DanglingDaisy

While I am a new member to this site, I have been in a relationship with my common law partner for 14yrs. We have three children together. I'm 35yrs and my partner is 42.

*When my husband and I first met in 1997,he had erectile/sexual issues from abusing anti-depressants/and alcohol in the past. His sexual desires were stagnant for several years-which I patiently waited to return over time. Unfortuntely I ended up gaining 80lbs and stopped seeing myself as a sexual person since he was never interested and we were raising two young children then.*

Go forward 10 years. I worked hard to become the lean sexy woman I was when we met(From 200lbs down to 116lbs) -I was hoping he would rejoice in a healthy sexual relationship with me..although he was turned on by me being slim and attractrive-it turned out his sexual fantasy of me being with other guys(never something I ever fantasized or wanted) became his obsession. To the point that I felt betrayed and hurt he couldn't enjoy being with me alone.

*Instead of putting my foot down and saying NO WAY...I gave in(so he thought)-he wanted me to sleep with other men with him around-I decided to go off myself(he was left babysitting the kids)-while I never physically cheated, I did go on dates and made friends. He would ask..I would lie about the sexual part thinking(quite stupidly!) that eventually he would get bored of the fantasy.

The reason why I need opinions on this messed up situation,is that his fantasy is still rampant. I've told him how heartbroken this stuff is considering how much I hated my father(who ran away with the babysitter)for cheating on my mother. My idea of being with your life long partner is love and devotion-and it seems in trying to get him to love me for me,I've lost a lot of my love and respect for him in the process...

Where do I go from here?

Love Song

Tell him that's not the type of marriage you want to have and he cant have it both ways.

savannah

I agree with Love Song, be honest and tell her that's not for you necessarily. You cannot always go with what your partner prefers.. on many levels... he needs to know what you are feeling about this, so tell him exactly how you feel.

Hope1964

Just say NO. Tell him you had hoped he would grow out of this weirdness, but since he has not, you are not going to stand for it any longer.

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DanglingDaisy

I have told him how I feel and how much that type of sexual fantasy doesn't help our relationship-it's actually hurt things.

The part I really don't understand is how a husband can say he
loves his wife, when he's fantasizing her with other men and wants to act that out? How does that play into love and respect?

I never should have made it seem like I was cheating..I did something out of desperation to get the intimacy and sex I craved for years! I *thought* by losing all the weight we could enjoy a great sex life together. I was devastated to find out his ideal woman was still not good enough

I've accepted my errors-and now wonder how couples(men please pipe in here!) deal with their sexual issues?

DanglingDaisy

Truth is, I'm feeling very disappointed in my marriage-this is actually just one of the issues I've battled along with...

1)My partner always talked bad about me to family,friends and coworkers.

Case in point-last summer he convinced his brother to fork over 3k to fly him and our kids to an aunt's wedding. He told his brother he had no money to go 'cause he -believed I was abusing drugs! Reality was he never tried to save up for the trip,and then had last minute regrets) HE decided his parents would babysit the kids for the summer..and that *I* would use all my vacation time just to greyhound there to pick them up and greyhound them back 2 days straight. He NEVER showed remorse for that either. He got what he wanted again. When he got back from the trip...I told him to call his family and tell them the truth-this was the LAST TIME I tolerated his ego boosting lying to make me look bad!!


2)I got a job in the same office(2 different dept's) as him a couple years ago...was told to keep our relationship a secret by HR-which was funny,'cause I found out he was flirting with several women at work(they knew he was in a committed relationship). A couple got very catty with me,thinking I was competition.. The part about this was that I felt so betrayed by my partner. I just realized now that he must have wanted me to sleep with other men to squash his lust for other women...Thankfully he took a better paying job in a different department...it was heart wrenching and enbarrassing to work in the same office(I NEVER KNEW he was doing it before working with him)....

3)When we first got together, we were both co-dependant on one another. Through the years, he's gotten controlling,having issues with anger management,sexual fantasies,flirting etc.While I've been working hard at being more self sufficient-dealing with my lack of self worth, standing up for myself in relationships with family/friends that wasn't good for me,getting into better health and working at being more the person I want to be.

4)He always egotistically insisted he's done a lot around the house-yet I have always had to do all the laundry,cutting grass,cleaning the yard(shovelling snow),indoor painting or repairs,grocery shopping,housework...I'm lucky if he does dishes more than once a week...reality IS he has always been lazy and self serving. I'm now standing up for myself-and the part he hates? Is that I REFUSE to let him think I believe his crappola any more.

This is why I believe his "anger" is getting out of control. I refuse to let his tantrums get in the way of what I want and need in the marriage even though his up and down states are driving me absolutely bonkers.

Man I swear I'm dating a teenager!

Complexity

I swear I could never understand these cuckold husbands. You have a smoking hot woman on your arm so you fantasise about other men screwing her, good giref

Sounds like he's a masochist or something.

sisters359

Sounds like you need to print out your concerns and show it to him--perhaps with the additon of a statement such as, "This is why I am thinking of leaving." Insist that you start Marriage Counseling (mc) and perhaps the therapist will see enough to encourage him to start individual counseling, too--which you should do for yourself. He has issues, and while you have grown, you still have thinngs to work out.

It's really hard to stay in a relationship with someone who does not seem to mature. When you feel you are in a relationship with a child/teen, that's what it usually means--but then, be sure to get a reality check on your own growth from an outsider! Your H may well think you are the one who has not grown--and we can't really say anything b/c although you seem to have grown, we have only your words to base it on, and you could be deluding yourself, too. That's why indi. counseling is important, as well as the mc

2nd_t!me iz_best

he doesnt in my opinion.

i dont see how any man can claim to love a woman then expect her to do this.

it just boggles my mind.

hisfac

Let me get this straight.

Your commonlaw husband wants you to screw other guys in front of him, that's his ultimate fantasy, correct?

You aren't into that so you placate him by.. let me get this straight.. going on dates with other guys, "making friends with them", not screwing them, yet coming home to him while he's been babysitting the kids all night, and lying to him by telling him you screwed these guys you were out on dates with? This somehow satisfies his fantasy of watching you have sex with guys?

There's something really "screwy" about this story.

I'm thinking its more along the lines of "my husband doesn't turn me on sexually so I went out and dated other guys and screwed them and now I feel guilty about cheating on him" and I'm looking for advice without admitting what I really did.

Entropy3000

I can't believe you actually went on dates. UFB.

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Bobby5000

I'd probably leave and try to form a normal life.

jnj express

You are common law---so you probably can walk easier than those with a piece of paper saying they are married

Your so called H, controls you, and you allow it

Time to get in his face, and let him know what it is that you want, and tell him, if he can't provide it---than you WILL be moving on immediately

Make him face a little reality-----and while you are at it, get some self respect back---he has beaten you down to the point where you think you are little more than nothing

You are just as F'ing good as he is---AND LET HIM THE F KNOW IT.

AllThePrettyHorses

Your common-law husband:

- has had a sexual dysfunction and there was no sex in the marriage for years (Recipe for permanent resentment)
- has told people you abuse drugs, and generally bad-mouthed you to the closest people in his life (which is interesting especially because he used to be a drinker, correct?)
- has openly carried on dubious flirty relationships with women at his job while convincing you to keep the relationship you two have under the radar
- now wants you to have sex with other men
- is controlling, abusive, and has self-esteem issues
- is lazy around the house to the extent that you manage all chores alone


Just in case it hasn't been covered yet, could you explain to me why you would want to stay with someone like him?
When you said you felt like you were dating a teenager, you said a mouthful there.

DanglingDaisy

Thank you for your feedback

Let me make it clear,I've never physically cheated on my partner NOR have I ever wanted to. I do feel guilty that I deceived him into believing I did in order to bring us closer.

I felt at a crossroad at that point. I was trying to find a happy medium-he either didn't hear,or cared to hear I wasn't interested...so I thought what now?

Once his impotence from the early days wasn't an issue(it took about five years to bounce back)...I find out from talking to him that he had always carried a huge amount of guilt towards masturbations and sex. We spent many years working on that one too-him picking fights days after we're together-finding out that the fight had to do with his guilt and reflecting his anger off of me for it. When that issue had eventually been worked out...then it was finding out he was flirting with coworkers-before the whole fantasy of me being with other men cropped up.

He stated shortly after talking about the fantasy that he found me more attractive thinking other men wanted me,and that there was a perceived risk of losing me. So this is where I decided to indulge him-make him believe he could lose me. At that point he changed his mind on the whole idea.

It's cropped up again...and I have a belief that after finding out he's big into flirting,that his fantasy probably has more to do with his wanting to run off with another woman without the guilt complex.

I've always been attracted to my partner. I always loved his charisma and energy as well. I take responsibility for not always being a hottie for him through having three kids and being pregnant 10 times. I own the fact that I have not always been 100% supportive or mature in ways I could have been for him as well.