General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Do you know your husband's friends? Are they married? Do you know the wives?
I'll bet the other wives are not so happy either. Maybe all you wives and plot.. I mean plan some get together where the wives, gf's, etc are there.
The ones with larger houses can throw house parties and bbq's. You can throw a picnic at a park. THey an be pot-lucks go that it's not too expensive for anyone.
This way your husband can have all his friends admire him. Your children can be included some of the time.
And you will save enough money to pay for a baby sitter for your very badly needed once a week date.
So he COULD be meeting someone when out. Seriously...he could be.
Are his friends married? Partnered? If so, you know THEY aren't out every night on the weekends.
He gives you the idea that he'd let you go out just because he knows you won't. This makes you think nothing is going on, but in reality, there could be.
People who were caught in an affair, if they are sorry about it, DO NOT pull this crap. Obviuosly, he doesn't care.
the other problem with this is that if you give him adequate lead time that you have plans to go out, then he has adequate time to make new plans with whomever he's seeing.
when he comes back at 3am, is he inebriated? Have you noticed any tell tale signs. It's sad that he stays out until 3am, that means he's dead to the world for most of the next day so he can't interact with his kids.
I agree with the couple others, you're going out without him would come across as tit for tat and might suggest to him that going out alone is ok for both of you. Do you have friends that might be able to babysit every now and then and you go could see a film.
I hope I am not overstepping here, but what makes you stay? He seems like a jerk and he is using you.
You're not overstepping lol....he's like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde I guess is the best way to describe it...he can be such a sweetheart and be considerate and do things for me and he's a wonderful dad, but then there are these times and it makes me want to pull my hair out because it's like seriously??
It sounds like he is trying to recapture his younger days when he had no responsibilities. It's like he is regressing rather than growing into a man with a wife and kids. Perhaps he can't handle the stress of being a husband and father. I am sure that happens to everyone at one time or another, it's natural, but he's gotta snap out of it and take care of your family.
Him leaving you behind to attend to everything while he escapes is not fair. You need to escape sometimes too. His behavior must make you feel like a babysitter and the longer it goes on, the more resentful and angry you will become. And if you tell him how you feel and he dismisses your feelings (like a teenager would), you may need to rethink things.
It's time your husband puts on his big boy pants, grows up, and becomes a true, hands on husband and father.
If he feels the need to escape so badly, maybe he isn't cut out to be a good husband and father. Don't take his behavior personally, even though you are left holding all the ball. He sounds like a coward who doesn't want to deal with real life. This isn't 1950, husbands should be active in the rearing of their children. He also needs to realize he is in a marriage, he is one half of a whole. His role is very important in your family. He can run, but he can't hide. I just hope he wakes up before you get so fed up, that he comes home to his clothing scattered all over the lawn and you have called a lawyer. You shouldn't have to put up with this. This does not sound like a marriage. He is being insensitive and mean, and he knows it. But he chooses to ignore your feelings and do what he wants anyway. Don't let him get away with this because it will only get worse.
My prayers are with you and I hope he wises up before the loses his family.
I can say, for him, that he is a very hands on father, he does everything with the kids and is constantly taking them outside and doing all kinds of stuff with them and practices with them and teaches them to ride their bikes or rollerblade, he is in the middle of teaching our daughter to ride her dirt bike, and they ride their four wheelers all the time together. ...he is def not lacking in the good father department, the kids love him and he loves those kids more than anything....it's the husband side that needs the major work....I feel like he is so busy trying to be the father that his wasn't (which I truly appreciate), that he is being the husband that his dad was...
wow. sometimes I wonder what they are thinking, really. My husband says some stupid sh!t too. Like"he knew I'd be jealous of her b/c she is young, thin and powerful"....yep, thats what he said. So ya know I think sometimes they just have an inability to think when they are in the thick of an EA. I mean she is only a few yrs younger than me, I wear a size 5 and I think he has learned ALL about my power here recently! Stand up for yourself GReeneyes. You can do it.
Yeah I have gotten that in the past when I found out H was texting this girl from the gym that was friends with his sister, and apparently really good friends with him too, but he failed to mention that they texted and met up at the gym, and the driving range, and probably other places, because he knew I would get mad.... Really??????
Do you two spend enough time together otherwise? I know weekend nights are our only real time to spend together. I can understand going with friends to a bar every once in a while, but what is there for a married guy to do in a bar for 5 hours?
I can see going out to bars once in a while with the guys. Doing it all the time and/or staying out so late should not be tolerated by married people unless it is mutually something that is deemed to be exceptible. Personally, I too like the attention from others in these types of settings. I like to people watch and flirt. Even if he and his friends are behaving I think clubs, bars are things to do as couples or rarely.
I am not sure if i would play games like going out dolled up etc. You don't want the freedom to go out..you want to spend time together as a couple. This strategy could backfire
You need to spend time together as a couple and work on your relationship. I should also point out that your H is acting like a child and you need to stand up to his silly, and inappropriate behavior. It is important that you don't insinuate that you can't trust him or whatever. There is nothing wrong with expecting your husband to spend 95% of his weekend nights with you.
You should also try your best to find try and reconnect. Try to remember what you did before kids that he enjoyed. It sounds like things need work between you both. Regardless, i would not tollerate him acting like a single guy without kids. If you can't afford a sitter maybe he could divert his energy towards a new career, second job, hobbie that could make him money, home repairs...rather than hangin' with his friends.
The thing is before we had kids, which was only 5 months into the relationship before I became pregnant, going out was all we did, that's what we both like to do, but we always did it together. Of course I don't mind him going without me once in a while, and I like to go without him once in a while for girl time with my friends, but this seems so constant and is seeming to be a permanent fixture in this relationship, though it won't be for very long because I'm not living this way for the rest of my life, or even for another 6 months....
Do you know your husband's friends? Are they married? Do you know the wives?
I'll bet the other wives are not so happy either. Maybe all you wives and plot.. I mean plan some get together where the wives, gf's, etc are there.
The ones with larger houses can throw house parties and bbq's. You can throw a picnic at a park. THey an be pot-lucks go that it's not too expensive for anyone.
This way your husband can have all his friends admire him. Your children can be included some of the time.
And you will save enough money to pay for a baby sitter for your very badly needed once a week date.
Most are single, Friday it was his brother who has a g/f, and she may have been there I don't know, doubt it because she usually works nights, but he's 24 and all his little friends are too, none of them are married...
As far as his friends go, no I don't know many of them, if I see them I know them, and they know me, but we're not friends or anything, not because H won't let me meet them, but because that's just how it's worked out, which is fine with me. Most of them are married or have girlfriends, but the only time we see his friends is when we are at the bar and usually their wives/gf aren't with them...seems to be that he is trying to have the same life all his other friends do, they go out while wife/gf stays home with the kids....the only thing is, I know I'm pretty (sounds conceited but I'm far from it lol) I know that I don't have to live this way and take that if I don't want it....
Do you two spend enough time together otherwise? I know weekend nights are our only real time to spend together. I can understand going with friends to a bar every once in a while, but what is there for a married guy to do in a bar for 5 hours?
Relive his youth.....that's basically what he's doing....I know him, I know how he is and I know he's working the bar the whole time he's there whether it be talking with women or friends of his....friends I don't mind, other women...
the other problem with this is that if you give him adequate lead time that you have plans to go out, then he has adequate time to make new plans with whomever he's seeing.
when he comes back at 3am, is he inebriated? Have you noticed any tell tale signs. It's sad that he stays out until 3am, that means he's dead to the world for most of the next day so he can't interact with his kids.
I agree with the couple others, you're going out without him would come across as tit for tat and might suggest to him that going out alone is ok for both of you. Do you have friends that might be able to babysit every now and then and you go could see a film.
He doesn't drink a lot when he goes out without me, maybe a beer or 2, he won't drink and drive like that....so he's completely sober when he gets home....and really even though he comes home that late, or early, he's so used to working 16 hour days that he really isn't dead the next day, he still gets up early and takes the kids outside or wherever they may need to go for the day....if the weather is crappy then we all pretty much stay in and veg.....
It's not his behavior with the kids or anything that bothers me...it's him doing this every weekend and how it's going to start affecting our marriage after some time....
I think you're justified in saying you have a problem with his behavior and that you want to talk about it. It might be a good idea to figure out why he wants to go out on his own all the time. Is he working out some issues? Is he bored? Is he getting attention when he goes out that you are not giving him? You could just try the 180 approach and take him up on his offer to go out while he stays at home. Do what he's doing (go out on weekends and stay out all night) for like three weeks and leave him home with the kids. If he isn't happy with being in that position he shouldn't be putting you in it and maybe showing him how it feels to be alone without your partner all the time will make him understand what he is doing to you. Sometimes, people just don't see that they are hurting the other person. Or just find ways of spending time and going out together at least one of those weekend days. My situation started out that way and turned into cheating because I didn't address it soon enough. I'd urge you to try and talk to your husband before any problems or resentment arise.
Most are single, Friday it was his brother who has a g/f, and she may have been there I don't know, doubt it because she usually works nights, but he's 24 and all his little friends are too, none of them are married...
As far as his friends go, no I don't know many of them, if I see them I know them, and they know me, but we're not friends or anything, not because H won't let me meet them, but because that's just how it's worked out, which is fine with me. Most of them are married or have girlfriends, but the only time we see his friends is when we are at the bar and usually their wives/gf aren't with them...seems to be that he is trying to have the same life all his other friends do, they go out while wife/gf stays home with the kids....the only thing is, I know I'm pretty (sounds conceited but I'm far from it lol) I know that I don't have to live this way and take that if I don't want it....
doesnt sound conceited at all. I know Im attractive. Im not conceited at all. Im confident. Or I was until my husbands EA, and now Im .....working on it.I think a guy can have the best looking wife in the world and if he needs his ego stroked thats what he's gonna do.
Yeah I have gotten that in the past when I found out H was texting this girl from the gym that was friends with his sister, and apparently really good friends with him too, but he failed to mention that they texted and met up at the gym, and the driving range, and probably other places, because he knew I would get mad.... Really??????
This is a bad sign. You should pay a little more attention to your husband to see if he is up to something. He's demonstrated that he is willing to hide things and he's going out without you which means he's disengaged from your relationship a bit. I wouldn't automatically say he's straying because many people just want to go have fun, but, this makes me suspicious on your behalf.
I agree with one of the other posters who said you should arrange for a baby-sitter and go check up on him.
I would show up at the bar after a few hours that he's been there and see what's going on. If he spots you, just yell SURPRISE! I missed you so much honey that I got a baby sitter for us tonight so we can be together! Isn't that wonderful?
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Re: Am I Being Ridiculous???? 
Really??????
