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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 08:31 AM Thread Starter
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advice wanted

My husband recently told me "Yes, she's prettier than you" about a co-worker of his that I've been envious of for 10 years (and he's always told me I was nuts to have those jealous feelings about).

I just can't seem to get those little words out of my head.

His co-worker IS a cute woman (happily married with kids) and we are actually friends.

He feels really bad about saying this to me and it was said during an argument but WOW...does it hurt! My heart is broken.

I'm not sure how to move past this ...I feel like I want him to "pay" somehow for how much he's hurt me.

Ideas, thoughts? Thanks

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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 09:37 AM
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If it was said in an argument did you just corner him into admitting what you both knew to be the truth and had previously just never said out loud?

Should he have said it? Well it's not the smartest or kindest move on his part, but it IMO it probably doesn't rise to something you need to make him pay for - especially if you admit it as the truth. As long as there is no other shoe between the two of them, I'd probably just express to him calmly that it hurt your feelings and let it go.
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 09:40 AM
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Re: advice wanted

Um, excuse me? That is not something a husband says. Ever. I'm surprised yours still has his manhood intact. My husband will always tell me how much more beautiful I am than the super model on tv - all lies - but that's what they're SUPPOSED to do.

I can imagine how hurt you would be. I wouldn't be going for all out revenge to make him "pay" because he feels bad about it, it's not going to solve anything.

It'd probably be easier to forget about it if you stopped seeing this woman!

The only advice I can give is to try and let it go. There might be someone else you've seen who you think is more attractive than your husband, even one of his friends. The difference is you didn't say it. He needs to go out of his way now to make you feel beautiful.

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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 09:51 AM
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Re: advice wanted

She is a married woman not someone you have to be scared of. Revenge will only breed more. Men do realise that their wives may not be the prettiest. You cant really complain about that even if he mentions it. But he is married to you and thats all you have to care about.
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 09:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: advice wanted

HA! you are both SO right.... I read the first post and though, 'yeah, she's right"...then the second and though "YEAH, she's right too".
By "pay" for it, I just mean to change his ways a bit. I would never ask him to fire her (he's her boss) but I've asked that he respect my feelings more and not have 'work lunches' with her.
For the time being at least...until the hurt stops.

I also know how sensitive I am. YIKES! If I told him one of his friends was better looking, he'd just agree and move one. (what is with 'guys' anyway!!!). BUT...I think if he'd voiced that he's jealous of the way I am around his friend (although he'd be clueless to that too, probably LOL)... anyway.
I just want to feel pretty again....and seeing her when she's at work sure doesn't help. (ok, I have a better body though (!) and am 13 years older...SO THERE! oh boy. :O/ ).

thanks for the advise!
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 09:53 AM
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As long as she didn't bait him into saying it I agree but in an argument who knows. He could have just told her what he knew she was trying to get him to say.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 02:02 PM
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Re: advice wanted

They say if you can't stand the truth, don't ask the question. You really didn't want the truth, you wanted him to tell you that YOU are prettier than this woman. No other answer would do (this may be subconscious). With you getting mad at him for telling the truth, he may be afraid to tell you the truth about anything like that again.

I found this out the hard way when I asked my husband when we were out to dinner if he could tell I gained weight. I wanted him to say, NO HONEY, YOU LOOK GREAT, but he told me the truth. YES, HE DID NOTICE. And I sat there at the table and actually burst out into tears! After that, I stopped asking him questions I already knew the answer to, but I was still deeply hurt and furious!
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 02:03 PM
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Re: advice wanted

Your husband is a d!ck, plain and simple.
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 02:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
Your husband is a d!ck, plain and simple.
I agree.

This isn't something a husband says to his wife ever! Words hurt like heck when they are meant to. My ex use to complain that I was fat. I was 5'10" and 120 pounds. I was actually under weight according to my BMI. I was far from being fat. He was looking for ways to bring me down and make me feel miserable. He even bought exercise equipment as gifts. I never let it bother me, I knew what a jerk he was and that this is verbal abuse along with the name calling. I ended up leaving and marrying someone who fully respects me!
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 04:48 PM
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Re: advice wanted

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
Your husband is a d!ck, plain and simple.


And, yes, he should probably stop doing lunches with her.

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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 05:10 PM
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Re: advice wanted

I disagree with everyone automatically saying he's a d!ck. He could be but without knowing how that argument went down that's not a fair statement. If she kept baiting him to say it then she got what she asked for and he's not a d!ck. He stood up for himself by refusing to be manipulated. However, if he only said it because he knew it was the biggest verbal stick he could use to win the argument and hurt her then - yes obviously he's a d!ck.
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 05:37 PM
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Re: advice wanted

If he's not a ****, he's definitely an idiot! If you really want him to know how you feel (and I'm not saying that this is the right thing to do, but I'd definitely be tempted,) pick out a great looking man, point him out, and say "Wow! He's definitely more attractive than you! Bet his member is bigger, too!"
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 06:09 PM
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Re: advice wanted

I think what he said is thoughtless, but without knowing the exact conversation and how he came to say that comment, I wouldn't say he's a ****head. It's like when women ask "do these jeans make my butt look good?" Why ask if you don't want the honest answer? If you react with anger and desire to get payback, why would he be honest with you in the future?

I also think you're taking one comment way too much to heart. He didn't say he wanted to have an affair with her. He's not saying he stopped loving you. I'm sorry, but it seems really not worth getting upset about. He made a dumb factual comment in the heat of an argument. Who hasn't done that? Haven't you? I know I have. I'm not even sure if factual is the right word because "pretty" is one of those things that's subjective. Obviously it's a sensitive issue for you. He should have been more clued in to how you're feeling.
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 06:12 PM
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Re: advice wanted

Quote:
Originally Posted by accept View Post
She is a married woman not someone you have to be scared of. Revenge will only breed more. Men do realise that their wives may not be the prettiest. You cant really complain about that even if he mentions it. But he is married to you and thats all you have to care about.
Yes, if this forum has taught me anything, it's that you can trust a married person LOL ....sorry
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 08:55 PM
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Re: advice wanted

If I may give my two scents? How we communicate to each other is what really matters. I had to read this post twice because I didn't just want to run off the mouth. There were a few things that pop up to me. The first thing is you said is you have been jealous of her for not a few months but 10 years, that is a long time plus you two are friends on top of that. It is difficult to gage exactly how serious your jealousy may have become.

The second thing that came to me is when you said he feels really bad about what you said and it was during a fight. Now I'm not saying he said the greatest thing in the world but I have heard far more worse than this and the people I have heard it form mean't it and DID not feel remourse nor apologized. I do not think it is fair to jump on the bandwagon especially since I wasn't there, to be fair were just going on what he said you may have said some pretty nasty things yourself. I'm trying to give you and him the benefit of the doubt because he is not here to defend himself.

Third as a woman usually if were insecure about something there is a deeper issue that has not been addressed. This woman is a symbol to a certain extent. The question is do you feel that your husband may or may not have lost attraction with you? Are you insecure that you don't deserve him or is he very attractive? I ask only because these things do play a factor. Is it a spouse's duty to make him or her feel good, loved and wanted? Yes... but to a certain degree. You have to believe that you are beautiful and desirable for yourself because if you don't then you will fall in that constant trap of thinking it is someone else but the deeper issue starts with you as well. How I look at it is your husband could tell you all he wants how sexy, beautiful, attractive, smart, lovely, etc etc etc etc all he wants. But if you do not believe that for your self that it won't matter what he does because you have not faced the reality of the situation. And it is your insecurity. Try to address this now before if it already hasn't get out of hand. Jealousy and insecurity can and has hurt a marriage.

I understand if he did something to warrant this behavior but it does not sound to me that is the case, you can't force this on him like this is HIS issue because the truth is it is yours and you have to deal with it. I hope this helps and good luck to you both.

-Kris
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