General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
So according to your logic, if someone accused me of being a bank robber or even a murderer, I should go hold up the local Citibank or shoot someone in the head?
I'm really trying to understand what you're trying to get at here. Accusing someone makes it ok for them to do whatever it is you think they did even if they didn't do it.
I am going to accuse someone of winning the lottery and let's see if it happens. If so, I'll update this thread.
Seriously mate, take a chill pill, he is frustrated at being held as guilty for a crime that he hasn't committed,he is on here venting a little, don't take every word someone types verbatim... ya know....
I do think you could read this as an obvious call for therapy due to low self-esteem.
Have you ever given her any kind of reason not to trust you, even about something small? I'm not talking about cheating, but rather some kind of emotional wall or even something as simple as not showing up when you say you will - she is worried about cheating but it could be any sort of trust issue that could be triggering it and it manifests itself as interrogations about cheating since that's her greatest fear.
My FIL had to deal with this from my MIL. She was incredibly jealous and insecure for no logical reason. She had strong feelings of abandonment; there was a gaping hole in her that nothing could fill.
The FIL dealt with the craziness with humor. He would put his arms around her and joke that he was a handsome Lothario who was panting to have sex with every woman he saw. He was incredibly tolerant, however. I don't know how he stood it. I do like the suggestion of cognitive behavioral therapy. She has to learn how to change her thinking.
So according to your logic, if someone accused me of being a bank robber or even a murderer, I should go hold up the local Citibank or shoot someone in the head?
I'm really trying to understand what you're trying to get at here. Accusing someone makes it ok for them to do whatever it is you think they did even if they didn't do it.
I am going to accuse someone of winning the lottery and let's see if it happens. If so, I'll update this thread.
Been with my wife for 10 years, married 5.
If your spouse is always checking up on you, asking leading questions, asking the same questions you already answered, and generally not trusting you... why should you stay faithful?
I'm getting treated like a cheating spouse without ever doing the crime!
I don't want another woman and still think my 42 year old wife is beautiful and great in bed, no sexual problems.
When we fight about her not trusting me she usually says it's her own insecurity and she hates feeling this way. She hates the way her head spins these wild stories about how I could be cheating but she can't keep quiet and eventually starts drilling me with these interrogations.
This is a cycle that has been going on since very early in our relationship.
So why did I marry her with these signs showing? Because at first she said it was because her previous husband cheated so now it will just take a little time for her to trust me.
Then her excuse was because while we were dating we lived about 50 miles apart and she never knew what I could be up to while we were apart during the week.
After 2 years of dating we moved in together and her excuse was because we weren't married, she didn't feel I was fully committed to her without that wedding ring on her finger.
So here we are, 5 years into the marriage and it's still the same. No trust.
My head used to tell me maybe SHE was cheating and felt guilty so she was putting it on me. Well I've checked up on her a couple times without her knowing and she's clean as a whistle, just like me.
I've told her a few times that this behavior hurts me badly and undermines our relationship severely. She apologizes and everything is fine for another few months, then WHAMMO out of the blue, she hits me again with the ridiculous questions.
I now know, that it is me that has to do something. I need to either live with it, or get out of the marriage.
Why the hell would she destroy the relationship over this? Every person dreams of having a faithful partner don't they? WTF?
My hubs is just like your wife. It has to do with their own insecurities and their maturity level.
My hubs was cheated on by an ex-girlfriend, and he brought those thoughts and feelings into our relationship/marriage. We've been together 11 years, married for 8 years, and he STILL says stupid things from time to time. I feel like you do.....if there's no trust, what is there?
Seriously mate, take a chill pill, he is frustrated at being held as guilty for a crime that he hasn't committed,he is on here venting a little, don't take every word someone types verbatim... ya know....
Exactly.
My thread title is rhetorical. I used it to make a point. In other words, if you're going to treat me like I've cheated on you then what's going to happen if I really do cheat... get treated like I cheated on you? I'm not actually considering cheating.
I sure appreciate the feedback from everyone! What a great resource I've found. I hope I can contribute to help others.
How intense are these times when she starts asking questions? They relatively mild as far as yelling or anger or her getting too emotional, rather they are the timing that bothers me the most. They'll come right in the middle of the best of times.
The most recent example was Sunday night right as we're going to bed. We had a great weekend together! Friday night was date night at home where I brought home pizza and we watched a funny movie together and generally snuggled on the couch. Saturday started with awesome intimate relations that lasted over 2 hours! That evening we went out dancing with her best friend from out of town. Sunday we again hung out at the house all day in our jammies together. Very close and connected. Then that night, pow, out of nowhere comes questions about why my pants in the laundry smelled like perfume (it was the new cologne SHE had bought me, I put some on when we went out Sat night). She was with me every single second, how could I have possibly gotten another woman's perfume on me?!? She literally SAW me pull those clean jeans out of my drawer and put them on before we went out Saturday! The questioning come from so out-of-the-blue that I stammered and couldn't answer why my pants smelled like that. I'm sure to an outsider I looked guilty and caught red-handed as I fumbled for an answer. My mind raced through the past evening trying to answer why my pants would've smelled like that. With me shrugging and stammering she is now like a duck after a slug... relentless.
It wasn't until the next morning on my way to work that it hit me... it was the cologne.
See what I mean about the timing? Naturally I could understand her asking me about something weird like my pants smelling under regular circumstances. Maybe more casually like, "huh, that's weird... your pants gave off a funny smell when I was doing laundry, what do you think that is from?"
Over the years when I've analyzed why she waits until things are really great between us, I have to conclude that she feels like she doesn't deserve to be in a good relationship. She subconsciously undermines us right when things are going the best. I've told her this many times. You deserve to be happy honey. You deserve this great relationship.
AnotherJason--I have been in your situation before with an ex who used to accuse accuse accuse all the time and would go on witchunts trying to find out something that simply wasn't true.
The problem is hers. She is deeply insecure and paranoid.
It is EXHAUSTING and makes you start resenting that person.
Sit her down and have a firm talk with her about hwo much this is turning you off. I can relate to you so much beause I've been there. It's annoying as f8ck.
INSECURITY is a HUGE PART OF JEALOUSY - Insecure people always need re-assurance. They feel like they do not measure up, so they constantly fear others.. that girl that might be prettier, the man than might be more handsome, the one that is more successful... They do not feel confident in their own skin, so they pass the doubts to their partners to make sure they aren't left behind in the dark.
Insecurity is the worse! I often said I would not marry an insecure man, because even at a young age, I knew that insecre people tend to be clingy, possessive and jealous.
Bad thing is that my H never showed signs of this PRIOR to getting married... I suppose he was trying not to? But here is am married 20 years to a clingy, possessive and jealous man... *sigh*
but I'm convinced those counselors will milk a situation forever if they can. I never saw enough results to justify the extreme cost.
I read a book recently that touches on this very same issue you speak of, and the statistics are staggering... 81% of all private practice therapists in the U.S. say they do marital therapy, but only 12% of them are actually certified marriage and family therapists who were required to take course work in the field.
Make sure you're going to see an actual certified, licensed marriage therapist.
Just wondering you say you are the bread winner and you pay for the MC and IC and her school.........um is she really completly dependent on you?
It sounds like she needs a job, even part time. It might help her feel better about her self. Just a thought.
She does work part time. She earns just enough to pay for her car insurance and gas and a little more for snacks, coffee, etc.
This is why I offered to pay for her college, to help get her more employable and to help her self esteem.
Good observation, thank you.
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Re: Why should I stay faithful? 
