03-12-2012, 06:16 AM
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London UK
| | Re: Do you feel like you love him more than he loves you?
The complaint you have is fairly common in women seeking counseling. The fact that they feel they give a lot more than they receive.
The first thing I would advise is that partners without relationship training either from knowledgeable parents or from a coach often act instinctively inside their relationships and offer the type of love and support they would like to receive.
It is likely that even though you have been offering a lot, you have not been offering the type of support a man needs which is different from the type of support you need. As such he may feel emotionally unsatisfied just as you.
If that is the case, you are approaching the idea of counseling with the mindset that he is to blame and he needs to fix himself. I would advise that firstly placing blame is usually not a good motivating factor and secondly the responsibility lies with both partners.
You both where likely driving a relationship without a license and ran off the road.
In order to improve your situation I suggest a 2 step process:
- both you and your partner need to get informed on the critical skills necessary to build a healthy long term relationship. You need a license to drive a car, what are you doing driving a relationship without a license? Instinct leads you tomisunderstandings that lead to the serious problems above.
- to bring about positive long term changes you need to practice the skills you learned to form the habits to sustain them. Understanding is not enough, you need diligent long term practice till it becomes habitual. Similarly to going to the gym.
To get started with understanding I highly recommend the material "John Gray Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" there you will find a wealth of good information.
Furthermore to help you understand the basic emotional desires of men an women please take a look at the list below and see how your relationship fares on fulfilling the two lists on you and your partners side:
A man must be like a father in a relationship. A good father is protective, calm, patient, loving and forgiving. He is the pillar. He provides stability and strength.
A man is to offer his partner affection (love) in the way she likes to receive it. Most people prefer to give and receive love in a certain way although they may like all ways. Find your partner’s love language and speak it.
Possible love languages are: touch, words of encouragement, acts of service, partnership, gifts.
Be proficient in supporting your partner emotionally. Generally this equates to showing love to the woman. We can categorize the emotional support a woman needs into 6.
Caring – you are concerned with her well being, you protect and provide for her
Understanding – you understand her emotions and allow her to express them
Respect – you respect her way of doing things even though it may not be familiar to you. You especially respect her intuition.
Devotion- you are devoted to loving her and are generous at that
Validation – you validate her emotions giving her the right to feel negative and positive emotions at any point in time and express them to you to receive the validation she needs
Reassurance – during negative emotion cycles a woman will usually feel unsure of herself or your feelings for her and it is then that she most needs the assurance and stability you provide
Concerned and open lover
When making love to her you are sincerely focused on giving her pleasure both emotionally and physically. Actions such as taking your time with foreplay, talking and touching her whole body incrementally are a good sign of concern. You are also relaxed and uninhibited and you know women’s sexual nature that it is romantic and it is adventurous and that they often have colorful imaginative fantasies. This attitude will allow her to experience the full spectrum of intimacy and flourish within it. She can express her fantasies with you and you lead her on both adventurous and romantic experiences.
A woman needs to be like a mother in a relationship. A good mother takes care of her children, she is patient loving and forgiving. If a father is the pillar the mother is the foundation and together they stand up.
Men naturally connect to one another by doing activities together, working or hobbies. It is very important for a man to feel that his woman is a partner to him in some activities. Possibilities include: a business, a career, hobbies, outings, sports etc… A man must respect the woman’s level of skill so that he will consider her a worthy partner in such activities. Also known as common interests.
Be proficient in supporting your partner emotionally. Generally this equates to showing respect to the man. We can categorize the emotional support a man needs into 6.
Trust –You trust his skills in dealing with his problems. You respect and trust his judgment and his abilities.
Acceptance - he needs to feel that he pleases you. He needs to feel you accept and appreciate him for who he is and not trying to change and improve him.
Appreciation – he would like to feel that you are grateful for the love and respect he shows you, that you are grateful for his providing for you and not that routine daily activities are no longer worthy of appreciation.
Admiration – you admire his victories and his displays of skill
Approval - you approve of him as a person and of his behavior.
Encouragement – you encourage him in a positive way to grow and evolve in skill and status, especially when he experiences setbacks
Eager and diverse lover
You are eager to make love to him often and to please him in bed searching for different ways to do so. You like diversity and like to experience the full spectrum of intimacy with him.