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Originally Posted by hurtandc0nfused  She says that she does not want to lie to me anymore and that is why she told me - dropped a bomb on me is more like it - 2 weeks ago when she stated that she loves me but is not in-love with me.
She has stated many times that she wants to try and "work it out" with me to see if things change for the better. The only thing that would make it better in my mind is that she start truly working on our marriage instead of trying to see about these "other" feelings she has.
Seems to me that she is in it for herself and not trying to help the marriage at all. The problem with this entire scenario is that I think we still have a connection, and that if she would just get her head out of her a$$, we could get back to the way things once were, only better. We have been talking more and as I stated in the original post, we are going to an MC. But those sessions are weeks apart. During which, she is still texting other friends asking about the OW. |
Move the thread to CWI forum...
Women don't say ILYBNILWY (I love you but not in love with you) until they meet someone else. In her case, it's another woman.
You're going to do no right until this EA is over. She's going to be confused, want space, need to clear her head, be unsure of your relationship or what she wants, until this EA is over. She's wishy-washy because she's trying to reconcile in her brain being a good person, or having an affair/leaving her husband for another person.
I feel for you, and there are hundreds of us on these forums who have gone through your path. There are specific things you can do to end this EA. If you appease and give in to her wishy-washy talk, then she'll stay confused and either end up screwing around with this chick or someone else. Women in these states can do unimaginable things, take it from me (and my story is tame compared to some others I've seen here).
What you must do is:
1. Achieve self-respect immediately. Observe your relationship as an outsider, not as yourself. How would you counsel someone who was in your relationship advice? I like to say WWBD (What would Brad Pitt do?)? Not because he's hot but because the guy has self-respect. Would Brad be cool if he was dating your wife and she told him ILYBNILWY, and then secretly starting having an EA with another chick and wanted to start dating her? NO! He'd sack up and tell her to get committed or hit the road.
2. Define, communicate, and enforce boundaries. This is something that "nice guys" ie doormats, have a hard time doing. If something is making you uncomfortable, it is crossing a boundary. You need to make it explicitly clear what those boundaries are, mutually agree on them, and then make sure she is following through.
3. Be willing to terminate the marriage. If you go into this situation with "divorce is not an option", then your wife is going to walk all over you. She needs to know that you know that you can do better, and will walk away if she continues on her path. If your always going to pine over her, she has no reason to stay faithful. If she knows you'll walk away, then she knows she must work to making you stay.
Finally, after you have done the above, here is my final advice:
4. If she's not willing to end contact with this woman, you need to escalate the situation immediately. The tried and true response is to write her a letter. Let her know that she is either going to commit to your marriage 100%, or she's going to leave the house and you're going to start divorce proceedings immediately. Do not give her a lot of time to think about it (24 hours is enough). If she doesn't give you the commitment, and follow through with it, hand her the Divorce papers.
This is a twofold attack, first, if she had any delusions that she could screw another chick while getting financed by you, that delusion is over. Second, she will have to understand that her actions will cause a divorce. This will either snap them into reality and screw their head on straight OR; save you months and possibly years of physical and emotional effort that will be wasted because she's not interested in being married.
Here's a link to a forum post about women's infidelity that you'll probably see familiarities too.
Women’s Infidelity Book
The best part of the book is here:
Quote:
Did you interview anyone who made it through this?
Yes, I did. I interviewed two men who handled themselves
much differently than most of the men I talked to over the years.
The first man took the initiative and filed for divorce after his wife expressed on several occasions that she was unhappy and considering a separation. Before the divorce was final, his wife was trying to reconcile, but he chose not to because of her disinterest in working on the marriage prior to his filing for divorce.
The other man dealt similarly with the problem, but he had an advantage. He had experienced a similar situation with his first wife. In that instance he lived in limbo for two years, doing everything he could to hold on to his wife, but nothing worked. Six years later he married again.
Three years into that relationship, the second wife began to express her unhappiness. Though doubtful that he could endure the trauma of a second divorce, he took control and prevented any period of limbo.
He saw the similarities between his first and second wife’s behavior and figured out right away that his second wife was seeing someone. He told her if she stopped her affair he would be willing to work on the marriage; however, he would not accept anything less than her whole-hearted effort. He insisted that separation was not an option because he recognized that separation is just a prelude to a divorce. He wrote his wife a letter and listed the changes that would have to occur in order for him to stay in the marriage. He gave me a copy of it. I will read a portion of his letter to you.
“Complaining is no longer acceptable. If you want me to do (or not do) something, you must tell me what it is. I do not expect you to read my mind and I will no longer try to read yours. If you want to have a mature, committed relationship you can expect one-hundred percent effort on my part; however, I will not allow my spirit to deteriorate because of your indecision.”
His letter was direct and he set clear boundaries. Because he had been through the process before, he understood what his wife was doing even better than she did.
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What these men did was essentially a practical application of what you'll find in Divorce Busters, His Needs Her Needs, or Love Must Be Tough. When your partner finds someone else and they are contemplating an affair, the last thing you want to do is start turning into their personal needs slave. It fuels the notion that they'll continue to get support from you and provides an unrealistic avenue for them to have an affair.
Not sure of your financial situation, but you want your wife to be at the point where if she wants to cheat on you because she loves this woman so much, she is going to have to do it with no financial or emotional support from you. Let this other woman help around the house, watch the kids, mow her lawn, pay for her groceries, etc etc. All the stuff you're currently doing, the other woman will have to provide.
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Is it cheating when... 
