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Old 03-23-2012, 08:12 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I marry her?

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhoHaveIBecome View Post
There is nothing I can do about my mistakes now.
Except learn from them.

Your faithful and devoted and forgiving late wife gave her life and there's a hard lesson there that you simply ignore because it's inconvenient.

Other people have feelings besides you.

People that have made a decision to trust you with their very lives, yeah the same ones that you crap over at your discretion because it suits you to do so at that particular time.

You aren't asking for anyone's permission or approval to get married, you just want to tell your story and see what sort of responses you get from your audience, you continue to deflect, and defend, and minimize your actions and those of young mistress, and you'll get married if it suits you and you'll dump young mistress if she outlives her usefulness or she'll do it to you first.

Post an update in 10 years if you're still together and I'll post a retraction to my prediction that says you guys won't last a year.
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Old 03-23-2012, 08:32 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
Ok well now you're saying you will marry her so what was the point of this thread? You seem to take issue with everyone's post.
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No point really. I was only responding to people that were talking about my prior marriage. Jellybeans you can feel free to stop responding/reading.

Do you expect me to say nothing when people are essentially name-calling me? All I did was correct the record.

You aren't asking for anyone's permission or approval to get married, you just want to tell your story and see what sort of responses you get from your audience, you continue to deflect, and defend, and minimize your actions and those of young mistress, and you'll get married if it suits you and you'll dump young mistress if she outlives her usefulness or she'll do it to you first.


I was just asking for advice on whether I was ready for marriage. I didn't address any of the drama surrounding my first marriage specifically until other posters started to ask me about it.

I am guilty of using this site as a bit of therapy for sure. I cannot talk to anyone about the affair so when I get the chance to work things out and talk about it (anonymously) it is nice. I cannot talk about it with anyone. Not my girlfriend. Certainly not my friends or family.

Post an update in 10 years if you're still together and I'll post a retraction to my prediction that says you guys won't last a year.

We've been together for 3 years in some capacity and living together for 2. So your prediciton is already wrong.
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Old 03-23-2012, 08:33 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by WhoHaveIBecome View Post
We've been together for 3 years in some capacity and living together for 2. So your prediciton is already wrong.
I meant a year from NOW.
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:01 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Hisfac I figured I would keep my responses on the newer thread so this is a reply to your post on my old thread in the Infidelity forum.

With all due respect I think the advice you offered is very pessimistic. I think its similar to what another poster said a few weeks ago (Catherine?). I understand that the odds are against us but I would much rather try completely than just expect that its not going to work out. We do work well together and we are both really great with our daughter and we still have fun.

I am already committed to my girlfriend because of our daughter and getting married wouldn't do anything negative to me beyond a few years of spousal support IF we get divorced. I think its important we have the security of marriage especially as we grow our family. I have been cowardly and nervous in hesitating and waiting. Emily has been patient and supportive and would make a good wife. I know you all don't hold her in high regard but she is a truly amazing mother and wonderful, supportive partner. I don't want to lose her.

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Don't marry young mistress it's a disaster waiting to happen. Nothing to gain, everything to lose. Stay together while it lasts, part amicably when it fails.
Girlfriend not mistress. That term is kind of loaded. I realize I am biased b/c I am so involved in the situation but I think we can make it work. So us failing is not a guarantee at all.

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Take care of your child and be a good father no matter what happens with mom. Don't complicate the situation with more children, one is more than enough.
I appreciate the advice but that is a given. I will always be there for my daughter. I don't need to be reminded to love her.

We both want more children and we've been trying for #2 for a little bit now so the idea of stopping at one child is not one that I would even entertain.

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Show more consideration for other people in your life who have bestowed you with their trust.
I know this is important and I am trying to be better at it. I betrayed my late wife horribly. I would never ever do anything like that again.

Quote:
Sit down and really think about what your wife was going through when she slowly deteriorated into oblivion largely as a result of your actions- although I admit every person is ultimately responsible for their own well being and she could have pulled it together and told you to screw off and gone and lived a happy life without you if she was so able, that part isn't necessarily your 'fault' even though you were obviously a contributing factor to her death.
I know I have to do this. That was why started to write the original thread. My counselor had advised me to write a journal and I wanted to hear some feedback as I was writing it so I thought this forum would work for that purpose. It didn't work out like I wanted and I had to deal with busybodies accusing me of lying and I ended up getting off track.

The last part of my journal is about my wife's suicide. I am too scared to even consider going back and thinking about it. It was horrible and I will blame myself for the rest of my life. I know what she was thinking because I still have her emails and texts. I accept responsibility for her decision. If it wasn't for me she would be alive today. And I have to live with that shame and guilt.

Last edited by WhoHaveIBecome; 03-23-2012 at 09:11 PM.
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:09 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by WhoHaveIBecome View Post
I understand that the odds are against us but I would much rather try completely than just expect that its not going to work out.
You think getting married is "trying completely" while living together is in some way not going the distance?

The concept of marriage is archaic, outdated and just flawed, it doesn't mean a freaking thing anymore. But if in your mind you think it does, and you're willing to put up with some spousal support as well as what could be exhorbitant legal fees as you work your way through the courts someday, then hey, knock yourself out. Those are pretty much the only difficulties when a relationship ends that has been legalized by a mostly worthless piece of paper.

This is a bit off topic but do you know how to quote posts?

It's a bit confusing to read the bold typeface and then associate it with a prior posters post, that's why the quote feature is built into most of these internet discussion forums.

It's really very simple once you give it a try.
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:11 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I marry her?

If you have to ask if you're ready for marriage--- you're not ready for marriage.

End of story.
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:50 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I marry her?

Marry and have a pre-nup saying everything will be split 50/50 (unless one of you brought some pretty hefty assets into the marriage, in which case you could get something decided for that property/asset which would secure the child's interest and perhaps the other parent's need for more financial help in the event of a split). Or just do the other legal paper work (living will, etc.).

Having kids is one thing, and having one of you make career sacrifices for the sake of raising the kids is another. That is the case where men (usually it is men) seem to lack any understanding of why they need to continue to pay something to the spouse who will NEVER catch up to them in terms of earning. Both parents get the benefit of having kids, but the one who makes more career sacrifices will feel the financial effect for the rest of their life. Making things more even through divorce settlement is only fair, because otherwise stay at home parents will always, always be poorer because the work they did raising the kids will go unrecognized and uncompensated.
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Old 03-23-2012, 10:04 PM   #38 (permalink)
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This is going to be harsh but I need to get this out.

Don't you see. You are in a paradox. You won't tell your gf about the sex with your wife. You keep that secret guilt and it eats you up. The guilt you have from your dishonesty causes you to not be able to commit to your current gf. You are the eventuality of your own actions.

Your late wife could not have children. So you begin an affair with a woman who is of optimum breeding age. Your wife discovers this fact and ends her life. The guilt from your late wife's suicide prevents you from properly bonding with the object of her depression. You are the inescapable result of your own tragedy.

Friend, why you would want to expose your daughter to your toxic life is a question best left to philosophers and madmen. You need much help before you can be a good father and husband to anyone.
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Old 03-23-2012, 10:07 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Don't you see. You are in a paradox. You won't tell your gf about the sex with your wife. You keep that secret guilt and it eats you up. The guilt you have from your dishonesty causes you to not be able to commit to your current gf. You are the eventuality of your own actions.

Your late wife could not have children. So you begin an affair with a woman who is of optimum breeding age. Your wife discovers this fact and ends her life. The guilt from your late wife's suicide prevents you from properly bonding with the object of her depression. You are the inescapable result of your own tragedy.
Wow.

It fits.
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Old 03-23-2012, 10:33 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Great post, Beowulf.
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Old 03-24-2012, 05:40 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Marriage is an over rated, outdated archaic concept that results in failure much more often than success.

Having been there, done that once in my life I suggest there is no reason for anyone to ever go there at all.

With marriage you've got everything to lose and virtually nothing to gain. You're already in a committed relationship, you've got a child. That's more than sufficient.

A few ago I would have disagreed with you but boy does a few years teach you things. Marriage in the US (anywhere now I guess) is financial, mental and spiritual Russian Roulette for a man. But its really our fault because when things go bad we just roll over and take it instead of fighting for our rights.
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Old 03-24-2012, 06:16 PM   #42 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I marry her?

Infertility was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life... It was 6 yrs trying... We even had a little boy at the time, and I was still a basketcase (at times).... I can't even imagine how that would have tore your 1st wife up, damn !! I can't think of anything that could have hurt me more so, if the love of my life fell into an affair & got a younger woman pregnant...when my body couldn't have our child.

I am not jumping on you, really I am not, I just wanted to say that. I do wonder if the infertility is what started the problems in your marraige though, your wife was likely depressed and that was hard to deal with. In that I sympathize with you. that can unravel alot of things... That is one hell of a sucky situation. That is a tremendous amount of guilt to carry around.

I have to agree with Beowulf's post, the truth in all of it's entirely should come out... if you love each other, it can be overcame, we all have faults and are human, making bad mistakes. My God your GF should understand why you was having sex with your wife ! Geeze, the woman killed herself over this.

Start today... go forth in the truth.... make it a way of life.. it is freeing and the only way to release your demons and have peace, even with what happened to your wife... you will have to forgive yourself. But this starts with searching your soul and being honest with everyone you love... be an example to uphold to your daughter and any future children you may have .
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Old 03-24-2012, 10:10 PM   #43 (permalink)
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A few ago I would have disagreed with you but boy does a few years teach you things. Marriage in the US (anywhere now I guess) is financial, mental and spiritual Russian Roulette for a man. But its really our fault because when things go bad we just roll over and take it instead of fighting for our rights.
Some might roll over and take it, others will fight as I did because she was being very unreasonable. In the end, quite often its the husband who is the breadwinner and the wife the caregiving parent, so even if the husband puts up a good fight, wife ends up with the house, custody of the kids, and a hefty support payment at least as a percentage of exhusbands income who is lucky to be left with enough to afford a cheap apartment somewhere.
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Old 03-24-2012, 11:04 PM   #44 (permalink)
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Given how badly the legal system treats men in divorce/family court. Given how the police and legal system declare men to be guilty of spousal abuse for anything that the wife decides is abuse. Given how A woman can decide that she is going to get pregnant and boom, you're a dad. Or She can unilaterally end the pregnancy. no input from you required.

These kinds of bad things do not happen in most cases. But I know first hand of enough of them that I would never recommend a man get married.

You sound pretty committed to your GF. But before you marry I would recommend counseling. Counseling goes a long way to determining compatibility.

Love is the easy part. Commitment is the hard part. There are lots of people who still love their ex. They just can't stand to live w/ them.
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