General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi folks. Wasn't sure if this question made more sense in here or sex in marriage but I wanted to get thoughts from men and women.
Most of the things I read here and in external sources say you should never reject your wife. WTF? So constant rejection of me is OK but not her?
The reason that I ask is that we haven't been together in a couple of weeks and her birthday is this week and I am working from home on Friday so conditions will be ideal and I am sure I will be "allowed" to be with her.
Right now, I don't know if I want to be. If I am being totally honest, part of it is to make her feel like I feel most of the time but I am also slowly starting to not care. I'm tired of feeling like just being another check mark on her todo list rather than her having even the slightest real desire to be with me...
I have two books by the same author. The sex starved marriage and the sex starved wife. She advocates in certain circumstances rejecting the LD wife or husband. It's a method employed in a grander scheme of basically the 180 where you get on with your life with or WITHOUT them in it. If you accept crumbs and act all happy with that then crumbs is all you will ever get.
I don't think it is that she doesn't care it is that she doesn't "get it" even though we have discussed it ad nauseum. She is an acts of service person so she feels she is showing her love for me by keeping a nice house, taking care of the kids, making my dinners, etc. And she does do a great job of that.
Oh and I didn't say that I read that rejecting me is OK just that most things seem to say that you should NEVER reject your wife.
I'm tired of feeling like just being another check mark on her todo list rather than her having even the slightest real desire to be with me...
Any words of wisdom??
Unfortunately, becasue you have chosen to stay, this is your life, since you can't make her change. Unless you get out of the situation where you can have a shot at a happier life.
Hi folks. Wasn't sure if this question made more sense in here or sex in marriage but I wanted to get thoughts from men and women.
Most of the things I read here and in external sources say you should never reject your wife. WTF? So constant rejection of me is OK but not her?
The reason that I ask is that we haven't been together in a couple of weeks and her birthday is this week and I am working from home on Friday so conditions will be ideal and I am sure I will be "allowed" to be with her.
Right now, I don't know if I want to be. If I am being totally honest, part of it is to make her feel like I feel most of the time but I am also slowly starting to not care. I'm tired of feeling like just being another check mark on her todo list rather than her having even the slightest real desire to be with me...
Any words of wisdom??
If you honestly feel like your starting not too care then be honest with her and your reason why.
I'm not really interested to make love because of your poor attitude twords sex in general and its importance to me so I'd rather not. When you start taking my needs seriously then we'll talk.
You selfish fing b*tch!.......oops you might want to leave the last part out no matter how strong you might want to say it.
Know what you mean and I feel similaer to you. Part of the reason I don't want to be with her the next time she's actually in the mood is I want her to feel the same rejection she's put me through.
I also find that as time passes and I find other things to do, I care less. However, having been down this path before, I know I am weaker than she is and I have caved in the past! That usually starts the cycle all over again with improved frequency for a while and then back to the typical cycle.
Only words of wisdom is try talking to her again about what you both need/want in this area.
I plan to try this again and after that, if it goes back to the same old ways, I don't know what I'm going to do.
I do plan on pushing the MD thing with her to get her hormone levels (especially testosterone) checked but after that, I'm at a loss
If you have told her ad nauseum and she still refuses to listen, then you have a decision to make. Is it worth it to stay in a marriage without a sexual connection? Does your wife know how serious this is?
I don't think it is that she doesn't care it is that she doesn't "get it" even though we have discussed it ad nauseum.
I am going to say this with kindness and heartfelt emotion.
They DO get it. They aren't stupid and they have mastery of the English language. They just don't want to. Been there done that with my husband and have "sucker" stamped on my forehead to prove it.
Until I stood up to my husband with 100% over the top self confidence that I deserved BETTER than his lame ass excuses nothing changed and nothing was ever going to change.
If he didn't want to have sex with me then I was damn sure going to find someone who did. Period end of story.
I am going to say this with kindness and heartfelt emotion.
They DO get it. They aren't stupid and they have mastery of the English language. They just don't want to. Been there done that with my husband and have "sucker" stamped on my forehead to prove it.
Until I stood up to my husband with 100% over the top self confidence that I deserved BETTER than his lame ass excuses nothing changed and nothing was ever going to change.
If he didn't want to have sex with me then I was damn sure going to find someone who did. Period end of story.
I am going to disagree a bit, because I think all too often, our words and are actions conflict with one another. By that I mean although we may say it is important, we continue to do all the loving things we always did when things were good. That communicates that while we would like it to change, it is not that important to us. It is the difference between getting chicken instead of steak versus not getting fed at all.
By pulling back, as the OP is considering, it makes actions consistent with the words. When the LD spouse approaches, you can then explain why you are pulling back to reinforce.
I am going to disagree a bit, because I think all too often, our words and are actions conflict with one another. By that I mean although we may say it is important, we continue to do all the loving things we always did when things were good. That communicates that while we would like it to change, it is not that important to us. It is the difference between getting chicken instead of steak versus not getting fed at all.
I agree whole heartedly with this. All of it. My words and actions absolutely conflicted with each other. It's hard to explain how I fixed this in one short post. I'd complain and even when nothing changed I was still a fabulous wife. I'd still look nice, was thin, worked out, clean the house, cook, the works. And it was all B.S. He got the message that life was just peachy by my ACTIONS so he followed that not my words.
It took getting my actions AND my words to match up before I saw real change.
I think they know why they don't want to have sex too. Maybe its to painful for her to tell you, but her actions are already doing that for her.
Some people are simply checked out of the marriage, enough to want to stay and reap the benefits of the other parts of the marriage, but checked out enough to not want to have the sexual part. You can talk to her all day long about how you feel, put your foot down etc, it may work may not. In the end you will have to decide what is truly a breaking point for you. Staying in hopes shes sees the light, or leaving and maybe giving yourself a possible shot at finding some kind of happiness.
This isn't something I came to easily. By the 3rd year of our marriage we were only having sex about once per month. He was nice about it and never nagged or fought with me over it. He would drop little hints about articles he read in men's health or how our sex life was when we first started sleeping together. It took ME sitting down and really going over things in my head to get it. How would I feel if he wasn't meeting my emotional needs? So I made kind of a pact with myself and with him. I AM going to initiate more often. I am NOT going to reject unless I have a valid reason. I AM going to try and have sex at least 3 times per week. I discussed this with my H and he has held me to it.
This is great Angel, and you should be proud about the fact that you were self aware enough to really look at the issue.
I do think this is the exception, not the rule. I think a lot of LD partners don't really *feel* that it is a big deal. I tell my wife all the time that I like pork for meals. I order it when we go out and I have mentioned it a number of times. So she goes ahead a never cooks it at home because she actively dislikes it.
So why, despite my all but saying it is a big deal does she do this? Because my actions clearly communicate that it is not a big deal. And the reality is that it is not a big deal so I don't make it one. So when I complained about our sex life (not as bad as you mention, but only about once ever 10-14 days), yet continued to do all the things that I had always done, I was foolish to expect a different reaction. For all my talk, I had effectively communicated that it was just not that big of a deal. I had to make changes at my end (both in bettering my self and in aligning my actions with my words) to get me wife to really *feel* that this was a big issue for me. She responded wonderfully and things are much better.
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Rejection double standard 
