General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Post by my significant other seems like a breach of trust
I am sorry if this sounds like a stupid question, but is it normal for users to post on the site (or others like it) without discussing it with their significant other? I just discovered (by accident) that my soon to be fiancé posted a VERY personal thread specifically about our sex life using a pseudonym that he has never used before (to my knowledge). It seems like a complete and utter betrayal of trust to think that someone you love is posting to a website like this, potentially obtaining advice and developing relationships with other members without at least discussing it with their partner first. For the record, his post was not about whether to leave the relationship or anything else remotely similar (in those types of situations I could understand why you wouldn't want to tell your partner - but I still would not agree that it is appropriate). If you are confiding in others about an important issue in your relationship instead of your partner - that seems counterproductive to me. I am feeling hurt, betrayed, and almost sick to my stomach over this. Am I overreacting? Should I confront him?
Re: Post by my significant other seems like a breach of trust
You are overreacting. He's come to this site to gain insight from others who have been through similar situations, to better his relationship with you. This isn't a dating sight, we don't trade pornography, we aren't looking to "hook up" with each other.
We are here for support.. which is what he is looking for.
My advice is to re-read his post... and help him in whatever way you can, without judging him.
Re: Post by my significant other seems like a breach of trust
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shocked Sig Other
I just discovered (by accident) that my soon to be fiancé posted a VERY personal thread specifically about our sex life using a pseudonym that he has never used before (to my knowledge).
Re: Post by my significant other seems like a breach of trust
People post here because it is anonymous, and it doesn't involve divulging intimate details of your issues to family and friends. We don't know who you are.
Some people share they use this site with their partners, some don't. It's a safe place people can come for support.
Re: Post by my significant other seems like a breach of trust
should a partner be sharing every concern with their loved one before seeking outside help?
most of the time
but there is no harm if it is done within proper boundaries-
consider-
1) it was done anonymously
2) it was not done with friends or even more importantly with a inappropriate venue like a friend of the opposite sex
3) some problems are too small to seek professional help but big enough that getting outside opinions and advice prior to addressing the problem may be beneficial
4) your partner is actively trying to improve your relationship instead of ignoring a problem and letting it grow
5) he may value the opinions of the opposite sex in this particular situation for better understanding and this is sort of venue to do it where appropriate boundaries are cherished
6) sometimes a partner needs to just vent without fear of retribution of their partner, it's a natural and healthy thing to do at times.
Re: Post by my significant other seems like a breach of trust
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shocked Sig Other
I am sorry if this sounds like a stupid question, but is it normal for users to post on the site (or others like it) without discussing it with their significant other? I just discovered (by accident) that my soon to be fiancé posted a VERY personal thread specifically about our sex life using a pseudonym that he has never used before (to my knowledge). It seems like a complete and utter betrayal of trust to think that someone you love is posting to a website like this, potentially obtaining advice and developing relationships with other members without at least discussing it with their partner first. For the record, his post was not about whether to leave the relationship or anything else remotely similar (in those types of situations I could understand why you wouldn't want to tell your partner - but I still would not agree that it is appropriate). If you are confiding in others about an important issue in your relationship instead of your partner - that seems counterproductive to me. I am feeling hurt, betrayed, and almost sick to my stomach over this. Am I overreacting? Should I confront him?
I might be totaly off base here if I am then disreguard.
my bet is he did try to comunicate and you blew it off as not important or had such a strong reaction to it that he he just took his lumps but is still bothered by it.
I will also say you are mad because he posted on here because you knew you were being unreasonable about it and now realise he isnt happy with you and your attitude.
so in reality maybe your really disapointed with yourself for being shelfish in your marriage.
Re: Post by my significant other seems like a breach of trust
In re-reading his post - he wasn't exactly asking for "advice". To be quite honest, I'm not sure what he was asking for. Confirmation that I am "normal" perhaps??? I have already been divorced one time and I think that it was in large part because my ex sought to work out issues with everyone BUT me - mainly other females which then resulted in emotional and then most likely physical affairs. As a result, I am very sensitive to this and my partner knows that going outside of the relationship to solve problems is a BIG trigger for me. I think this is why I am so shocked that he would do this. I could see posting somewhere like this AFTER he had tried to talk to me about it and he needed some outside perspective but to post something the very morning after the "incident" occurred before he had even talked to me about it is very frightening and is making me re-think getting engaged to this man.
Re: Post by my significant other seems like a breach of trust
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shocked Sig Other
In re-reading his post - he wasn't exactly asking for "advice". To be quite honest, I'm not sure what he was asking for. Confirmation that I am "normal" perhaps??? I have already been divorced one time and I think that it was in large part because my ex sought to work out issues with everyone BUT me - mainly other females which then resulted in emotional and then most likely physical affairs. As a result, I am very sensitive to this and my partner knows that going outside of the relationship to solve problems is a BIG trigger for me. I think this is why I am so shocked that he would do this. I could see posting somewhere like this AFTER he had tried to talk to me about it and he needed some outside perspective but to post something the very morning after the "incident" occurred before he had even talked to me about it is very frightening and is making me re-think getting engaged to this man.
If you really have a problem with it, I suggest you calmly speak to you H about it and tell him how hurt you are that he posted your personal sexual issues on the internet and request that he not do it again... and try to find out why he felt like he needed to come to a support forum for advice rather than talking to you about it...
I don't think "confront" is the right term because that implies that what he did was wrong. "Communicate" is a better term... communicate to him that you are hurt and shocked and ask that he communicate with you about the issue rather than seeking advice from others.
Re: Post by my significant other seems like a breach of trust
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shocked Sig Other
In re-reading his post - he wasn't exactly asking for "advice". To be quite honest, I'm not sure what he was asking for. Confirmation that I am "normal" perhaps??? I have already been divorced one time and I think that it was in large part because my ex sought to work out issues with everyone BUT me - mainly other females which then resulted in emotional and then most likely physical affairs. As a result, I am very sensitive to this and my partner knows that going outside of the relationship to solve problems is a BIG trigger for me. I think this is why I am so shocked that he would do this. I could see posting somewhere like this AFTER he had tried to talk to me about it and he needed some outside perspective but to post something the very morning after the "incident" occurred before he had even talked to me about it is very frightening and is making me re-think getting engaged to this man.
sounds like he tried (the incident) and got a poor responce from you so was looking for opinions for people who been through similar situations.
also sounds like your really not ready for marriage again.
you don't want him seeking outside advice because it will upset the apple cart. and then you woun't be abl to manipulate him as easy.
again I don't know what your incident was so I'm going off the cuff so to speak .
Re: Post by my significant other seems like a breach of trust
I don't see posting on here as a betrayal to a spouse. To a dating website or signing up for chat sites, yes. But here, people come to look for advice usually to clarify and better their relationships. Maybe because as you said he's not allowed to talk to anyone about your issues, he came here.
Re: Post by my significant other seems like a breach of trust
Quote:
Originally Posted by chillymorn
sounds like he tried (the incident) and got a poor responce from you so was looking for opinions for people who been through similar situations.
also sounds like your really not ready for marriage again.
you don't want him seeking outside advice because it will upset the apple cart. and then you woun't be abl to manipulate him as easy.
again I don't know what your incident was so I'm going off the cuff so to speak .
That is ABSOLUTELY NOT THE CASE. I attempted (very calmly) to talk to him at the time happened, but he flatly refused. The next day (AFTER posting here) he apologized for refusing to talk to me at the time and admitted that he thought I handled it perfectly well. My issue is that his FIRST response was to go running to outsiders rather than sit down and discuss the issue with me.
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Post by my significant other seems like a breach of trust 
Re: Post by my significant other seems like a breach of trust 
