General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My wife and I do have those established boundaries you mention. We have had discussions throughout our relationship about what is acceptable behavior around members of the opposite sex. And i have seen her defend those boundaries aggressively when someone threatens to cross them. I have also gotten unsolicited info from common acquaintances about her basically publicly humiliating guys who try. And it is for that reason that i think it is unnecessary to start getting defensive or acting suspicious now.
As for the kissing other guys thing, or sharing hotel rooms... That is just odd. I said that i don't tell my wife what she can or can't do. I didn't say that included tolerating outright disrespect. I give her the freedom to live her life how she wants, but that doesn't automatically mean that i am willing to have her walk all over me.
And she has already said to me that she knows that the singing thing can't turn into an every weekend type of event because my job schedule requires that i work every other weekend. And when I am doing my stint on night shift, it's straight up impossible. This is coming from her, mind you...Not me. But we both agree that there is no reason why she cannot enjoy this possible opportunity just because it probably would have to be done within the confines of what works for us and our family life. Posted via Mobile Device
Until she gets LSD (LOL)......................Lead singer disease
Until she gets LSD (LOL)......................Lead singer disease
As a drummer and former band member, I know EXACTLY what you mean.
And in response to an earlier post, we do in fact have access to all of each other's online accounts, email, Facebook, etc, so I also feel reasonably comfortable that the computer is not being used as a resource for anything questionable.
As for the kissing other guys thing, or sharing hotel rooms... That is just odd. I said that i don't tell my wife what she can or can't do. I didn't say that included tolerating outright disrespect. I give her the freedom to live her life how she wants, but that doesn't automatically mean that i am willing to have her walk all over me.
It was not odd. I was just smoking you out and getting you to admit the truth. Contratry to your earlier statement that “I have never been, and will never be one to tell her what she can and cannot do”, the truth is not “tolerating outright disrespect” is you telling her what she cannot do.
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Originally Posted by MightyMoose
And she has already said to me that she knows that the singing thing can't turn into an every weekend type of event because my job schedule requires that i work every other weekend.
So are you saying that instead of spending the every other weekend nights that you do not work with you, she will be spending them with her band friends as you stay home watching the children? I do not think that you dating and seeing your wife less is the best way for her to get her feeling back for you.
--You don't wanna listen to info., that can help you that is also fine
What I came here for was info. What you offered started out as constructive in your first post in this thread, and quickly devolved into a judgmental dose of borderline name-calling in your second post (your response to Mavash). You declared that my wife's problem was simply rooted in my selfishness and unwillingness to do anything to help fix the situation, when my very presence at this forum indicates that I am seeking insight and do in fact give a damn about my marriage. I took exception to that, and I feel justified in that.
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----your diatribe about bitterness is not even worth a response
If you don't have some level of bitterness in your heart about this particular subject matter, then I find myself unable to understand where your attack against me came from. You accused me of basically being a thoughtless, selfish jerk, which is not true...and I accused you of being bitter, which you claim is not true. I consider it even, with the only difference being that you threw the first punch.
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---what is worth a response is your attitude about how you are doing everything so well in your mge., and that any suggestions are beneath you----YET HERE YOU ARE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY YOUR WIFE HAS /IS SHUTTING DOWN ON YOUR MGE.-----
When I mention the things that are going well in my marriage, these are not things that I have simply convinced myself of. These are things that my wife and I agree on. Contrary to what I think is the common opinion on my marriage thus far, my wife and I actually have a VERY open dialogue, and talk about everything honestly and with respect for one another's feelings. That doesnt necessarily mean that we are always able to come to common ground and/or thoroughly understand one another. It also doesnt mean that sometimes (especially in recent months) that the discussion doesnt become frustrating occasionally and we forget how to communicate effectively. And while I have had difficulty understanding why she has been unhappy lately, there has been continual dialogue about it. Only now am I starting to see things a bit differently, and I take ownership of the fact that I haven't been able to until now.
you've spent 9 years on a website for an 82 game season, and you wonder why your wife may not be happy? Wow, you are really out of touch. Every moment you spent on that all those years was time NOT spent on things she might have thought were important or meaningful. And that was a LOT of time. No wonder she's unhappy.
It was not odd. I was just smoking you out and getting you to admit the truth. Contratry to your earlier statement that “I have never been, and will never be one to tell her what she can and cannot do”, the truth is not “tolerating outright disrespect” is you telling her what she cannot do.
If you are looking at it from a completely absolutist point of view with no nuance whatsoever, yes...you are correct. But I am absolutist about nothing. That would explain our difference of opinion on this.
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So are you saying that instead of spending the every other weekend nights that you do not work with you, she will be spending them with her band friends as you stay home watching the children? I do not think that you dating and seeing your wife less is the best way for her to get her feeling back for you.
Because of my work schedule, Saturdays might as well be Tuesdays. Allow me to explain by telling you how my schedule works in brief...
Monday, Thursday, & Friday - Work
Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday, & Sunday - Off
The following week, on and off days switch.
12 hrs, 6-6 (alternating day & night shifts every 4 weeks)
...So, unlike most people, I get a lot of weekdays and weeknights off. With my wife working part time, we often end up at the house together and alone because my daughter is in school and my son is in daycare (Tues. - Thurs.). That opens up lots of opportunities for us to take off for a day together, or even an evening in the middle of the week as long as we can get a sitter. It is a luxury in my line of work that not all of my time outside of work falls on the weekend. Making extra time for us should not be a problem, provided I make the effort necessary. If that were not the case, then yes... I would expect that taking that additional time away from us on precious weekends could be a problem. If you recall, one of the major issues I expressed my concern over was the fact that for the last 6 years, my wife has had practically nothing in her life besides me and the kids. She not only needs more of me, but also needs more for herself.
you've spent 9 years on a website for an 82 game season, and you wonder why your wife may not be happy? Wow, you are really out of touch. Every moment you spent on that all those years was time NOT spent on things she might have thought were important or meaningful. And that was a LOT of time. No wonder she's unhappy.
Thank you for that insightful commentary.
I USED to spend that time on that website. I dont anymore. And what little time I spend there now has to do with simply posting as a member (its a forum much like this one) and very infrequently advising the current webmaster who has been running things for nearly a year. As I mentioned in a prior post, I voluntarily stopped managing that site BECAUSE I saw it as an obstacle in my family life. My wife didn't have to tell me that. What I found strange was that even after I gave up my duties on the website, her feelings seem to worsen. There was clearly more to it than I realized.
And am I really supposed to feel guilty for being a hockey fan? For having something for myself that I enjoy outside of my work and home life? Am I really to be expected to focus every minute of my free time on making her happy? To me, that is the definition of suffocating someone. It is possible to overdo it...to make someone sick and tired of being pined over. My wife is VERY independent on a lot of levels, and I can guarantee you that if I were clamoring for her attention constantly, she would tell me to back the hell off. Now... that doesnt mean that I am justifying my neglect in meeting her needs in the relationship with a fear of overdoing it. There is PLENTY of middle ground to be had. And that is what I'm looking for.
BTW... if I seem to be a bit snippy or short with certain posters, its only because I am a bit taken aback with the amount of judgmental input from some people. OTOH, there have been very helpful posters who have offered good, sound advice and opinions without assuming that im a clueless idiot of a husband. Hicks, southbound, Halien, Mrs. T, Almostrecovered, Enchantment, SunnyT, Mavash, TRy, EleGirl, chapparal, Sunshiney Days... thank you all for being supportive and giving me the benefit of the doubt, even if we have disagreed. You have all provided exactly the kind of constructive discussion and criticism I hoped to find here when I first posted.
also you must know you would not leave the mge. with nothing---you will get half of everything, plus alimony, and child support----that info. alone should wake your H. up enuff to wanna keep you happy and make the mge. work
So, she should threaten her husband with the prospect of taking half of everything they collectively own, along with the kids and money to support them AND her? Am I reading this correctly? And that is supposed to wise him up and make him want to make her happy?
Sound relationship advice...to repair a damaged marriage with threats and ultimatums. Brilliant. You continue to amaze me.
I am DVR'ing the games and watching them at more convenient times when it isnt taking time away from my family. My kids are in bed by 9pm, and my wife is almost always quick to follow. Not from boredom, but because she has been an "early to bed, early to rise" type her entire life. So I often wait until everyone is off to bed and then watch the recorded game, which by the way isnt easy to do since I have to wake up at 4am for work when Im working days. So I am making the sacrifice for my hobby now...not my family.
MM, just catching up on your thread and after reading this I skimmed the rest so I could reply...
my advice: GO TO BED WITH YOUR WIFE EVERY NIGHT!!!
the reason for my advice: I know firsthand that not sharing the bed unglues the bond a H and W have, having that time together, being the last person each one sees before falling asleep and the first when waking is probably the most valuable investment in intimacy you have together.
Occasionally the question comes up on this board, "what would you do differently if you had a time machine?" and now after thinking about this its definitely what I would go back and change if I could, instead of making excuses (snoring, medical problems, staying up late to pursue my own personal interests) I would have chosen to bond with her, help meet my needs for "physical touch", who knows it maybe would have meant more sex (which was the biggest reason she said she left, and its not like I wasn't horny just absent from the bed, no matter what strong sounding reason I may have had).
Hey Moose---do I really amaze you-----good for you, be amazed!!!!!
What amazes me is how you pulled my giving sunshiney info., as to what she would get in a divorce proceeding, as telling her/advising her to use that as threats in a divorce proceeding.---If you go back and read her last couple of lines, from her 1st post---she said she was a SAHM, and in no way could she make it, by herself, as she had no finances of her own----I simply told her in a D., proceeding what she would get----try reading her post again, if you need clarification., to understand what was actually said.
We give information here, you do what you want with it---If you don't like it, you ignore it----but you, moose---If someone says something you don't like, you like to throw out your little nasty comments-----you can comment all you like, but the more you throw out your nastyness----the more I kind of get an inkling, as to why your wife is shutting down on you
MM, just catching up on your thread and after reading this I skimmed the rest so I could reply...
my advice: GO TO BED WITH YOUR WIFE EVERY NIGHT!!!
the reason for my advice: I know firsthand that not sharing the bed unglues the bond a H and W have, having that time together, being the last person each one sees before falling asleep and the first when waking is probably the most valuable investment in intimacy you have together.
Occasionally the question comes up on this board, "what would you do differently if you had a time machine?" and now after thinking about this its definitely what I would go back and change if I could, instead of making excuses (snoring, medical problems, staying up late to pursue my own personal interests) I would have chosen to bond with her, help meet my needs for "physical touch", who knows it maybe would have meant more sex (which was the biggest reason she said she left, and its not like I wasn't horny just absent from the bed, no matter what strong sounding reason I may have had).
Good point, Lon... and thank you. This had become a point of discussion lately between my wife and I, and was actually brought up by me. It is especially important considering the fact that I work night shift for 4 weeks at a time. When I am on night shift, I make it a point (and always have) to reverse my sleeping habits on my days off. That allows me to participate normally in my family schedule and sleep next to my wife at night. It wouldnt be possible to head to bed together every night simply because of logistics, but the nights of us falling asleep on the couch without each other because we just "got comfortable" are over.
Hey Moose---do I really amaze you-----good for you, be amazed!!!!!
What amazes me is how you pulled my giving sunshiney info., as to what she would get in a divorce proceeding, as telling her/advising her to use that as threats in a divorce proceeding.---If you go back and read her last couple of lines, from her 1st post---she said she was a SAHM, and in no way could she make it, by herself, as she had no finances of her own----I simply told her in a D., proceeding what she would get----try reading her post again, if you need clarification., to understand what was actually said.
We give information here, you do what you want with it---If you don't like it, you ignore it----but you, moose---If someone says something you don't like, you like to throw out your little nasty comments-----you can comment all you like, but the more you throw out your nastyness----the more I kind of get an inkling, as to why your wife is shutting down on you
First off... my wife is not shutting down on me. In fact, we are actively talking about this more since I posted this thread, and A LOT of good is coming out of it. I won't get into all of it right now, because I have to head out for work in a few moments. But it shows how much you seem to think you know about my relationship based on your generalizations and assumptions, and how little you truly know.
Second... you need to go back and read your comment to sunshiney again.
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you will get half of everything, plus alimony, and child support----that info. alone should wake your H. up enuff to wanna keep you happy and make the mge. work
it is one thing to reassure this SAHM that she would have financial options if divorce was her only viable route and that she would not really have to go it alone. It is another entirely to suggest to her that using these options as leverage against her husband to get what she wants is another, and that's exactly what you did. Now, based on sunshiney's posts, I wouldn't expect that she would be inclined to use such an approach. The most likely outcome of this would be that he would become even more withdrawn after feeling threatened with what he will perceive as not only the dissolution of his marriage but future financial ruin as well.
Im not parsing your comments jnj. You posted them. I am simply making observations.
it is one thing to reassure this SAHM that she would have financial options if divorce was her only viable route and that she would not really have to go it alone. It is another entirely to suggest to her that using these options as leverage against her husband to get what she wants is another, and that's exactly what you did. Now, based on sunshiney's posts, I wouldn't expect that she would be inclined to use such an approach. The most likely outcome of this would be that he would become even more withdrawn after feeling threatened with what he will perceive as not only the dissolution of his marriage but future financial ruin as well.
Im not parsing your comments jnj. You posted them. I am simply making observations.
I just pray that infidelity isn't what's happened in your case because what JNJ says is exactly what needs to happen in order to have any shot at stopping an affair. Now you may view that sort of advice as manipulative and I agree that using an empty threat of divorce is very dangerous. But clearly stating to your spouse that while you cannot control them you can inform them what would happen if they continue to act a certain way (like continuing an affair or being abusive or neglectful) it would mean divorce.
Now I'm not saying to spout out frivolous threats like, "You didn't take the garbage out, if you do that again, I'll file!" But in drastic cases where its obvious that particular behavior is very damaging to a marriage, it is not out of bounds to state what will happen if it continues and the problem isn't addressed.
I just pray that infidelity isn't what's happened in your case because what JNJ says is exactly what needs to happen in order to have any shot at stopping an affair. Now you may view that sort of advice as manipulative and I agree that using an empty threat of divorce is very dangerous. But clearly stating to your spouse that while you cannot control them you can inform them what would happen if they continue to act a certain way (like continuing an affair or being abusive or neglectful) it would mean divorce.
Now I'm not saying to spout out frivolous threats like, "You didn't take the garbage out, if you do that again, I'll file!" But in drastic cases where its obvious that particular behavior is very damaging to a marriage, it is not out of bounds to state what will happen if it continues and the problem isn't addressed.
Absolutely agree. It has been a clear message to and from both my wife and i that an affair is a deal breaker. That was clarified long before we ever took our vows. While i have said on multiple occasions in this thread that both of us are free to live our lives, it is also understood that if either of us has an affair, that person is "free" to pick their stuff up off the porch at their convenience.
And it's not as though it is a line drawn in the sand years ago and it may have faded over time. Three idea has been reinforced pretty much every time we have spoken about it happening to some other couple. Not in a confrontational way, but as a resolute, common understanding. Posted via Mobile Device
You are right about me having it made. There's no doubt in my mind.
And you are probably right about her not feeling as fulfilled as me. But she has expressed her dissatisfaction with her job recently as well. She is upset by the fact that she is working in a convenience store part time, when she always had higher expectations for herself. Posted via Mobile Device
What if you told her to quit this job that she is unhappy at? It seems to be a source of her not being happy. Then maybe she can pursue something she really wants to do. Maybe she's just feeling down on herself and it's refecting in your marriage and how she feels about you.
11Likes
Re: She's unhappy, and I'm puzzled 
As a drummer and former band member, I know EXACTLY what you mean.
