General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am not saying for one minute that masturbating is wrong or even looking at an attractive person going by is wrong, BUT the part I have the issue with is the secrecy about it all.
Last nite, we were watching Sex & the City - the episode where trey cant get it up with charlotte, so he looks at porn (magazines) so charlotte pastes her face all over the girls in the mag... So I say to him (in a non threatening way)...what is it with guys and porn...you are a guy, you have obviously watched it - what is it, does it turn you on or what? his reply: "Dont get it either, does nothing for me, I much rather the real thing"...HMMMMMMMMM LIES LIES LIES, (when I know for a fact he looks at it online practically daily) why lie about such an important thing...if you cant talk about sex with your partner, who can you?
the people who don't like it are in the right to not like it just as much as you are in the right to do like it. Don't push your views and beliefs on someone else!
Nobody is trying to push any beliefs on anyone else. This is a forum filled with different opinions. Those who don't have a problem with porn aren't trying to push anything, they're explaining why they don't see it as a threat. Hopefully it might even be insightful to hear why men/women watch porn and how little it means to some people, it's just a form of entertainment and nothing to feel threatened over.
People who don't like their spouse's watching porn are insecure, threatened etc? Probably. I used to be in my younger years, now I am very secure in my husbands love that it doesn't bother me. There may be other reasons. Religious beliefs, distaste of the profession etc. But I'd hazard a guess at people who don't want their spouse's watching porn would be in the majority of the fact that they see it as inappropriate in a relationship and some from feelings of insecurity and jealously. It's just a fact.
Is porn cheating? No.
Porn is watching TV, looking at a picture, or reading. Those things are not on a level of interacting with and actual person. If looking at porn on a TV is cheating, then a woman reading a book or watching a TV sitcom and and admiring a male character is cheating.
Is porn something a man uses to learn about sex? No, it is entertainment like any other form of entertainment. Men find sexual images entertaining and pleasurable.
I am not saying for one minute that masturbating is wrong or even looking at an attractive person going by is wrong, BUT the part I have the issue with is the secrecy about it all.
Last nite, we were watching Sex & the City - the episode where trey cant get it up with charlotte, so he looks at porn (magazines) so charlotte pastes her face all over the girls in the mag... So I say to him (in a non threatening way)...what is it with guys and porn...you are a guy, you have obviously watched it - what is it, does it turn you on or what? his reply: "Dont get it either, does nothing for me, I much rather the real thing"...HMMMMMMMMM LIES LIES LIES, (when I know for a fact he looks at it online practically daily) why lie about such an important thing...if you cant talk about sex with your partner, who can you?
OMG I would have busted him right then and there. Very matter of factly and calmly. Then I would have asked him why he can't tell the truth about it. Like you said, if you can't talk about sex (though you have it) with your partner, who can you?
People who don't like porn should not be called insecure, jealous or controlling by default. That's just sick...
If those same people (generally wives) are withholding sex, always got a headache, not tonight dear....I can see why the husbands feel as they do.
I don't care what anyone else does ...and I thank GOD me & my husband is on the same page...what a blessing ...unfortunately this is generally NOT THE CASE....... I have been plenty judged by the religious and the "proper" for what I like (Yeah, I am an ASS for telling some christian friends me & the hubby like a little porn sometimes, I might as well wear a T-shirt that says "JUDGE ME"! ....so it goes both ways.
I personally pity any men who is being refused in the bedroom and has a wife with that type of attitude. He'll just hide it from her anyway. Too many wives set their husbands up for this... in my opinion.
These things should be openly talked about before anyone marries to avoid the hell and judgement -on both sides.
I guess I don't understand how "lusting after another person" is, in itself, wrong.
Are you married?
Why would I want my spouse to look at another person having sex and then masturbating while that person is having sex?
When I'm with my spouse, why would I want him/her to be thinking of someone else?
lol Ridiculous. If you have fantasies in your head, that's awesome. But if you have to go watch sex on the tele and jerk off to it, that's rude...if your wife is ready to have sex with you.
I can't comment about sexless marriages. That doesn't apply to me. that changes the game a bit.
Nobody is trying to push any beliefs on anyone else. This is a forum filled with different opinions. Those who don't have a problem with porn aren't trying to push anything, they're explaining why they don't see it as a threat. Hopefully it might even be insightful to hear why men/women watch porn and how little it means to some people, it's just a form of entertainment and nothing to feel threatened over.
People who don't like their spouse's watching porn are insecure, threatened etc? Probably. I used to be in my younger years, now I am very secure in my husbands love that it doesn't bother me. There may be other reasons. Religious beliefs, distaste of the profession etc. But I'd hazard a guess at people who don't want their spouse's watching porn would be in the majority of the fact that they see it as inappropriate in a relationship and some from feelings of insecurity and jealously. It's just a fact.
I already am aware that this is a forum and people will have different opinions... I do agree with this 100%. However - that was never my point at all and I never said anything about this.
You are saying that the people who don't have a problem with porn are only explaining why they don't see it as a threat, but, this is not true - meaning not everybody is doing things as you say. I was only talking about the people that are in fact calling others that don't like porn "jealous", "insecure" and "controlling" by default even in cases in which the wife is not withholding sex from the husband. that_girl is a person that does not believe in porn for her relationship, however, by what I have read from her she seems to be pretty secure in her relationship. She does not seem to be jealous or controlling at all. And that is what I was saying. That people should not be judged by DEFAULT in the same exact ways when they don't like porn.
You, however, are in fact being reasonable because you are pointing out that there are many different reasons for people not liking porn, and you are saying thing like "probably" and "the majority"... so you are not including everybody in the same boat.
Simply Amorous: I agree with you in the fullest. I think its selfish for a wife to fight about her husband viewing porn when she is not giving him sex. It does not make any sense.
And, I totally get you about the judgmental attitude of some religious people. I have been judged myself. The church that I used to go to has 5,000+ memebers that attend and the pastor told us all that if your mouth waters when you see a yummy burger, it is LUST! And that lust is wrong! OMG. My mouth has watered so many times in my lifetime when I see food and I cant believe that they would see it as sin. They said that if it happens that your mouth waters when you see a burger, you should not buy it. Instead, get the thing in the menu that does not make your mouth water. LOL. So, if they think "lusting" after a yummy burger is wrong, you can only imagine what they think about porn.
If I told some religious people that I know, that me and my husband watch porn, I would get judged immensely. I am not ashamed of it though. So, if they ask or if the opportunity is there, I would actually have the guts to say that me and my husband do watch porn and we enjoy it. However, its sad to say that because of how much me and my husband have been oppressed by religion, we no longer go to church. We are not religious and we don't believe on anything specifically.
We are free now and believe what we want. Our relationship is amazing and we are happy with things just the way they are.
Why would I want my spouse to look at another person having sex and then masturbating while that person is having sex?
When I'm with my spouse, why would I want him/her to be thinking of someone else?
lol Ridiculous. If you have fantasies in your head, that's awesome. But if you have to go watch sex on the tele and jerk off to it, that's rude...if your wife is ready to have sex with you.
I can't comment about sexless marriages. That doesn't apply to me. that changes the game a bit.
I think you missed my point.
When I see a pretty girl, I "lust" after her. I feel an immediate urge that is not subject to my conscious control.
If you're saying it's always wrong to masturbate if you've got a willing spouse, I understand that as a consistent position. It strikes me as a bit controlling but it's consistent.
But once we go down the road of "It's okay to masturbate but...."
I start getting curious.
Is it okay to masturbate, but only if the fantasies in your head do not include people other than your wife? To what extent is that under our control?
Is it okay to have fantasies about people other than your wife, just not while you're masturbating?
Is it okay to masturbate and imagine other people - see them in your mind's eye - but not see them with your actual eyes? That is, I can think about what Tera Patrick (a porn star) looks like but I can't actually look at her while masturbating?
Same question goes for that hot secretary at work or whatever - I can imagine what she looks like with her clothes off, but can't take a look at the company photo before jerking off?
Is it okay for me to imagine other women while having sex with my wife?
What if I just "see" other women in my head while we're in the act - I can't suppress them?
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I'm fine with people saying that porn is wrong. I'm wondering *what* is wrong with it.
I don't understand the "lusting after other people" angle - I don't know how I can help it that I think Salma Hayek is attractive and have an urge when I see her. I can avoid looking at her by avoiding movies that she's in.
But how can I truly rid my world of the possibility of finding other women attractive?
You might think this is me being ridiculous. But I'm serious: if the problem with porn is that it involves men lusting after other women, you've got to tell me how I can permanently avoid lusting after other women without locking me in a closet or blindfolding me. If the "lusting after other women" is morally incorrect, then I am guilty of something I don't choose.
(Again, "purposefully going out of one's way to lust after other women is wrong" is a different statement. But that doesn't seem to be what's really going on here.)
My concern where porn is concerned is that, in my situation, porn is a possible gateway to him wanting more than what he has at home.
He is watching porn with girls barely out of highschool...I am 33 years old with 2 kids, physically I can't compete with them. If he watches that enough, I am afraid he is going to get dissatisfied with me and try to find him some 19 year old real life porn.
Our problems come from the fact that he already did once. She was 22, it was last summer and even though we are working through things, anything sex related where that doesn't involve me is a trigger...especially when he watches porn and jerks off. I feel like not only did I share him with another woman without my knowledge, now I am sharing him with porn. I only get 50% of his sexual urges and the other 50% he dedicates to those nasty *****s that bleach their asses to pay for their college tuition.
I am more than willing to take care of him anytime and any place. Sometimes he chooses porn rather than be with me. That is my problem with it.
My concern where porn is concerned is that, in my situation, porn is a possible gateway to him wanting more than what he has at home.
He is watching porn with girls barely out of highschool...I am 33 years old with 2 kids, physically I can't compete with them. If he watches that enough, I am afraid he is going to get dissatisfied with me and try to find him some 19 year old real life porn.
Our problems come from the fact that he already did once. She was 22, it was last summer and even though we are working through things, anything sex related where that doesn't involve me is a trigger...especially when he watches porn and jerks off. I feel like not only did I share him with another woman without my knowledge, now I am sharing him with porn. I only get 50% of his sexual urges and the other 50% he dedicates to those nasty *****s that bleach their asses to pay for their college tuition.
I am more than willing to take care of him anytime and any place. Sometimes he chooses porn rather than be with me. That is my problem with it.
And this is a huge problem, and he does it to himself. You can't control 'lust'..even so, lusting after someone is creepy. Admire, have a brief thought of "oh yea" but to lust after a stranger? lol. Ok But this woman's husband chooses to sit down, turn on the porn and take away from his wife.
Not ok. And he is loooking at much younger women which is insulting to his wife, the mother of his children. Lame.
I dont think its a big deal if they are looking at magazines or stills, but when you get into live video, you are interacting with another person, and its very destructive to a relationship....just do not understand why someone would do that. I have attempted a conversation (several times) about it, and he denies it, lies about it, then goes and does it the next day....so frustrating, because I know its going on and cannot get him to open up about it.
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Re: Porn - is it cheating? 
But this woman's husband chooses to sit down, turn on the porn and take away from his wife.
