MightyMoose

Hi southern wife.

About 2 weeks ago, we talked quite a bit about that. It basically would come down to financials. She says she wants to leave this job, but is not yet ready to take the leap. We are now working on a way to reduce our expenses even further so the prospect of her quitting her job and pursuing something more satisfying is closer to reality.

It's not a though we couldn't make ends met without her job. We could, but it would be far harder to save and cover unexpected large bills...such as a major car repair. It would also mean that i would probably end up working more OT, which i know for a fact bothers her a lot.
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jnj express

In my last dying breath here on this thread, I never at any point suggested she tell him anything----read again----the statement was---"that info alone"---where did I tell her to use it---he would get that info from an atty, from the internet, from D codes---from friends---from anyone----stop making your wild assumptions

southern wife

So if you can manage to make ends meet, why not tell her to go ahead and pull the plug on that job that she is not happy at. That way she can put her time into finding something that will make her happy. If you have to work some OT to make up the difference, you both have to realize that this solution is only temporary and let her know that you'lll do what it takes for her to be happy. Apparently, she's not happy at her job, yet also not happy with your OT, but something has to give.....

MightyMoose

Well, making ends meet and being able to get other necessary expenses taken care of are different in my mind. For instance, we would have no trouble paying bills, but a new oil furnace is a must this summer...and almost certainly wouldnt happen without the extra income.

In any case, I have told her that when she is ready to leave that job, I am ok with it. And not in a "if you must, then i'll deal with it" kind of way. She has thanked me a couple of times since that discussion for letting her know that I would be ok with her quitting, and that it gives her some piece of mind. I imagine it would since it gives her the guilt-free option to get out of there if things really get too bad to handle. Her feeling right now is that she would be unhappier with me away from home more than if she were to continue working. The luxury she has now is that she gets scheduled often for 4-5 hour shifts, and still has a good portion of her day either for us to spend together or to get other stuff done. That wouldnt be so easy if i were to work OT to cover the loss, since I have to work at least an 8 hour shift. Shortly thereafter, kids are home and attention shifts.

MightyMoose

I'm not the one who was making wild assumptions in this thread.

As for the "that info alone" statement...I'm sure you know of what your original intentions were. However, you were more than unclear when trying to get it across on this forum. The way you framed your statement made it easy to mistake your meaning. And I will admit that my defensiveness after being attacked likely had something to do with my interpretation of it. I also know, from personally running a forum for a number of years, that it is VERY easy to be misunderstood when putting your thoughts across in written word. As a result, I'm personally very careful and deliberate when I post anything in a forum, write an email, or the like.

But my point is that I'm sure her husband is perfectly aware of what could be the ultimate financial outcome. I'm sure he has plenty of coworkers and/or friends who have their own stories (true or untrue) of how they've been "taken to the cleaners" by an ex. But those stories havent changed the way he has approached his marriage or made him take her concerns more seriously. Unfortunately, if the prospect of being divorced and having to financially support his ex-wife and children while being on the outside looking in hasn't changed his outlook, that angle will never work with him. sunshiney's best chance to get through to him is to try to appeal to his sensibilities.

With that said, I am also done with that subject. I've spent enough energy on it.

MightyMoose

So, here is a bit of an update. I actually wanted to post this yesterday, but had no opportunity.

First of all, I want to again thank those of you who have been so much help. I want you to know that I appreciate what this forum offers...the kind of open discussion and advice I was in need of.

The wife and I spoke quite a bit more about all of this, and it seems like we have made some progress.

We had had plans for a couple of months to go to a friend's house for a big St. Patty's Day party on Saturday night. She had mentioned before that she would like me to take a vacation day for the following day. Unfortunately, the hangup came with the fact that the party was being held on a weekend I was scheduled to work (Sat, Sun, Mon.). Since I've only been at this job for a year and a half, I have very few vacation days and always prefer to try to get the most time off with them that I can. For instance, if I plan it right, I can get 7 days off by using just 2 vacation days, or 11 off with 4. So I was having a tough time reconciling the idea of taking a day off (Sunday) right in the middle of that weekend. My plan was to go to the party, and go in 2 hours late the next morning so we wouldnt have to leave the party early.

She was still upset though, mainly because the day after the party was as important to her (if not more so) than the evening of the party. I clearly failed to see this point, until I started talking about the situation here.

So I took a number of the suggestions here to heart. As we were getting ready for the party, I took her aside and told her that I was blowing off work for the next day, and that I was looking forward to spending Sunday morning with her instead. She asked me about the money we were going to lose, and I told here that if it matters that much to us, then I will make it up with a day of OT.

My next move was to apologize for not understanding or hearing her concerns, and for not making more of my time available for her. I said that I never intended to put her on the back burner, but that that was what I had done and I know it. She broke down and cried, and you could see the relief in her eyes. Then she jokingly cursed me for making her cry right after she had done her eye makeup.

We had a blast at the party, came home, and passionately made love both that night and the next morning. Fortunately, our passion in the bedroom had never waned, but the frequency had suffered. Breakfast was next, followed by a little perusing around the local car lots (we're looking to buy). After the kids went to bed, it was downstairs to the TV room for a movie and some more time together.

So this was clearly what she had been looking for. She even said on Sunday that she knew that nothing changes overnight, but that she feels so much better already. Like she did just a few years ago. She said she was so torn over the situation because she knows that I've never had a bad intention in my heart, but she couldnt deny what she felt. She only hoped that I would somehow come to understand her feelings. And to see her face as she said that made me melt. The fact is that even as i've been guilty of not attending to her emotional needs, I've always adored her. Always. And I've only ever wanted her to be happy with me and our life together. Now the onus is on me to not forget how to attend to her needs or how to listen when she's telling me what she needs.

I also asked one thing of her. And that was for her to really concentrate on what she wants to do for herself. Whether its quitting her job and eventually going back to school for a new career, or if its music, or anything else. I reiterated how important I felt it was that she work toward having something gratifying in her life besides me and the kids. She is a terribly smart and talented woman who has just had a hard time finding her niche. The piano I bought for her seems to have really done her good, as she is regularly learning new songs and regaining her "feel" for the keys, as she puts it. Maybe that's it...maybe not. But I'll let her decide that. But whatever it turns out to be, I will support her every step of the way.