MY story

Ittakestwo · 04-22-2012, 02:51 AM

What a difficult and heart wrenching situation. I don't know that i have any advice but at this point with the things that your new wife has been saying... I would think there would be some major trust issues with her.

Maybe you can make your children and finding a means of employment your focus for now. Work on taking care of yourself so that you will be the best you ....you can be. That will no doubt come through when opportunties arise for you to be with your children and in getting a job.

Find something that you enjoy doing and try to plan for that in your life as well.

None of this will take away your pain but it might give you some motivation to move forward. It is hard to let the past go... I've not been great at doing that myself. But you need to take one day at a time and determine to make 1 good decision and then a next and so forth. Each good decision will bring something positive into your life.
Your heart will hurt for a time over this but she sounds to me as though she may be the toxic one... to you and your children...

some things to think about

buttersnips · 04-22-2012, 09:36 AM

Oh my God! You poor guy. What? I know hard it can be to have problems with family and also how painful it is. I've been through
similar things with my mother trying to control my son.

You must protect and regain your self. Kids come back around after the dust settles.

If this marriage is causing you to live a life that is not worthy, it will

eventually get to you.

Stay strong, life can turn around

Scott1984 · 04-23-2012, 03:45 AM

Thanks, I am just trying to process all of this, I keep praying to wake up in my bed with my wife and all 4 of my kids in the house and where I go to my job that I miss as well. Nothing feels right now, no matter where I Am at seems I Am a stranger in thos world. Everything I know is not here and a sense of disconnection is very much how I feel cept the pain and loss of a life that I feel I am not allowed to go back to. The more I try to find myself it seems the more I feel even more lost.

Oh on top of this last year around this time I nearly lost my Father. He had a motorcycle accident and lost his leg and nearly died. I was already a messed up as to what was going on as well as dealing with trying to keep my father alive and handle eveything while he was in a coma and be there for him. I REALLY dont know how I Am even sane right now honestly...

DayDream · 04-23-2012, 03:15 PM

I'm gonna play devil's advocate here and ask if you are telling us the whole story? I must have missed something...why is she scared of you? Why supervised visits? What's her side of the story? What's your ex'wife's side of the story? Are you really the innocent victim (Job, from The Bible, comes to mind) here or is there more to the story?

I apologize for the blunt-ness and for being crass, but I've had a rough life. I tend to be cynical at times.

Scott1984 · 04-23-2012, 07:05 PM

I have made some mistakes for sure by choosing broken women and trying to rescue them. By letting my feelings and judgement be clouded and refusing to see the red flags that were popping up in the relationship before I introduced my children to them. Not handling being a single Dad and dealing with a sick ex wife who was mentally unstable. I should have gotten kids and me in some intensive therapy because of all of this. She's scared of me because other men that have treated her in past have clouded her judgement as well as she doesnt want me to come back and start telling people my side of the story. I have had many friends we have in common tell me what she is saying and not believe one word of it becasue they have known me for years. I know I should have never lost my temper and got that upset, I was devestated that I truly became angry towards my wife for the first time after three years and all that other stuff that happened. I think I have been very calm and patient more than some people could have been. Im not trying to justify my actions I Am sure as hell not perfect. I have been dealing with severe depression and anxiety, my emotions have been erractic and indecisive as to what the hell to do and where I belong right now. I know that didnt look good for my wife seeing that and raised her alarm about me as well. supervised visits is standard for all CPS cases when they are open and you are on the other side. Even though I had nothing to do with the actual abuse and I was still present.

Uptown · 04-23-2012, 07:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scott1984

I have made some mistakes for sure by choosing broken women and trying to rescue them.

Yes, that is what we excessive caregivers do. We have such a strong desire to be needed that we mistake "being needed" for "being loved." Indeed, unless a woman desperately needs us, we have trouble feeling that she really loves us. This is why we will walk right past all of those emotionally available women (BORING!) until we find one that desperately needs us, as will be evident in her thinking we are her knight on a white stallion.

This is how we end up with one unstable woman after another. It is not that THEY are hunting us down. Rather, we are hunting for them. To us caregivers, vulnerability -- which BPDers are masters at projecting -- is like "catnip" to us.

Quote:

Not handling being a single Dad and dealing with a sick ex wife who was mentally unstable.

That is an extremely difficult situation to handle, even if you had a ton of professional advice. Without the advice, it far far more difficult.

Quote:

I should have gotten kids and me in some intensive therapy because of all of this.

Yes, you should have. But stop beating yourself up over a past mistake. You are living, making mistakes, and learning -- just like the rest of us.

Quote:

She's scared of me because other men that have treated her in past have clouded her judgement as well as she doesn't want me to come back and start telling people my side of the story.

If your current W is emotionally unstable, it likely is the result of damage to her emotional core during childhood -- not due to a few encounters with adult relationships. If so, the bad things she is saying about her Exes may have no more merit than the trash she is now saying about you.

My BPDer exW, for example, had me arrested and thrown into jail on a bogus charge that I had been "brutalizing" her (never mind that her sister and our grand daughter were only 20 feet away behind a closed door when the "brutalizing" allegedly happened.

Quote:

I have had many friends we have in common tell me what she is saying and not believe one word of it because they have known me for years.

With strangers and courts, however, unstable women can be very persuasive. The reason, if they are BPDers, is that there perception of your intentions becomes severely distorted by their strong emotions. That is, they truly BELIEVE most of the nonsense coming out of their mouths -- making it all the more credible to strangers. On top of that, they will not hesitate to outright lie if they have to (because they are perceiving you to be "the devil").

Quote:

I know that didn't look good for my wife seeing that and raised her alarm about me as well.

Scott, it sounds like your W had already decided to divorce while you were in Washington State -- hence, her speech about not wanting you to come back home. Indeed, it was her idea for you to move 2,000 miles away to begin with.

An important issue, I believe, is whether your current W is somewhat emotionally unstable -- like your exW who was diagnosed as having BPD (and bipolar disorder). I therefore suggest you take a look at my discussion of what it is like to live with a typical BPDer. That discussion is in a post in Maybe's thread (about his abusive W) at My list of hell!. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Scott.

Scott1984 · 04-24-2012, 05:02 AM

I dont know if she is unstable but I do know I did not deserve to be treated this way. I am not an abuser, or a drunk and alcoholic. I am still a good man who has been and lost much and yet I was willing to make it work and do the hard work instead of walking away. I still not going to be treated like this and ignored and forgotten up here as she so hopes I will be. I am going to get on my feet, get a job and come back to decide how to deal with her on my terms.

Scott1984 · 05-05-2012, 03:14 PM

Last Sunday was my wife's birthday. I tried to be positive and wish her a happy birthday but it was so hard since I am so unhappy I am not there to celebrate that day with her and she showed no inclination that she wished me to be there to celebrate it. This limbo speration crap is killing me and I cant deal with being married yet not being needed nor wanted. Its been 4 months today since we have been physically initmate and now I am even less connected to her now. She tells me she we have a teneous friendship with her right now. I am to the point I just want her completely out of my life so I can actually move forward since she has done so already.

Scott1984 · 05-08-2012, 07:36 PM

Today was a horendous day, all I did was sleep and weep all damm day. My wife has severed all communication with me and refueses to acknowledge that I even exsist. It hurt beyond reason and in no way I deserve to be treated as such. I just want a job, my things and a divorce so I can really put myself back together...

EleGirl · 05-08-2012, 08:22 PM

You need to take the move to end the marriage. If you filed for divorce it could be over quickly. It sounds like she is not going to fight you for a divorce. So do it.

Once you take that step you will have done something, taken an action. You will feel better. The thing that gets us the most down is the feeling of having no control over things. So take control.

Can you move back to where your children live and start rebuilding your relationship with them? That is probably the most important thing you could do for both your children and yourself.

Uptown · 05-08-2012, 09:40 PM

I agree with EleGirl, Scott. Filing for D will move you ahead and get the bad behind you. And, as Ele says, the most important thing is rebuilding the relationship with your kids.

Scott1984 · 05-11-2012, 02:21 PM

I Am trying to do so, however my other ex wife smells blood in the water and shes been trying to get back with me. I have to communicate withher since she has my kids now. My present wife removed all pictres of me on her facebook, its as if I am wiped clean from her. She keeps blaming me for losing her home and how our vehicles are being sold so she can get a place and move out of the house. I now have a part time security job here that I am trying to make some money so I Can make a move on what do next like get back down there and file on her. It takes me 4 ours on a bus every day to get to work and go through some rough parts of DC. Someone already tried to mugged me with knife a few weeks ago.

I know I am stupid but I keep hoping she will change her mind and realize we still have a chance to be together. I am utiizing all my resources and people I know in order to get where I need to go. Not to be religious I am just placing my life in God's hands as to where I end up and how all of this works out since I have no clue how it will trun out.

Uptown · 05-11-2012, 06:59 PM

Scott, thanks for giving us an update. I was wondering how you are getting along. It is great news that you have found a part time security job. Having that job will not only give you a source of income but also good references when you are able to seek work near your kids.

As to your BPDer exW, your decision to resist her efforts to draw you into another toxic relationship is a wise choice. Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't observe that your old DC friend -- the one who promply sent you an airline ticket on hearing of your difficulties out West -- is a good friend. A VERY good friend, indeed. It speaks volumns about your good nature that such a man places such a high value on your friendship.

Scott1984 · 05-11-2012, 09:21 PM

I have a lot of good friends and they honor me in still being my friend even now. All my friedns who are in my life and saw my wife and me, None of them have yet told me I need to go back to her, not even her parents who loved me as a son and I lived with them for over two months as well. I really think her parents know she is wrong and see what she has done yet they wont stand up and point it out to her either. I have no idea what or how all of this is going to turn out or where I will be. I am just thankful to get home in one piece after working right now...

Scott1984 · 05-24-2012, 12:08 AM

Well folks, Iam going back to Texas. going to reclaim my things, deal with the mess she created and move on with my life. I cant wait to see my kids as well.