General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have been married for 13 years. I have a 13 yr old son, 12 yr old daughter and a 10 yr old son. Here is a timeline of our marriage. For some reason I still love my wife, but there are times that it is very hard. I wish I didnt love her so that my decision would be easier to make.
During our first year of marriage I was going to put out the mail around christmas time and seen a letter already in the mailbox from my wife to an ex boy friend. It was a christmas card. She said that he had sent one to her so she decided she should send one back. Obviousely I decided to continue to move forward with our marriage although I was not happy about the chistmas card.
After our 3rd child my wife had to attend a funeral for an old highschool friend. I offered to go with her, but she did not want me to go. Not sure why she didnt want me to attend for support. After she came back from the funeral (which was late at night) I asked her how she was doing. She had told me that she went out with old friends after. Come to find out that one of the old friends was an old boyfriend. She ended up calling him over a dozen times the following week. She had also told me that she had made plans with old girlfriends for a shopping date. I found out by an email that came back with the wrong address that she was planning on meeting up with her old boyfriend. I told her if she wanted to stay married she needed to stop conversing with this guy.
everything had been going good for a few years when my wife was out of a job and I decided to get her a job at my work. This is about 6 years into our marriage. After working with my company for about 1.5 years I found out that my wife wrote an explicit email to another worker at my company. Actually it was an employee of mine. I confronted my wife and she apologized, but could not tell me why she wrote it. My wife was written up at work for the email.
A year later my wife was terminated from her job because she was overheard talking to other guys about having a threesome.
I decided to stay with my wife because we had 3 kids. Since this last instance I have not heard of any issues when it comes to fidelity.
My issue now is that my wife is very lazy. With her new company that she has worked with for approximately 4 years she ends up coming home later. So I am in charge of making dinner. I have no issue with this as I think it is fun to come up with different varieties of food for dinner.
resently I have noticed that my wife comes home eats dinner and then goes and sits on the couch to watch tv or read a book. I then clean up from dinner. When it comes to cleaning I have to start the cleaning and hope that she follows. Otherwise I have to complain before she does anything.
Her dad now has terminal cancer and her mom has had a stroke. I have thought about ending our marriage, but with 3 kids and her family issues I just cant do it.
Does anyone have any advice for me? My biggest issue right now is to get her to start doing housework. I cannot stand living in a messy house. I also am concerned about my kids. Should I stay married for the kids? We dont fight a lot, unless it is about house cleaning. As far as I know she does not have any extra corricular activities, but she has never been good as a housewife.
First: Sorry to hear you're going through this. Have you communicated all of this to your wife recently? If not, do so.
2nd: Your wife has most likely cheated on you many many many times without your knowledge. She has absolutely no respect for you, her marriage or even herself. Based on her history, she will probably never stop cheating.
3rd: You are one badly whipped "nice guy". This one is not your wife's fault. It's your problem. You have lost respect for yourself over the years and show no signs of the confidence and alpha-behavior that a well-balanced male needs to posses to lead a healthy life.
Read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and see a reflection of yourself.
I can guess your sex life with your wife has been less than satisfying over the years.
Your wife needs a massive wake-up call in every department.
Quote:
I cannot stand living in a messy house.
That's not true. You just can't stand not having the balls to outlast your wife in the abandonment of responsibilities. Give her what she's essentially advocating: A messy and disgusting house with no meals and less money to spend.
Also, try to re-evaluate your marriage and see if a lying, cheating wife is worth all the trouble. Again, she has no respect for you or your marriage. Do you want to live with that? It won't be easy at all.
Sorry, but I find he other two replys very harsh and unhelpful.
Unless you sit down and air all your grievances with your wife, do not make any assumptions and plans.
You have been together a long time, have 3 children and if she means anything to you you need to get to the core of the problem. I do not think DNA testing your children will help. You have raised those kids as yours( and most likely they are) and what good would it come out if you find out that maybe one is not yours? What about your child?
Talk to her, she might be talking about treesomes and sending explicit emails because she does not get enough sex in her marriage. You need to come to the bottom of it before you split the family.
As for the messy house, I have a friend who works, her husband works less hours and he does most of the housework. I would call not call her lazy, she just has different standard of cleanliness from me and after 8 hours in the office, who wants to cook dinner and clean up afterwards?
If you can afford it, get a cleaner and cook simple food that takes very little effort to prepare. Like this you can be on the couch with her asking her how her day was and giving her a cuddle.
And your kids are old enough to do chores. Get them to chop the vegetables, reward them with pocket money when they wash the dishes, clean their rooms, vacuum the lounge.... If all muck in, life for you would be easier.
Talk and spend time together, divorce is the last thing, the very last road after everything else has failed.
And lastly, do check why she is staying late at work as my husband was doing the same and he had an EA with a co-worker.
You seem like a nice guy, stay that way and work on your marriage.
You need to sit your wife down and have some serious discussions about everything---and they need to be weekly
If she doesn't like discussing, and she won't change, to better the mge., and equal the duties, then ask her if she would like to do everything---FOR HER SELF---as in DIVORCED
You are probably gonna have to harsh, but that is usually the only thing that will get you results, specially if she thinks she can control you---as she has been doing up to now.
As stated above---your wife probably has been cheating on you, and it could be happening now as we speak
Read up the various threads, about how to identify when a spouse has changed lifestyle, and time for coming home/going out, and is cheating, among many other tipoffs on a cheating spouse.
Your kids are not a reason to stay in a bad mge----If your wife is refusing to do her fair share, and is cheating---you need to seriously consider your options.
Sorry, but I find he other two replys very harsh and unhelpful.
Unless you sit down and air all your grievances with your wife, do not make any assumptions and plans.
You have been together a long time, have 3 children and if she means anything to you you need to get to the core of the problem. I do not think DNA testing your children will help. You have raised those kids as yours( and most likely they are) and what good would it come out if you find out that maybe one is not yours? What about your child?
Talk to her, she might be talking about treesomes and sending explicit emails because she does not get enough sex in her marriage. You need to come to the bottom of it before you split the family.
As for the messy house, I have a friend who works, her husband works less hours and he does most of the housework. I would call not call her lazy, she just has different standard of cleanliness from me and after 8 hours in the office, who wants to cook dinner and clean up afterwards?
If you can afford it, get a cleaner and cook simple food that takes very little effort to prepare. Like this you can be on the couch with her asking her how her day was and giving her a cuddle.
And your kids are old enough to do chores. Get them to chop the vegetables, reward them with pocket money when they wash the dishes, clean their rooms, vacuum the lounge.... If all muck in, life for you would be easier.
Talk and spend time together, divorce is the last thing, the very last road after everything else has failed.
And lastly, do check why she is staying late at work as my husband was doing the same and he had an EA with a co-worker.
You seem like a nice guy, stay that way and work on your marriage.
I don't think the replies were harsh. From the sounds of it, she has cheated, lied, and tried to keep things from him.
Unless he can get to the truth about the infidelity, everything else is a moot point.
I agree..... she has absolutely no respect for you or your family. No one, male or female, who cares about the well being of their kids, much less their spouse would be acting this way. Her treatment of you is not good for your kids to see either. How are they supposed to respect someone who doesn't respect themselves?
For both the benefit of you & your children, you need to talk to your wife. If need be, get MC If she's unwilling to get help for ALL of you then that would be your answer as to whether or not to stay in the marriage. A 'relationship' takes at least TWO to make it work. If she doesn't cooperate, then do you & your kids a favor and get out of it.
To answer one of your questions "Should I stay married for the kids?" The answer is no. You should stay married if you still love your wife and want to be with her. If you stay in a miserable marriage for the kid's sake, they will know and you will not be able to be a good father if you are so unhappy. If she has disrespected you this much, why do you still want to be with her?
You also need to get tested for STDs and so does she. I also agree that you should have the kids DNA tested to see how far the ceciet goe back.
I'm sorry but your wife is a serial cheater. She most likely will not stop. It's just a matter of time.
Your children are already old enough to help out around the house.
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Am I crazy 
