General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
doesnt sound conceited at all. I know Im attractive. Im not conceited at all. Im confident. Or I was until my husbands EA, and now Im .....working on it.I think a guy can have the best looking wife in the world and if he needs his ego stroked thats what he's gonna do.
totally....Yeah I like that better, I'm confident....he had his EA and she was really really pretty and skinny too, but I'm no dog and if he can't appreciate the woman that I've become, because his EA was with a 19-year-old, then so sad for him
I agree with one of the other posters who said you should arrange for a baby-sitter and go check up on him.
I would show up at the bar after a few hours that he's been there and see what's going on. If he spots you, just yell SURPRISE! I missed you so much honey that I got a baby sitter for us tonight so we can be together! Isn't that wonderful?
How did you find out about the secret email account he had/has?
I work with computers a lot, and am friends with the IT guy at work....he was deleting his history, but left other tracks and I saw a gmail account and knew he never had a gmail account...I changed his password to get in and there in the trash were the chats and the pictures....it was a lovely day
Most are single, Friday it was his brother who has a g/f, and she may have been there I don't know, doubt it because she usually works nights, but he's 24 and all his little friends are too, none of them are married...
As far as his friends go, no I don't know many of them, if I see them I know them, and they know me, but we're not friends or anything, not because H won't let me meet them, but because that's just how it's worked out, which is fine with me. Most of them are married or have girlfriends, but the only time we see his friends is when we are at the bar and usually their wives/gf aren't with them...seems to be that he is trying to have the same life all his other friends do, they go out while wife/gf stays home with the kids....the only thing is, I know I'm pretty (sounds conceited but I'm far from it lol) I know that I don't have to live this way and take that if I don't want it....
You might want to read the book "Divorce Busting". It has some ideas that might help you.
Of the ideas is the 180... here on this site the "180" refers to a specific set of behaviors that are for a person who has been cheated on or whose spouse is leaving them. But the 180 per “Divorce Busting” actually something that is tailored for each person/situation. The idea is to behave 180 degrees from the way you normally behave. The reasons being to make some real changes in yourself and to get your spouse’s attention.
Right now you are a predictable, boring SAHM. He is not ready for this. Right now you do not have your husband’s attention and he is so sure of you that he thinks he does not need to do anything to keep you. This is why I suggested that you go out and leave him to stay with the children. That you dress up when you go out. It’s not a tit for tat… it’s to make him remember that you are a woman who he wants. And if he wants you he needs to put time and effort into your marriage.
Now you could just drop the atom bomb of divorce on him and it might wake him up. But his buddies are going to tell him how there are all these other more interesting women when they go out.
If you get his attention he is going to tell his buddies that he wants to be with the hot babe he’s married to.
My suggestion is that you go to the Divorce Busters web site and read up on the 180. They even have a 180 group. Read the book too.
GreenEyes,
Friday is only 4 days away. Start lining up the baby sitter and go for it!
As an alternative, if you could have a relative watch the kids at their place, you could leave and stay with a friend that night too. When he finally comes home and finds an empty house and calls you, just tell him you're out and the kids have been taken care of. say goodnight and hang up!
I'm sure when you get home the next day there will be plenty to talk about!
GreenEyes,
Friday is only 4 days away. Start lining up the baby sitter and go for it!
As an alternative, if you could have a relative watch the kids at their place, you could leave and stay with a friend that night too. When he finally comes home and finds an empty house and calls you, just tell him you're out and the kids have been taken care of. say goodnight and hang up!
I'm sure when you get home the next day there will be plenty to talk about!
I have already been thinking about Friday haha My problem is that I don't have nearly as many friends and family as he does...if he wants to go out there is always someone that he can get ahold of to go out with....I have like 3 or 4 people and it's always hard for us to get together for one reason or another....
Do you have some friends you could swap baby sitting favors with, not sure the ages of your kids but at our house, we have kids spend the night here, then they go there, I have watched friends kids overnight -so they could get out alone, vice versa & it doesn't cost anything.
If I was in your shoes, I'd find some way to get someone to babysit on a night he plans to be late at this particular bar, grab some Gf's and go see what he is really up too. Have someone you work with , go spy on him at the very least.
I woudn't like it at all. I think couples should always go to places like that together and never stay out that late (if they are not together)... that keeps one out of temptation.
He is making excuses, sounds like he had/has an EA , the g-mail account, time to confront and lay it on the line. He is going to fear Divorce something awful -due to what it is going to cost him in Child support, time to get dirty.
I totally agree with the others. I'd be checking up on him. And telling him what I thought of what he was doing. My ex liked to pretend he was single after we had kids too. I know what it's like. I finally decided I didn't want to be married to him any more, but if you do he needs to change his behaviour. Sadly, you can't make him change, so he needs to figure out what he's gonna lose if he doesn't.
Do you have some friends you could swap baby sitting favors with, not sure the ages of your kids but at our house, we have kids spend the night here, then they go there, I have watched friends kids overnight -so they could get out alone, vice versa & it doesn't cost anything.
If I was in your shoes, I'd find some way to get someone to babysit on a night he plans to be late at this particular bar, grab some Gf's and go see what he is really up too. Have someone you work with , go spy on him at the very least.
I woudn't like it at all. I think couples should always go to places like that together and never stay out that late (if they are not together)... that keeps one out of temptation.
He is making excuses, sounds like he had/has an EA , the g-mail account, time to confront and lay it on the line. He is going to fear Divorce something awful -due to what it is going to cost him in Child support, time to get dirty.
You are not being rediculous at all.
I would totally rather have someone I know go there and see what he's up to, because if I show up, I may show up at a time when he isn't doing anything or something....I suppose it would be better to see what's going on over a longer period....
For the past month or so, maybe longer, every single weekend my H goes out to the bars. Sometimes Friday and Saturday. Of course he tells me if I have plans to go out that's fine and he'll stay home with the kids, but he says there's no sense in us both sitting at home Last I remembered we were married with kids and that's kinda what happens...right? You are right. Both parents being at home with the kids shouldn't be viewed as "sitting at home", it is called family time. Your husband needs to get involved. There are plenty of things to do as a family that don't involve "sitting around". That he has this attitude towards the family is not good, has he always been this way or is it just recently?
I am so not against him going out maybe even every other weekend or so one night with his friends, but every weekend sometimes twice seems a bit excessive to me.It is excessive. There is nothing wrong with parents going out with friends and it's good for parents to have a date night without the kids, but every weekend and sometimes twice a weekend if too much. When me and my friends go out we go out to dinner, maybe go sit at a hole in the wall bar and talk and laugh at people and then go home around 12 or so, the H is out at bars til 3 in the morning not a fan of that either.....Yep, that would tick me off also. Just who is he going out to the bars with?
His reasoning is that babysitters are too expensive to get all the time so we can go out together, and once the oldest is old enough to watch the other and herself, we can go out all the time together, and also that we need to learn how to have fun without the other, I already know how to have fun without my H lol and I know he has more fun without me, so LAME excuse Yes, lame excuses and also red flags that he is removing himself from the family
So if I decide to finally say something about it, because honestly if I wanted to be alone on the weekends all the time, I would rather be single, am I justified in saying something, or is this normal???? No it is not normalMy parents never went out without each other so idk what's a normal amount and what's excessiveWell I don't think never going out without each other is a good idea either - but yes your husband in my opinion is being excessive.......
Greeneyes - You are allowed to fear the worst not only because of his past, but because he doesn't seem to have done anything to resolve it. He throws it in your face like you have no right to be mad. He texts other woman and doesn't tell you, which is lying. He goes out, parties till the AM, and leaves you at home with the children. Not to mention he pulls that BS about finding a babysitter being too expensive.
I know lots of guys who are great fathers. That doesn't make them great husbands. It is possible be an excellent father and a douche husband. They are two different kinds of love. You should stay with him for how he treats you and you alone. He treats you like crap and you deserve better. Don’t be afraid to demand the treatment you deserve.
I know and I've said that many times, that he is a wonderful father, but he just has no idea how to be a good husband. I see when he tries, and I see when he's not trying...and that's ok for him, but that's not what I want for my life....
Goes with friends, his brothers and such, but he knows everyone at this bar because he's from the area, and he has no problems with the female conversations and attention that he gets when he goes out either....I mean he does that stuff when I'm at the bar with him, so I wouldn't think otherwise when he isn't with me...
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Re: Am I Being Ridiculous???? 
totally....Yeah I like that better, I'm confident....he had his EA and she was really really pretty and skinny too, but I'm no dog and if he can't appreciate the woman that I've become, because his EA was with a 19-year-old, then so sad for him 
---> 
Last I remembered we were married with kids and that's kinda what happens...right? You are right. Both parents being at home with the kids shouldn't be viewed as "sitting at home", it is called family time. Your husband needs to get involved. There are plenty of things to do as a family that don't involve "sitting around". That he has this attitude towards the family is not good, has he always been this way or is it just recently?
