General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Your in for a long, hard ride dude. It took me a year and a half of hell to realize my wife wasn't coming back. Another year to have it not kill me going to bed beside someone every night who might as well be a million miles away. After a year of pretending to not care, it's finally starting to happen for me. Good for me, bad for my family.
I am now trying not to put her on pedestal. I put her on that pedestal for the past few weeks in thinking that would work but it' not working. I will continue to do the daily household chores that she used to do but i do need to drop it a notch. I have gone over the top with helping and doing everything . I went from doing very little with all the chores to doing everything. It's a desperate act.At first i thought she would think it was sweet but now it seems too desperate .
another thing you hit right on the head is that i am walking on egg shells . I never know how to act around her. It's making me insane.
@Mr T & this is me - Patience . Something i am horrible with but i have no choice now and will be as patient as possible . It's hard because my emotions are running wild, but will keep patient.
@ withmuchregret- thanks for sharing and advice . I know the pain you must feel is unbearable.
My financial situation did come up recently as well. She works part time and also sings in wedding bands for some extra cash but most weeks is just about covers the cost of her work costs and after-care for our daughter. I am the one who brings in the money to pay the bills. For most of the time we have been married, i let her pay the bills but she did not do a very good job with it. We were always behind and broke. That has put a ton of stress on the marriage. I recently offered to take over the bills and told her i would fix this mess. After we sat down and she gave me all the info, a few days later she thanked me for doing this. I know i should have done it sooner but when i was sick , i had trouble focusing on tasks and keep concentration . I feel better knowing that i am now in control of the family financials. I have already begun getting us out of the hole .
thanks you everyone...Please keep sharing . this is helping me a lot! and gving me good ideas about how to handle this situation. It's has been difficult coping and not knowing how to act around her.
Well i had the opportunity to go through her cell phone about an hour ago. I wasn't planning on it but it was there . She left it home & i got home from work a little early . I was nervous doing it and afraid of what i would find but i went through every text and phone call over the last few weeks and found nothing. It's good that there is not another man ( yet) . We spent a little time together today . I showed her some jiu jisu ( my new hobby) moves that i learned and we did some push ups togehter . Had a laugh..then her guard went back up again. errrrr....walking one egg shells again. We will have dinner together as a family now. Everything seems normal but it's not. Don't know what to do . I'm still trying to get her to see that i have changed..not sure if that is the right thing to do. i guess at this point it's patience patience , patience .
Well i had the opportunity to go through her cell phone about an hour ago. I wasn't planning on it but it was there . She left it home & i got home from work a little early . I was nervous doing it and afraid of what i would find but i went through every text and phone call over the last few weeks and found nothing. It's good that there is not another man ( yet) . We spent a little time together today . I showed her some jiu jisu ( my new hobby) moves that i learned and we did some push ups togehter . Had a laugh..then her guard went back up again. errrrr....walking one egg shells again. We will have dinner together as a family now. Everything seems normal but it's not. Don't know what to do . I'm still trying to get her to see that i have changed..not sure if that is the right thing to do. i guess at this point it's patience patience , patience .
Yes, patience is needed. BUT that doesn't mean you should just sit back and let it happen on its own. You still need totalk to her. I would say that the fact that the two of you shared some time together and had a laugh is a good thing. She loosened up and let her guard down. To me that means that maybe she hasn't totally turned away from you.
One more thing, being a woman I would have to say that if you had chosen to have a heartfelt talk with me, the time would have been while we were having a good moment and my guard was down. If you had said to me then, honey I have something I really need to explain to you and then gone on to tell her whats on your mind, if it was me I would have been open to listening to what you said. That's just me.
C.Soprano---This is my take, however, please be advised that I have been going through this for a year and a half. My wife, to this day, refuses to take responsibility for her part in our relationship. So, what I am doing, can work. I have seen it work in other's relationships. Each relationship is different, however, and you must recognize the different things that are causing your situation to stalemate.
I can tell you from personal experience that sleeping in the same bed with a woman who is not "in love" with you is a resentment breeder. I finally came to a place where I will not sleep in the same bed with a woman who refuses to take part in intimacy. It hurts you in more ways than you know. It makes her despise you because you are such a "needy" man that you are reaching for whatever you can get your grip on. All the "nice" things you are doing are good........for you. You need to shift a little bit and work on different things that indirectly help her, but don't take burdens off of her. Does that make sense? She needs to continue to pull her weight so she doesn't sit and stew about her feelings and emotions. You helping her SO much enables her and actually hurts the balance of the relationship. I know, I've done it.
From now on, you do not speak unless spoken to. Shut your mouth. Anything you say at this point (until you get past your emotional patheticness) is manipulation. If you allow her to come to you, then she has initiated the conversation and you will be more genuine in your answers.
Now that you have concluded there is no affair, stop spying. It does affect your persona around her. She is responsible for her. You are responsible for you. Trust me, she is probably on HIGH ALERT and I am SO glad I stopped spying a year ago. I was able to sit in front of my wife and be truthful and honest. Showing true confidence and leadership in my identity as a man.
Read books, workout, and find a spiritual compass. The person is made up of three parts: mind/body/soul. Working all three on a daily basis is going to make you stronger and, in effect, make it possible for you to truly love your wife. Love is freeing, not controlling. To truly want and show that you want what is best for her is the most attractive thing to a woman you can show. Stop worrying about the "relationship", and do her a favor:
Become the best you that you can be. Get rid of that codependency.
Good luck with that. She has a clear picture of the man you were. The new you is just a phase. She see's right through it.
Right ladies? Men don't change, do they?
I can go 6 months as the new me. One slip-up, or worse: a misunderstanding that she sees as a return to the old you and you're back at sq 1.
I'll say it a third time. She's gone. They RARELY come back. Get used to it.
Actually, I personally know 4 guys that this exact senario happened to. One has been a friend for 20 years. Each time, the wife tried to return and work it out. The issue became that the guys were done and had moved on. 3 guys said no, and 1 of them is happily remarried to his wife. The whole "in love" thing has a lot to do with familiarity with you and the whole "my life will be better without you". You go work on you and let them hit their rock bottom. Humbleness goes a LONG WAY.
By the way, 1 of the guys got married to someone else. He now wishes he would have taken the old wife back. People are broken, my friend. Unconditional love and unselfishness go a long way.
As someone who has been a caregiver of a sick spouse (my husband) going on almost 4 years now, it's a very difficult job - especially when they shut you out emotionally.
My husband and I went through the same thing...as he has improved, I have pulled away to reclaim a part of myself that I gave up when the household was focused on him and his health. It was necessary for me to begin to focus on myself so that I felt better now that he was feeling better.
In the process of doing that, he felt that I was pulling away from him, when I wasn't, I was just trying to re-establish my own life, one that was not always focused on him.
Perhaps that is where she is at right now. You are feeling better, so she can pursue things that make her happy and not have to worry about you.
Or, perhaps this is how she has felt for a while, and couldn't or wouldn't say anything while you were sick.
You need to find out which one before you can set on a course of action.
Women fall out of love with their husbands between 8-10 years of marriage. It happens ALL THE TIME! I don't know why they don't touch on that somewhere before you get married.
Oh, and sorry to say, they RARELY come back. Start living your life for you and your daughter. Your wife is gone.
I can really believe this now, after what I experienced today in MC.
You forgot to add, that while women are falling out of love, they don't tell their husbands until they have finished the grieving process. Then, they really are gone, with no hope of R.
Great feed back......I can see a lot of people have gone and are going though this. I've had an interesting couple of days. when I came home from the gym yesterday , She starting talking about her day at the gym. . we had a little push up contest then I showed her some her jiu jisu ( my new hobby) moves that i learned ( full contact!) We Had a laugh. Later that evening , we sat down together and i watched to videos of her music & i felt we had a connection there for a while. for the first time in weeks, it felt comfortable & She dropped her guard for a bit. Of course, it went back up again. We have a a big weekend coming up . We are going to a wedding on Friday. I guess the best idea is too let her initiate contact and conversations with me?
I can really believe this now, after what I experienced today in MC.
You forgot to add, that while women are falling out of love, they don't tell their husbands until they have finished the grieving process. Then, they really are gone, with no hope of R.
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Re: Wtf? My wife does not love me anymore 
