Wtf? My wife does not love me anymore
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Old 03-11-2012, 11:49 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Wtf? My wife does not love me anymore

she has not said that but told me a 4 weeks ago that she is not happy with us & feels we have been disconnected from awhile now. I was blindsided. I thought everything was fine. Now i am scrambling to fix things but her guard is is way up . Nothing i do seems to let me in.
a little background of our relationship. We will be married 10 years in may and together for 12 years. we also have an 8 year old little girl ( she & my wife are my world) . I have to mention that 8 of the 10 years we have been married, i had been battling kidney disease . I was very sick and tired but did my best to function normally. We still had sex a couple of times a month up until last month. I received a transplant in 2008 and finally began to feel healthy again over the past 18 months. During my sickness & countless hospital stays , i did not let her in emotionally. I tried to handle everything myself and in that process that is probably when i began to lose her. I she has built up a great wall and does not need me emotionally anymore . she is really into her self now and now that i am ready to get involved again emotionally she is not letting me in.
As she got more into herself , i became controlling and jealous. I know bad move but i could not control my emotions. Thought she was cheating but she is not. I asked once , she said no and i asked again a week later and still she said no. I looked for clues and could not find anything . the more i look , the more i realize that she has just cut me off emotionally. she sings in bands and weddings. she receives the admiration there that she did not get from me .
I have changed for her & for me. Got my emotions in check. i am seeing a therapist for that. i was not out of shape , but joined a gym and took up a new hobby . She was happy about those things . I have become helpful around the house doing most of the daily chores or helping her with them. Almost being Mr. Mom at this point. I have told her how much i love her and support her but so far i can not break the ice. I need to get her to love me again like she used too but have no clue how to do it. I like the " no contact " program but we still live together & sleep in the same bed. I still Get kisses in the morning before i go to work and when i come home but that is about it. I know the changes look good on paper but i don't think that it's going to get her feeling sexual about me again. I am in rough spot here and i really want this to work. I don't want to come off too needy . I can tell that will not work. I tired of trolling her facebook page and hanging on every text or word she says. Then over analyzing everything . I am hurting really bad . she knows it but again still not letting me in. Everything is casual. we still do things together ..watch movies, go out to eat , ETC. but she is just going through the motions . I think her mind is made up to leave but she is still hesitant to make the move. I guess that means i still have a chance to win her back?
I could go on and on but i think i describe my situation so that you will understand. I really need some advice on how to get her back fast before i lose it all. I hope it's too late but the we are getting late in the game.
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Old 03-12-2012, 03:28 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wtf? My wife does not love me anymore

i can understand your situation. Sorry to say but in your relationship, you are guessing too much. You doubt on your wife. This is your biggest mistake. You must know that this relationship is all about trust. The thing, you can do is to realize her that you are honest her and your bond... This is the only way that can save your relationship.....
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Old 03-12-2012, 04:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wtf? My wife does not love me anymore


Hello,

I congratulate you for having the diligence to make the changes you did.

The situation you are in is not at all uncommon. Besides the help you are giving her there is a key element still missing which is the critical skill of supporting her emotional needs. The way to improve it from your side is for you acquire this skill.


In order to improve your situation I suggest a 2 step process:

- you need to get informed on the critical skill of supporting her emotional needs. Chances are you never received training on how a woman needs to be supported and are offering the sort of support you as a man would need. That does not translate well to most women and likely has gotten you to this situation.

- to bring about positive long term changes you need to practice the skills you learned to form the habits to sustain them. Understanding is not enough, you need diligent long term practice till it becomes habitual. Similarly to going to the gym.

To get started with understanding I highly recommend the material "John Gray Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" there you will find a wealth of good information.

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Old 03-12-2012, 06:59 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wtf? My wife does not love me anymore

Women fall out of love with their husbands between 8-10 years of marriage. It happens ALL THE TIME! I don't know why they don't touch on that somewhere before you get married.

Oh, and sorry to say, they RARELY come back. Start living your life for you and your daughter. Your wife is gone.
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Old 03-12-2012, 07:08 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wtf? My wife does not love me anymore

Soprano,
Sounds like you made some mistakes in your marriage
While it takes two to make a marriage, it also takes two to repair a marriage.

Too many say that the wounded spouse (usually the man) must change in many ways to satisfy the wife. I believe that both have to want to save the marriage.

You need to ask her this question! If she's already checked out, why keep her around as an un-supportive room-mate? Keep working on your issues either way so you can be prepared when she pulls the trigger.

You should also look at the 180. I have a feeling you're going to need it in the near future
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Old 03-12-2012, 07:37 AM   #6 (permalink)
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she has agreed to go to a counselor with me when i am ready . I have been in therapy for 4 weeks now. I have begun to try the 180 & get my life going but it's been difficult for me. we live together and sleep in the same bed . We still sit have a dinner as a family and do everything together. I need to try the 180 but i don't want to leave the house . I really can't leave the house. My daughter would be crushed and right now we are not fighting. I need to get her to feel for me again. The Mr. Nice guy routine is not really working . I need another plan to make her want me again. I am a mess inside but she does not know how bad am yet. . I am starting to Mope a bit with depression and i know that can't be good. I was thinking of more little l love u notes and flowers but that isnt getting me anywhere.
She is totally hell bent in not needing my emotionally. i can tell. She loved me once. hopefully i can rekindle that flame . I need a plan. that is why i am here to see if others have went through what i am going through but imagine that most people that are using these forums and still having bad luck with their marrige

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Old 03-12-2012, 07:49 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by C.Soprano View Post
she has agreed to go to a counselor with me when i am ready . I have been in therapy for 4 weeks now. I have begun to try the 180 & get my life going but it's been difficult for me. we live together and sleep in the same bed . We still sit have a dinner as a family and do everything together. I need to try the 180 but i don't want to leave the house . I really can't leave the house. My daughter would be crushed and right now we are not fighting. I need to get her to feel for me again. The Mr. Nice guy routine is not really working . I need another plan to make her want me again. I am a mess inside but she does not know how bad am yet. . I am starting to Mope a bit with depression and i know that can't be good. I was thinking of more little l love u notes and flowers but that isnt getting me anywhere.
She is totally hell bent in not needing my emotionally. i can tell. She loved me once. hopefully i can rekindle that flame . I need a plan. that is why i am here to see if others have went through what i am going through but imagine that most people that are using these forums and still having bad luck with their marrige
I think you need to sit her down and explain to her why you shut her out when you were ill. I know you were trying to spare her but I know from experience that when the person you love is sick the last thing anyone wants is to be excluded from their life. She needed you to need her at that time, she needed to care for you and you didn't let her. Now she has the mindset that you didn't need her at your weakest point...so now she can't or won't allow herself to need you. You two need to talk about this and you're going to have to listen to her anger and hurt for shutting her out. Until she gets past that I don't forsee her warming up to you. Talk to her. Humble yourself and apologise to her.
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Old 03-12-2012, 08:03 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I think you need to sit her down and explain to her why you shut her out when you were ill. I know you were trying to spare her but I know from experience that when the person you love is sick the last thing anyone wants is to be excluded from their life. She needed you to need her at that time, she needed to care for you and you didn't let her. Now she has the mindset that you didn't need her at your weakest point...so now she can't or won't allow herself to need you. You two need to talk about this and you're going to have to listen to her anger and hurt for shutting her out. Until she gets past that I don't forsee her warming up to you. Talk to her. Humble yourself and apologise to her.
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Old 03-12-2012, 08:07 AM   #9 (permalink)
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That seems to make sense. I was very one sided with my feelings at that point in my life. I was trying to spare her the hurt I was feeling. I will try to talk....not sure if she will hear me now.
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Old 03-12-2012, 08:23 AM   #10 (permalink)
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what is the 180?

why do you have to leave the house? I am in the same situation as you, except its my husband feeling this way. Then it hit me on the head so hard this weekend, why should i leave? He's the one that's not happy, so i decided to stay. When i told him this, he gave a tiny smile, as if admiring my confidence in myself. I was going to leave bc i was the one willing to try to make things work. Thought he would miss me if i left, but that's a game im not willing to play. I have swallowed my pride and started to be the wife i use to be.

Its great that your wife is willing to go to counseling, my husband won't go. Its okay, i've got to go for me. I'm realizing that i was too emotionally strained in handling my own grief of losing my best friend and my dad in one year (as you had focused on taking care of your health) that i didn't let my husband in. He probably felt that i didnt need him. So how do i save my marriage? become the person i use to be..take it real slow. Last night i shared that i should help out with the bills more. Because as i was trying to figure out how much it would cost me to get another place, i started to work the numbers and realized that my husband took care of all the bills. Out of nowhere, i said, "thank you for taking good care of me" then i waved my hand and said "goodbye" and walked out of the room, since i wanted to give him space. I got a little tiny smile again.

My counselor suggested to give him his space. did i listen? NO! don't push myself on him by doing 'nicey nice' things that i never use to do.For two weeks, i stayed home on the weekends, cleaned the house, cooked meals, initiated sex , etc. It worked a bit, but he and I knew i was trying too hard. Think he knew i was doing these things only to win him back. That is... i was doing these things 'conditionally'.

So i realized that i need to do things for him 'unconditionally' as God does for me. Do things for her like you would for your child, unconditionally. I'm trying to do treat him like i do my children.

Give him the space while still living together. Don't spy on him. Be confident in you. Don't rely on him for my own happiness. its ok to cry, but do it alone, not in front of her. It would make them feel guilty ,and even more burdened.

I am reading a wonderful book, called The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. Its helped me find my own love language and what I need. A real good book.

Good luck to you, your marriage can be saved, always have hope, and don't get discouraged when others say she is cheating, or it won't work out.
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Old 03-12-2012, 09:01 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Classic Walk Away Wife. Guy is shocked to find out after everything seems just fine.

Prevent My Divorce: The Walkaway Wife Syndrome - YouTube
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Old 03-12-2012, 09:02 AM   #12 (permalink)
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That seems to make sense. I was very one sided with my feelings at that point in my life. I was trying to spare her the hurt I was feeling. I will try to talk....not sure if she will hear me now.
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You didn't realise it at the time but you caused her more hurt by pushing her away. If you have never explained to her your reasoning for doing so she is still holding hurt and resentment for it. I think if you are sincere she will listen. It may take a bit of time for her to change her feelings, you have to account for the length of time you kept your feelings to yourself. It took time for her to build up the resentment and will take time for her to get over it. Be patient but persistant.
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Old 03-12-2012, 09:09 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Be careful with doing and giving her too much. Putting her up on a pedestal can backfire. One of the big errors I made was trying to make her happy and doing many things for her, I think in some cases this will actually push them further away.

It is a strange situation to be in and you will find yourself constantly taking the tempurature of their feelings at any given time to know how to react. Basically walking on egg shells, which sucks.
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Old 03-12-2012, 09:11 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I agree with Mrs. T....Patience patience patience....be prepared and remind yourself over and over, if you want it to work, be patient!
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Old 03-12-2012, 09:21 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Be careful with doing and giving her too much. Putting her up on a pedestal can backfire. One of the big errors I made was trying to make her happy and doing many things for her, I think in some cases this will actually push them further away.

It is a strange situation to be in and you will find yourself constantly taking the tempurature of their feelings at any given time to know how to react. Basically walking on egg shells, which sucks.

Yes, it is weird. Because, what my wife told me is that I haven't appreciated her, truly loved her, etc. for most of our marriage. The most natural response is to turn it on now to maximum.

However, if she has truly checked out of the marriage, then that type of behavior may be too little, too late, and may indeed push her away faster.

It is complicated; this walking on egg shells to prevent misunderstanding, hurt, etc..

And I have to remind myself about patience every other minute.
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