General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My husband was my prince charming and I was his cinderella for many years. Long story, short, (well, sort of short--okay, not short at all) after a traumatic experience with a charity taking advantage of his kindness and monetary giving, it left a scar on his heart. His kindness went into what seemed like an obsession to feel valued, appreciated and to feel the "good feelings" that come from helping others. I believe he considers helping people a "calling from God". Some people are the encouragers of the world and with some people that's not their strength. My husband is a born Giver and a born Encourager. He's the kind of person that you just feel good being around because he always speaks with wisdom, confidence, and humor.
During the years (now about 6-7 yrs since he was grossly taken advantage of by the charity), I saw my husband sort of turn into someone else. He just wasn't the same. He had lost his confidence and began to make unwise choices. He began picking up the little nuances and little sayings of the people he was helping. I could tell when he had spent alot of time with someone, because he began to talk like them. He began being inconsiderate to me, but overly considerate and went out of his way for others. Even the look on his face had changed when depression really had its grips on him. The people he helped had many challenges and marriage problems--people who had all kinds of emotional, psychological (but functioning and working everyday), and other challenges. He says helping people makes him feel value and it helps to keep his mind off of the years he feels he wasted at the charity. (The helping people part was rewarding, but the people in charge of the charity left a really bitter taste in his mouth. It was more like a fulltime job there, than not. So his history there was close to his heart).
In one particular instance during the months after leaving the charity, (which by the way,I volunteered countless hours too-so I sort of think he lumped me into how he felt about the rest of the people in charge at the charity) I looked at his phone messages (he was always on his phone). I looked at it because his behavior had changed so drastically from the man I married (almost 30 years ago! It may sound like by now we're "old", but we married young so we're not "that old" yet). I saw text messages from a female we both know that he had been helping. --Helping to the point of her looking to him as a sort of a savior and a champion for her cause and her plight. At this point, he had begun lying about his whereabouts, and just being what I call "sneaky." He believed it was his mission to take on the problems of people and to come up with the plan to fix their problems, but he knew that I didn't approve of him allowing the boundaries to cross the line, and he knew it was detrimental to our homelife and marriage. (I confronted him a few times about it) He lies to keep confrontation away (away for a little while at least, because I always seem to find out the truth). Of course he got angry about me seeing the messages on his phone and bringing it to his attention. He said he had gotten to the place that he felt he needed to salvage his mind. (He has mental illness in his family tree) He said that if it was a place of peace to his mind, a comfort and a rest to his mind to feel appreciated by others during a hurting time in his life, then I should want that for him. He said the alternative could be that he was in a bar somewhere or running with women somewhere. He said he didn't even understand the full effects that the charity experience would have on him and he was ill-equipped to even explain to me what was happening in his mind and heart, because he didn't know himself all what was happening. He said he felt ashamed as a husband for not protecting me better during those days at the charity, and he felt like a failure.
So trying to recover, both financially and emotionally from that hard time, he continued to help people, both male and female, and even immersed himself so far into the lives of others that he seemed to care about what was going on in their lives more than his own. He had gotten quite creative in making up stories of where his time and money was spent. Most times, he wouldn't say anything at all (so as not to "lie" about it). "Our" money became "his" money to do what he wanted to do with it. (We have a traditional home in that he was the breadwinner and I was caretaker of the home. So I guess, technically, it was his money). He talked with people to try to get help for his emotional upset, too, although he never was on medication for it. He didn't want to believe he was so far down into a depression and fought hard against allowing his mind to go there. In the meantime, he was hurting me with his lies (of which, I thought made no sense at all because if he felt compelled by God to help someone or to go above and beyond, I can understand that. Why in the world did he feel the need to lie about that? How could God be attached to lies? He said that it takes too much effort to talk to me. --And I'm sure it does, because I asked him questions that he didn't want to answer. However, I know he had a real need to feel important and capable. I also believed he was physically attracted to at least one female too. (He never admitted it though). It was attractive to feel accepted and appreciated. (You would think I was the worst wife in the world who never stroked his ego and never made him feel needed, but even he would admit he knew I've always been there to help him and support him through the years). --And I'm pretty too!
It's been quite a journey. He went from no longer talking to me beforehand about time and money given to people, (And ever since I confronted him about the text messages, I believe he looked at that instance as another betrayal of trust, on top of the charity experience, even though what I read in the text messages and have experienced after the charity ordeal with him, left me feeling a lack of trust of his decision-making for our household) to stopping communication with me, romance and laughter and fun disappeared, hiding his phone (still does to this day), no longer having a sex drive and no erection (I'm told all of this can be typical behavior of a depressed person).
The part of the marriage vows that talk about "clinging to one another and let no man separate" or "let no man put asunder" seemed to have left my husband's memory for awhile because he let alot of people come between what I thought was a beautiful, honest, wonderful marriage. We used to be a couple that counted on each other to be there for one another. We were always the couple who was an example to others and our marriage life was well respected by our friends.
At the beginning of our marriage and many years into it, most everybody we came in contact with were aware that I was his Mrs. and he was my Mr of whom we loved with all of are hearts. We were the kind of couple that people would see eating in a restaurant and would have to come over to our table to smile and tell us how they could see how much we love each other. My husband was the type of husband who would respectfully differ with his own mother on my behalf. When I think about our love, I get sad because I feel that he's throwing the love and support and companionship away unnecessarily. It's like he wasn't aware of what he was doing or didn't care because he's been so tired and worn down and many times was in physical pain too.
Nowadays, he realizes the need to pull back from taking on the problems and weight of others (at least to the point of establishing boundaries-something that he couldn't accept me telling him years ago), and of course it's more difficult to do now. He can't just "drop" people like the charity "dropped" him. I had said to him long ago, that he needed to be careful of how he got intertwined into different situations and people's lives because he couldn't just turn people on and off after he helped them. Obviously, he wouldn't be able to turn his own heart off either. I knew that the way he went about things was a potential hazard for our marriage (not letting people know right away and upfront, that he had a Mrs. and also just not allowing himself to get into situations that undermine our marriage and compromise his principles) He sees his mistakes now and has apologized for them.
I knew that one day it would dawn on him how damaging this was (all the while I kept in mind that his mind was fragile.) I didn't want to be a harsh voice during this time, although he knew how I felt about things. I didn't want to be the one to really push him over the edge in his emotions. I wanted him (when he was ready) to be able to share his heart again and receive positivity and love from me.
Slowly but surely he has been able to see the people he has helped, to now help themselves. Some are thriving now, others, like the female he helped so much that looked at him as a sort of savior, has disappointed him. He found out that she had a mind of her own too and she didn't listen to his advice. (Another scenario of a lot of lost time and energy and effort). So, I began to see my husband emerge from the rubble a little bit. He's learning how to respectfully say "No" to people and he says he feels a release in his heart to pull back from people who sap his energy, (and in the end finding it was for naught).
I do think its a wonderful thing for my husband to want to help people. I'm understanding more and more how traumatic events bring on "out of the ordinary responses" in spouses-even when they love their spouses. I also understand that the words "for better or worse" are in the vows for a reason. It's because eventually one day there will be a "for better" and unfortunately a "for worse." So given his years of wonderfulness and the person and husband he is, I was willing to try to get through this time together.
I recently found out that once again he lied about his whereabouts so he could help somebody. This is the last person that I know of that he latched onto after the charity experience. This recent lie is what prompted me to write on this forum. I'm weary of it now.
I've heard the line that "all men lie" and I never believed it, nor do I want to believe it now, but it has definitely come to my home too. I heard somewhere that because men and women are "wired" differently, how each handles stress is different. What men think is no big deal, women do think is a big deal and vice versa. I can understand in part "why" he lies . . . I mean, don't we all want what we want when we want it? I just can't stand the lies though. I never wanted "us" to be like everybody else. We had something different and rare and good, I thought.
I do believe that he's a better husband than most. I know that he's trying to do better, but I also know that he's not the type to walk away from people who have expressed hopelessness without doing all that he can to help get them on the right road. I know that it's important for a man to "solve" things. I believe that he thinks if he can just get this last person's situation off his plate, then he will be freed up to focus on his home life. But now, as I said, I'm growing tired. Exasperated is probably a better word.
I wonder if dealing with this kind of stuff is my lot in life. (I would much rather deal with this than something really horrible. Nevertheless, nothing could have ever told me that my precious husband would ever lie about anything. He still provides for me and financially does his best to give me whatever I may ask for. He still works hard and has the desire to provide for my tangible needs. I know he loves me, but of course, I want to really KNOW that he's "in love" with me. I want to feel that again. (I respond to encouraging words and have asked for more communication, but he gives gifts instead). So, okay--I'll take gifts if that's the way he shows his love. Gifts don't necessarily speak "love" to me, but I believe he's trying.
So, here we are several years later. We're better, but the sting of the journey still lingers with this one person. I'm guessing some of you out there may say, just get over it--He's a good man, nobody's perfect. This is true. He is a good man and nobody's perfect. I just wish he didn't feel that he must lie. In my mind, what kind of marriage is that? --Certainly not one where "cherish" "honor" "protection" "respect" "closeness" "soul-mate" is celebrated. These, however, are the things I want back. When he lies to "spare" me of hurt, it let's me to know that our marriage is some version of less than right. I feel our home is still divided--and a home divided cannot stand. I feel like he's not 100% in anymore. I'm wondering if his mind and heart are so altered now that he just can't or won't ever stop lying. Of course, I now have a learned behavior of questioning in my mind and heart everything he says. I don't say it out loud, but I have a hard time trusting what he says to me. How do people live with this day in and day out? I salute people who make it through an affair, with their marriage still in tack. I don't know how they do it, but God bless them.
Sometimes I think that since we were married so young, and without the experience of other boyfriends/girlfriends, other dating, seeing the world a bit, etc. I guess it can be par for the course to want to do something else for a change--even to just try to be a "bad" guy for a change. The responsibility alone with all of these people, plus needy family and friends can make a person just want to stop the world and take a much needed break once in a while.
When my husband was in the thick of being down in the dumps, he talked about going on the Mission field in another country somewhere. I asked him what would happen to me or our child if he did that? Later, he explained he knew that really wasn't a viable option to do. However, I have considered loving him enough to let him go and do what he felt he needed to do. I also have already long ago stopped reminding him of the joy we had together as a cohesive unit--and he admitted long ago that the separateness--isolating me from his activities-- secretive, side of his life hasn't worked well for him.
Why do some married people take each other for granted as the years go by and don't accept the support and advice that is readily available through their spouses? --And believe it or not, I don't feel like we've been married as long as we have. I feel like our "us" always had to be put on hold due to "us" having to help somebody (family, friends, and others) our whole marriage. I know we can't go back and erase all that has transpired, but I sure wish we could. --And with this last lie with one of the same persons from 6-7 years ago, how do I get past the fact that he continues to be more loyal to their feelings and plight than to mine? How do I get past the fact that he encourages our child to visit over their house and establish relationship and he isolates me from relationship with them? Even from this person, who has been a family friend for years, I think has disrespected me by allowing isolation to take place (but of course, the responsibility is on my husband). Here, again, this person has been in the midst of traumatic circumstances that my husband has been trying help with.
Marriage is not what I thought it was and it seems like there aren't any out there that are truly lived the way God intended. I think that people are, of course, human and basically we do the best we can. We naturally change and move through life. There are no guarantees with anybody or anything in life. I now, of course, don't think marriage has any fairy tale events. Instead, it seems to be like any other flawed experience. People are special--and I commend my husband for the joy he brings to the lives of so many people. But the institution of marriage doesn't seem to be as special as I once thought. Life can throw a loop and people hearts, minds, bodies can be changed forever--or at least for a long time. Your thoughts?
If your husband is lying to you and hiding things it's not because he's a man, it's because that's his choice as a person. If he was lying and was out doing something morally wrong you would be extremely upset, bue because he's lying and doing something good, you are more exhausted. Understandable. But it doesn't matter what the lying is about, you need to tell him that no matter what you are his wife, you have supported him all this time, whatever he is doing just don't lie to you about it. It doesn't create trust and you should be the priority in his life. It is good he is helping other people out, just not at the expense of your marriage and unhappiness.
It sounds like he was pretty badly burned before with the charity situation and no doubt this knocked him a lot. I hope he has been able to talk to you or someone about this thoroughly so he is not harbouring any related feelings.
Some people try to live the way god intended, or even if they're not religious, just trying to do the right thing. We all make mistakes along the way it's impossible to be perfect. Marriage can have a fairytale ending, but it's not always roses in between. But I think the fact that couples, like you, have remained together through thick and thin is what marriage is about. The ups and the downs. You can create your own fairytale. Unrealistic expectations, and sometimes at the time we don't know we are making them, always fall short at some time.
At this stage in your marriage, make sure you've had a really good talk to your husband about everything. How you feel. How he feels. It is great that he wants to help people, just try to help him gain some perspective. So it doesn't filter into your marriage. Let him know that you need him too.
Thanks so much Gratitude for your insight and for taking the time to write. I really appreciate it and will take it to heart. The talking part will be difficult, at least in the past it was, because he won't generally take the time for us to talk. He generally shuts the conversation down quickly. --Or he may say to me, Ok, we can meet for lunch or something and talk and then call to say he's too busy at work to meet me. He will promise that we can talk later, and later never comes. He's not willing to share his heart with me.
That's because his needs and desires are being met by helping other people all the time and he's overlooked yours. You are his wife and his partner. While he's helping everyone else out he's forgetton to take care of you. He's taking you for granted that you're always there that he's not even taking the time to listen to what you need from him. He might be doing a service to everyone else, but he's being selfish in his marriage.
There are different ways you can try to communicate your feelings. Counselling where he has to listen, writing a letter, talking on holiday. Anywhere that he only has the opportunity to focus on you. He needs to stop, and listen. The longer you go on feeling your needs aren't being met, and he won't even take the time to listen, the more resentful you will get. It's not that he's helping other people. It's that you're being put on the back burner. He needs to appreciate you in his life and give more of himself to you. It's a partnership.
Where does this desire to help people stem from? Not that it's not great, but he does it so much whilst overlooking everything else that I wonder why he feels he needs to dedicate his life to everyone else.
You can only keep trying to communicate your feelings in every way possible, and if he doesn't want to listen, you may eventually get worn down. He needs to know that.
It doesn't happen by him
feeling like he is getting pressed to answer questions that he
knows your not going to like the answer to.
I think it's great advice for her to get involved in his work and try to spend quality time. But he should be at least taking the time to listen and talk to her that he is giving to everyone else. It can't be a one way street. He should be able to answer her questions. She needs to feel valued and important too, and if she is going to keep reaching out to try and get closer it can't all be on his terms and her making the effort.
But you're right, it's a start and hopefully he will feel her presence more and start paying attention.
Gratitude, he's aware that he's being selfish where I'm concerned. He told me one time after the charity experience that he needed to salvage himself (meaning whatever he needed to feel better is what he believed he needed to do to take care of himself-whether I liked it or not or understood it or not. For all intents and purposes,I can understand that, but when I saw him clear his schedule (not once, but several times over the years for different people) because a friend needed to talk-that kind of thing hurts me). He had made many comments over the years of selfishness and he knows it, but he said that he didn't want to be that way. He told me that it had to "be about him" but he also has followed up years later, saying he knows he's getting better and that things are not going to be like they are with us forever. Dean, more recently, I could see a glimpse of the man I married shine through. Thoughtful, considerate, patient, kind- etc. Since the new year came in, I could tell he wanted to get his home on track. --And yes, you're right, there were more times that he asked my opinion on things. Things had gotten what I would call "kind of nice" and then I found evidence of that lie I told you about. I was responding to his recent thoughtfulness and just plain nice to be around-ness, and then I felt that knockdown again. And again, maybe he's simply trying to close out that last big situation, I don't know for sure. I've learned over the years not to just assume the worse. In this instance though, it was such a blatant lie. And like I said before in my first post-I think it's just senseless; ridiculous! Help people already! Why lie about it? --And of course, my mind fluctuated over the years with a bit of insecurity. However, if I fed into that my mind would probably go bonkers, so I've tried to remain calm and for the most part--positive.
Gratitude, he saw him father beat his mother as a child. He had to come to her defense when he was 6 years old. As a teenager my husband took on the responsibility of most of the house bills. He made sure the gas and electric stayed on for the family. He took on the role of a father in his childhood home. His mother eventually moved out and his father stayed at the family home until he passed away several years ago. My husband has been watching over his mother ever since and still provides financially for her.
Th The talking part will be difficult, at least in the past it was, because he won't generally take the time for us to talk. He generally shuts the conversation down quickly. --Or he may say to me, Ok, we can meet for lunch or something and talk and then call to say he's too busy at work to meet me. He will promise that we can talk later, and later never comes. He's not willing to share his heart with me.
So you need to talk to him about that and tell him how much it's effecting the way you view your marriage.
He needs to stop, and listen. The longer you go on feeling your needs aren't being met, and he won't even take the time to listen, the more resentful you will get. It's not that he's helping other people. It's that you're being put on the back burner. He needs to appreciate you in his life and give more of himself to you. It's a partnership.
You can only keep trying to communicate your feelings in every way possible, and if he doesn't want to listen, you may eventually get worn down. He needs to know that.
This is what happened in my marriage. My ex cared about everything but us/me. It got old, I grew resentful and I couldn't do it anymore.
he saw him father beat his mother as a child. He had to come to her defense when he was 6 years old. As a teenager my husband took on the responsibility of most of the house bills. He made sure the gas and electric stayed on for the family. He took on the role of a father in his childhood home. His mother eventually moved out and his father stayed at the family home until he passed away several years ago. My husband has been watching over his mother ever since and still provides financially for her.
And you think this is the reason he wants to help people out to the extent that he does? It's very confusing when he says it's something that he has to do, whether or not you like it. He admits it is selfish. When talking about what is essentially a selfless act. So he is doing it then for the benefit of how it makes him feel?
My husband came from an abusive home similar to your husbands, he was the oldest of 6 so took on the parenting role. He was also in the crossfire of the abuse. He does not financially provide for his mother now though. He seems to be the opposite of your husband. He will help people out sure, but he is very independant and focused just on our family so he can raise his child the right way with love and distrusts a lot of people. I just wonder WHY your husband feels this overwhelming desire. Perhaps he would benefit from IC. Until he lets go whatever it is inside his head, he can not fully focus on you. It seems you have done what you can do.
Your wanting communication and to feel loved and valued shouldn't be up for debate. It shouldn't be whenever he has time. Other important things to do. Maybe you feel you can't get too upset with him over this as he is out helping people. Well, you most certainly can. It's not what he's doing that is the issue, it's what it's taking away from you. And the lying. It is your life and your marriage too. Be as assertive as you can, tell him plainly how you feel and what is he going to put on the table to bring this relationship together. Maybe he wouldn't take you for granted and put more of an effort in if you weren't around so much tending to his needs. I'm really sorry you feel like this. Nobody gets married to feel alone.
Dean, you're absolutely right--That IS how I've handled most times. I've had a few outbursts over the years too though, but not alot. As a matter of fact, I remember him one time saying that it did make him feel kinda good to see me get upset (jealous) over another female's words of admiration for him helping and giving advice that put her and her family in touch with the real help she needed. I sort of tucked that comment away and made note of it, though. For the most part in knowing my husband, I know he considers loud, in your face talk from a female (can I say) "un-ladylike". It's a turn off. He hates that. --And it's not my personality to do that. And for my marriage, an argumentative, loud, yelling, telling him off kind of experience would not work for either of us.
However, Gratitude your last paragraph on your one of your posts is key. (Sorry, I'm new to this forum so I don't know how to highlight, cut and paste the words of past posts yet) I DO need to be more assertive and I didn't get married to feel alone. Needless to say, I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place dealing with this. It's not the worse thing in the world by any stretch, but it is a real dynamic for me. I'm so glad I found this website so that I can talk it out. I'm grateful to all who have posted and I feel better just getting it off my chest.
Over the years since the charity experience, my husband has said alot of things due to the unhealthy state of mind he was in. He apologized for some of it and some of it that I brought up later to his attention, he said he didn't even remember saying. In fact, he was surprised at some of the things I brought up that he had said to me. He reiterated that he was in such a bad way at the end of that charity experience that he didn't know if he was coming or going. What do you make of his comment about feeling good because I showed some jealousy? Do you think it was just an off the cuff comment due to the state he was in? or do any of you out there (and Jellybeans thank you for your comments too. I did look at the links and got some information. Thank you) think that after all of these years, and without the open communication we had before, think that he just wanted to do some things he wanted to do and likes to do, on his own that he believed was "freeing and exciting" for him, but just didn't know how to tell me? Was it simply seeking a thrill and seeing me a little jealous--was likewise, a thrill?
I don't know. For years, he's been known to think I was a mind reader. Truth is, many times, I was right there on point with what I thought he needed. Maybe this time in our lives has been just as difficult for him as it has for me in the sense that perhaps, I wasn't picking up his cues as keenly as I've done previously.--And maybe he just wasn't used to that from me.
Throughout our marriage until this part, we knew when each other needed the other and when we were puzzled about something or had something on our minds. We took time to get clear understanding--no guesswork involved.
When I say (in previous posts), prince charming and cinderella--marriage example to others, working at the charity together, and although I take care of the home, he owns a small business so I'm in and out of there all the time and have been for years (helping out there too)--so we've been together all of our married life. Maybe that's it! Maybe since I've always "been there" to support and to jump in with a helping hand myself, maybe he just couldn't bring himself to communicate to me "I love you babe, but I want to help people on my own, see it through to the end so I can have the satisfaction of a finished project so I can boost my confidence in the man that I am". Maybe since he couldn't bring himself to say that to me because in his mind it would "hurt my feelings too much" since we were together alot, he was forced to keep that "need" from me and subsequently, when the problems of other people unexpectedly continued to snowball (even surprising to him-thinking it would be "over soon and he could go back to his life") he felt there was no other choice, but to lie about it. Your thoughts?
My marriage was such a highlight and source of happiness to me. I would tell him so he knew that my favorite place to be in the whole world, was in his arms. If there's any truth to the scenario I wrote about above, it makes sense to me that things could happen that way. I would have been very hurt that he didn't want me beside him in tackling a project. As it turns out, the same result occurred anyway--I'm extremely hurt--but the clear communication could have eliminated alot of the hurt. Remembering our love and commitment and honor and protection for one another along the way would have eliminated the rest of it.
So everyone, do I tell him I know he lied about XYZ and get the conversation going? (I've already been a little distant so he knows somethings up, but he hasn't asked me anything). Do I not tell him right away, try once again to start a conversation on a more peaceful note and slowly and calmly go into a discussion about the lie? Do I put on a cheerful face and voice and never tell him about it, but rather, what Gratitude suggested in the first post-- say "that I am your wife, I have supported you all this time, whatever you are doing just don't lie to you about it. It doesn't create trust. I should be the priority in your life. It is good that you are helping other people out, but it's not good to do it at the expense of our marriage and my unhappiness"? (I'm leaning more towards this one, except I would tell him what the lie was, with alot of love and without judgment.) --And then, simply move forward and try not to let it occupy my thoughts anymore.
I've already begun to pick up a couple of hobbies to try to create more acquaintances for myself, so as not to focus and mourn the loss of what we were so much. Any other suggestions?
Question: Have any of you had the experience whereby one spouse was not going to, under any circumstances, modify behavior or change behavior that clearly was hurting the other spouse-- and it didn't lead to divorce? For those of whom haven't gotten a divorce, how did you deal with it and are things going well now, despite it?
Question: Have any of you had the experience whereby one spouse was not going to, under any circumstances, modify behavior or change behavior that clearly was hurting the other spouse-- and it didn't lead to divorce? For those of whom haven't gotten a divorce, how did you deal with it and are things going well now, despite it?
In these cases, the one being hurts ends up being dissatisfied in the marriag eand just "tolerates" the bad behavior.
Sad
My ex never changed/modified his behaviors despite me crying/wanting marriage counselling/leaving. He simply did not CARE enough. He told me this is how he was and either I accepted it or I didn't. There was never any level of compromise. That pained me. But I realized it would have been worse to stay.
This is why I think if you truly love someone, you will be willing to bend/meet them halfway. When you don't, you don't really care about your spouse--especially if what you are doing is causing them PAIN and you know it.
Question: Have any of you had the experience whereby one spouse was not going to, under any circumstances, modify behavior or change behavior that clearly was hurting the other spouse-- and it didn't lead to divorce? For those of whom haven't gotten a divorce, how did you deal with it and are things going well now, despite it?
The only reason it wouldn't lead to divorce is because you have chosen to accept that your partner will not change or listen. You can only say or do so much from your end, if he doesn't want to listen, if he agrees that he is selfish...what can you do.
If you choose to continue, as most do because no one really comes here and wants to divorce, most people are trying to find advice how to better the situation - then you are choosing to accept that things will not change. You have to stop trying because you will just become exhausted and resentful. Work around what you do have and accept this is the way it is.
You shouldn't have to though. If he loves you, he should listen to you. Make time for you. Make your needs a priority over his sometimes.
Start by maybe trying to set one night a week up with him. A date night as such. Just you and him. No matter if someone else calls up needing something, that night is dedicated for you and him. Go somewhere nice and talk. Have a bit of fun. It might be a better way to communicate.
Realistically though, if he knows he's not paying you attention, lying and/or making himself a priority - he is the only one who can change his attitude. You sound defeated. I am angry at your husband. I want to tell him to wake up. Maybe you need to go away for awhile, or back off, or something, anything, to make him realise you might not always be around and he needs to start taking this seriously. Resigning yourself to a husband who cares about himself more than you isn't what you deserve. You deserve love and respect, and you shouldn't have to ASK for it. I hope coming here has helped in someway to just getting it off your chest. We're always here, none of us are perfect but we listen and help if we can, take what you need from posts, we all have different opinions.
I've read a lot of posts here and people have some expectations of their partner, and you think your need is not that great like you said in your original post. We would tell you to just get over it. No. Not being heard, or a priority, or loved enough, is one of the saddest things I've read. I feel for you. One of the biggest qualities about my husband is that he listens to me. Really, really listens and adores me. It is a very special and humbling feeling. Because I was living at hostels as a teenager and neither of my parents at that time wanted me. I know what it feels like to be unloved. And it's not acceptable. If your husband can't see that, then it's his loss. I'm sure he does love you. Does he love you enough to put you first? Does he love you enough to want to hear your needs and address them? If the answer is no, then he doesn't deserve you.
4Likes
The Specialness of Marriage Withered 
