Charmlady

This is a two part question -- part 1 for the ladies....if you found out your guy was visiting porn sites daily, then erasing browsing history (so you wouldnt find out), do you consider this cheating or is it just a few steps away from cheating? Part 2 - for the guys -- is this an addiction or just the way you "learn" by watching others?

YinPrincess

I actually do consider it cheating, for one reason, first and foremost: I have specifically stated that I believe it isn't acceptable in a relationship (with me). There are plenty of other women who accept and even enjoy it, without violating my boundaries within a relationship. Of course, this has come up in my marriage a few times and caused way more grief for the both of us. I guess when you accept someone's apology you assume it won't happen again, but it always does. I believe it to be an underlying issue of respect and personal integrity... Especially when lying and deception are secondary issues.
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CandieGirl

While I don't consider it cheating, it is a betrayal. For me, any kind of betrayal is devastating to the marriage...my husband has been guilty of this before, along with other small betrayals. (what he considered small).

It's a fine line!

synthetic

- It's not the same as cheating
- It's an addiction and nothing else.
- It destroys a man's real sex life and potentially marriage

that_girl

In my marriage, it is cheating. Even if we knew about it, it would be cheating. That's how we see it.

However, the hiding/sneaking/lying about porn (or anything really) is cheating, Imo....even if the spouse wouldn't mind what you're doing.

If you have to hide it or feel shame about it, you probably shouldn't do it.

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CallaLily

Does he know where you stand on porn? If he knows you don't care for it or if you have made it plainly clear to him you don't wish to find that kind of thing, and he does it anyway, then that betrayal. Keep in my mind if he knew, and did it anyway, then thats also a disrespect to you, so know that he will likely do that in other areas of the relationship not just with porn. It might be best to think about why you remain with him if thats the case.

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In_The_Wind

Men tend to be visual hence Porn popularity. Myself I am not into it consider it a form of explotiation, I would rather have my spouse pose for me. One of the driving forces of the internet was/is porno look at all the sites and how many find themselves addicted to it and the money that it brings in, My first ex was a high class stripper in dallas (Ricks) if their is such a thing and she could never overcome the damage that lifestyle tends to do to woman having witnessed this first hand devastation and what it does to the family unit i am totally against myself.

Lionelhutz

I don't think it is cheating but as others have said it can be a breach of trust if you have spoken about it beforehand. If there is other sexual problems in the marriage such as refusal, then my own view is the refusing spouse doesn't get to veto solo sexual activities.


As for part 2, I don't think it is necessarily either. It is not always addictive. And it almost never "just the way you "learn" by watching others". I hadn't heard that one before. I guess if sex ed is really the object, you should be watching it together

Gratitude

It really depends. If it's daily, that can be a little extreme. He's probably hiding it so I wouldn't get upset and start fighting. Porn sites to me are not cheating. Live chats to real people, yes. Looking at pictures or videos of actors, no. When I was younger I used to dislike it. Now I don't care. As long as it's not over the top and interfering in our relationship. My husband looks occasionally, he doesn't need to hide it. Porn doesn't make me insecure.

I don't know about other men, but I don't think my husband goes there to "learn". Certainly not addicted. It's purely a visual stimulation.

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Mistys dad

What about the 30% of visits to porn sites by women?

Or are you just going to make this another "all men" bash?

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The first question should always be, "If it's that bad, why are you still there?

OK, you screwed up, it happens. Now apologize. But apologize just once. Make it loud, clear, short, to the point, and directly to those you trespassed against. Then move on.

Tiberius

Found this answer from a psychotherapist:

Answer: Up to a point, porn is for men what looking through fashion magazines is for women. You can look without buying something. You just enjoy seeing what's out there. It rarely means that the guy is thinking of cheating. In many cases, it's a substitute for cheating because it satisfies his needs for new experiences.

But there is one big difference between porn for men and fashion magazines for women. Women don't masturbate when they read fashion magazines. We may salivate, but not masturbate. Never believe a man if he says he looks at porn but never masturbates while doing so.

So here's the real question: Is it cheating if a guy you're in a relationship with masturbates?

Yes, it is cheating if it makes you uncomfortable — at least to the extent that it's worth the two of you talking about it. You can say, "The fact that you masturbate makes me feel very uncomfortable because it feels like cheating to me. To me, it's cheating if you have sex with anyone other than me."

Now you should have a calm, open, honest discussion. He might say that most men masturbate from time to time (which is absolutely true) and that it doesn't feel to him like cheating at all. (Don't believe him if he says that he "thinks about you" while he's doing it, though.) You should definitely talk about his sexual needs and about yours, as well.

And then it's up to you to decide what to do about this. A word to the wise, though. If you lay down the law about something that you have absolutely no control over and absolutely no way to monitor, how is that helpful to either of you? It just drives communication between you underground.

I would take your partner's looking at porn seriously if 1) he spends a lot of time doing it;
2) he spends a lot of money doing it; 3) he gets a lot of weird stuff in his head that makes you uncomfortable when you make love, perhaps because of things he asks you to do; or 4) he doesn't make love to you because he's used up his sexual energy masturbating.

If any of these things are the case, you need to draw a firm, bright line in the sand. If it looks at all as though he's addicted to porn, then you need to insist that the two of you consult a couples therapist.

Love Song

I would only consider this cheating under 2 circumstances. One it was previously discussed that neither party would engage in porn or two he was watching live porn and was visiting the same "porn star" frequently.

I certainly wouldn't like being lied to about it. But unless he did it under those two circumstances I would not personally consider it cheating.

What about it specifically upsets you? That he lied or that he was doing it?

that_girl

I see no man bashing

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Lionelhutz

I agree, maybe implied by the sexually specific nature of the question, but nothing to cause offence

Mistys dad

Or discussion from the point of view that women visit porn sites too.

__________________
The first question should always be, "If it's that bad, why are you still there?

OK, you screwed up, it happens. Now apologize. But apologize just once. Make it loud, clear, short, to the point, and directly to those you trespassed against. Then move on.