General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Should I stay, or should I go? Marriage without children
Hello all, hoping to get some feedback on some thoughts I'm currently having in my life, regarding my marriage and lack of children.
Quick background: I'm early 40's, wife later 40's. We've been married 6 years. Have unsuccessfully tried to start a family, went through IVF and have begun the process of adoption. With the wife's age, she's now at the point where she wants to cease the adoption process, she just thinks she's too old and that no one will choose us. I know it's an older age to be thinking about starting a family, but we're young for our age! She was married once briefly in her early 20's, this is the 1st marriage for me.
We were both on the same page regarding kids when we got married, that we'd give it a shot but it wasn't a make-or-break proposition. Maybe it's our lack of success, and maybe it's me starting to feel my male "bio clock" ticking, but this appears to be changing for me. I'm now feeling like if I miss the chance to become a father, I'll regret it and miss out on something that I'd find fullfilling, and possibly resent my wife and/or my decision to marry her in the first place. Outside of this issue, we have a great relationship.
So, now I'm feeling like I may have to leave, to chase this idea of fatherhood. I don't want to leave, and have many reasons to stay, but also cannot get the thought out of my head that I'm missing out! All the cliches come to mind also, about "no reward without risk", or "chasing dreams", or "making life happen", as in not sitting back and accepting things, but going out and making things. I'm exceptionally good at over-analyzation, and go back and forth with reasons and rationals on both sides, whether to stay or go.
Looking for any insight from anyone who's gone through a similar scenario. I know that if I leave, but the time it's all sorted out and I'm ready to move on, I'll be mid-forties. Like I said, I'm young for my age and a catch, but will anyone want to marry a mid-forties dude? I also know there's great risk of jumping on the first uterus that comes along, and ending up with a crappy relationship. I know many people who have the kid, but a horrible marriage. But.............I also know that things COULD turn out great, that we make our own lives, and I could indeed make it happen and it could all be worth it in the end.
So, to stay or to go? I know the "right" answer is likely inside me, but hard for me to uncover it. Thanks for any responses!
Re: Should I stay, or should I go? Marriage without children
No one can tell you what you should do or how you should feel. You need to keep discussing this openly with your wife - meaning, share with her the thoughts you have written here. I'm sure she would want to take your thoughts into account, especially if you are really thinking of ending your marriage over this and that you are reaching this point.
I can tell you that at my age (44), I can't begin to imagine starting a family now with a baby or toddler. But if her primary concern is that she doesn't think anyone would choose you and her to adopt based on your ages, maybe you could look into adopting older children who typically have far fewer options for adoption. Also, you can look into being a foster family, which could help you with your nurturing instincts.
Basically, keep talking and exploring what you two really, truly want, and what you two can make work for you.
Re: Should I stay, or should I go? Marriage without children
The right answer is Stay.
You don't divorce a wife who cannot produce children... Who are you the King of England? If you and your wife become incapacitated or die, that would not be fair to the child, and the probability of those bad things increases with age. You can become foster parents or do some volunteer work that can be equally fulfilling as a child.
Re: Should I stay, or should I go? Marriage without children
you are missing out on fatherhood and that is a bummer.
but you mentioned that it wasn't that important if you did then great if you didn't that was ok also. stick with your plan so you guys can't have children its not the end of the world enjoy yourselves travel/pick up an expensive hobby(kids are costly).
or if you really want to make a difference be a foster parent there are many neglected kids who need a caring responsible parental figure in there life. and you sound like you would be great at it.
Re: Should I stay, or should I go? Marriage without children
You say that she is in her upper 40's and you have been married for 6 years, which means she was already in her early 40's when you married her. Certainly you had to realize when you got married that your time for children was very limited (for both of you). The risk of birth defects goes way up for both men and women after 40. Not to mention her fertility.
From this perspective it doesn't look like kids were the first thing on your mind when you got married and now you are lamenting the fact that you don't (or won't) have any. It sounds a bit like you are feeling sorry for yourself.
Accept you life as it comes to you every day and live it to fullest (with or without kids).
Re: Should I stay, or should I go? Marriage without children
My parents had me at age 44 (oops ) Most kids thought my mom was my Grandma...the generation gap was too much for either of my parents to "keep current" with the times.....I buried my father at age 17 and my mother at age 22.....food for thought.....It is kind of rough on a child to have the "oldest parent".
Re: Should I stay, or should I go? Marriage without children
[QUOTE=Toffer;626005]Tad,
Have you talked to her about these feelings of yours? Don't you think she has a right to know?[QUOTE]
Oh yeah, we've discussed this at length, and have gone to a counselor to help sort it out. She knows how I feel about this, she knows that there's a chance I leave, and she is afraid of that. It has caused some problems for us. I think she's reached the point where she's given up on the idea, and I haven't. She's told me that it's "still not too late" for me, meaning that the choice is mine about whether or not to go, because I can still father a child, whereas she can no longer give birth.
We are considering fostering, in fact are going to an initial information meeting this week. Obviously, there's a great need for foster parents, and I'm sure it's a worthy and fullfilling thing to do. I know there are instances where foster parents have an option to adopt, but it's no guarantee.
Re: Should I stay, or should I go? Marriage without children
Quote:
Originally Posted by charlie18
You say that she is in her upper 40's and you have been married for 6 years, which means she was already in her early 40's when you married her. Certainly you had to realize when you got married that your time for children was very limited (for both of you). The risk of birth defects goes way up for both men and women after 40. Not to mention her fertility.
From this perspective it doesn't look like kids were the first thing on your mind when you got married and now you are lamenting the fact that you don't (or won't) have any. It sounds a bit like you are feeling sorry for yourself.
Accept you life as it comes to you every day and live it to fullest (with or without kids).
Right, kids were not the reason we got married. We got married because we were(are) in love, and are excellent partners for each other. But, if there's anything constant in life, it's change! I feel differently now, it's more important to me. Is that "feeling sorry" for myself? I don't know, I don't think so. Your last line resonates with me, I am the type of person to remain positive and always thankful for the many other ways I'm blessed in my life. It's just that the fact remains: I can still father a child, and want to.
Re: Should I stay, or should I go? Marriage without children
Well it sound like you’ve thought this through and you’ve weighed all the options. It truly is a dilemma and unfortunately for your part it’s a crap shoot either way. You could stay and try either natural or adoption and not be successful at either one. Or you could go and risk being in an unhappy marriage still with no guarantee that you’ll have children.
I feel for you, really I do because this is one of those things that, and I hate to use this phrase but; you should have thought about that earlier. I mean life is short but fertility life is even shorter and it’s not something that any of us have the luxury of waiting until we’re 40 to make any definite decisions about.
You know what your choices are and even the possible outcomes of those choices. We here at TAM can tell you what we think, give you advise and even make suggestions however the ultimate decision is yours.
Good luck to you. I hope and pray everything works out for you… and your wife.
BTW did you mean for the title of your post to have a Clash reference? I was a big fan.
Re: Should I stay, or should I go? Marriage without children
Quote:
Originally Posted by charlie18
You say:"It's just that the fact remains: I can still father a child, and want to."
That is innate to manhood and will never go away. It is part of your being. That yearning will never stop. The question is; can you live with that?
Exactly Charlie, the innate yearning to do what male species do. I'm sure I could talk myself into living with that, but that's the quandary, I shouldn't have to talk myself into living in a way that I want to live. On the flip side, I'm well aware that I'd be giving up a lot(more details than I'm noting here) if I move on, and impacting lives other than my own.
Re: Should I stay, or should I go? Marriage without children
Quote:
Originally Posted by Angel5112
The best thing you can do is continue to discuss the way you feel with her. Also try to get her to resolve her feeling about children and why she is now giving up. I understand her being at an age where she can no longer give birth but it is never too late for adoption, and while fostering can be very fulfilling it can also be very unfulfilling. My dad is fostering 3 kids right now and some days he loves them, but some days he wants to toss them out. It is difficult to get past the severe emotional issues that a lot of foster children will carry.
Although you didn't marry so you could have children, both of you had it in mind as an option. You said it wasn't a deal breaker when you got married but that has changed and you shouldn't feel bad for that. People change. You need to realize that it is your wife changing just as much as you. She has been beaten down by the fact that she can't bear children which is probably a blown to her womanhood. You two were unsure about children. You changed your mind one way. She changed hers the other.
Now the trouble is that one of you is either going to have to compromise and live with the others choice, or leave.
Have you tried a surrogate? It is a little more expensive but also a more sure way to parenthood.
Excellent response, thank you! Very true, it's been a blow to my wife to not be able to conceive, especially considering we went the IVF route, and were told we had an excellent chance of it working. Good point about her changing as well, and not just me. We haven't talked surrogacy, but I'll research it. Sounds expensive!
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Should I stay, or should I go? Marriage without children 
I also know there's great risk of jumping on the first uterus that comes along, and ending up with a crappy relationship. I know many people who have the kid, but a horrible marriage. But.............I also know that things COULD turn out great, that we make our own lives, and I could indeed make it happen and it could all be worth it in the end.
) Most kids thought my mom was my Grandma...the generation gap was too much for either of my parents to "keep current" with the times.....I buried my father at age 17 and my mother at age 22.....food for thought.....It is kind of rough on a child to have the "oldest parent".
