Let me first start off by saying I will be married 10 years in May and together 12. We have an 9 year old little girl . I have posted my story here a few weeks ago & received some great advice but things have changed a bit. I am not sure what to do now.
It's been about 6 weeks since my wife had that " I am not happy with us " conversation ( she initiated that ) . We have had up and down moments since then . I find out a little more each week about how I hurt her over the past few years . She had been showing me warning signs but I was did not see them. I was ill for a few years & pushed her away. I was only trying to protect her & I didn't let her share in my pain and struggle. I am better now. I got well over the past 2 years but got very involved at work with trying to keep my Job during these tough economic times . While I was off working . My wife began working on herself and is now not needing me for any emotional support . I am crushed but I am now in this situation . I can deal with it or bail. I love my wife and daughter so I want to try and repair my marriage .
She has said terms like we have been " disconnected " for awhile now . I agree . I shut her out and she has built up a "wall " emotionally ( as she describes it) & she is "having trouble letting me back into her life" . So of course , I accused her of cheating. I did this on 3 different occasions over the past month. As recently as 4 days ago. She has denied it . I didn't believe her . A couple of weeks ago , she left her cell home by mistake and I came home from work early. I had to go through it .I went through all Emails, texts & phone logs. I found nothing . I went to see if her password was changed on her laptop today. It was not changed . So I am giving up on the idea she is cheating . I have been Stalking her facebook page too. Ugh...I Can't do that anymore . It's making me insane . I really have not found any clues of another man & I have been looking .
I have been going to therapy for about 6 weeks to work on insecurities & depression. I am also reading a lot of self help books about marriage . I have learned a lot & I feel like I am moving in the right direction with my behavior and outlook on life. I took too much for granted. My therapist is really bringing me down. I leave angry or anxious after our weekly session . I think I should stop going . My therapist is divorced and had a husband who cheated on her . She told me so. I have explained my situation in detail . I told I have checked out the phone records , went through her cell phone & confronted her about cheating . I have explained that My wife doesn't get strange calls or texts messages late at night. Her phone is not guarded 24/7. She doesn't stay out late or have girls night outs....BUT Week after week she gets me fired up, making me angry & suspicious of wife. My therapist still seems bitter about her divorce. Can she really give me good advice ? Can she really help me? After a long week of some progress at home and then I walk out of the office angry . My wife has not come with me to therapy but has offered to go when I am ready. Would you keep going ? I feel like I am learning more on my own but she is a professional. I don't know what to do with the whole therapist thing.
I am working on myself. My wife is happy that I am doing this. But It's very hard for me know how to treat her in this situation. I tried giving her a lot attention at first but that just came off as needy & desperate on my part. I did not get any reaction out her . In fact, I think I empowered her to keep this emotional wall up . I have read that I need to get her to chase me again . A nice idea but very hard to do in my situation . We live together . We have dinner together as a family. We go out on weekends together . Even sleep in the same bed. We do even more now as a family than we ever did....BUT That wall is up .She is going through the motions. No doubt about it. She rarely is the one initiating contact with me. I have to do that now. The tables have turned and she knows that I am chasing her. There are moments that I feel a connection again and then there moments where I feel like she hates me. So cold. Mostly Short answers when we talk or text each other. When we are together we have seem to get close and when she is out at work or with her family I get the cold side of her . SHe is getting close to 40 years old now. I think she is doing some soul searching and is not sure if she wants to be with me for rest of her life. My in-laws don't like me much anymore either..Ugh & most likely give her an potential for her to go home to them with our Kid! That another story. So I don't have any allies right now . I am in a bad spot & I think only my actions can save us ? I feel likes it's a bit unfair but I did not realize the hurt that I had given her over the years. I was not very supportive of with her endeavors. I was jealous and controlling . This was one of biggest faults . I see that now .I did apologize for my actions but the apology didn't cut it.
She is starting to notice some of my changes , physically & mentally. I get a compliment here and there. Of course , I figured since I worked on myself now that she should beak that wall down! Well that is not happening right now . We have never gone though anything like this before . When we are home I have this urge to be close to her all the time. When I am away from her , I am always thinking of something I could text her so I can keep in contact with her. I am sure it is getting annoying and not coming off very attractive . She is on my mind almost 24/7 and it consumes me. It's fear of losing her . I know acting and thinking like that can't be good and will not work on getting her back to me .
Have you been in a situation similar to mine ? How long did it take for your loved one to come back to you emotionally ? How did you treat the person that cut you off? How did you act at home with your spouse?
I realize that there is a chance she may never come back but right now I want to try and save my marriage .