General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hello everyone. First time poster here. My wife and I have been together as a couple for 13 years and married for almost 10. We have two great kids...a 6 year old girl and a 3 year old boy.
I'm sure this has been said before, but I actually feel strange posting here about my marriage and the difficulties we are having. I never really felt that things between my wife and I were bad at all, let alone bad enough to warrant seeking any kind of outside help. But I am now at the point that I can no longer fathom what my wife is perceiving in this respect.
Over the course of the last few months, my wife has mentioned to me a couple of times that she feels that we are completely out of touch with one another. She feels, and I do admit, that we seem to get wound up more than we should and bicker about smaller things. She also believes that we are unable to relate to each other well on a personal level. Her feelings about this are so strong that she has been crying most of the last 24 hours because of it.
We have always been the best of friends, and when we aren't disagreeing about something, we talk and laugh with one another. Throughout our relationship, I have always been affectionate with her, as is my nature (a kiss on her neck while she's doing the dishes, stopping in the hallway for no other reason than to kiss her, etc.). The truth is that I adore her, and I am not shy about being affectionate, but I also am mindful to not overdo it. She is almost as affectionate with me on her own. We never get off the phone or leave the house without an "I love you", and I can count on one hand how many times we've been so angry that we had to literally get away from each other. And although our sex life is strained by having 2 small kids, separate jobs, regular colds and sniffles, when we are together, it really is great. Her involvement, libido, and enjoyment of our intimate time is actually better since she hit her 30's than it ever was. However, she says that the recent lack of closeness she feels is effecting her willingness to approach me for sex. I can understand that.
The distance between us seems far greater to her than it does to me. I kind of see it as an unfortunate, but typical symptom of a marriage that is stressed by kids and work. She has agreed that that plays a part. Not that it isnt worth working on, but to me, acknowledging that is half the battle. But there is obviously more to it from her side.
There has been some bickering, especially of late. The subject matter, however, is usually nothing major. We dont fight about how to handle our kids (in fact, we are firmly on the same page there), and we rarely argue about money. Even in our most heated arguments, neither of us has ever resorted to namecalling, bringing up hurtful subjects as ammo, being vindictive, or violence of any sort. What we do argue about is usually rather benign, however I admit that her perception of things is very likely different. I guess I feel as though if it isnt the big things, then they should be quite easy to solve and/or not as impactful on how we view the overall health of our relationship.
I've never suspected, or been given any kind of reason to suspect that she has ever cheated. Her fidelity is probably the last thing I worry about. Neither of us have ever been unfaithful in this relationship or any prior.
I make it a point in being as much help as I can around the house, including the tasks involving the kids (baths, stories, diapers, etc.), despite the fact that I am working between 44-56 hours a week...sometimes more. Sometimes I could certainly do more, but frankly when Im working 12 hour shifts and switching between day and night shifts every 4 weeks, and she is sometimes working 15-20 hours a week, i dont feel its unreasonable that she is doing more than me around the house. I know that my wife handles the lion's share of household duties and keeps my kids' appointments and schedules in order. But this is the arrangement we both agreed upon when we decided to have kids. One of the main concerns I expressed to her when she agreed to quit her job and be a full-time mom is that she have something in her life... be it a hobby or a part-time job... that makes her happy and she can call her own. I didn't care what it was, and it didn't even have to be profitable. My wife is an extremely intelligent woman who has so much to offer if she were just to find something she is passionate about. She is also a pianist, and I recently got her a decent used console model piano, thinking that that might be the ticket. Besides, she always wanted to have her own full-size piano, but never could afford it. She was always stuck with mediocre keyboards that never satisfied her creativity. She seems to be thrilled with the piano now though, and is getting plenty of use out of it. Hopefully over the long term, that will help.
She just seems to be in a rut, but this also seems to happen every year around this time. The last 3 or 4 times it has been somewhat centered around a hockey fan website that I created and used to manage. It was very demanding as there was a sizable base of regulars, most of whom I considered good friends, and I used to enjoy being online with my friends during games. Obviously, it was rather difficult to stay involved in the goings-on at the house late at night as well as watch a hockey game. Her feeling was that she felt like she and the kids were finishing 2nd, and that the site was most important.
Last summer, I handed over control of the website, although I do remain involved on an advisory level. My wife's feelings aside, I voluntarily decided to do this mainly because it had been 9 years, my work schedule had made it very difficult, and and actually I got tired of being tied down to the TV and computer for 82 games a season plus playoffs. So, these days I am more available. I DVR alot of games and watch them later to make sure I am putting being a Dad and husband first while doing what I can to avoid seeing scores and highlights in the meantime. And I can be completely truthful in saying that I don't resent it one bit. I'm glad I did it because of the extra time it has afforded me all around. But here I am one year after the last time we had this discussion (when it was supposedly based on my time spent on the website), and we're doing it all over again. So what is the reason now? I suspect it still has something to do with the hockey games, but even setting aside free time for myself to watch those games is still not enough.
So I guess after all that typing, what Im asking is, what is going through her mind? And why am I still having this conflict? I love my wife and kids more than anything... they really are my pride and joy. And I still tell my wife that she is the woman of my dreams. But I can't understand for the life of me, when our relationship is still so healthy and functional on so many levels, she is telling me that she can't keep feeling like this, and that she feels like she is about to "snap".
Any help in understanding this situation is greatly appreciated.
I'll take a stab at it.
If I read your post, it seems like you have set up you life that gives you everything you need and want. You have kids, job, and affectionate / sexual wife, and you have a fun hobby that takes up much time and provides you with friendship and companionship. You have it made. But what does your wife have? Her life is not nearly as fulfilling as yours.
I think your "hobby" of hockey has to be replaced with a new "hobby", and that hobby is a conscious effort to provide your wife with an active, fun, pleasurable life. You have to put meeting her emotional needs high on your list in life. You have to prioritize her, and specifically what you have to prioritize is making her feel loved by you.
You are right about me having it made. There's no doubt in my mind. Which is probably the biggest reason for my confusion. Everything I've done over the years has been for both of us. I have always been the primary bread-winner, but I've always made it clear that everything is "ours", and not just mine because my name was on the check. I never make a decision without my wife's input, or without at least strongly considering how it will impact her and the kids. But this current situation makes me wonder why that isn't enough. Perhaps i would understand it more if there were little to no affection coming from me, but that certainly isn't the case.
And you are probably right about her not feeling as fulfilled as me. But she has expressed her dissatisfaction with her job recently as well. She is upset by the fact that she is working in a convenience store part time, when she always had higher expectations for herself. To me, that plays a part in all this. Like i mentioned in my opening post, i always felt that she needed to have something to do that makes her feel good about herself, and that it should come from outside of me or the house.
I can accept the idea that perhaps i need to make sure i am being more attentive to her. In fact, there are a couple of ways i intend to work on that. But i really believe that what she needs right now the most can't be provided by me. It needs to be something that she feels is worthwhile, and makes her feel good again.
Fortunately, something popped up last night that might be the ticket. A friend of hers is starting a new band (with reputable musicians) and he asked her to stop by a practice to hear her sing. They would like to do a couple songs with a female lead vocal now and then. She is so excited about it, because besides piano, she LOVES to sing and was a trained singer in a barber shop quartet in her younger days. She still does karaoke now and then to get some practice, but this could be that fulfilling something she's needed.
Of course, i will be supportive of her as i always have been. I want nothing more than to see her happy again. I know my approach to her is a big part of it. Posted via Mobile Device
Your situation sounds similar to mine before my divorce after 18 years of marriage. She said we were out of touch and would lay around and cry. Like you, we never left the house or hung the phone up without saying, "I love you." Like you, I didn't think the distance seemed as great as she did. I can't think of specific examples, but there were even times when I would think to myself that things were going really wee, and that would be the time she would say things were going bad.
We had been married 18 years, so I thought the honeymoon was just over and we were facing the reality of raising kids and the stress of jobs.
Now, I will have to agree with Hicks comments. My x told me a few times that she could see why I was happy, I had everything I wanted.
i am actually planning on making an effort to get out of the house together more often...even if it's just for a walk or a drive to the ice cream shop. But i am also planning on taking her away for a weekend for our upcoming 10th anniversary. We always made it a point to go out to dinner or something for our anniversary, but this would be our first "getaway" since our honeymoon. Disposable income has never been very easy to come by, so vacations just for us or with the kids have always been a low priority.
I certainly have some work to do. Can anyone provide examples of what has worked in their own similar situations? I'm eager to hear some good ideas... Posted via Mobile Device
Given that she is a SAHM, I think it is even more important to recognize your responsibility to keep the passion strong in the marriage. My wife and I realized that her intellectual quality of life would suffer when she quit working for a time. She even struggled even more with depression. It was at this time that she really depended upon me to help her have something greater to look forward to.
Be willing to support her in getting out of the house together on long dates that are geared toward her fun. We struggled with finances and childcare, but we can often make things work out. My wife and I would go to museums, frequent dates, weekends away, even if it was nothing more than a campground.
Like you, my wife loves the piano. I'm not sure if you were saying that the one you found was good enough, but we contacted area churches and let them know that we were looking. Sure enough, about six months later, a church was upgrading and offered their old one to us for $100. Later, though, I travelled to a store that was going out of business and bought her a rare studio piano for pennies on the dollar.
My point is that I believe that the stay at home time is a period where we, as husbands, have to go the extra mile. Think of the things you can do to surprise her daily, and weekly. The daily things for me were little meaningful notes, small gifts, and just going on walks with her.
MightyMoose,
I'd say you are luckier than most men who post here. Your wife is complaining about a lack of closeness and connection between the two of you. From what I've read in the 6 or 8 months I've been on this site by the time men post here their wives have disconnected at least from the sexual part of the marriage and seem happy to do so. Your wife obviously wants MORE time with you. I'm a romantic at heart, my suggestion : hire a babysitter that will watch the kids away from home, or even overnight if you have family or someone you trust to that extent. Enjoy a nice meal, something you can have delivered, some candlelight and music...and take it from there. No stress, no interruptions, just time for the two of you.
too many similarities here that I feel I must say something
these are all things we shared (for me 30 months ago)
-married around 10-11 years- check
-wife in early 30's- check
-wife hitting sexual peak and wanting more and better sex- check
-hobbies consuming my time- check
-having no huge fights but lots of bickering spats- check
-I helped around the house as much as possible- check
-wife having new opportunities to go out and do things with friends without me-check
-me trying to be supportive of her achieving what she wants to do including going out with friends- check
-me never suspecting infidelity, having no infidelity in either of our prior relationships- check
but....
Wife was indeed having an affair
Now I don't want you to think that I am saying to you that she's definitely cheating, because I am not saying that
but what I am saying is to not dismiss the possibility as lightly as you already have. At the very least you should rule it out, so you can then in good faith make the improvements needed in the marriage. Otherwise you may be spinning your wheels as trying to fix problems in a marriage while one partner is in an affair will NOT work.
Thank you all for the input and ideas. I am going to make it a point to make arrangements for a day together...just the two of us. A museum might be a good fit, as she is definitely interested in culture. In fact, I'd say she sometimes feels starved of it considering that we live in a rather far out-of-the-way area. I know i often feel secluded from civilization out here in the boonies. Trouble is that we are so far from anything, but that can't be an excuse anymore.
AlmostRecovered... It is frightening to see the similarities you mention, and i don't want to be blind. However, with some honest examination, i still find it hard to believe that she could be cheating. She has always been very respectful of our marriage with her male friends, inside and outside of work. She has often asked me about my comfort level...making sure that i am ok. She has never done anything inappropriate (that i know of, of course), and has put a few guys in their place when they have been forward with her and disrespected her marriage. I also would hope that she knows that infidelity would be a deal breaker. I know I'm not perfect, but i have been too good to her to tolerate cheating. Posted via Mobile Device
So I guess after all that typing, what Im asking is, what is going through her mind? And why am I still having this conflict? I love my wife and kids more than anything... they really are my pride and joy. And I still tell my wife that she is the woman of my dreams. But I can't understand for the life of me, when our relationship is still so healthy and functional on so many levels, she is telling me that she can't keep feeling like this, and that she feels like she is about to "snap".
Any help in understanding this situation is greatly appreciated.
Perhaps this is an area that you two should explore together. You feel like you are getting your needs met, but she is not getting hers met. Sometimes it is very hard to articulate what it is that is wrong - as it is a feeling it can be hard to describe in words or pinpoint to a particular action or incident.
If she's willing, you may want to explore the following together:
There is also a web-site at marriagebuilders.com associated with the above book. Here's one of the articles regarding emotional needs that you may find beneficial to aid you in understanding how you could be so content, but your wife be so discontent.
Mighty Mouse---A museum---come on ---get with it---take her dancing, wine and dine her----go back to the way you were when you courted her---put some SPICE in your mge., and keep it there
You also must---talk, and talk seriously about what bothers each of you---and you must have these conversations regularly
You are on a website that delves into marital problems and the results that come from ignorance, unadressed issues, failing to face responsibilities---many of these things DO lead to cheating----read all the various areas pertaining to your mge., and beyond---so you know how to deal with things----it is a very thin line between a sound mge., and a screwed up mess---it only has to take one disagreement---which leads to one outing at a bar, or pub, or social club, where alcohol is consumed, and a ONS occurs---and life is never the same---do not let your mge., every get close to that point---If You Can Help It,
I was a SAHM with 5 kids within 6 years of each other... Going back to school (at approx. age 33) was AWESOME for me. Grown up time, intellectual conversation, goal oriented, etc.... Even if she doesn't know what she wants to go for, she does know she won't get fulfillment from her current job. She could start with the basic A.A. degree, even two classes at a time. The rewards are ridiculously fulfilling. I ended up going into teaching, thinking that would mesh the best with child care issues.... turns out to be the freakin greatest idea I ever had!
No college nearby? Even online courses are doable, intellectual, and kind of "up" your self-worth.
I think her problems go deeper than anything YOU can personally fix. You could win the lottery, quit your job to devote ALL your time to her and she'd still be unhappy.
The problem is rarely what you think it is.
You cannot personally be responsible for another person's happiness. If she isn't happy SHE needs to own that and find out ways to fix it not you.
She is blaming her unhappiness on you (blameshifting) because it's easier than taking responsibility for it herself.
She has been married a # of years, she takes care of kids, a house---and her H. wants her to run his hockey fan channel---which I would imagine is absolutely meaningless to anything remotely related to making a mge work
He works many hours, and keeps having to switch shifts---I know he must work---but he needs to get something stable going on
When he comes home he wants to watch his hockey games
He knows she is bored---and what does he propose to spice up her life---something really exciting---going to a museum---give me a break
You got a wife who is probably highly intellegent, she plays the piano, so she must have some talent also---and she has subverted her life to her family---and she is bored as he*l
Yes she has problems---she's got a H. who thinks 1st of himself, and his hockey, and who thinks excitement is going to a museum
He needs to focus ALL of his available energy on sprucing up his mge---and helping his wife get thru her boredom
How would you be, when you get up day after day after day faced with---kids, housework, running a hockey fan website, and your excitement is getting to go to a museum
Yes she has problems---boredom, and a H. who thinks 1st of himself, and how wonderful he is----THIS IS HOW AFFAIRS START.
11Likes
She's unhappy, and I'm puzzled 
