Hunger

I am 26 years old and have been married for 8 months to a man that I have been with for almost 5 years. We have no children and just purchased a home 6 months ago. My husband is a wonderful man. He is caring, thoughtful, a great provider (hunter and fisherman), and a very hard worker. We have always gotten along well, and he has done and would do anything to make me happy. We have a nice lifestyle, always have fun on the weekends with friends, go on vacations, out for dinners; he buys me /picks me/grows me flowers all the time; etc. Above all, I know that he is incredibly in love with me. He is 28 and has only been with one woman before me. I know that many women are drawn to my husband because he is such a strong, honest, and attractive man. He has all of the qualities any woman would love to have in a husband. He is even very affectionate. Still wants to hold my hand everywhere we go and kisses and cuddles me every morning. If I was an outsider looking at our relationship,I would think that it was a perfect fairytale marriage. Since the moment we met… and after about 2 weeks of spending every waking moment together, he expressed his love to me and I told him I loved him back although I didn't feel that "in love" or I guess connection/spark I have with others in the past. I felt like our relationship was moving very quickly however I continued to stay with him and not slow things down because I felt very loved/comfortable/safe with him. We have never really connected sexually, but when our relationship began we did have sex often. It was never that "oh my gosh i have to have you" type of sex... more like “it’s exciting because it is new” type. Over time, our sexual relationship has become worse and worse. Well I should say that maybe just for me it seemed worst. My husband has always told me that he is always turned on by me and always wants to make love; however I don’t ever feel the need to make love to him. Really the only times I throw myself at him or really want to have sex is when I am drinking or half asleep and he wakes me up. Shortly after we got engaged, I started to feel like this was wrong, but I didn't know if it was the wedding gitters that everyone refers to, or if I was really and truly unhappy. I just always felt like there was something missing. It’s hard to explain the way I feel sometimes because we always spend time together and enjoy being around each other. We are like best friends. Everybody (family/friends) thinks that we are so happy… in fact my husband is always happy as well… but for me something has always been missing. Always has been and I am now starting to realize that I feel like I have just blown off how I truly feel because our life is so normal and pleasant I guess. I don’t know.

About a month ago I met another man and pursued him. I felt so unbelievably attracted to this man not only physically but emotionally. I feel like since the moment I met this man he has drawn me closer and closer to him in such a different way that I have ever experienced. I feel like it is more of an all-over stimulating type of attraction if that makes any sense. Mind.body.soul. The type of connection I feel like I have always wanted in a man. Long story short, I had an affair with this man. I pursued him and I got him. I have never in my life cheated on someone or felt like such a dishonest person. All the lies and deceits that went into pursuing and getting this person are so incredibly wrong. I know this. I told my husband about the affair and we have been working on it ever since. For a few weeks it was very difficult to cut off the connection with the other man but I finally realized that in order make things right with my husband I could not be contacting this other man. The problem is that now that this is happened, all of these feelings that I have blown off our entire relationship has come to the forefront. It has now gotten to the point where I am completely miserable when I should be there to comfort my husband through this EXTREMELY hurtful traumatic event that I caused. I am starting to think that maybe what happened was inevitable because of the way I have been feeling about our relationship the entire time. I always found myself looking outside of our relationship by thinking (sometimes reaching out) to other men; ex boyfriends, previous crushes, guys I work with, etc. I don’t even know what to think or do now. After the affair we instantly started seeing a MC together and individually and have been seeing her for about 3 weeks now. My husband is still in shambles and I feel like I have emotionally divorced him. I constantly find myself thinking to myself "I love him and care about him, but I do not want to spend the rest of my life with him." I think "I could be so much happier than this" and " I wish that he was not my husband, I made a mistake." It is like I have mentally and physically checked out of the relationship. I have told him how I feel and he is committed to doing everything he can to fix things. He says that he will do whatever it takes and that he doesn't want to lose me. He gets on his knees constantly and begs me whule crying not to leave him and tells me that he will change to become a better husband... but that is not it. He is a wonderful husband and man. I feel so sad all of the time. I don't want to hurt him. We have a life together; a new home, our families have become extremely close, but I just feel sad all of the time. I find myself excited to go to work, keeping myself somewhat busy after work, and not very emotionally there for him when I am at home… although we still will do dinner and cuddle on the couch together every night. When I am with him, I just wish I were someplace else, and when I am not with him, I feel tremendous guilt for not feeling like I want to be with him. I look back on my wedding day and feel sick. We had such a beautiful (& expensive) outdoor wedding that all of our friends and family witnessed. Our honeymoon was also very beautiful and relaxing…. We camped on several islands for about 9 days and stayed in bed and breakfasts half the time. I am so worried and scared that I will never love him as much as he loves me and I feel like all I do is continue to hurt him because I express to him how I am feeling. He is a man worth loving. An incredible man. I feel like I should end my marriage, but I am so scared. Does anyone have any advice for me?

Lon

Upon seeing the title ILYBINILWY I of course assumed some OM, after reading halfway through the first paragraph it was confirmed for me (before even seeing the start pf paragraph 2). In fact I can't even finish reading paragraph 2.

The strong strong correlation:

1. ILYBINILWY - check
2. an OM - check

Maybe people should stop saying ILYBINILWY and then problems stemming from having an OM would never even exist.

OP, once it is revealed their is an OM all your words (except for those about owning up to your own choices in life) lose all credibility. on TAM we all understand about rewriting the marital history, we know all about the fog of neurochemicals and how it affects our perception, enables cheaters to shift blame so guiltlessly. We understand about how your affair has completely colored your view of your H, how it has made him hopelessly unnattractive.

Please, the best thing you can do is send him to this site so we can explain to him how others have felt like he is feeling right now, what he can do to let you go or if he wants to fight give him a strategy to give him a chance to make your affair inconvenient and get you out of your fog and how he can man up and do a 180 on you.

Hunger

I understand the cliche in ILYBINILWY. I have heard it before and don't believe it. I just thought it was a good subject for what is going on.

I also get the whole re-writing history, but I know for a fact that everything I wrote about before I met the OM was true. I did not just make it up and start re-writing our history due to the affair.

Complexity

Do him a favour and file for divorce yourself. No one should endure this torture. As you said, there are plenty of lonely women out there dreaming of a man like your husband. There's no point leading him on any further.

Hopefull363

Can you separate while continuing the MC? I feel so sorry for your husband. He has to live with the affair and the fact that you don't love him. Maybe separation will give him time to realize that not only did you check out of the marriage you never checked in. He should try some IC for himself as well. He deserves the right to find someone else that will love him as much as he can love them. Talk to the MC about how to separate from him so he can move on.

I agree with the above about him doing the 180. It will help him get ready for life with out you.

seeking sanity

Hunger, what you'll find on a board like this is that most of us have heard some many version of your story, it's pathetic.

It comes down to this:

Reconciliation is worth it if there is a) a long marriage to preserve, AND b) children.

Reconciliation is not worth it when it's a short marriage and you are young.

You met a guy with better game than your husband and you've attached some meaning to that. If the roles were reversed, and it was your husband on this board posting how he met someone who got him hornier, you'd probably agree it is best to end it and allow you to pursue a better life without him. Sorry.

growtogether

Hello
waaoow...How can you do that :S I would be able to stay with a man juste because I feel bad when your heart is somewhere else... We can truly see where you want to be.
It looks like you feel guilty to make a move. Your families are closes, your wedding day comes back in your mind to make you feel bad,.... You can have a beautiful life, a life that you want. What need to happen to get there? How can you feel good about the choice you want to make?
I can see that your husband is in love with you in your word, but is he really? Is he more in love with the fact to be in love? How can you love somebody when that someone wants to be somewhere else...Is it because he doesn't want to be alone? Is it why he get on his knees?
Yup, I would think about all that...

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Lon

You don't understand it from the point of view from the betrayed, when you are on the other side of the equation you just can't ignore it, it is so obvious.

No you seem to acknowledge a bunch of positive traits your H has, but you have rewritten your emotional history (I guarantee it). Now I don't think most DS ever truly come around to seeing it this way but regardless it would be interesting to challenge you to come back and reread this in 2-3 years from now.

Hunger

Thanks for the input. :/

Complexity

Oh and another thing Hunger, regarding the other man. You really think this guy is relationship material? I mean, he is cheating with a married woman.....how could the either of you trust each other if you do decide to embark on a relationship? He in parity will never consider you to be relationship material either. Because let's get real here, they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

River1977

I strongly agree with this statement and not only that the guy has better game, but he also has more charisma.

But, I strongly disagree with this statement. My opinion is you definitely would NOT want to end the marriage. Him having an affair would be a serious and traumatic blow to your ego and would cause you to have a dramatic change of heart.

For once, I don't want to come down hard and judgmental on a wayward spouse because I think I kind of know how you feel. This is, of course, based on the assumption that you have not rewritten the history of your feelings although I would be more willing to bet you have. Nevertheless, as a woman, I am going to try to place myself in your shoes.

I think this is prime example of what a lot of people talk about on this board, particularly the men. Yet, faced with evidence and outcome of what they preach to other men, they're not exactly willing to even recognize they probably have been right all the long. I, myself, don't agree with them every time or on all points of issue, but (wagging my tail) I have to commend them for getting this one right. This point of issue, I mean.

What I'm trying to say is your husband is TOOOO INTO you for you to be able to accept that you are worthy of his love, for you to have any respect for him, or for you to be able to love him deeply as you seem to seek from other men. (By the way, I don't believe this guy was your only affair.) That is a sad and dreadful fact of womanhood, most unfortuantely. If you knew that the number one complaint by women on this board (and all the boards like it) are how badly their husband treats them - horribly badly by anyones' standards - you'd have to wonder why they need this group of unprofessional strangers to tell their idiot arses to leave the jerk. Yet, they stay......they love him still......are still very deeply in love with him and can't seem to tear themselves away from the abuse or the abuser. Not once have I ever read from a woman with these kinds of complaints say she had an affair. Never once. Not one time. Zip. Zero. Zilch. You might even be surprised to know they don't appreciate us or anyone calling him the sick/sad jerk that he is. They come to his defense faster than your heart beats. They also don't appreciate us or anyone telling them to leave him. They simply.....don't.....leave. So, what does that tell me/you?

Here you are with the man of every woman's dreams (obviously not), and not only are you not in love with him, but you don't want him. You want all the other men. You don't want to be married to him anymore. You want all the other men. You are thinking about divorce. And, you want all the other men. You tell us in one breath how wonderful he is ,how devoted to you he is, and how much he loves you and in the next breath, you tell us that you've done this god awful thing to him and your marriage. And what is more? You don't even care. All you can think about is yourself and how you feel.

Well, this is the flip side if ever I have seen it.

And I have seen it because I have been you before. We all have. All women that is, or most of us at least (not that we all had the poor taste of having an affair or the poor judgment of marrying a man we didn't love.) We don't want the nice guy. We are not attracted from deep within to the great guy who is good TO us and FOR us.....no matter how good looking he is. We women are generally attracted to strong and powerful men with emphasis on "strong." This other man you like could probably take you or leave you, and that's why you like him. That he's not all into you like your husband is, makes your desire stronger. I'm not talking about sexual desire although it comes down to that. I'm talking your need to BE desired. And every woman needs to be desired by a strong and self-confident man, or she doesn't feel worthy.

If your husband had an affair, you'd be shocked he actually had the nerve. You'd be hurt and practically go out of your mind to learn he could actually desire someone who is not you. And guess what, you'd fall deeply in love with him then and scared shaking in your boots that he might leave you. He would have your respect then, which would make you feel worthy and make you feel he is worthy of you. Right now, that is your problem. You don't feel worthy of his love because you haven't earned or suffered for it, so you think you are too good for him. He is not strong and self-confident enough to win you. I'm nor saying he has to beat you or otherwise mistreat you for you to feel worthy or for you to want him. I'm saying your husband lacks the qualities that stem from those same traits that produce the brutal aspects of his ego.

The guys here talk about alpha male, beta male, and a combination of both. They also talk about Married Man Sex Life and The MAP. You will do yourself and your husband a great justice to introduce him to the website in that link. You husband needs to do something to make you fall in love with him and how to become the type of man a woman needs. Like I said, if he had an affair, you would fall madly in love with him and hold on to your marriage for dear life. You are wrong as wrong can be for having any affairs at all and for thinking the grass is greener elsewhere. You are young (I can tell, no offense) and full of ideas and ideals, but you will live to sorely regret not appreciating what you have in him after a few hard knocks and the expensive lessons you pay for in life kick your butt a few times. You will end up hating yourself for destroying him and destroying your marriage. Give him the opportunity, the tools, and the freedom to learn and grow, and you'll have every man you want in YOUR man. Also because you are young, you think he is supposed to know how you feel, what you're thinking, and what you need and expect from a man. But, he does not know, and you make a mistake to think he can read your mind. You make a mistake thinking any man can and that any others are better than him.

If he does not rock your world in bed, then you both need to work on that also. There are many websites, books, and videos (not porn) that can help him in the areas of prowess and technique. From what you stated, I'm thinking that more than anything he is just inexperienced. You will gain a lot more respect for him and admiration, too.

You are making an horrible mistake. You may divorce your husband thinking that you want to be in love with someone and that being in love is so great. Well, it is, but the grass is not always greener.

Please don't find yourself thinking in 5 or 10 years "I should have listened to the lady on that marriage website." Stop making your mistakes right now and listen. You won't regret it. Besides, what could it possibly hurt? What have you to lose by listening right now?

Finally, stop thinking about yourself and feeling sorry for yourself. Feel some remorse for your husband's sake and give him a deep and heartfelt apology and promise to give him and your marriage a real chance. You OWE him that.

Hunger

Hi.

I know deep down that I truly love my husband. I have always loved him. We have built such a strong friendship over the past few years that we just love spending time together. It’s the romantic connection that I guess I have always been missing. My H says that he has always had that “in love” romantic feeling for me which I am sure because he does everything he can for me and is always so loving… maybe I just take it for granted. Who knows…. :/ He also tells me that I always turn him on and always wants to make love to me, but he doesn’t instigate anything. I believe that actions speak louder than words. You can tell me you want me all the time but yet you don’t try so it doesn’t seem like you really do. He blames it on working hard and constantly being tired which I get but come on…. The only times we really have sex is on the weekends after going out with friends and having a few drinks. That could be entirely my fault as well since I don’t feel that sexual attraction/connection with him. It’s almost like everything else in our life is perfect except for that aspect.

I guess what you are saying could be true. My H could be more in love with the fact of being in love. Ever since this happened we sit down and talk almost every night about our feelings and try to think of things that could help us move forward to get through this and I feel like we continue to go in circles. He keeps telling me that he just wants his wife back. He was expressing to me last night that he was always so proud to show me off to his friends and family…. He even brought up the term his trophy wife…..which immediately when someone says that it makes me think that he is showing off my appearance. I asked him if he meant that he likes to show me off because I am good looking?...and he said it was because he was always so proud of how much I love him no matter what he does. Honestly that made no sense to me…. Not when you mention “trophy wife”. I don’t know.. I am probably looking into everything too much. Lately my mind has been non-stop going.

You are right; I am very terrified to make a move. I guess in a way I keep telling myself there is a good chance I am still in this so called “fog” so I should wait until I know I am thinking clearly. I don’t know if there should be a time limit or what not….but I don’t think it is wrong of me to stay at this point as a means of committing to a process of healing and grieving with my H….? I guess only time will tell.

I hope I answered all your questions... I apoligize if I dont make sense half the time... I am really just writing everything that I am thinking.

Hunger

I am not trying to "lead him on". My H wants to try as hard as we can and give it time; & considering I am the one that caused all of this pain and sufferering the lease I can do is follow his wishes.

Hunger

So in other words, because we have been only married for 8 months and because we are still young I should just give up because it is not worth it? Yes, we have only been married for 8 months but we have lived together for over 4 years. We have pretty much been married the entire time. We just had a wedding in August.

Hunger

I understand that I dont understand it from my H pov. I am not trying to ignore the fact that I dont understand. Every night I make it a point to be very patient and sit and talk with my H about everything that is going on. I listen and and try to understand how he is feelings. I realize I will never be able to fully understand his feelings in this situation, but I am trying. I feel like this is all I can do.


I have read a lot about "re-writing history" and I am sure I have done this is some cases, but I know for a fact that most of the feelings and concerns I expressed in my first post were concerns I have always had. Not just after the A. However I have no doubt that because of the A all of these concerns have came to the forefront, but in a way I am glad that happened because its as if I was building up resentment throughout our entire relationship... and the MC is actually the one that brought this up.