General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
This is somewhat of what is happening with my life right now and how I am looking for some kind of way to figure this out. I was divorced in 07 and I was given custody of my kids which is unusual when I am the Dad. My ex wife tried to commit suicide while my kids were in the home. I was married to her for 8 years and she has been diagnosed with Bi Polar and Borderline Personality. I suffered many years of abuse and neglect because I stayed with her to long and allowed her to do that to me.
My ex wife came in and out of the children's lives as well as stalked and harassed me until I met my present wife in 09. My ex wife refused to let me go and tried to get me fired and destroy any relationship I could make with someone else. When I met my new wife, she had two children as well who were older than mine. After about 6 months, we decided I would move in her house since I lost my house in the divorce and I was basically going broke being a single Dad and trying to pay for daycare and everything else on my own.
It was at first a good time and it was all 6 of us, on big happy family. My daughter however did not like my wife and she believed what her mother told her if my daughter could get rid of my new wife my ex wife would move and be with me, My daughter was 7 at that time. So instead of me new wife understanding all the issues with my daughter they began to bump heads and my wife wouldn't back down. I had a hard choice and decided to let me daughter live with her aunt for a time so she could be happy and to keep the peace.
Later on, my son began to act up when he started kindergarten and exhibited very difficult behaviors. We were working with him and his teacher to help him through this.
Four days after our wedding my son had a rough night in which he was being very difficult. I knew I was getting up set with him and my wife intervened. Of course she was correcting him and this began to upset my son so she took him to the garage to talk to him. I was a few minutes behind when I think my son toppled over her. Now I have no idea. the next morning, he had a nasty purple bruise on his face. It didn't look to bad and we were running late so I let him go to school since he was acting fine and no dilated pupils or nothing. I get a call from CPS, to go to the Police Department. We both get questioned and grilled and I am pushed to give my son to my mother.
See, I was a Juvenile Probation Officer, so when this got to my work I lost my job. My ex wife showed up and then they gave both my kids back to her. I spent a year being dragged through the courts and accused of choosing the protection of my wife over my children as well as my mother no longer speaks to me.
After a year of trying to regain my life and get a job in the area, my wife's parents moved to Washington and we decided that I should try to look for work up there. I have lived up here for three months and still not yet successful for a job and I am living a lifestyle that is not mine nor never will be.
Even before this our sex life has been severely strained even before this began, and I keep wondering how much more I can take in order to be with a person that has cost me so much to stay with. I wonder at times what is the reward for me being with her now? I have let go my resentment yet its always her needs that comes first before mine are validated. If I get upset or address it she is hurt and I am at fault in how we don't have sex and how our marriage is not right. I live 2000 miles away with her parents and I am expected ot get a job up here in hopes when she decides to move up her since her oldest will be a senior next year and she does not want to move her until she graduates. I have no money or friends and family except her parents while she runs around goes to pool bars with people I don't know until 3 AM and I am supposed to be ok with that. She is about to lose her house and that is my fault as well since I could not get a good paying job to replace the one I lost because of that situation. I don't know what to think anymore. Sorry this is so long...
If you love your wife and want a marriage with her, stop worrying about the past and try to make it work in the present.
Keep looking for work. Keep looking for friends. Keep trying to make this place your home. Stop being so resentful and look at the positives a little. You sound really unhappy. I think you should consider counseling/therapy, especially because you're short on roots and friends and a place to fit in there.
You're in transition. Don't give up. Let go of the past and try to figure out how to make things work for you instead of worrying about bailing and giving up.
I wouldnt mind going to marriage counseling with my wife since I feel that would be a good thing. I wish I could go to therapy but I am broke with no job and apart from my wife.
I wouldnt mind going to marriage counseling with my wife since I feel that would be a good thing. I wish I could go to therapy but I am broke with no job and apart from my wife.
I'd suggest that you get independent counseling before you guys try marriage counseling because it sounds like you need to work through the past that's haunting you. You've had it rough. You need to find a way to put it behind you.
Are you guys insured? Can you get counseling through insurance? Can you look online for support groups nearby, if no insurance? Meet up dot com for hobbies or friends?
Stick around on the forum. It's helpful. Maybe only an online community, but it's a way to get some perspective on your situation from others.
So my wife came up to visit me in Washington state after not seeing her for two and half months. I was so excited to see her and my step kids. I had a plan for nice intimate time with her and to enjoy spending time with the kids as well. When I saw her at the airport, I was just so happy to lay my eyes upon her once again. My wife barely looked at me, and just hugged me and just gave me a peck on my check. I tried to get her attention and told her how much I missed and love her and she just barley even reacted. When we got back to the house, I just reasoned she was just tired with jet lag. So, we went to bed together, I tried to sleep but I was so badly wanting to be with her since it had been so long so I just enjoyed holding her and watching her sleep. The next moring when she woke up I was trying to be get close to her and she rolled as far away as she could on the edge of the bed. I asked what was wrong and I was just rubbing her back, she told me nothing but she wouldn't look at me. I asked if she wanted to fool around and she jumped out of bed as if I was a stranger. She got dressed as fast as she could telling me that she wont me intimate until she has her say and we have a talk. I just told her Id be happy to talk to her, just really wanted to be with her since it has been a really long time. Then we begin to argue, then she takes her stuff and leaves my room. I was just devestated, all I wanted was that reconnection, I knew we had alot to talk about but I was just completely hurt.
My wife left with the kids and her parents, I decided not to go I was very hurt and I just couldn't pretend I was happy in such way in how she was acting towards me. When she arrived back she started right in to arguing and accussing me and it just got really bad. I dont know how it started, but she shoved her hand in my chest and I grabbed her arms and escorted her out of the room. I was even more devestated that it escalated this far. The rest of the vacation was me just being so messed up. I told her I wanted to go home, and that I cant be up here anymore. My wife convinced me that It wouldnt be good for me to come back. She ddint sleep with me for the remainder of the time and yet she kept promising she would.
Being lost and confused with no place to go, I called my oldest friend that I know, he got me a plane ticket that day and I am now in Washington DC. My wife has flat out told me she is afraid of me and she doesnt want me back. I know I am partially to blame but all I wanted was to be initmate with my wife and all she wanted to was to argue with me. So, I have basically lost everything, my kids, my job, my reputation, and now my wife doesnt even want me. I have a feeling that she has someone else and that hurts even more. I am in such a mess right now...
What I don’t get is that you let your children go so that you can be with this woman. Why did you do that? You are their father. They depended on you to protect them and instead you let your wife hurt one child and drive them both off.
If your children are not in your life right now, it’s your choice. You walked out on them.
You have not lost your children. Just like your ex was able to turn things around and have the children you can do this as well. Move to where your children are and get them back in your life. Get a job and help support them. Work at getting 50% custody. It’s going to take time since you blew it before. Your life will go much better when you have your priorities straight. Your children should be your first priority.
Is there any way you could challenge your job lost and get your job back?
I doubt it will be possible and your right I should have made my kids one priority. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time standing by my wife and protecting her since I felt she didnt do anything. Now I am not sure what to believe since I never imagined her doing this to me.
Its been almost a month now, my wife no longer wants to have any contact with me and once again all of this is my fault. She keeps telling me I need to let her go and find myself and a job. I dontknow what that means. I still love her so much and I feel very hurt abandonded and broken. She has even been telling people that I forced her to have sex with that weekend which isnt true. She posts on facebook how she neds to get rid of toxic people and I know sheis talking about me. I am at a loss as to what to do or if there is anything I can do.
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