The other thing is that you don't have to sit and take her verbal lashings. You don't have to lash back, but you can be calm, confident, and competent. Tell her when she gets in a fit of rage that until she calms down and is capable of talking together respectfully, you will take the boys out to the park, etc. and remove yourself from the situation. Lather/rinse/repeat.
Your wife does sound like she's totally overwhelmed. Does she truly want to work the hours that she does? Does she need to work all the hours that she does?
Has she always been one to fly off the handle? Has it gotten worse with the new baby?
She may need some help - whether that's medical attention for possible depression or anxiety - or whether that's pyschological attention for learning how to cope with stress.
It seems to me that she is having post partum depression coupled with high stress. Now with the information that she is starting her cycle just adds the perfect storm. I myself just had an argument last night. My fiance was in a bad mood and had made little quips to me that were a little hateful. I blew it off because of her mood and nothing would be gained by saying anything at the time. Later she said something to me very hateful and I finally got upset. I got up and left to avoid the argument. She deemed it running away. Now she is not sure about us. I guess what I am saying is I empathize with you brother. I feel my relationship is worth fighting for and that's what I'm going to do. If you value yours and feel its worth it then you need to fight tooth and nail to keep it. No fight is without injury and heartache. If you cant take anymore then its time to get out. Good luck brother!
Screw her. Do a 180. Live for you and your boys. Stop caring. Tell her the days of you being a punching bag are over. She starts screaming at you. Don't say a word. Just walk away. She's miserable and wants you to be too. Don't give her the satisfaction.
And I'm no leader. But SOMEONE has to deal with all of these women checking out of marriages. MINIMUM, we need to admit it's happening and do something about it.
Your wife needs to take responsibility for her anger and at least seek medical attention for possible postpartum depression. You sound like a wonderful husband and father, and if she refuses help/treatment, she won't like handling those 2 kids on her own without you there, and only THEN will she realize how good you are, and how good she has it. Postpartum is at least something to rule out......and go from there.
Postpartum depression symptoms:
Postpartum depression may appear to be the baby blues at first — but the signs and symptoms are more intense and longer lasting, eventually interfering with your ability to care for your baby and handle other daily tasks. Postpartum depression symptoms may include:
Loss of appetite
Intense irritability and anger
Loss of interest in sex
Lack of joy in life
Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy
Severe mood swing
Difficulty bonding with the baby
Withdrawal from family and friends
Thoughts of harming yourself or the baby
There's no single cause for postpartum depression. Physical, emotional and lifestyle factors may all play a role.
Physical changes. After childbirth, a dramatic drop in hormones in your body (estrogen and progesterone) may contribute to postpartum depression. Other hormones produced by your thyroid gland also may drop sharply — which can leave you feeling tired, sluggish and depressed. Changes in your blood volume, blood pressure, immune system and metabolism can be further stresses that contribute to fatigue and mood swings.
Emotional factors. When you're sleep deprived and overwhelmed, you may have trouble handling even minor problems. You may be anxious about your ability to care for a newborn. You may feel less attractive or struggle with your sense of identity. You may feel that you've lost control over your life. Any of these factors can contribute to postpartum depression.
Lifestyle influences. Many lifestyle factors can lead to postpartum depression, including a demanding baby or older siblings, difficulty breast-feeding, exhaustion, financial problems, and lack of support from your partner or other loved ones.
Left untreated, postpartum depression can interfere with mother-child bonding and cause family problems. Children of mothers who have untreated postpartum depression are more likely to have behavioral problems, such as sleeping and eating difficulties, temper tantrums and hyperactivity. Delays in language development are more common as well.
Untreated postpartum depression can last up to a year or longer. Sometimes untreated postpartum depression becomes a chronic depressive disorder. Even when treated, postpartum depression increases a woman's risk of future episodes of major depression.
Untreated Post-partum depression helped end my marriage. She's got to at least get checked to either fix it if she has it, or to rule it out.
I didn't read any of your responses, so please forgive if I repeat what has already been stated.
In cases of abuse, the only advice you should receive is to leave because that is the one and only solution. The only way to stop the abuse and relieve yourself of your abuser is to leave. As long as you stay, you will continually be abused. You are afraid of losing your family, but look at what this is doing to you and how awful she makes you feel. As long as you are there, she will not find any reason at all to control herself and treat you with any kind of respect.
You are afraid to leave, but you have no choice. Get away from her to make her wake up and realize what she has done. Believe me, she also is afraid of losing you, while you are busy thinking you have no value to her. You think YOU are afraid? She will practically lose her mind with fear of losing you and her marriage. Be daring and stand up for yourself in the only real way that you can. All other efforts have failed, now you need to give her a reason to respect you again. Absolutely no woman on this earth respects a man who allows her to run over him like this, and that is why she does it. That is just the way women are. Given the opportunity, most people will be abusive to some degree. That is just the way people are. No one can give you any advice that will fix her because as long as you stay and put up with it, she will not change.
*You have to leave to get her attention.
*You have to leave to show her you are strong.
*You have to leave for your own sanity, self esteem, and self respect.
*You have to leave in order to save your marriage.
Once you are gone, you will have earned yourself leverage in the relationship because you will have her attention and her respect again. That leverage will be your life saver, or rather your marriage saver, as it were. It is at that time you can demand marriage counseling. She will be willing (even though she will feign some resistance) to do "everything and anything" (your words) to get you back and keep her family intact.
If I were you, I would even go so far as to demand she go into individual counseling. She needs it very badly because she needs to understand what she is doing and most importantly, why she is doing it. Mainly, she's doing it just because she can since you are there taking her crap every day. Like I said, people will be abusive just because they are able. So, she needs to learn how to get a grip on her life, her attitude, and her anger. She needs to learn there is price to pay. She has to examine why it is she criticizes and mistreats you so badly. She needs to see that you are the man she married, and you will never become some made-up person she manufactured in her head. No one could possibly live up to that. By leaving, you will bring her to her knees, and she will be open to anything because she does not want a divorce. You need to stop being afraid of losing her. She is more afraid than you can imagine. You just have to give her something to fear because right now, she is comfortable and fearless. She feels all powerful because you've given her too much power over you. You have given her ALL of YOUR power. You have take your power back if you want to save your marriage. You have no choice in the matter. Oh, yes you do. You can stay there and keep taking it and keep being afraid to be a man - the man she needs you to be - someone stronger than this wimp you have become.