General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am still trying to figure out things with the bomb that dropped on me last week. I live with my boyfriend and his son, He has two daughters 6 and 12. He goes to Florida and stays at his x-wife’s house while there even though his brother and sister both have homes the next town over. When he goes he says he sleeps with his little daughters. He thinks I am interfering with him seeing his girls. I have no problem with him going to see them, just with staying at his wife’s place. He has told be in the past that he was at his sisters or his brothers for three years now. If he didn’t think it was wrong then why didn’t he tell me about it before? In all honesty, if he had told me when we first started seeing each other I would have dropped him, but he waits till I have an attachment to him and his family to tell me. The whole time he must have told friends, children and family to keep their mouths shut which makes me look foolish and shows them that we have a questionable relationship.
I have no one to talk to about this as I know no one that has been in this position. I think it is too much to expect of me and can’t help wondering if I know everything now. What do you think about the situation? Would you accept his word on it that he has no interest and there is nothing going on? Don’t you think he is putting himself in a compromising position? I love him and the kids they have become my family but I don’t know what to do. So many times in the past when I told myself that I should leave and didn’t because of the things my X did, I regretted.
The jury is still out on this, I am trying to figure out what I can accept or if I am over-reacting. I do not want to be alone again but I do not want to be with someone who disrespects me. I am just trying to think things out but it is interfering with my work and my studies. I just need some real good advice.
I would definitely be suspicious of him. However, let's face the facts. If he was carrying on a physical relationship with his ex, he wouldn't need to stay at her house would he? He just as easily could be staying at one of his sibling's places and still carry on a relationship with his ex.
I think the best solution would be to go with him when he goes to see his kids.
We were suppose to go last year. he had not told me about this arrangement and the last minute he changede his mind about us going. (we were suppose to stay at his sisters). He had no plans to go down there as money was tight but then he tells me she broke up with her boyfriend and the next thing I know he booked a flight for him. He never asked me to go.
No I do not have access. I know they talk. In the past I always felt that I could trust him and that we had a good relationship but now I am confused he lied to me by ommision. Yes he stayed at his relatives but only for a day out of the four when he goes. He has never told me he loved me, I guess maybe there is a reason for that.
She cheated on him more than once in there 18 year marriage. He has to pay her 1500.00 a month in child support and I can't help but feel that if she would take him back he would go for that reason alone. I do not beleive he loves her but I think she manipulates and I think the money is a big thing too him, he's kind of cheap sometimes.
I feel that I should leave but I do not want to but I do not want to live with someone who doesn't respect me. He will not stop he feels there is nothing wrong with him staying there.
The reason why he does this is because you let him. Do not give him the choice , he stays with his siblings or you pack his bags. He knows exactly what he is doing and you most certainly should not accept the situation.
His daughters see him in their mothers house , what message does it give them? The pretence that they are a family.
Be very ready to kick him out as he is playing you to be a desperate fool who will tolerate his lack of consideration of you. If he leaves you know he never cared, if he agrees to your request then firm them up with him and have him evidence he is at his family overnight. Posted via Mobile Device
I stay at his house. I had my own house and rented it out when we decided to live together. But I have been sleeping in the spare bedroom. He is being sweet and decent to me right now but will not budge on this topic about staying down there at her house. I do not think he things I am desparate, I am smart and fairly pretty certainly more so than his wife was. I am also well educated soon to be promoted, I think I have a lot to offer and men have never been lacking for me. It is that I want for once in my life to be settled. I know relationships require a lot of work but I do not know if I can handle this. I am trying to work it all out in my mind and figure out what is really important and what my actions or in actions will bring me for results.
Big red flags. You run the risk of getting hurt if things between him and his ex-wife are not completely over. If she's his ex, then he should be treating her as an ex and he shouldn't be staying at her house without you. Also, since he lied to you about where he was staying in the past, you can't be sure you're getting the whole truth from him now. Have you spoken to the ex-wife to see if things between them are actually over? Have you spoken to any of his siblings to see if you have unintentionally become a mistress to a guy whose marriage is not completely over? Something isn't adding up and it's going to come back to bite you. Draw a line here and see what happens; be firm, seek answers, and stay open-minded to the fact that he may just be playing you. That's just my opinion.
I will keep your response in mind. His family and friends would never tell me anything. I know this, besides he has never given me the phone numbers or e-mails for me to get chumy. His sister stayed with us a feww days but never let on.
I do not think he things I am desparate, I am smart and fairly pretty certainly more so than his wife was. I am also well educated soon to be promoted, I think I have a lot to offer and men have never been lacking for me. It is that I want for once in my life to be settled. I know relationships require a lot of work but I do not know if I can handle this.
Your worth compared to her is irrelevant in this discussion. He and his ex have history and that carries weight sometimes. Men do not always cheat up, and fidelity isn't about a competition between women with the guy going to the better catch.
You value yourself and that is more important than whether or not he values you, but if he isn't showing you that he values you above his gratification, you are showing him that you're not worth much. You deserved to be loved honestly and not played. It is true that relationships take work, but, don't invest that work and effort if it isn't the real deal, if it isn't with someone who respects you, honors you, and cherishes you. Find out the truth and if he's not being honest, be ready to walk away because you deserve better than to be played.
I agree with Eli-Zor He does it because he can. Let him know that this is not a satisfactory situation for you. If he doesn’t accept that and leaves then that just confirms what you already suspect and you’re better off without him. If he cares then he will make other arrangements to see his kids.
Well, you are still the gf, live in or not. He is a dad...with another woman as the mom. He needs to see his kids and you shouldn't have to go every time.
I thank you all for your discussion on this. I think one thing I need to do is comfront him about why he is with me. Am I just a convience that pays half the rent or do I really mean something to him. I have to say Lying is not something he does as a rule. He has always been very upfront with me in the past. I am sure he held out telling me becuase he knew I would respond this way. I pressured him into admitting it when I suggested to him that his timing was some thing else and why did he mention any thing about going down there to see the kids until she broke up with her boyfriend ( a real phsyco let me tell you) I think I need to ask him if there is anything else he should be getting off his chest so that I can make the choice I should have had before I moved in with him about this arrangement and any other thing.
It is completely possible that nothing is going on between them.
But what should matter here is how you feel about him staying at her house. If you are uncomfortable about it, then he should stay at with his brother or sister.
If he does not care about your feelings on this then he is not long term relationship material.
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