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Old 02-26-2009, 06:10 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Help My wife says its over

My wife has said she is done with our marriage, she said she was over me and that she does not have any feelings for me anymore. Last year I was gone with doing racing photography that I did I was gone alot and bought some equipment using my 401k money and did not tell her about it. Which I have said I am sorry. Right now I am praying night and day that the marriage is not over. She has as far as I know not filed for the "d" and I am praying that she does not. I am doing everything I can around the house, laundry, dishes, cleaning the bathroom doing all the house hold chores(which we always fought about and when we would I would always say quit *****ing or call her a *****) which I have said I am sorry for all of that. I have started to work out and have lost 40pds since the first of the year. Yesterday I went back to the church where we were married and prayed on the spot where we said our vows 13 years ago. I pray that we can stay together and I am doing everything I can to make sure that happens.
She doesn't wear her wedding ring anymore and she says she is done. Now when she comes home she is all happy with the kids and just ignores me. We have two wonderful boys 3 and 6. I keep praying to God to help us work this out. My wife turned 40 last year and she tells me that it changed her and she realized that being miserable anymore was not worth it. She said she is sick of the crap she has put up with for 12 year. She has said to a friend she can't imagine having a relationship with me again, she does not have feelings for me and can't see getting feelings back. She said she can't imagine ever sleeping with me again. I just need someone to hear my story and tell me if they have had the same issue. She said to her friend that I am nothing more than a roommate. I still love her, want this to work out and I believe God will answer my prayers and I am patiently waiting for him to hear them. This friend who was the maid of honor in our wedding, she has shut out now because she is telling her positive things. My wife's support system is all negative and all her friends have shakey marriages. Any advice would be very helpful....God Bless
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Old 02-26-2009, 09:57 AM   #2 (permalink)
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The best thing to do is to give her what she wants. Move out. Start moving on with your life. Begging her to stay will only push her away more. Pretend to be happy without her even if you are not. When she sees you "happy" and moving on then she will realize what she's losing and want you back.
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Old 02-26-2009, 11:28 AM   #3 (permalink)
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What Confused is suggesting is called tough love. There is a good book by Dobson called “Love must be Tough” and it was helpful to me. She is right in that you may actually be pushing her away, but think it through carefully before you make such a bold step. It is very risky. Based on your information so far I would not suggest you leave but that you do give her some space. Continue on the changes you have promised but don’t expect her to take notice for some time. She knows what you are doing. Putting great effort in these things in order to right the ship but she doesn’t want it righted at this point. Steady and consistent efforts will make an impact after time. Don’t over due it, don’t dote on her, don’t expect anything at this time. I will just add to your poor emotional state. You can practice tough love without leaving however. Be as confident and strong as you can when you are in her presence. Play with the kids and go about your daily life as normal. Continue to show her you love her in your actions, not words. They have not meaning for her now. When a spouse detaches as far as she has recovery will be a long time in coming. I wouldn’t even expect to see much from her for a couple of months. Commit to your changes, do family things together and don’t fall back into old habits. She will have zero tolerance at this point. Can it get better, yes but it will take a lot of time and effort.
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Old 02-26-2009, 11:53 AM   #4 (permalink)
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My wife has said she is done with our marriage, she said she was over me and that she does not have any feelings for me anymore.
This is as common as pie. Do not give up. Do not lose hope. Do not move out. This is a cycle that usually take 1 year to work out, but maybe longer.

Men have a habit of being total c*********s and stooges until they get their wake-up call. Make the changes and make them permanent. Do not be resentful. Do not be hurt. Do not be needy. Do not drive her away.

Pretend this is your chance to date the pretiest girl in high school, who hates your guts and thinks you are a revolting nerdish jerk. You have to pull out all of the stops to convince her to like you. You have to play it cool and develop the attitude and swagger that attracts her to you. You have to transform her opinion of you. You have to transform into someone that you are not. Go read every book you can get on how to flirt and pick up women, go read every book on how to treat your wife. Also read the book Divorce-Busting. Never watch TV again. Don't do anything with your free time that isn't A) Helpful, or B) Self-Improve.

Get active and fit, re-engage in a few active(non-obsessive) hobbies just like you would if you were going back on the market to get a new girlfriend. Study the art of dating, so that if she ever gives you a chance to take her out, you can wow and amaze her with how much she suddenly finds that she likes you. Don't pressure her for anything, just be fun and happy and cheerful, and likeable. Don't date anyone (it will only create complications, and besides, you want her, she may decide to compete with you if she feels jealous).

You are not the only one that this is happened to. I think I read it happens in 30% of marriages, with most couples staying together (even if one or both end up having affairs).

Women's feelings are like a light switch. Whent the switch is off, they can't even remember what it felt like to like you. When the switch is on, it feels as though they always liked you. Eventually the switch will turn back on for tiny stretches of time. When it does she will be angry with you again, but thats OK. Your job is to drop any greivance you ever thought you had and let it go. You are going to unceasingly man up and take responsibility for the ways you tortured her with 12 years of continuous mistreatment, but more importantly you are going to show her how likeable, good-natured, fun and exciting you are.

Last edited by broo; 02-26-2009 at 12:01 PM.
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Old 02-26-2009, 12:03 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Listen!Listen! Listen to what everyone has said here. I know what you are going through because I am as well. It's been three months for me now (and I am out of the house) and she is just starting to freely call or contact me. It has been hard as hell but in the end will be worth it. Go read Men are from mars, Women are from venus. This is the first book I read (at my counselor's urging) and it really opened my mind into what the female brain wants from us. After reading it reread it and let it all sink in. Then let it sit where she can see it and maybe read it as well but do not push her to. Stay strong my friend, check in here to do all your venting it does help.
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Old 02-27-2009, 10:46 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help My wife says its over

i think this is mostly all good advice. let her know you love her but probably at this point with her being so cold, you can't push it too far or come off as too needy. i would definitely try to get into counseling with a good counselor to understand the issues really at hand. sometimes the issues do not stem from what you think they do. keep on a track to right yourself and make yourself a better person, the person she fell in love with (minus the faults). keep your head up and good luck.
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Old 02-27-2009, 10:46 PM   #7 (permalink)
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So I find out that this old family friend(Guy) who is 52 divorced, smokes and just filed for bankruptcy my wife texted him 443 times from Dec 19 to Jan. 18. My wife is 40 just so you know the age difference. On a night we went to a concert she texted him 44 times. Do you think I should confront her about it or him or just let it go. She has no suspicious behavior like staying late for work or staying over night at someone's house. My gut says she is using him as a crutch to talk to since her and I do not talk but makes you wonder. I really appreciate all the feedback everyone has given me and I really need all the support, advice I can get. Do you think I should consider asking her to go to a counselor because her comeback will be why, I told you I was done.
Thanks again for all the advice, keep it coming.
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Old 02-28-2009, 03:51 AM   #8 (permalink)
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It sounds like shes getting all her emotional support from that old family friend !!!! someone to talk to someone who listens ... Its amazing how we all wake up and realise just how bad we treat someone we are meant to love and protect when we are faced with loseing them...
I dont think saying sorry helps and niether does doing chores now ... you really need to show her that you want to fight to save your marriage and that you do want to change forever ( not just until things go back to how they were ). tell her you want to fight to keep her and your marriage and could she give you time to go counselling together.
you need to date her again so she remembers who you are and why she married you !! what made them sparks
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Old 02-28-2009, 10:24 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help My wife says its over

Quote:
Originally Posted by ttorfin View Post
So I find out that this old family friend(Guy) who is 52 divorced, smokes and just filed for bankruptcy my wife texted him 443 times from Dec 19 to Jan. 18. My wife is 40 just so you know the age difference. On a night we went to a concert she texted him 44 times. Do you think I should confront her about it or him or just let it go. She has no suspicious behavior like staying late for work or staying over night at someone's house. My gut says she is using him as a crutch to talk to since her and I do not talk but makes you wonder. I really appreciate all the feedback everyone has given me and I really need all the support, advice I can get. Do you think I should consider asking her to go to a counselor because her comeback will be why, I told you I was done.
Thanks again for all the advice, keep it coming.
I would definitely consider confronting her or him about it. If you say something to him he will tell her and then she will be mad at you...you may want to ask her what is going on. She may stay with you for the kids but emotionally have a relationship with him since she is talking to him so much. If he is a family friend of you and her..why would he do that to you? What are his intentions, you know? At this point he is interferring with an already rocky situation.

I basically mentally and emotionally "left" my husband before I physically left. When he wanted to fix things it was too late. I gave him so many opportunities to fix things and spelled everything out for him to change and make things different. He never wanted to until I didn't care anymore. I hope she hasn't reached this point...if she has the dishes and anything else you do may not make a difference. Get her away from the other guy if you can...he isn't helping.
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Old 03-02-2009, 07:02 AM   #10 (permalink)
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DONT GIVE UP!!! my husband just left me(after 13 yrs 2gether) to stay at his dads 10 days ago and i am telling u i am doing everything in my power to bring him home. God does hear your prayers..miracles do happen. all i have been doing is praying. gently suggest counseling..sounds like she may be having a mid life crisis, like i think my husband is. Its far from easy when you love someone so much you are willing to do anything. my hubby is here everyday ( he says to c kids, but i dont believe that) and also "pretends" 2 b happy.. i think deep down they are both crying out, dont know what to do. Tell her wout smothering her how you feel about her..i pray you will reach her. Good luck friend! keep the faith!!
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Old 03-02-2009, 08:33 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Do you think I should confront her about it or him or just let it go.
Yes you should confront her, it is likely an emotional affair and it does have an impact on your marriage. A big one. Affairs don't have to be physical to hurt a marriage. This relationship may be poisoning her image of you and she needs to understand its impact.
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Old 03-02-2009, 09:15 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Yesterday she yelled at me because she thought I was being a child. She said you just don't get it. I said I am sorry (she wanted to take my youngest son to see her aunt I insisted he stay home to play with his brother and his buddy) she said you have not "changed" at all. I said yes I have. She said seeing Family is important to me. I said it is very important to me too. She said whatever, you don't even care what I want. So I asked what do you want. She said you gone. I don't want you around anymore. I said I am not giving up. She said maybe you will if you get divorce papers. I said is that what you really want(no response), I said are you going to tell the kids and she said yes I will.


So she went to her Aunts by herself. Me and the kids stayed home and played. So this morning when she was getting ready I asked her if we could talk she said about what there is nothing to talk about. I am done over you. You have treated my like **** for 12 years and I am done, calling me a *****, lying to me and not being a part of the family(Last summer I took a part time job as a racing photographer, was gone a lot by myself) she says now you want to be "superdad" and you think now you can just be a part of the kids life. Well I have always been a part of the kids life, going to t-ball and playing with them around the house. For her to say I never have been a Dad to them is very wrong. Then I suggested to go to counseling, she did not say anything. She said you can go I don't want to. I am done you have been a jerk, ******* to me for so long I do not want to be around you anymore. I kept saying I love you and I am sorry. I told her I have been praying for her forgiveness and for God's foregiveness, she mocked me oh now you are praying to God well whop dee do she says. I said to her where am I going to go, she said I don't care, my weekends are miserable because I have to be around you. Now you think you can just do everything with us and I was so used to you being gone all the time that it is frustrating having you around all the time. I admit I have not been the best husband but I am trying to change and I believe I have changed even though she says I have not. I need and want her to go to counseling because I still love her and I am so sorry for all the pain I have given her, it hurts to hear how frustrated someone is with the way you have been and did not realize it before it came to this. Last September she had sent me an email with the frustrations and I did not get it back then. Then she never said change or it's over. If she had I would have changed then. I did change some but I just go defensive and took it the wrong way. I should have changed them. Please give me some feedback on what I should do. She wants me out but I am not leaving. I have no where to go and I just can't bare the fact that I will not be there every night to tuck my kids in to bed or play with them every night. They are 3 and 6 and the best kids you could ever imagine. I have so many regrets on how I have treated my wife and been gone away for my kids for my selfishness. After our conversation and the kids went to school I went over to the church across the street and said my prayers, telling God that I still love her, and needed his help to help her forgive me and I asked for his foregiveness for the way I have treated my wife. I am praying, praying, praying that her and I can work this out. She is mad, angry, going thru what I call a midlife crisis and begging God for a miracle. Thanks to everyone on her for your kind words, please keep them coming I need everyone praying for me(Todd and MaryAnne) so that we can stay married. Please give me some feedback, I really appreciate it.
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Old 03-02-2009, 09:20 AM   #13 (permalink)
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just another note, she did mention that she has given me so many years to change and I never had and she said what am I supposed to do stick around for another 13 to see if you do change. I said yes because I am not going to yell at you anymore, I am helping out around the house and I want to do things with the kids all the time. She said I can change all I want, your second wife will appreciate it. That hurts but I understand, I just wish she could just give it some time to see that I have changed.
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Old 03-02-2009, 09:28 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Actions, not words at this point. Your words have no meaning for her at this time. She has closed off and won’t give you a chance for some time to come. It will take her time for the anger to subside and until she does that most anything you do will have little impact. Having said that, don’t give up. Continue to do the things you’ve committed to no matte what.
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Old 03-02-2009, 10:10 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I signed up in this forum just because of what you have written, if you think nobody understands you , you need to think again, I am in the office, its going to 7 o'clock with no desire to go home.

I will not even write what am going through, after reading your posts... I thought first my wife posted on my behalf.. realizing the stupidity of it.. I thought I posted it, other than for the two kids and our age difference... everything you said is what I am going through.

After 2 months of pain and trying again and again to pray with her, spend time with her, pick her and be the husband she wants, I am tired! - ttorfin I don't know how to tell u this, the praying, the washing dishes, the playing with my son, picking her from work, asking her for dates, holding her at night... I have tried it.. and all it has done is leave me feeling empty and alone... its like what I have done for the last 4 years is unforgivable.. but funny, objectively she has done even worse and I forgave her....


Well, am done mopping, am not leaving for my sons sake.. but neither am I going to sit down and be treated like a pest with no dignity, did I wrong her, yes, could I have treated her better .. yes... but can she also forgive and realize that we don't have the rest of our lifes to waste in bitterness and anger? Yes!

ttorfin -your post is my current life.. pray and stop trying to please her, stop beating yourself.. you have never been a dad before.. you have been the best dad, and you also have tried as a husband, you are a man who has made mistakes and that makes you only human, there is no way you would have learned this unless you went thru it.. be a man and stop crying about it... stand on your two feet, find Gods purpose for your life as an individual! - and stop trying to convince her.. the more you do.. the more it will be used to hurt u and be used against u, go down and pray and spend time with your kids, learn to be single, unique and whole again, the more you cry for her attention the more she is put off.. and your next phase of your marriage might start shaky and make you very unhappy

am writing this in the same believe am telling myself, if she leaves me... I know beyond a shadow of doubt she will realise I was a good husband and father.. not great but good.. and that I tried esp when I realized I had been wrong... I did try... God is with us, lets be men and not mice... we fall down.. but we stand up, God bless you - Give me your IM and we can chat
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