General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My marriage is on the rocks, and I have been so unhappy for a very long time, also considering divorce but decided to wait (at least another 4 years if possible)
There are so many things that affect this decision. But i wont go into that unless asked. One of the bigger things that really bother me is his family. When we were dating, they were no where around and he told me he did not have much contact with any of his brothers and sisters, and hadnt seen his mother in something like 8 years. After we got married, they came out of the wood work, and i hate what i see. If they are not coming for a hand out, help in paying their bills, or "gas" money, they always want something. The only thing they can talk about it who is in jail, who is going to jail, who just got out of jail, and selling or using drugs. And partying. None of them work or even try to have or hold a job. I have met some that are actually productive law abiding cizitens, but 9 out of 10 are not. I have no use for people like that. I tend to keep them at arms length socially and really dont want them around my house and for sure dont want them around my kids to influence them in that way.
The worst of the offenders is his immediate family, the only decent one (sister) lives in alaska so we dont see them. but his 2 youngest sisters live in town and constantly come over with their drama. boyfriends breaking up or trying to kill them, someone stealing from them or beating them up, every single time these girls come over they are covered neck and chest with hickies, and proudly show them off, and jokingly admit they are from more then one guy. UGH!! i have a 12 year girl and dont want her to see or hear that sh*t. They are always asking for handouts, can you pay my electricity, water, gas, phone because it is going to be turned off. WTF!! I have 5 kids to take care of. Can i borrow shampoo, tissue, food because i dont have any money. Again WTF! We work for our money and save it to buy us things. Get a job instead of living off the state! Or can you take me to the store, or to pay my bill, to get a coke and cigs? no gas money mind you ever!! I have fought with my husband over these things, even taking them places. i tell him every thing he gives them is less for our own family, every minute he spends with them, is time away from his kids and me. They call 24/7, 4 or 6 times a day. i have told them repeated, dont call here anymore. But i wont change my number because my younger kids finally know the number by heart and i want the phone in case they need it.
after 8 years, i gave up. They still call, but i just hang up on them or dont answer, and not as often, it goes thru stages, i guess. i dont care how often my husband talks to them as long as he doesnt give them money (they never pay it back). and i suspect he still does that but it comes out of his pocket for the side jobs he does. even thou it still pisses me off, i dont say anything.
So my dilema is this, last month one of his sisters moved across the alley 2 houses down. (they usually never stay in the same house for long) I cant stand these people with a passion; i fear for my children and my belongings. (have actually told the children to keep an eye out for needles and such when they throw the trash) But i havent thought or cared one way or another about them; apparently there is a whole group of people who hate me also; again not that i care. Traffic has tripled on my street with all the losers going over to her house, once while i was digging out my sidewalk, some girl called me a b*tch. WTF! i dont even know who she is at all. fine, dont care. But the sister also knows i dont want her anywhere near my house or family. (i had actually threatened to kick her azz if she comes close, not one of my best moments i admit). Well, as you can figure out, she and the other sister are always coming over. i only found out they were living there 7 days ago, when i was outside fixing one of my statues, went inside for more glue, and she was standing in the alley talking to my husband. As soon as she saw me, she hid behind the fence. Right! like i didnt see her. whatever. so then she left, husband comes over to me like nothing just happened , so i asked who was that, 5 seconds later, he tells me, my sister. okay, so i ask how long has she been living there, again after a pause he tells me i dont know, right. I guess i have "STUPID" written on my forehead. i just say you are lying. and left it at that. I know he has hide that fact that she moved in next door from me. he walked around in a bad mood for a while. i called my mom and vented. While i was on the phone with my mom, the other sister started walking up, thru the alley, past the fence, walking up to the garage where the husband was fixing a car, stopped when she saw me standing outside. looked at my husband (who i dont think saw her) looked back at me, turned around and ran off. OMG!! i laughed my azz off. how stupid, how foolish and immature. whatever. btw these "girls" are 23 and 25.
i know they come over when i am not home or at work. (I work only fridays and saturdays, but i am there 8am to 10pm). my kids have told me when the sister comes over (so far as i know the one i threatened hasnt show her face in my house). This started back up around a month or so ago. And has been happening more frequently. My husband knows how i feel about these people, He tells me there are his family, what is he sappose to do, he wants to talk to them, he loves them, wa wa wa.... and all i ask is he respect my wishes in keeping them away from my children and my belongings. Which you can see, he doesnt do, just tries to hide it from me.
Today, i get back from the store, drive up and the husband and nonthreatened sister are standing talking in the middle of the yard. I actually didnt say a word, just called the kids to help unload the groceries. she left and he walked up acting like nothing happened, trying to ask me stupid questions, oh you went to the store, did you buy groceries, what did you get, i couldnt prevent the ugly look i gave him, but i still did not say a word. Now he is still mad, walking around banging sh*t around, and avoiding me, and i have dumped it. I know the sisters are doing this just to get under my skin and to piss me off. they dont care if it causes trouble for my husband or if it breaks up our very fragile marriage. So i am not going to let them win (even thou i am sure they think they have and more then likely spend hours talking about what happened today. LOL)
Two things thou, he is still allowing them to be around my children. which i absolutely can not tolerate. against my wishes. and i guess the other one is; i know they talk bad about me, calling me the b*tch and so forth (apparently since people i dont even know, have never met, hate me so much they yell that just driving by) and i also know he doesnt defend me or protect me or anything like that. i suspect he even agrees with them. (i know of one case, when the sister was here when i drove up after work, he told her, you better leave thru the back door before MrsVain sees you. and tried to usher her out the back door, not knowing that i parked in the back and came in that door. LOL. Another time, one of the sisters called at 8 am but i hadnt left for work yet, was dragging my azz and the phone call was such, hello...no she is still here...no she is getting ready for work..... then he left to another room like he always does when they call. so i asked him, who was that, answer my sister, asked him what did she want, he says to tell me that the hay next door to her house caught on fire at 6am this morning. Riiiiiiigggggggggghhhhhhhtt! okay so why did she ask if i was still here. got no answer. )
i hate this!! I know that they are doing it on purpose, but i still hate it. I want to say something to the husband but i know whatever i try to say, he will immediately get on the defense (besides the fact that he nevers acts on anything i say) and it will end up a big fight. Which i have been avoiding on other more important marital issues. and would hate to waste a good fight on something i consider inferior. I hate that i have been put in this position yet again, having to remind him to keep them away from our children and having to lock up everything in fear that it will grow feet and walk away. But apparently if i dont say anything, and try to ignore it (as i have in the past when they didnt live so close) it will just get worse.
Just one. You and the children move AWAY--to a neighborhood they can't afford. And the "afford" part doesn't sound like it will be too hard! Also, some distance would be good (since they never have gas money).
It sounds like your husband didn't have contact with this family for a darn good reason before the wedding.
But for some reason family is family and its hard to cut them loose for whatever reason.
But sometimes it has to be done.
I have very little contact with my father because I told him I can't associate with people who do drugs. I told him to choose his son or his lifestyle. He wanted to choose his son but drugs and that lifestyle have a hold on those people.
I gave my mother the same choice and she chose her son. I helped her of course(very difficult and still difficult).
This is one of those situations where an ultimatum is needed.
He chose to marry you. He didn't choose the family he was born too.
He stopped talking to them in the past for a good reason and its time he makes that choice again or its over.
Don't let this drag on for 4 more years. Find people to help you.
Where is your family?(you said if someone asked you would answer).
Look for help. Alot of people will help others who are in a situation they did not choose to be in. Your husbands family chose their path and they won't get much sympathy from most people. But you didn't choose your situation so theres more help out there than you realize.
Tell your husband it his fault that they are always in trouble. Until he can man up and refuse them cash, they will continue to be leaches on society. Tell him that everytime you see them, you are going to sell his favorite thing and give them the money for drugs, and you hope they OD.
Call the police and report them for code violations (like overgrown lawn) or too many crack pipes. Call and report them for DWI everytime they drive if they are druggies. Set them up to steal something and catch it on camera. Prosecute them, get them in jail.
Tell your husband that if they aren't removed you will force him to have them removed after you divorce him, because he will never be allowed any custody if he is going to allow the children around miscreants and junkies with criminal records.
Give him helpful alternatives that he can give them for real help. Counselling, Treatment, the number to a shelter, etc.
While I understand where you're coming from MrsVain to protect your family, I beleive life is trying to teach you something about humanity and compassion. Whatever you're resisting is persisting, and the feedback you're receiving is a direct reflection from your own behaviour.
I would suggest putting down the weapons (hate, anger, hurt) you have for your husband's immediate family. And find ways to make amends, while at the same time aiming to greater understanding for both parties, and possibly step as a good female role model by taking care of them.
well if your into giving money away , chuck it my way.
the answer is firm and simple NO.
and get away from these ppl.
4 more years of this, you'll be 10 yrs older than what you really are.
there is only so much you can take.
do it now. 4 yrs is stil 4 yrs in principle and by then you could have changed your childrens destiny.
your stil putting them at risk with the likelihood of the neighbourhood you live in.
thank you for all your feedback. please allow me to respond.
827Aug--i cant just move, we actually bought this house 4 years ago, and it is in a really good neighborhood, except for the fact that his sister moved in 2 houses down. (in the one little piece of sh*t house in our area) You do have a good point that putting some distance would help, and i am keeping it on the back burner.
Kyle--I dont think my husband had a choose in the matter before. he did not know where his mom left too or how to get a hold of her. and his sister were kind of the same thing, nobody knew (or cared) where they were. now they are in the same town we live in. and he feels like he has to support them. or at least have contact with them. I am very close to my family, my sister and husband and kids live in the same town as i. and we are constantly doing and helping each other (which the husband likes to throw in my face, however the difference is that my sister, husband and kids return back the favor, or will come help dig out the plumbing or pull your truck, and will pay you back the money you spent on them, ie gas money, or whatever) we do bbqs, and whatever. my parents live 4 hours away and come visit often or i am on the phone with them. holidays, summer, whatever are done with my family.
oh and this is not the only issue with our marriage. (I posted a thread in considering divorce, please read for a better idea regarding my marriage and respond) Kudos for you and your mom. i dont think my husband would do anything to change because in this one thing he doesnt think anything is wrong.
broo--Believe me i have thought of callling the police for everything they do, and it is also on the back burner.
Greatermindset--I actually believe in most of what you say, and usually try to live my life that way. however this has been going on for 8 years. and it never stops or changes. i have tried helping them, but they would rather live in the gutter, sleeping around and partying then actually DO anything to better themselves. there is only so much a person can take. Even God chooses to help people who help themselves.
justean--I dont give them any money, or shampoo, or pay their bills. i have control of all monies in the bank so he doesnt give them much, he only has some cash for working on cars on the side, which pays 50 here or 20 there, if he chooses to give it to them, i cant say anything. (i just dont buy him cigerattes either) Our marriage is failing for much more reasons then just this one (see other post in considering divorce) But you make sense in saying why wait 4 years. i do have my reasons. although have been re-envalueating that.
I actually just wanted to make sure that i was not making a big issue out of something that wasnt. my marriage and my husband has me going in circles, and i double or triple question everything. it is good to know that people agree that theirs is not a lifestyle to be around and that i am not just blowing it out of preportion.
How would you handle it
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