2crazy4her

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Not sure if this is the correct place for my first post but here it goes anyways.

My wife and I have been married for 11 years (together for 14).
Last week I was looking over our phone records online (house phone) and noticed a few long duration calls (30-50 minutes each) and I checked the number and did not know it so I did a reverse lookup.
I then checked the cell phone bill and it had a couple of calls to the same number. My wife is a self confessed NON phone person so this intrigued me some.

I then made up a story about a mutual friend of ours and this person she has been calling and he has called my house too a couple of times (all when I'm at work). I told her that this "friend" told me about their calls to each other and get togethers for coffee.

I got my wife to confess to me that this guy was someone that she worked with over a year ago who had just been dumped by his longtime girlfriend of 7 years and he called her one day out of the blue to talk. She said they had coffee a couple of times and then I asked her if she had been to his house and she said once just to see it.

I told her and I believe that she is being very naive about this and that no way does a guy call someone that he hasn't talked to in almost a year and isn't looking for something. Especially a guy who is now single and lonely.

Its been about a week of me knowing this stuff now and today I caught her driving from a road that would take her to the town where he lives. I approached her and she told me that she had just gotten back from telling him that they cannot "talk" anymore because it is killing me.

I may be old fashioned or something, but I do not think that having a secret friend of the opposite sex (who is single BTW) is a healthy thing for any relationship.

I haven't been myself for a week now and probably have lost 5 pounds as well.

She says she loves me and is in love with me and is never leaving. But I do know how these casual friendships can blossom into more than that.

Am I being unreasonable here?

1nurse

Sounds like an emotional affair to me. If you search you'll find a lot of threads about this. Happened to me. Ultimately ended our marriage. I don't know why your wife had to go in person to tell this guy she couldn't have any further contact with him. Strange.

moogvo

No, you are not being unreasonable at all. I would continue to see where she is going.

My belief has been changed from "It's okay to have friends of the opposite sex as long as you don't cross any lines" to "Opposite sex friendships are totally inappropriate by any married person - ever."

It's one thing if you and your wife have a friendship with another married couple and you are all friendly with each other (Even in that situation, there should never be a circumstance where she should be alone with him no matter what!) So if this is someone that you don't even know, then you can bet your testosterone that it is out of the question.

I understand all about trust, and I also understand where blind faith in someone will lead to. NO marriage is foolproof ever. Adding in an unsupervised opposite-sex "friendship" is a recipe for disaster if it hasn't already become disastrous.

Now, having said that, understand that I am not the jealous type. I am not clingy nor am I needy. My wife of 7 years could have left here for days at a time (and has in the past) and I never raised an eyebrow. She would NEVER cheat on me... but then she did.

Look, you are a guy (I presume)... If you don't want your tools to get ripped off then you don't leave them laying out in the driveway. Cold comparison I know, but you get the idea.

My wife told me the same thing "they all say". It wasn't my intention to get that deeply involved. It just happened before I realized what was going on."

I have a female friend who is married to a good friend of mine. As much as I look at her like "one of the guys", the fact is that she is an extremely attractive woman... A real hottie if I am going to be honest.

While the fact is that I would feel dirty and over the line just looking at her that way, the reality is that if we were left alone for any length of time, it would turn out badly, I'm sure. Then you add in ANY sort of marital disappointment and you have an explosive and extremely volatile compound on your hands.

now, take out the familiarity of that person. You don't know him. How is he to respect YOUR feelings (as I would with my friend).

To over-simplify, "Married people have no business having friends of the opposite sex. This is flirting with disaster. Being a secret friend is downright over the line and is never acceptable."

Tell her that you want to meet this friend. After all, you have the right to know who she is fraternizing with - Just as she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

Good luck with this one.

~Moog

Amplexor

I’ll disagree with Mood on this one. Even though my marriage was very damaged by the EA my wife was involved in, I have no problem with her having male friends. She always has had them and until the EA there was never a problem. Depending on how long your wife was communicating would help to determine if it was/is an EA. The amount of communication, in your case, is not as important as her hiding it. That is the true indicator. If she didn’t think it might be a problem then she would have been open about I do agree that TOM is sniffing around your wife and you should take exception to that. You wife has stated she loves you and is in love with you so build on that. You may have nipped this in the bud but don’t be lackadaisical about. This is a warning that she may be missing something from you. Now is a good time to do a marital inventory with her to see areas you’d both like to see improved.

One word of caution. Making up a story about a mutual friend telling you was a mistake. Your marriage needs to build trust. Trust in her that she has ended the relationship as she needs to trust in you that you are shooting straight with her. Practice what you preach.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

2crazy4her

Let me clarify a couple of things that maybe I didn't in the original post.

1. The only reason I made up the story of how I found out was to cover for how I did find out. She would have assumed that I was snooping around to find something when in fact that was the first time I had ever checked my phone calls online since I recently switched to Comcast and saw that I could do that so I was just checking it out and stumbled onto this.

2. I have a problem with her having single male friends period, then you addin this secret friend (ex-coworker) that has suddenly popped back up after 8 or so months and quickly after he is dumped by his longtime GF. I also found out last night that he too doesn't work at the same place that they both once worked as well.

We have been talking through this and I think we have gotten closer in all ways the past week or so, I do know that she is down about ending this "friendship" and I too am torn. She asked me yesterday morning what I wanted her to do about it and I told her the selfish part of me wanted her to end it but the other part was very unsure of what I should have said. I was in a no win situation with that.

I am glad its over (allegedly), and have to take her at her word. She is also refusing now to take her cell phone back but I want her to have it for emergencies and such.

Amplexor

Then why not be honest with her as to how you found out?

Then this is your problem, not hers. Don’t misunderstand me, I agree the relationship had the potential to be dangerous. But it was the secrecy of it, not the contact that was a red flag. If you have a problem with her having “male” friends will she interpret that as controlling? Will it foster resentment on her part in the future? The fact that she won’t take her cell phone back is an act of submission that would indicate a controlling relationship. Just something to think about. I would still suggest the two of you take an inventory at this time to make sure that there are not things she feels she is missing in the marriage. She was obviously getting some attention from this man that she enjoyed. She should be getting that from you as her husband.

__________________
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Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

broo

Girls love to have male friends, and those male friends love to seduce them. Seduction is a time thing, not necessarily an intention thing.
One minute they are talking about their favorite tv shows, and sharing about their problems, and the next minute a flip switches in their head and they are so irresistably attracted to one another that she has to do him on a neighbor's broken swingset.
I don't care if he is homosexual, homeless, or quadraplegic: given enough one-on-one time she will jump his bones. She has decided to let him be the one to meet her emotional needs. She probably still has a mental block. She thinks she would never cheat, she thinks she is morally superior and incapable of such a heinous thing.
Fast forward two months, and all the barriers are broken, because she's consistently and deliberately put herself in the situation where they will be. She wants the stars to align against her moral standards, and so she keeps giving them an opportunity and hoping that they will.

No matter what, you are the bad guy in this situation. Your only hope is to compete. You have to be more fun than this guy, which his extra hard because you are not new, and he has a major kundalini advantage (she is nervous that he may not like her).

Lose 10 lbs, change your hair, buy better clothes. Start up an athletic hobby you've always been interested in like Swing dancing or ice hockey. Invite her on dates that focus on the experience of being together (not movies). Don't watch TV at all, temporarily quit any obssesive hobbies that annoy her like fishing, watching football, or playing video games. Be exciting. Flirt constantly, but never be needy or forceful.
Develop a penchant for some exotic wine or liquor. Get her shnockered every night, and seduce her on the neighbor kid's trampolene during a meteor shower.

Remember that you have an advantage too. She is chemically bonded to you, and she likes you enough to have married you. You know all her likes and dislikes. This guy is probably not marriage material. Currently, she probably finds you sexually repulsive even if she doesn't say. It's time to crank up the flair by getting her into you. Pop in the shower with her just to wash her back and kiss her neck and then vanish. If you can keep her antennae up, then it is you who she will be looking to spend more time with.

If you can keep her off this guy long enough for him to get a steady girlfriend, he'll stop talking to her.

moogvo

Amen to that, Broo!

Lemme tell you about women... I am married to the strongest and most trustworthy woman on the planet. She had been married before and had a couple of long term relationships as well. She is the type of person that makes sure all of the doors are closed before opening another. Everything has to match and be balanced out in every aspect of her life.

This woman knows how to build a spreadsheet better than the people who wrote Microsoft Excel.

However, in a time of marital fulfillment, she met someone at work and went from stranger to lover in 2 weeks flat.

As she recalls the situation, she doesn't know how it happened or why. She doesn't remember ever having feelings of wrongdoing or fear of being caught.

Having been the infidel in a previous relationship, I can say that I totally understand how this goes. I know exactly how she is feeling because i have been there.

Having said that... opposite-sex "friendships" are extremely dangerous, just like playing in the street. "Well, I have a safety vest on. I am easily seen". Is that a guarantee that someone coming up the road texting on their phone or looking for a cigarette they dropped in their crotch will not run you down? NO! so why take the gamble and play in traffic as the saying goes. What is the benefit that is worth the risk?

Same thing applies to marriages and opposite-sex friendships. Given time and circumstance, they will turn ugly. I was NEVER a believer of this, but NOW I see completely how dangerous it is.

having a friend of opposite sex may be okay as long as:

1) It isn't intentionally hidden from the spouse for fear of being misunderstood.

2) The "Friends" don't ever allow themselves to be in a setting or a place where inappropriate things can take place.

besides... What IS cheating anyway? To me, cheating is to do anything that you would not do if your spouse was in the room.

Sorry, I have had many female friends over the years. I have had good friendships with women over the years, but it isn't worth it to play in the road at the risk of getting hit by a car that I didn't see.

The way I see it is that you are either married, or you aren't. If you are married, then you don't go off to play singles games. It's grow-up time.

And by the way, my name is NOT "Mood"

~Moog

Amplexor

When it comes to the comfort level with a spouse’s relationships with the opposite sex, I guess it boils down to personal jealousies and insecurities. I don’t suffer much from either. Sorry about the typo Moog. Digital Dyslexia

__________________
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Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

JodyGlangley

As a woman, I allowed myself to be "seduced" by my male friend...he was attentive, funny, said all the right things; my guy was too busy for me, hadn't told me he wanted me in ages...guess what..i fell into it! And now I lost my best guy of 8 years! Not to mention the thought of my "friend" makes me sick...the mind can play horrible things on you!

Jen

I don't think you're being unreasonable; in fact, I think you're the one being naive. Instead of lying, you should have come right out and told her you're onto her and how you found out. At this point, it may only be an emotional affair, but it can develop into more very easily. Not only that, but I don't understand why she had to tell him it was over in person. Doesn't that sound suspicious to you? It seems to me that since she was caught, she'd send an email or break it off in a way that would prove to you it was done. I would have her send an email right in front of you, just to be sure, then find out from her what she was getting from this guy that she wasn't getting from you.

Kyle

The other posts are correct.
'pick up artist' - psychological buttons to press to get a certain response out of someone.
Seducing a woman do this and this and this. Works almost every time.
I'm not saying this guy is a pick up artist but many people are just naturals. People are designed to mate and that's what happens.
'heat of the moment' kind of stuff.

Big thing is keep communicating. She obviously wouldn't have gone off to see this guy in secret(cheating or not) if she didn't feel she had some kind of connection that was lacking in her marriage.
You wouldn't have secretly gone looking through the phone bill unless you knew there was a connection lacking with your wife and you.
She obviously wants the marriage to work and it sounds like you do to or you wouldn't be here posting.
Communicate with each other. Ask the tough 'feely' questions. Ask the same questions 2 or 3 times because sometimes people just take a few tries to open up.
Just keep talking, find out what the problems in your marriage are and you'll probably be able to fix them. And you know what? you'll have a happier marriage and your jealousy won't be so bad because you know for sure! in the future it won't happen again!

DB in PA

I agree. You should have not lied to her. You should have printed out the facts and confronted her with them. Even if this is emotional and not anything more, it hurts...trust me on that. If there was nothing going to happen, then why hide it. If she would have been upfront from the first call, then it may have been ok. But..she lied, conceiled it from you and now you know. That can neveer go away. If this guy is local, then i would confront him as well with the facts and give him a assertive polite warning to go away, that you are onto his game. he will run once he knows that he is caught.

kate_spencer

I understand you're just protecting your wife and your relationship against this man who may possibly create a damage to your relationship.. and I like that.

But since it's over now, maybe it's now time for you to tell her how you found out about it.. just to be fair with her. And make her feel less guilty about it cause now she felt like she cannot be trusted anymore.

moogvo

Anyone noticed that this person has not come back around in quite some time?

I hope all is well.