General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My advice is to continue building your wall. You're going to need it. They RARELY come back., Start healing and moving on now.
Dude. Stop. Really.
My sympathies for whatever circumstance has left you so embittered, but the OP clearly has stated that he wants to try to save his marriage and is seeking help in that regard. Your advice that he shouldn't bother isn't helpful. Not only is it not helpful, but you've already stated it a couple times. It's been duly noted, and, it seems, disregarded.
Why so intent to pass along your pessimism and hopelessness? Posted via Mobile Device
I agree 100% about the alcohol. I know my emotions would rage out out of control. So i can not let that happen. Probably the best idea is to stick to my plan and let her initiate everything. I can not give into to my insecurity's!!!!!!!! I hate that i am in this position but since i am , i have to try to get her to love and admire me again like when we first met. I am getting there . I will not act needy
I meant, if she's drinking, realize alcohol clouds the mind. She may be horny, really want you, and you have to be in control and know that it's alcohol more than anything...
Just a warning here. I did the same thing. We went to a wedding about a week after our little "talk". She really acted into me. We had a great night. Had sex that night. It was pretty crazy. Next day, I start moving ahead like things were getting better. At one point, she kind of moved away from me in a "don't touch me manner". I asked, "So what was last night?" Answer, "Well, I didn't want your friends to know I wasn't into you." So, I wouldn't read into anything that happens. Go, have fun. Relax. Do your thing.
By the way, you are wound up tight. Can see that by your post. You are going to have to figure out how to find your "center" in all this. By the way, you aren't going to "blow it" tonight. You are in for a long ride. Just keep showing incremental steps in your development as a man over time.
Jayb, I'm a year into mine. (big changes) So, it depends on how stubborn your wife is as to how long it takes to overcome resentment.
A year. It may be longer for me, and going through with the D to snap into her.
You see, our dynamics shifted a few times after the ILYBINILWY speech and initial separation. First 3 months was, shock, yet amicable, doing things as family. Then, I filed out of bitterness, hurt, anger, fear. Next 3 months were highly adversarial, retaining lawyers, etc. Then, I had second thoughts, slowed it down. Last 3 months has been time for reflection, desiring more time to communicate, etc., in addition to no more bitter adversarial relationship. While appreciated, my wife wants to go through with the D.
We are in a holding period until June. then, if proceeding, we are at the agreement/mediation stage.
I am determined to work on me. 3 weeks into it, I've had some mental breakthroughs, physical changes (lost 20 pounds--less than half to go). She has begun to notice, but is still unconvinced.
My sympathies for whatever circumstance has left you so embittered, but the OP clearly has stated that he wants to try to save his marriage and is seeking help in that regard. Your advice that he shouldn't bother isn't helpful. Not only is it not helpful, but you've already stated it a couple times. It's been duly noted, and, it seems, disregarded.
Why so intent to pass along your pessimism and hopelessness? Posted via Mobile Device
My bad. It's just that I've yet to see a post thanking everyone for helping them get their wife back after she's checked out. I don't think it happens. I wish to god someone had snapped me out of that fantasy 2 years ago. I'd be a hell of a lot farther along in my healing by now. almost three years on these forums and I've read literally hundreds of posts by women who've checked out and husbands of women who've checked out. They don't come back. Sorry if reality is hard to hear. And if I don't keep repeating it, nobody will. This guy, and all the others with similar posts, need to hear this. All of your "you can do it" is nice. But a dose of reality will help more.
Chances are your wife really wants to 'come back' but building the trust for her to be confident to do so is going to take time.
I also relate to the 'walls up' thing. Sometimes I feel they are down but I don't feel safe enough to let go at this point. I've also developed ways to cope and support myself and it is difficult to lean on my husband instead of resorting to these coping mechanisms that have become my mainstay. My husband really let me down in a big way (not talking about infidelity) and I still feel like the only person I can rely on is myself.
I think that what you are doing with counseling, etc is excellent in showing your wife through actions how much you care and want to reconnect. Your wife will notice this and it will probably mean a lot to her that you are making this effort.
I'm a wife whose husband has always bottled things up (shut me out) and it does damage the sense of connection and intimacy. It can be rebuilt but it does take time. Words are one thing but evidence is really there in the actions over time.
Thanks everyone. Wedding night did not go great but positive things did happen this week
end. I will fill you in a few...have to catch a 3 hours of sleep before work!
Thanks again for all the comments and advice. It is so helpful. I need the help! I will write back soon. Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks everyone. Wedding night did not go great but positive things did happen this week
end. I will fill you in a few...have to catch a 3 hours of sleep before work!
Thanks again for all the comments and advice. It is so helpful. I need the help! I will write back soon. Posted via Mobile Device
Thats good! I think others (like) me are having trouble even getting a opening, so glad yours went good.
Wedding night review- "Sucked!" I should mention that my significant other is in a wedding band. So she took control of most of the conversations because she is now an expert at wedding receptions. Not great for me. I realized that this was mistake 20 minutes into the reception. The wedding was super boring as well. We had bad seating, not with our friends . She was distant that night. Yeah we danced together for a few songs ( which i never do!!! she was shocked . I can't dance but i tried because i know she enjoys it) and did the married couples dance ( her idea) . I let her drink . She was surprised.She was making it a point not to be to cuddly with me. Don't get me wrong . we hugged a bit but i did the initiating that night. Bad idea . I won't be doing that anymore . It's a killer for me. by the end of the night ,she was feeling sick. Really sick. Quiet ride home. No action. I felt she was mean to me that night and i'm ready to give up. I knew i should have backed off her . I had momentum going into the wedding but lost it that night. I was very down and went to bed feeling that way .
Saturday morning , she wakes me up before she goes to work and says " i love you" . I was ready to throw the towel in after that wedding and now this. Turns out she has a bad stomach virus . I took care of her on Saturday night . I got another "I love you " that night. We spent the whole day together on sunday with the kid. I took them out to breakfast , then did some shopping , then to see a friends show , then dinner . We had a nice time together on Saturday and Sunday. The guard seemed to come down a bit.
this morning , i did not get a warm reaction before i left for work. Up and down with emotions but she is still having stomach problems.
It was interesting to me that her guard did come down for a bit.I don't know what to make of it. I know i have to give her space. I'm hoping that giving her some space & keep continuing work on myself that things work out between us. I feel like i'm playing a chess match .
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Re: Wtf? My wife does not love me anymore 
