talkindood

Hi All,

I have read a lot on the same topic from lots of males. I have been married since 3 months now. Since it was arranged process from conservative cultures...we did talk a lot via emails and phones...and met two to three times before we got married.....

wife is GEM of a person....there are lots of qualities i like about her....and its still 3 months ....so am still learning.....

it took some time for her to open up....but she did open up....and have told me about her past relationships....however...its only now she has been able to start to get over past relationships.....and have started working on our relationship....i have shown patience and have been very accommodating in hearing her out and not bringing up any of this even if we get into argument because of this....

She had two relationships in past.....one she mentioned soon after we got married (lets call this relationship A)...ended ....near end of 2007....i would understand that it would take some time for her to open up....and pretty much i knew it from the begining.....however never brought it straight up....just to provide enough time and space for her to open up towards me.....coz i know this arranged process can be a hell of a emotional roller coaster and overwhelming....

However, this valentine's day after we had real good intimate hours we cuddled up and she mentioned that she has more to share.....and this time around I guess it right too that who might be the guy (Lets call this relationship B)....and this ended 2-3 years back..the guy was jerk and broke up..... all good... until now...coz this is her past....and i really dont mind give her enough time and space....

these relationships as put to me never got physical.....and shez done with them ....

However ...i had some doubts about the second one....since it was mentioned in such time and place.....not that i was looking for answers or trying to dig her stuff out......

today morning she was out and needed something from her email....and i had access to internet....so she called me to chk something for her in her email.....MY FAULT....for which I have caused more SUFFERING TO MYSELF.....i sniffed arrnd in her email and found that shez really done with her relationships post our marriage.....however she did have physical relation with the guy in Relationship B......and she did have feelings for him 2 months before our marriage......

however, she has not mentioned this to me yet....and i do not know what to do!!!!!!

i have never been in a relationship with a girl before....since i was saving it all up for only this one person in my life.....iam very tolerant....and she wants to keep in touch with both these guyz juz as a friend......to which i never objected......i dont mind her having guy friends at all.......



summary:
but then today i feel very different about the guy in relationship B......he broke off....then she was with other guy....and she broke off with other guy too.....but then now she had feelings for the first guy....juz right before we got into a marriage.....and possibly they had a real good intimate time juz before we got married.....


now she wants to keep in touch with these both guy.....

i want to give her time to prove her self....and her promises she has made to me ...according to her.....shez let go of whatever she had in past before our marriage.....but she would like to stay in touch with these guys....i was fine until now.....however i now feeel very very betrayed.....

i dont want to take very harsh steps......however i do need to talk to her....without making her feel that iam punishing her for her past........aaaaaaaaaaaah its so hard....

any help would help....

I appreciate your patience in reading this really long post....

GAsoccerman

may I ask what Culture are you?

Well I have a old saying, the past is the past and there is nothing you can do to change it.

Since I ahve ben in several relationships, some more physical then others, I can safely tell you, that being physically intimate really has zero bearing on my relationship with my wife.

I am still friends with 90% of my ex girlfriends and the ones I was intmate with. I have no interest in revisiting that part of it.

I think you should keep it to yourself and let your wife come out and tell you when she is ready, this is very ahrd on her, due to your cultural heritage. These are hard mental blocks to get over and very difficult for her mentally.

If you truly want to be a great husband you must accept the good and bad things of the past and future, no one is perfect. You can build a solid relationship together of trust, communication and love. But you need to let her come to you and let her explain it to you, when she is ready, she has already begun and has shown she trusts you and wants to communicate in open discussion.

You can not hold her past against her, she was trying to find herself and who she was. I don't regret any past relationships, they all molded me to whom I am.

I am sorry you have never experienced any prior relationships, that is tough, but you must accept her for who she is, and you must allow her to open up to you, the more you let her talk and discuss her true feelings the better off you will be down the road.

talkindood

well iam Indian.....to be specific....western part of India.....but currently am in US....and here is where i got married....

yeah pretty much i never got into a relationship is not coz of culture......or my family's beliefs.....it was just my way of not putting my self in some situation for which my marriage would suffer .....along with other people's life.....

yeah i understand .....that best way would be to keep it to myself and let her open up to me ......and i dont wanna confront her by saying that you told something earlier and reality is different...... therez already a lot on her mind to handle.....i dont wanna add to it......with new relationship....new place....new family expectations.....it can be overwhelming at times.....

i agree no one can change past...... and i dont even wanna look at these things from past.....

but in present it suffocates me that.....why did she not told me earlier......also iam not going to go to anybody else to confirm whatever she tells me........i trust her....and i have let her know that......if there is something about you.....let me know directly....rather than me knowing from someone else......

i know its all in my mind....and i need to work it out......i look for some good tips n tools arrnd i guess......to sink it in my system.....

haha these are the times i wish that my mind had flush system attached to it and i can pull the knob and flush it out of me....

Thanks a lot for your opinion......

I was thinkin of asking her in just a very nice way if she has past physical relationships......just in a yes or no answer....and no more questions attached to it.....

I think the way iam......if i trust a person....and if also bad stuff about them comes directly from them....i feel more accepting towards them....

I will be ok if i dont ask too.....but then it will still keep comming to me again and again.....well its night right now...and i found this out today morning.......i feel much better right now then in morning.....and i think with time it may heal too.....

talkindood

Indian as in ....I'm a hindu.....i dont know how much more in detail would you know....but i would keep it at this now and can go in details later.....doesnt really matter tho....

anyways....any more suggestions anybody.....??

wonder

it might be possible that she didn't tell you coz as of this moment she may feel that it's none of your business. you have an arranged marriage so she may think she only has to share w/ you what she's obligated to (and sometimes discussing past relationships doesn't qualify as an obligation to some people). you 2 haven't been married long and i'll assume the meeting and engagement wasn't a long process either. give her time to adjust, marriage is after all a life changing situation. hopefully she'll open up more when she's more comfortable. and remember, there's nothing you can do about her past, so don't dwell on it too much or it just may ruin your future together

talkindood

well thinking about it ....i feel....how much good would i do by putting her to my question......when i know the answer.....

probably its juz my ego i guess.... i seriously dont know....havnt been put in such situation before....so no experience!! haha...

personally i hate to lie about such things.....and i agree we two are very different persons.....i can accept truth .....whatever it is ....and still can love the person for good and bad reasons...both....but probably would be able to stay with the person but never love if the person lies.....

its juz that i want her to be truthful to me .... in this case she has definitely lied (hopefully she might get comfortable enough someday and tell me the truth!)... but yeah for now am not gonna bring this up since as you mention......i can really do nothing about her past.....and by holding on to it i dont want to ruin our future too....

I think i juz have to accept her as she is....and move on ....and start enjoyin good parts of married life....

probably i juz had to let it out somewhere....and i found this place.....thread has some views....two ppl did hear me out....and have given great advise... i think thats all i needed.....I wont want to Punish my wife in any way......

Thankx Guyz....you are awesome!!! Hope we could've met over a beer table..... :-)

swedish

Having found this information, you have now put yourself in a place where you can tset her honesty. The problem is, I would imagine she is having doubts as far as how much information from her past would help or hinder your marriage. This varies from one person to the next, how much information they can handle, and she may be unsettled in knowing how you would react.

Since you are newly married, I'm not sure if she just moved to the US away from family, etc. but this is probably a big adjustment for her and I don't think it would be in the best interest of your marriage to bring this up with her and force the issue. Give yourself time to get more comfortable in your marriage and hopefully, the closer you become, the more safe she will feel to open up about things...even if this is never one of those things, you will feel better that she is happy being married to you. Giving her a safe place to share (which sounds like you have made a great start there) is really key in keeping your relationship strong.

Oh, and congratulations on your marriage!

draconis

First congratulations on your marriage!

Her not telling you everything is like you snooping, however it might just be that she will tell you when she feels comfortable with you. The idea of her keeping those two as friends says something for her, that she is a caring person to those she loved, however it makes the chance of EAs much more likely.

draconis

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Deejo

Can you share your feelings that you want to build a foundation and strengthen your bond but feel vulnerable? You are both still becoming familiar with one another.
Try to find a compromise where you don't need to make a demand of her, but instead she becomes closer to you, and chooses to no longer correspond with A or B.
Ask if she considers them friends. Assuming she says yes, tell her that you want to be a friend to her as well. A better, more reliable, and much closer friend.

I guess I am trying to describe circumstances that gets you the results you are looking for, without making any ultimatums that may create a wedge between the two of you.

talkindood

Thankx Swedish....I think so too that she might be thinking how much can i take in ....oh well gradually she would know.... I have never asked her any questions....and will never ask....will juz hear whatever she has to tell... i think only my stupid sniffin in something which i was never involved has brought me to this stage.....well i have to live with that....and its hard for her too with all the emotional roller coaster....no she didnt move from India to US....shez been here for 15 yrs....and ive been here for arrnd 4....
well for now i will juz wish.....she reamains truthful....and be a responsible wife....

Thanks for the wishes Draconis....
I think she cares too much for everybody's happyness...and just cant let go.... iam just learning to let go and be more happy....and will hope that she would learn this art soon....lol....

Thanks to Deejo too...i agree we both are still becoming familiar to one another....but some how ...i dont know iam not feeling vulnerable.... as of now ....thing is i never had or can have control over past....in present i can do something to make our bond strong in future.....which i will do ....by supporting her....giving her time and space.....
she did ask be before....that if i have problem with her keeping in touch with any A or B.....to which i have told her that i dont have any problem ........but if she has something in mind....tell me straight.....and i would like to hear it from her then from any other source....
I think she will never be happy if I force her to not to keep in touch with them..... shez juz wont be happy i think...
I dont know how to create a compromizing situation without me just telling her out right....
I think i will juz leave things as they are....and will give her time and space for our relationship to get more stronger and deeper...and wish for the best.... some things are juz not in our hands....it juz happens... :-)

talkindood

Oh by the way..... A R Rehman's quote at the Oscars is wot I needed to hear i guess......

he said "I had an opportunity to Love or Hate....I chose to Love...and Here I'm...."

well am not setting out to win oscars here.....but then.....this holds true for me at this time.......I will choose to love...

tnyn01

Arranged marriage or not, honesty doesn't cost anything. She should have told you about any intimacy prior to your union. Your health is the concern on that issue. As for keeping these guys as friends, I can only give this advice: if these guys are ONLY friends, why has it taken so long for her to open up about them? If they are ONLY friends, you should know them and there should be no problem with open dialog between all of you. I don't think you should have gone through her emails, but I don't think she should have lied nor do I think she should have anything to hide. I admire your patience, but I would put all my cards on the table and let the chips fall where they may.

talkindood

hmmm...yeah ....but i think she will open up a lil more later....coz she might be thinking about the impacts of whatever she says and if it can hinder our new relationship....(well later its gonna be much worse....).....but anyways....she hasnt told....and am not gonna ask....

About being friends....she did tell me right away about A.....and i have met A cpl times....hez a very decent guy...and we do have open dialog among us....thats all good.....but havnt had much talk with B.....and B doesnt really talk....i guess B might be the issue later....but for now ....i have also found wife telling B that....its too late for them....and she would want to be a responsible wife...oh well we will see how that goes....am ready to support if thats wot she wanna do ....

well putting all the cards on the table.....hmmmm am not sure how she might take all this......i know she doesnt like to take tough decisions....if this decisions are made by somebody else for her....it works for her.....i really dont know what might be the outcome of putting cards on table.....coz as far as i know her.....she wont be able to tell about this.....

MsLady

I think because you are still getting to know each other, she might be hesitant to tell you about any intimate relationships in the past, as she might worry that you will judge her or feel jealous or that your ego will be hurt (as has been the case). It may not be so much about secrets, but rather about fear of your reaction. I think you are taking the right approach by being gentle, but honestly, at this point, since you know, it would be silly to pretend that you do not ... and it's almost a set-up to her to sit back and wait to see how long it takes her to tell or whether she ever tells you. Also, I'm not sure what it is that you found, but it's possible you misinterpreted or exaggerated what you read ... a "physical relationship" can mean many things from just a kiss to all the way. So, unless it was very clearly spelled out in her email (which I doubt) don't make assumptions that will only torture your mind and create tensions that are unnecessary.

Since honesty is key ... if I were you, I would be honest. Tell her when she asked you to get her email, you ended up reading something that you know you shouldn't have. Apologize and tell her that you respect her privacy and feel terrible about it. But then tell her what it was that you found and that it made you concerned. That you accept that she had a relationship with 'B' and that you know the past is the past and it doesn't interfere with your love and devotion to her, but that is does make you feel insecure that she had physical contact with this guy so close to your marriage.

BE OPEN. You started out as almost strangers and only open communication will make you not only husband and wife, but best friends. As it is, she's hiding the full extent of a past relationship and now you are hiding that you know and that you snooped on her. NOT a good start. If she's as wonderful as you say she is, then it's your responsibility to start the marriage with an honest slate.

PS - I also think you should express a wish that she drop the friendship with 'B'. Sounds like all is fine with 'A' because you have met him and he's friendly with the two of you as a couple. But since all the cards aren't on the table when it comes to 'B', I would request she cut that off.

talkindood

I would be honest about my snooping......but what i have noticed so far is .......she is very sensitive girl.....she just cant say somethings.....i have noticed this in past.....its not that she doesnt wanna say.....but she couldnt juz do it.....its about her family....and hard time her family has been through......its was so so bad that she couldnt tell it herself........her mom told us....and we understand how ups n downs come in the family.....but it was something she couldnt juz say it......

and for this one too ...i have a feeling that she wont be able to say this to me ever......and if that is the case......I dont wanna put her to my question which might shatter her......and can hinder the growing relationship.......I really think it should help.....but then something inside me tells me that it might not....


about what I found was.....chat transcript of their intimacy ..... and stupid me read it all.....lol....caused more suffering to myself only.....anyways thats past and i cant change it.....

about putting all cards on table.....I will do it as soon as i get chance.....right now shez visiting India for a month.....i dont wanna do this over the phone......I need to do this in person.....

on honesty part...i dont think shez hiding it.....as far as i know her.....she juz cant do this........and if thats how it is.....putting her to my question would be a huge huge punishing for her.....i wont wanna do that.... its taking a lil time for her to open up....and if this one still takes some more time...iam ready to give it....

Not to forget....on the post marriage transcripts of chat.....I have also noticed B questioning her if she made the right decision....to that wife says.....its too late for her and B....and that shez in love with me ....and wants to be a responsible wife..... but then she misses that friend in B.... I think she cares for that friend... which iam perfectly OK with me....

at this point..... not whatz goin in my wife's mind scares me......whatz going on in B's mind does....hahaha....its stupid i know ....but thats how i feel....since i talk with my wife day in n day out....i have seen love and trust growing btwn us...... I would want to create n environment where she can open up more and do this a lil more softly then to bring her to table and ...openin all cards straight up......am sure she wont be able to take it .....