Hunter2727

I am a guy who has just been "woken" up by my wife. We separated in January, we she dropped the bomb on me and told me that she no longer loved me like a husband and wanted to separate.

We have 3 kids.

I am a fixer and my initial reaction was okay, let work this out and we can fix this.

I has been almost two months of separation and I have done a massive amount of work on myself. And she has finally shared with me what has happened to her.

We were married young and have 3 beautiful kids now. I have criticized her our entire marriage. After reading Patricia Evans book "Controlling People" I realize that I had an imaginary woman in my mind that I was always comparing my wife to and she was always coming up short. The net result is her self confidence eroded to the point when began to loath herself and she became very sad to being on the brink of depressed.

What is even more tragic, is that I had no idea of what was happening and that I was causing all of our issues in our marriage through my verbal abuse. Evans describes this as being under a spell. It is true, I thought that I was just being honest with her and holding her to the same level of accountabilty I held myself to. I did not realize what I was actually doing was not projecting an imaginary person into her and not accepting her as a person. I no longer saw her as a real person, but rather someone who should know what I wanted at all times and should always be supportive and meet my immature emotional needs.

My wife describes it as one day it was just over for her. And she disconnected. Now that we are separated she is refinding herself and says that he life is better than it has ever been.

I want to fight for the marriage, but my wife keeps telling me that there is no marriage and that she justs needs to get healthy. I now understand what I have done with my verbal abuse with my understanding am committed to change. My actions have demonstrated that I have already changed significantly. I have worked with two pyschologists and am now joined up with a men's group called "Men and their emotions".

I have so many questions. My wife has been a stay at home mom and I have always worked really hard to provide well for our family. I also have always been 100% committed to her.

I still feel such a deep love for her. I now understand that love is compassion and acceptance. And that what I should have done is to celebrate her for who she is and have accepted her instead of always wanting her to change to my imaginary standard I had in my mind.

Should I just forget about her and move on? Will she ever come back? What is the right thing to do? What is the right process?

I am so lost. I am very successful in business and in my life in general, after being dumped, I am sitting here on my butt, literally in a daze. Not knowing what to do.

Any support is appreciated.

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Yes, move on.

My ex was very abusive verbally. To some point physically. I lived a year in pure hell. I left. I'm very strong in standing up for myself. I didn't let anyone bring me down no matter how many times they criticized me or told me how worthless I was. To this day he still calls me worthless. I could care less what he thinks.

He never recognized his abuse, he blames everything on everyone else. I should of known better when he told my parents before we married that he has no respect for women. This includes his own children. He clearly has serious issues.

It didn't take long to disconnect from my ex h. I moved out and filed for divorce right away. His gf moved in 3 days after I left, but he had it in his mind I was coming back. I never ever had any intentions of reconciling with him. The thought of it made me sick for what he had done.

If your wife says she's moved on, she's telling the truth. I doubt she'll get back together with you. The damage is done. Even if you got back together, what are the chances of you falling in the same patterns? I do think it's best to start fresh.

It's a very good thing you sought help for your actions. In my exes case, his abuse worsened over the years. His wife puts up with it.

Ten_year_hubby

Hunter,

Where are the kids? How are the bills getting paid? Who is paying your wife's rent?

DTO

I'd say let it go. She clearly does not want to be with you; now that she's apart from you she's finding life better than ever.

As far as resolving your own issues, I'd say don't place too much stock in what she says about your faults. People in general (and, it seems, women in particular) tend to be masterful blame shifters. She could be in denial about what she did to the relationship or could just be trying to hurt you.

My ex claimed persistent, long-term verbal and emotional abuse on my part, simply for pointing out that she was treating me badly (no sex), that she was shirking her responsibility to me, and insisting on better. I've totally BTDT. You're better off examining your issues with the help of an unbiased professional.

A warning: if she's tossing out a litany of allegations against you like this and is really that fed up, you need to prepare for a nasty divorce. The emnity she has for you (justified or not) will likely impact how she deals with you overall and even how she portrays you to your kids. Get a lawyer (like yesterday), find out what you need to do to protect your assets and rights to your kids, and gird yourself for battle.

confusedhousewife

I have to tell you, I am on the receiving end of your situation. My husband, who I have separated from, is in your shoes with very similar circumstances. He wasn't trying to change me or anything, but he has been extremely hurtful with the things he says and does for years. For example, when i had the dishwasher open to let the water evaporate before putting the dishes away, he said "Are you doing to put these away or are you just looking at them?" He thought he was being funny but it was insulting and hurtful and not a way to treat a spouse. That was just par for the course. I could list more examples all day. But back to your situation, as the person on the receiving end of the verbal abuse, I know I can say I can't see getting back together with my husband. I don't want to put myself back in that position to feel degraded on a daily basis again. however, my husband is a "I can deal with it myself...I don't need help" kind of guy who thinks I need to get therapy for feeling like I do about him (yeah seriously). You seem like you are actually trying to improve the situation and solve the problem. Whether she will be receptive to that or not, I can not say. So, I can't tell you what will happen or what you should do. I can tell you that my husband has been harassing the tar out of me by calling, texting, and trying to visit ever since the separation and just reminding me daily that he doesn't respect me or my needs one bit, so I would suggest avoiding that route.

lovesherman

You are in a tough spot because your wife is no longer willing to be vulnerable to you because you have hurt her so much.

I would write her a letter telling her what you have learned about yourself, and how you want to start a new marriage with her.

Read it over before you give it to her, and make sure that you do not blame her in any way so that she does not feel defensive. Tell her how you fell in love with her when you were first courting. Be careful not to seem like you are begging, but try to have her recall when the marriage was good.

I think you should fight for your marriage. Your wife will be leery of trusting you, but at least you will know that you gave it your best shot.

sinnister

What you describe is not verbal abuse.

Irrational expectations and constant criticism is being a jerk..but something an adult brings up from time to time. If you had no idea you were doing it I'm assuming she never told you.

Verbal abuse is beating a person down with words. Is that what you did? If so....let her go.

Actually either way let her go. She seems to have found peace without you. It really really sucks cause you clearly love her.

Sully6

I will differ from most that have posted before me. I was in your shoes almost to a tee. I wasn't trying to do what I did, but just didn't recognize it. Long story short, after a very expensive counseling retreat that we were fortunate to afford where I was beaten down by the counselor pretty good (he worked with Navy Seals, Judges, Celebrities and many who are used to having power), I finally realized the feelings my wife had endured as a consequence of my actions. It really is up to you. It will require self analysis (reading books which I never did), learning new means of communication and finding the ability to not always convince her to see things your way. This process will take longer than most due to the lengthy damage and deep scarring your wife has experienced. She will likely need her freedom much more than you would prefer, but you will need that space for her to be able to see the changes that you are making. It will take more time because she won't think the changes are permanent and even when she does, she will have a hard time forgetting. That history is there. The healing will only start getting better as good memories start overwriting the bad.... Slowly... The bad news is that this will take a long time and a lot of pain (it took me two years). The good news is that it can be done. We have done it I am glad to say. So it comes down to whether you feel you can handle the fight. I/we found the strength and am so happy I/we did. Things are so much better. The down side is I don't know if I could ever find that type of strength again. I am constantly trying to remember my past agony and hers so that I won't have to. Good luck. You can do it if your heart tells you to. Dig deep and commit to making yourself and your relationship better, but it will need to be at her pace not yours... and that's tough for someone who is organized, and likes to control things even if that is not their intent (trust me).

savannah

it's hard to face.. but sometimes, when two people aren't good to each other... they are twice as bad if there are kids involved.

If you certainly cannot co-exist productively together it becomes a matter of who (or can there be change) will change because there are kids involved-

and whether as a whole, are you better off not being together.... CHANGE is a big word ... ask yourself WHAT CAN BE DONE.. If your want this to work, a lot of change must be made to make the family whole, starting with the two of you...

itgetsbetter

Six of one, half a dozen of another. He emotionally abused her from what he described...he did so verbally. Emotional abuse? Verbal abuse? Doesn't matter. He clearly agrees he was abusive.

I don't know if you've ever lived in this sort of relationship, but I was raised in one. And then it also existed in first marriage, among other things.

She may have told him dozens of times, directly and indirectly. Someone who is emotionally abusive rarely MEANS to be or may not even realize they are...even in the face of evidence. Who wants to believe they are so cruel? People justify, justify, justify. We all do...through our own faults...every day.

____________________

OP, my ex did similar things to me...I was supposed to morph into this other person he expected me to be and when I wasn't, I was torn down verbally and sometimes physically. I never knew I wasn't supposed to be me anymore after we married

My husband did a lot worse things to me though than what you describe. Even so, if he'd really recognized what he'd done...sought many venues of help...*changed* and asked my forgiveness? It would have meant everything to me. I would have continued to try to work things through. In fact, that's what I thought was going on when I discovered his millionth EA and this time (how many others I don't know), PA.

However, as I'm sure you know, you cannot make your wife turn back to you. If she's made up her mind that you get no more chances, get ready for the sad world of divorce. It's very hard even when leaving a bad marriage. You continue to work on yourself though, and however things end up...you will be ok. Best wishes!

River1977

Geez, Hunter, I sure am glad for your sake that you are not like this guy. We are all blame-shifting females who are in denial and lying on our poor innocent husbands. I don't know if you noticed yet, but the majority of complaints among the women on these boards and all the forums like it are exactly as you describe - how their husband is abusive in some, if not many, forms. Oops, I almost forgot.......we're all just blame-shifting females who are in denial and lying on our poor innocent husbands.

And, for your sake, you'd better never become this guy DTO. He will never learn. But you, on the other hand, sound like you are learning from your mistakes and trying to become a better man. Sadly, I fear it is too late for your marriage, but it may, at least hopefully, make you a better man for the next one - the next one who, like your wife, deserves to be treated well (and does NOT deserve to be treated like crap) just as your wife deserved all the long.

You sound remorseful, and please believe me when I say I think you are a very big person for admitting what you did to your wife. I think you deserve happiness in your future and truly believe you will find it as long as you stay on this path of self improvement. Again sadly, I don't think it will be with your wife. I don't even think it SHOULD be with your wife because she needs to find herself again and re-establish the person she truly is and be able to heal and overcome all the years you beat her down. She spent all these years walking on eggshells in futile effort to avoid your criticisms, putdowns, and emotional battering. She spent all these years losing her sense of self, her confidence, her self esteem, and her own sense of self worth. I think you should accept the demise of your marriage and allow her to move on and regain all that you robbed from her.

I wish more women were like your wife. It is absolutely sickening to me how women usually stay in the kind of relationships you describe, which is rather tame compared to how bad abuse usually escalates to. And, they stay in those terrible marriages also, while men like DTO blames THEM for the abuse the men inflict. I have no idea why women stay and put up with all that. I have no idea why your wife stayed for this long, but she has determined she's finally had enough. She doesn't have to and really should not be expected to accept or believe that you have changed. Even if she does, she sounds like the typical Walk Away Wife, who is fed up and has no more love left.

Again, I really commend you for learning and accepting your faults and for being determined to change your behavior. I don't know if you noticed this either, but the main complaint among men on these boards is no sex, just like DTO stated above. Men normally do not admit to anything on boards like this. They normally refuse to even entertain they, themselves, are, or even might be, the reason their wives have turned away emotionally and sexually. Maybe it will take more women like your wife for the guys like DTO to wake up as you have done although DTO still has not. After all, I am talking about the fact that women don't (or very, very seldom) leave. They stay and just keep putting up with it unknowingly fortifying their men with more amunition every single day. Think about it: Had she never left, you would never have woken to become, albeit somewhat forcibly, such the better man and much better able to prepare and provide for your own future happiness. If she comes back, it will be a looooong haaaarrrrd road to recovery for your marriage and relationship because even though she will have decided to return and work on things, she will hold you to task practically every minute of your life. She will likely be very resentful and take it out on you. I don't know that you will be happy with that at all. You might even end up being the one to give up next time.

But who knows. She just might need to know you have really changed and will come around at some point soon enough. If reconciling is truly what you hope for, then don't give up on her. Ask her to attend marriage counseling with you. Tell her that even though she does not want the marriage anymore, she at least deserves to be able to talk with the counselor. Good therapists are often able to convince wifey to give it one last chance.

MrK

I can guarantee it it too late for this one. Time to leave. I finally gave up my two and a half years of hell trying to make her love me again. Not gonna' happen. It won't with you either. She's gone. Time to move on with your life. I wish someone told me that three years ago. I might be happy now. Instead, I die a little more every night when she comes to bed and turns her back to me like I'm not even there. Every night.

You ready to endure that? No? Then it's time to leave. You will ALWAYS be the abuser. Always. You will go 6 months as the perfect gentleman. One slip-up. Or worse, one misunderstood comment and you're back to square one. The abusive husband never left you.

Save yourself a lot of anguish and let her leave. She's gone. Time to start over for you. I'm just one person with that perspective. But I've spent almost 3 years on these forums. A huge percentage of wives emotionally leave the marriage. They RARELY come back. Yo willing to go through years of painful Hell for what the odds say will be a losing cause?

Sorry, but it's over. Don't make my mistake. Just leave now.

DTO

I did not say that all women are blame shifters. I DID say that people in general tend to blame shift, but that women are more likely to use this sort of emotional attack. A guy IMO is much more able to say "hey, it did not work, let's go our own ways" and much less likely to want to assign blame or punish.

Whether you agree with my generalizations or not, the crux of my advice is based on the fact that people lash out and hurt others during emotionally trying times. His wife may or may not be doing this. Not that I did not tell him to disregard his ex's feelings, but rather to get unbiased professional input.

You are not in my home and have no right to pass judgment on me. Your logic to be that if my ex alleged abuse then it must have happened - which is ironic, because you are doing (to an extreme) exactly what you have accused me of doing.

An earlier post contains a detailed history of my marriage. My ex was not capable of a normal sex life, knew she had issues (her words, not my assumption), and refused to get help (again, her words). Still, she proposed marriage for her own reasons and hid her issues because she knew I would not marry her otherwise (once again, her words). After, when I asked "what about sex", she blamed me even though she never intended to provide. I was a pervert; she claimed sex that never happened; I did not make enough money for her to be into it; etc. Sounds a lot like emotional abuse, doesn't it?

Eventually (after many years) I found the courage to assert my needs as equal to hers. I reminded her of her promises, her responsibility to fulfill those promises, and her failure to meet that responsibility. And, I started doing essentially the 180 that you read about here. None of that is abusive; it is merely appropriate responses to specific problematic behaviors.

So then, why did she claim abuse? She did merely because her actions carried consequences. I stopped being at her beck and call. I did more for myself and less for her. I never forced her to do anything, but would not pretend to be content. Basically, I did not let her off the hook and accept scraps of sex. But, in her mind, I owed her a life free from discomfort or compromise on her part, and failure to provide that was abuse.

If you are still convinced that I must have been an abuser based on her claims, consider that I have extensive professional input saying otherwise

AFEH

Hunter2727 I think it excellent to have such a good sense of personal responsibility, but I think you are taking it way too far.


Your wife is an adult and as such she should have tried to get the problems between the two of you fixed. She didn’t, she upped and left you.

There will be far more to the reasons why she left you than you will ever be able to see or know about, let alone be able to do anything about them.




Why on earth are you so deeply in love with a woman you have created in your own mind? I doubt you even know your wife and if you were to get to know her you’d discover she’s not a woman you’d want to spend time with anyway!

Locard

1. I wonder what his name is.

2. Your wife just put her chidren at a HUGE disadvantage for her own selfishness. Stop apologizing. Don't buy into all the man shaming language that has been thrown at you. If she was telling you the truth she would have given you a chance, at least for the kids sake. Part of the problem is the constant bombardment of divorce porn crammed down our throats.

"Abuse" is a tern tossed around WAY too often.