General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I'm in a dilemma. My wife recently had a falling out with a lady who was part of a couple we often hung around with. In my opinion, the falling out has been blown way out of proportion and I think it's mostly my wife's fault. I believe there were some relatively minor issues that irritated my wife over time and she latched onto a few things and decided never to speak to this woman again. This woman handled it badly and said some nasty things on Facebook etc. etc. Now my wife says this was unforgivable, so the relationship festered even further..
I go along with the not talking thing to be loyal. It's easy to do because the friendship was primarily between the two wives. However, we have kids that see each other at soccer. This is awkward. On top of that, I feel absolutely terrible about the whole thing. I don't believe this woman deserves this treatment and I feel half responsible for causing her such pain. I cannot get angry or enraged about whatever it is she's done because it all seems so trivial.
I've talked to my wife about it but she says I should stick by her. That's what I'm doing - but I don't agree with any of it. What do I do?
You should stick by her. I stick by my husband even when I think he's wrong. My vows included 'forsaking all others.' I wouldn't speak to anyone that he hated.
Im sure your wife doesnt need a 'yes man' either, so if you have anything helpful to add by talking to your wife, I would go right ahead. Nobody wins if you're just shutting up in order to keep the cold-war-peace... such as it is.
You do need to tell her that you support her decision - the LAST thing you want to do is to make her feel like you are siding with 'the other side'. You say the other woman said some nasty things on Facebook, right away that tells me its ugly, or childish or perhaps both and maybe your wife cant (perhaps shouldnt) let it go once someone has publicly called her out.
Reasonable people should be able to talk about it. You need to keep your wifes back - but you also need to be able voice concerns when you have them between you and her. If she insists on the current status quo - than it is what it is and you should go with it - but then at least all the dirty laundry has been aired out.
You are also hidng all the details, so its a little hard to suggest anuthing with any confidence... somehow you are part of the larger story here if I read you right...
My ex W did that several years ago to a couple that I went to school with, nurtured a friendship with and when we all coupled off together did things as couples together (travel, sports etc). Until my ex W flipped off the handle one day and told these friends of ours that she doesn't like the way the girl treated her or made her feel, she told her "I will never spend any time with you again, you are not my friend".
I couldn't believe she just burned our relationship with them like that. Of course I stuck by her, and when they cornered me sometime later asking for an explanation I couldn't really give them one. I told them that she has been used by friends in the past and possibly this girl said something that triggered it for her, but I don't know what exactly it was. I suspect it may have been the maturity level of this girl at the time, she tends to be quiet and reserved and changes her behavior depending on who else is around and at the time we all played on a coed sports team together, there was one other girl on our team my ex didn't like who was friends with this other friend, so it probably had something to do with that dynamic.
The most baffling thing about this situation is that this was a week before this other couple was about to move away to a neghboring city and we weren't going to see much more of them anyway. She could have just said nothing and the problem literally would have went away.
She also burnt a relationship with a family member who she was close with in childhood that was to be her maid of honor, a week before the wedding - she was overstepping her role as MoH, plus there is possibly some kind of child sexual abuse they were both exposed to, but it sure was a dramatic end to their friendship and au usual with her bridge burning history my ex W's solutions just caused more problems for everyone else.
It scared me, even before I found myself on that side of the bridge.
Sticking by my wife I understand. Not taking sides I understand. How do I deal with the fact that I'm finding myself increasingly angry with her about the whole situation. A few weeks ago, this other woman approached me at a local grocery store and started crying. She said she'd heard my wife was saying things about her that needs to stop. She says she misses us and cannot understand what went wrong. She's sorry for whatever it is and if my wife wants to email her about the things that are being said, she'll give her more info. I believe she just wants some sort of contact.
I'm standing there like an idiot not knowing what to say and I didn't have any coherent response. I mentioned all this to my wife and she's not fazed in any way. I let it go but here I am a few weeks later getting really irritated by it. I have nothing against this woman except that my wife has decided she wants absolutely nothing to do with her. Aren't there better ways to handle it?
I know what I want. I want them to resume contact and let this other woman apologize so the awkwardness will go away. I don't really care if we never see the couple socially again.
I tend to be a little soft-hearted (I wish I wasn't) and I also feel very sorry for this woman because of some issues she's had over the last few years. It doesn't help!
Sticking by my wife I understand. Not taking sides I understand. How do I deal with the fact that I'm finding myself increasingly angry with her about the whole situation. A few weeks ago, this other woman approached me at a local grocery store and started crying. She said she'd heard my wife was saying things about her that needs to stop. She says she misses us and cannot understand what went wrong. She's sorry for whatever it is and if my wife wants to email her about the things that are being said, she'll give her more info. I believe she just wants some sort of contact.
I'm standing there like an idiot not knowing what to say and I didn't have any coherent response. I mentioned all this to my wife and she's not fazed in any way. I let it go but here I am a few weeks later getting really irritated by it. I have nothing against this woman except that my wife has decided she wants absolutely nothing to do with her. Aren't there better ways to handle it?
I know what I want. I want them to resume contact and let this other woman apologize so the awkwardness will go away. I don't really care if we never see the couple socially again.
I tend to be a little soft-hearted (I wish I wasn't) and I also feel very sorry for this woman because of some issues she's had over the last few years. It doesn't help!
This is a squabble between two women. Don't put yourself in the middle of it, leave the women drama to the women.
Stick by your wife's side, but just tell the other women, look I have nothing against you, but this is between you and the wife, you guys need to sort it out, the end!
I'm in a dilemma. My wife recently had a falling out with a lady who was part of a couple we often hung around with. In my opinion, the falling out has been blown way out of proportion and I think it's mostly my wife's fault. I believe there were some relatively minor issues that irritated my wife over time and she latched onto a few things and decided never to speak to this woman again. This woman handled it badly and said some nasty things on Facebook etc. etc. Now my wife says this was unforgivable, so the relationship festered even further..
I go along with the not talking thing to be loyal. It's easy to do because the friendship was primarily between the two wives. However, we have kids that see each other at soccer. This is awkward. On top of that, I feel absolutely terrible about the whole thing. I don't believe this woman deserves this treatment and I feel half responsible for causing her such pain. I cannot get angry or enraged about whatever it is she's done because it all seems so trivial.
I've talked to my wife about it but she says I should stick by her. That's what I'm doing - but I don't agree with any of it. What do I do?
Stick by your wife. There may be more to this than you know. Even if not stand by her. Your wife will see this as a betrayal otherwise.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Although it sounds like your wife may have been out of line in starting something, the other woman went on FB with it--sooooo inappropriate and immature. Goodness, they aren't in high school anymore (right?)
I'd be very concerned about having a partner-for-life who engages in drama like this. Again, it is just plain immature. Age is not and indicator of maturity. If you intend to stay married to her, make it clear that you will support her publicly in this case, but you will not tolerate such immature behavior--and you need to mean it. If you don't, you are likely to find a string of friends--and maybe even family members--left behind b/c of your wife's inappropriate behaviors. Good luck.
Although it sounds like your wife may have been out of line in starting something, the other woman went on FB with it--sooooo inappropriate and immature. Goodness, they aren't in high school anymore (right?)
I'd be very concerned about having a partner-for-life who engages in drama like this. Again, it is just plain immature. Age is not and indicator of maturity. If you intend to stay married to her, make it clear that you will support her publicly in this case, but you will not tolerate such immature behavior--and you need to mean it. If you don't, you are likely to find a string of friends--and maybe even family members--left behind b/c of your wife's inappropriate behaviors. Good luck.
Yeah, talk about burning bridges.....and you're upset with your wife. Do you really want to be friends with people who want to duke it out over Facebook? They may one day do it to you.
As for the validity of your wife's anger toward this person, perhaps you could give us more detail.
I think men like drama as much as women do --maybe more--and maybe since this couple is out of your life, you're looking for it. And ask yourself, was there anything that you could have done to have avoided this meltdown as well?
I remember my ex husband loved playing intermediary; take phone calls from people even ones whom I called and that was the way they were returning them. He'd pass on messages to me from them, but not play the same agent for me. He'd hide the fact that he would commit our free time with his friends and then mention it for the first time that I would hear of it to them in front of me. Talk about being made to look out of the loop -- at my expense and for other people's entertainment.
Are these ex friends really worth the marriage to you?
People fall out; it's a fact of life. We've fallen out with one of our couple friends, they were the ones who actually introduced us just over 2 years ago. They're mad at us, we sort of know why but nothing has ever been addressed. So we have decided to let them go!
Men: Survive, Evolve, Reproduce
Women: Survive, Evolve, Hate other Women, Reproduce
I know you're trying to be funny, but it's true what you say, about hating other women. In my life, most other women have been a frigging plague. It's like I've got to know them forever before they're trustworth and even then; they'll surprise you, as one recently did!
6Likes
Friendship Issues 
