DCBob

Married 16 years and my wife and I have decided to split up. It was not a total shock -- we have been drifting apart for a couple of years. It seems it started when my wife went through pre-menopause. Her personality began to change to the point that I felt like she was a stranger to me at times. At the same time I was changing some too -- getting more laid back and thinking about downsizing and winding down a bit. My wife on the other hand was getting more and more ambitious looking for job promotions and more and more responsibility with more time at the office and more travel. Nothing wrong with that necessarily but it became a clash of priorities and personalities. I began to lose my love and trust in her and she began to lose her love and respect for me. We had discussed splitting up before but always worked it out somehow but yesterday we decided this was the end. It's very sad and disturbing. I think it is for the best for both of us but it is hard to dump 16 years of marriage in the trash. Any suggestions on how to get through this besides getting drunk? Thanks for listening.

Amplexor

I have read a few articles that discuss menopause and its effects on a woman’s relationship with her husband. In short some theories indicate that the “mommy” instincts shut down and she begins to see she has a life for her self. This can lead to a departure from the marriage to follow that dream..

Getting drunk will only provide numbness and possibly misplaced anger. If this is the end for you as a couple then it is time to start for yourself just as she is doing. Be confident around her and show her you are OK and willing to move forward without her. Join a church, club, gym…. or any other place that will offer you the chance to begin to grow new social contacts. Take up a hobby, read, travel. Do things for yourself and with time the pain will ebb and you’ll be happier.

I am so sorry to hear this, my best to you. Sixteen years is a long time.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

DCBob

Yes, that sounds exactly like my wife. I understand it can be normal response in some women but that does not make it any easier to deal with. Thank you for your suggestions -- they might help.

martino

I've met a few divorced guys that said their wife bacame a complete stranger after menopause. Holy ****! you build your life with a woman and have a family then you wake up to someone else. Scary!

martino

Makes me want to get drunk thinking about it.

DCBob

I am sure there are quiite a range of effects -- probably for most women they are not that extreme and their husbands are able to deal with it. With my wife it was quite extreme and yes it was scary. I tried to cope but I just couldn't deal with it.

TGolbus

DC Bob – you are looking for some thoughts….
First decide what you want to do. Really want to do. If you love your wife (or the women she can be) then the answer is simple. You have 2 choices here. 1 Fight 2 Roll over and let what happens happen. You don’t control your wife so you can choose to fight and have it not work. It doesn’t seem like you want to exit the marriage (but clearly sound ok if the marriage dissolves).
I suggest you fight. Work with your wife to get to a fantastic marriage. You will both have to agree on priorities, decisions and ways to enjoy life together. You might need a marriage class, or a counselor to help you evaluate how to get your marriage to one where there is deep and enjoyable love.

DCBob

Thank you for your post. You are right, I do still love her -- and I don't know why. I would fight but I don't think she is willing to fight with me. I fear I love the woman she was before not the woman she has become and I don't think she can change back to that person. I am willing to try but I need some signal from her that she is willing put in some effort. I have not heard that yet. Thanks again for your suggestions -- it gives me hope.

Deejo

I did fight, and I can tell you that you are correct - it's not a fight you can, or should try to without your spouse. Do you have any plans for counseling while separated? You can use the separation to find your feet as an individual, as it appears that she is doing. That in itself can give you perspective if you can rekindle and rediscover the relationship between you, or decide that you actually prefer being on your own.

I have been out of the house for 4 months now. My ability to relate to my wife and acknowledge the work she is doing has been positive. We each want the other to be happy. But, I cannot return to the marriage.

DCBob

I am willing to go to conselling but I doubt it will help. My wife said she feels the same way. I think my wife and I will end up much like your situation. We both hope the best for each other but we don't want to be married anymore. It is sad but I don't see any other other result.