Problems with boundary crossing female

First Time Wife · 03-15-2012, 11:38 AM

I do not know what to do or if I am overreacting, but I have had problems with my sister in law and her sister. Her sister was coming over to my house when my husband is home and I am not. She is also texting him often ans at inappropriate times. She is currently separated from her husband for going outside of their marriage. I have expressed my concerns to both her and my husband about boundaries but now I am the bad guy. Both my sister in law and her sister are constantly trying to cause problems and ultimately I just feel frustrated my husband will not stand up for me. Please tell me if I am overreacting or what I could possibly do to avoid a fight but feel better about this.

EleGirl · 03-15-2012, 11:50 AM

No you are not over reacting. Your husband should respect your concerns and end all contact with this woman. If he does not, you are right to be concerned.

Do not talk to this women about it anymore. Your problem is with your husband.

Have you seen the texts that are being sent between them? IF not check his cell.

You might want to get some VARs (voice activated recorders) and put them in your house in places that they might hang out when you are not there.

Also check your husband's cell bill to see how many texts and phone calls are going between the two of them.

Don't say anything more to your husband until you have done this and know the real extent to what is going on.

First Time Wife · 03-15-2012, 12:01 PM

Wow, you mean business. The problem is that she lives with her sister and my husbands brother who happen to live a block away from us. I can't tell him not to go over there because it's his brother's house. We have only been married for two months and we have a 7 month old together plus his 16 month old son I have taken care of since he was two days old. We have never had trust problems and I have never seen any red flags. I think having an emotional relationship is just as bad. I have tried to check our phone bill but it doesn't show text messages. I have also checked his phone and there aren't any but that doesn't mean they weren't erased. These two women are down right disrespectful to me right infront of my H and he doesn't even say anything. Normally I would say later and have a nice life but I know it is tmie to grow up unfortunately my H doesn't. When I tried to talk to him about this he says things like "is this how our night is going to be?" How long are we going to spend talking about this? then he gets mad, yells, then when I cry he apologizes and says he doesn't want me to hurt and he only wants me. I cannot take the emotional roller coaster.

Almostrecovered · 03-15-2012, 12:04 PM

his reaction to your concerns is very telling

I'd be worried myself

what kind of phone does he have, sometimes you can do text extraction of deleted texts

Chelle D · 03-15-2012, 12:11 PM

be frank & honest with him.
His brother can deal with her misery if the brother wants to. Not your hubby.
j

EleGirl · 03-15-2012, 12:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by First Time Wife

Wow, you mean business.

Yep I do mean business. Either you take this seriously and you handle it like something serious or you have to let it go and let this woman and your husband continue to disrespect you.
How old are you and your husband?

Quote:

Originally Posted by First Time Wife

The problem is that she lives with her sister and my husband’s brother who happen to live a block away from us. I can't tell him not to go over there because it's his brother's house.

Right now you cannot tell your husband to not go to his brother’s house because this woman is living there. But if you find out something is going on then you sure can tell that either he ends all contact with her or he move out. If that means not going to his brother’s house so bit it. At that point your husband will have to decide if he is going to make your and your marriage his priority or if he is going to chase other women.

You need to set your boundaries and stand by them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by First Time Wife

We have only been married for two months and we have a 7 month old together plus his 16 month old son I have taken care of since he was two days old. We have never had trust problems and I have never seen any red flags. I think having an emotional relationship is just as bad. I have tried to check our phone bill but it doesn't show text messages. I have also checked his phone and there aren't any but that doesn't mean they weren't erased. These two women are down right disrespectful to me right infront of my H and he doesn't even say anything. Normally I would say later and have a nice life but I know it is tmie to grow up unfortunately my H doesn't. When I tried to talk to him about this he says things like "is this how our night is going to be?" How long are we going to spend talking about this? then he gets mad, yells, then when I cry he apologizes and says he doesn't want me to hurt and he only wants me. I cannot take the emotional roller coaster.

Well growing up does not mean that you have to put up with being disrespected by anyone… least of all your husband.
The fact that your husband is down playing what he is doing is why I am suggesting that you not talk to him about this for a bit and you just gather evidence. You might find out that there is nothing going on. Or you might find something that you can use to help you put your foot down.

Does your husband work to support you and the baby?

First Time Wife · 03-15-2012, 12:33 PM

We are both 26 I just graduated college and I work two jobs. He is going to school, which I end up doing most of the work for. He works in construction on piece pay so he is home at noon if he works. So I have no idea if he is going over there durring the day. I am the bread winner and he has made comments about him not being good enough for me. I have explained to him over and over again that he is good enough for me. Things have definately changed since we had this talk, now he does not really show me affection, he won't cuddle with me.

First Time Wife · 03-15-2012, 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Almostrecovered

his reaction to your concerns is very telling

I'd be worried myself

what kind of phone does he have, sometimes you can do text extraction of deleted texts

He has an android with cricket

Almostrecovered · 03-15-2012, 12:48 PM

I'm not an expert on Android but I do know some phones you can extract the texts

google the phone model name with "retrieve deleted texts"

Entropy3000 · 03-15-2012, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by First Time Wife

I do not know what to do or if I am overreacting, but I have had problems with my sister in law and her sister. Her sister was coming over to my house when my husband is home and I am not. She is also texting him often ans at inappropriate times. She is currently separated from her husband for going outside of their marriage. I have expressed my concerns to both her and my husband about boundaries but now I am the bad guy. Both my sister in law and her sister are constantly trying to cause problems and ultimately I just feel frustrated my husband will not stand up for me. Please tell me if I am overreacting or what I could possibly do to avoid a fight but feel better about this.

Your SIL sister has no reason to be coming to your house when you husband is home alone.

Why is he letting her in and stay.

Why is she texting him at all?

I do not see why this would be appropriate without further information.

You guys should do His Needs Her Needs and the boundary setting if you have not as yet.

That said, you need to tell your husband this is not acceptable to you and he needs to cut out all contact with her.

EleGirl · 03-15-2012, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by First Time Wife

We are both 26 I just graduated college and I work two jobs. He is going to school, which I end up doing most of the work for. He works in construction on piece pay so he is home at noon if he works. So I have no idea if he is going over there durring the day. I am the bread winner and he has made comments about him not being good enough for me. I have explained to him over and over again that he is good enough for me. Things have definately changed since we had this talk, now he does not really show me affection, he won't cuddle with me.

All of his behavior is pointing to a problem. You need to find out what is really going on. He will not tell you if something wrong is going on. This is all typical cheating spouse behavior.

Entropy3000 · 03-15-2012, 01:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by First Time Wife

Wow, you mean business. The problem is that she lives with her sister and my husbands brother who happen to live a block away from us. I can't tell him not to go over there because it's his brother's house. We have only been married for two months and we have a 7 month old together plus his 16 month old son I have taken care of since he was two days old. We have never had trust problems and I have never seen any red flags. I think having an emotional relationship is just as bad. I have tried to check our phone bill but it doesn't show text messages. I have also checked his phone and there aren't any but that doesn't mean they weren't erased. These two women are down right disrespectful to me right infront of my H and he doesn't even say anything. Normally I would say later and have a nice life but I know it is tmie to grow up unfortunately my H doesn't. When I tried to talk to him about this he says things like "is this how our night is going to be?" How long are we going to spend talking about this? then he gets mad, yells, then when I cry he apologizes and says he doesn't want me to hurt and he only wants me. I cannot take the emotional roller coaster.

He should have no contact with her outside of when he visits your brother and he is home. He should never be alone with her and they have no need to text each other.

He has a 16 month old from another rleationship and a seven month old with you. Wow. There is a story there for sure.

First Time Wife · 03-15-2012, 01:18 PM

Yes his ex is not in the picture and his son calls me mom so yes there is a story and he has acknowleged this is unacceptable which I honestly do not think he is promoting conversation with her anymore but we fought all last week over this and he will not tell me what is wrong or what we need to fix. He claims he is bad with communication and hates conflict. I have my degree in psychology so this is difficult for me to process. I have been cheated on numerous times in the past and he does not understand those are wounds that may heal but a red flag is still alarming to me. I wrote him a letter containing three lists: what I love about him, what I think I could change about myself to help the relationship and what I would like to see change in our relationship. He has read it but will not talk about it. It is so frustrating to be with someone who refuses to talk.

First Time Wife · 03-15-2012, 01:20 PM

I think this girl and her sister think this is a game or something because when we went over there last night to give them some carpet and paint they both came outside and just glared at me and then started wispering. I mean come on how old are we? I said hello but realistically I wanted to tell them what I really thought of their behavior. Being the bigger person is no fun at all. Not to metion my H does not acknowledge their rudness. He says to ignore them.

First Time Wife · 03-15-2012, 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Entropy3000

Your SIL sister has no reason to be coming to your house when you husband is home alone.

Why is he letting her in and stay.

Why is she texting him at all?

I do not see why this would be appropriate without further information.

You guys should do His Needs Her Needs and the boundary setting if you have not as yet.

That said, you need to tell your husband this is not acceptable to you and he needs to cut out all contact with her.

He thinks he is just being nice and I don't know if he is just blind and doesn't see this as inappropriate but her response is that they have alot in common and have fun together.