General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
He treats the kids great. He would never do anything to harm them. He keeps his cool when the kids are up or around but if a huge argument starts after they are in bed then it is more likely to get "ugly." Although some may thing I am defending him when I say this but this is not a daily thing and the abusive behavior does not happen every time an argument happens.
He treats the kids great. He would never do anything to harm them. He keeps his cool when the kids are up or around but if a huge argument starts after they are in bed then it is more likely to get "ugly." Although some may thing I am defending him when I say this but this is not a daily thing and the abusive behavior does not happen every time an argument happens.
Even once is too much though Pink.
It is good that the abuse is sheltered from the kids, but it still does not make it right. In fact, for me anyways, it tells me that your H has 100% control over his temper and anger, therefore he needs to control it with you as well.
I think he is feeling that you don't trust him. My wife does this all the time - I give her my opinion or do something and she double-checks on me - like I'm a child - it's disrespectful. He may be wrong, but does it really matter. Trust him - he's not a child. Do you ever disrespect him? (you have a right to with the way he's been acting, but you should avoid this slippery slope) He has to put up with all kinds of crap at work every day and must hold all the frustraton/anger inside - until he gets home. His outlet seems to be abusing you. I have similar issues with my wife (no violence or anywhere near the verbal assault you are getting - but these petty fights) - we were playing cards the other day and she mentioned that we were playing the game wrong - I disagreed, so I looked up the rules and she was right (not unusual) and I told her she was right. She says - 'I told you' (harmless right?) - I flipped out. Why? I think because I felt disrespected - I'm sensitive because this happens often. Try showing him the most trust/respect/appreciation you can muster and see if there is a change. About the physical/verbal abuse you are taking - that's got to stop - if it doesn't get out. His main job as a H is to love and take care of you - not hurt you. Sorry if it sounds like I'm taking his side - I'm not. You can only do what you can do - it's up to him to choose love over rage.
Hi everyone,
I am in desperate need of some advise. I have been married for almost five years. In the past year or two my marriage has seemed to shift directions. My H and I argue a lot. And it is rarely about the important things. We seem to argue over the smallest meaningless things. My H blames me for it. He says all I want to do is argue. I feel that is wrong. When I am explaining something to him or explaining why I did something the way I did he considers that to be arguing with him. He tells me to shut up and listen to what he is saying because I am wrong. For example this is what happened last night. He called me from the store to ask what kind of cottage cheese to get for lasagna because the labels have changed. I told him the purple label or which ever one is low fat. When he got home this is what happened.
ME: Where is the cottage cheese?
HIM: In the cheese drawer.
ME: ( pulling it out of the fridge) Oh it does look the same.
HIM: WTF seriously you just wanted to prove me wrong.
ME: No I just wanted to see what the new one looked like and it looks the same.
HIM: You just wanna argue about everything I am so sick of your S. You should have kept it to yourself and not said anything.
Was I wrong for doing that even though I really just wanted to see the difference? Should I have kept it to my self. I don't know what to do. everything i do I feel like I am wrong or going to make him mad for doing something. In other arguments I feel like I am not heard like what I say doesn't matter. He will sometimes say I don't care what you thing. When the arguments get heated his temper really shows. He will sometimes grab and push me around, threaten to punch me in the face. It is terrifying to know that the person I love the most can do this to me. He does apologize for it sometimes. What should I do. He says all of it is my fault and I need to talk to someone about my issues. Please help I need some advise on how to fix this problem before it gets worse.
He makes the marriage about him. He doesn't respect or care to hear your opinion. You are always wrong in his eyes. He controls you through violence. Guys like him make me sick.
If I were you I would get out of this marriage before his violence escalates.
I think he is feeling that you don't trust him. My wife does this all the time - I give her my opinion or do something and she double-checks on me - like I'm a child - it's disrespectful. He may be wrong, but does it really matter. Trust him - he's not a child. Do you ever disrespect him? (you have a right to with the way he's been acting, but you should avoid this slippery slope) He has to put up with all kinds of crap at work every day and must hold all the frustraton/anger inside - until he gets home. His outlet seems to be abusing you. I have similar issues with my wife (no violence or anywhere near the verbal assault you are getting - but these petty fights) - we were playing cards the other day and she mentioned that we were playing the game wrong - I disagreed, so I looked up the rules and she was right (not unusual) and I told her she was right. She says - 'I told you' (harmless right?) - I flipped out. Why? I think because I felt disrespected - I'm sensitive because this happens often. Try showing him the most trust/respect/appreciation you can muster and see if there is a change. About the physical/verbal abuse you are taking - that's got to stop - if it doesn't get out. His main job as a H is to love and take care of you - not hurt you. Sorry if it sounds like I'm taking his side - I'm not. You can only do what you can do - it's up to him to choose love over rage.
Did you read her scenario about the cottage cheese? How is that disrespectful to him? She wanted to see what the new label looked like
IMO, she does not need to do anything but muster up the strength to tell her H that she will leave him if the abuse does not stop. It's hard to respect ANYONE who yells at you, belittles you, beats you and just downright disrespects you as an individual. She will be sending an absolutely horrible message of acceptance if she is bends over backwards to be nice to her H given the abuse she endures.
As far as the stress of the job being the "cause" of his abuse towards his wife... He needs to learn how to leave that anger or frustration at the office where it belongs. I hate my job with a passion, I detest my boss on a minute by minute basis, but I don't dare take it home to my family and treat my H like crap, as a matter of fact on a particular stressful day I'm elated to get the he!! out of here and into my sanctuary I call home with my H and my babies.
No he hasn't always been like this. It has been just the past year or two. When we aren't arguing he is very sweet to me and treats me like I should be treated. That's what makes this so hard. My communication with him is not the greatest. Sometimes he will ask me what's wrong or for me to be honest with him. I will tell him what's bothering me but sometimes I tell him "nothing I am fine" is fear of making him mad. He tells me what makes him made is me not being honest with him. I have been working on that part. After an argument I do apologize for what I feel I have done wrong.
text book abuser, honey all the signs are there. I'm afraid if you stay something horrible will happen to you. That's how guys like him keep girls around, its confusing to be treated nicely and than all of a sudden he's angry. And he makes his anger out to be your fault. It isn't, no one deserves to be abused. And with you having a kid you'll end up teaching your child to take the abuse. That it's normal and ok. IT'S NOT. You deserve better.
I think he is feeling that you don't trust him. My wife does this all the time - I give her my opinion or do something and she double-checks on me - like I'm a child - it's disrespectful. He may be wrong, but does it really matter. Trust him - he's not a child. Do you ever disrespect him? (you have a right to with the way he's been acting, but you should avoid this slippery slope) He has to put up with all kinds of crap at work every day and must hold all the frustraton/anger inside - until he gets home. His outlet seems to be abusing you. I have similar issues with my wife (no violence or anywhere near the verbal assault you are getting - but these petty fights) - we were playing cards the other day and she mentioned that we were playing the game wrong - I disagreed, so I looked up the rules and she was right (not unusual) and I told her she was right. She says - 'I told you' (harmless right?) - I flipped out. Why? I think because I felt disrespected - I'm sensitive because this happens often. Try showing him the most trust/respect/appreciation you can muster and see if there is a change. About the physical/verbal abuse you are taking - that's got to stop - if it doesn't get out. His main job as a H is to love and take care of you - not hurt you. Sorry if it sounds like I'm taking his side - I'm not. You can only do what you can do - it's up to him to choose love over rage.
PooDoo - can you please seek IC? This is not normal or healthy someone who rationalizes abuse. If you are abusing your wife emotionally or verbally it is because you lack respect for yourself not because your wife does or does not respect you. It has nothing to do with her. It's about how you respond to your environment. Abuse in any form is NEVER ok. If work stresses you out and you cant find another job that doesn't than you should try to have something that relaxes you in your life. Something that makes you happy. Look into starting a hobby and a IC.
Wow - sorry ladies. Just some constructive advice to SAVE a troubled marriage. He very well may a monster that will never change - but don't be so hasty. The cottage cheese isn't the problem - right?!?! It's a bit more than that. I'm just trying to give 1 possible explanation why he is acting irrationally. I act the same way some times about seemingly petty things. How she sees things and how he sees things is important to try to understand. I don't understand women - I understand men.
PooDoo - can you please seek IC? This is not normal or healthy someone who rationalizes abuse. If you are abusing your wife emotionally or verbally it is because you lack respect for yourself not because your wife does or does not respect you. It has nothing to do with her. It's about how you respond to your environment. Abuse in any form is NEVER ok. If work stresses you out and you cant find another job that doesn't than you should try to have something that relaxes you in your life. Something that makes you happy. Look into starting a hobby and a IC.
Wow - sorry ladies. Just some constructive advice to SAVE a troubled marriage. He very well may a monster that will never change - but don't be so hasty. The cottage cheese isn't the problem - right?!?! It's a bit more than that. I'm just trying to give 1 possible explanation why he is acting irrationally. I act the same way some times about seemingly petty things. How she sees things and how he sees things is important to try to understand. I don't understand women - I understand men.
Well explain why he put his hands on her? That sound rational to you as a man? Manhandling your wife sounds like a good fix to feeling disrepected?
Please.
He has complete control of himself around his kids. Even at his stressful job... he knows how far to take it when he's mad or disrespected there. Why not at home?
He has no excuse. Male or female, you don't put your hands on each other. GTFO if you feel like you need to go there. Walk right out the front door and cool off.
Wow - sorry ladies. Just some constructive advice to SAVE a troubled marriage. He very well may a monster that will never change - but don't be so hasty. The cottage cheese isn't the problem - right?!?! It's a bit more than that. I'm just trying to give 1 possible explanation why he is acting irrationally. I act the same way some times about seemingly petty things. How she sees things and how he sees things is important to try to understand. I don't understand women - I understand men.
I was offended by your advice to treat her H with more respect/trust/appreciation. That is not constructive in my opinion and it is the opposite of what she needs to do. You do not coddle a child who is misbehaving.... You firmly let them know their behavior will not be tolerated, which is what the OP needs to do with her H and she needs to do it quick.
I was offended by your advice to treat her H with more respect/trust/appreciation. That is not constructive in my opinion and it is the opposite of what she needs to do. You do not coddle a child who is misbehaving.... You firmly let them know their behavior will not be tolerated, which is what the OP needs to do.
He's not a child (bad analogy). Don't remember saying coddle? My advice for her is to chose love over retaliation. Give it a try - but don't tollerate any more physical/verbal abuse. I thnk she wants to save her marriage with the man she loves, it's worth the fight in my opinion.
It's not a bad analogy, he is acting like a childish bully. That is MY opinion. I live with someone who can be a bully. And it's very childish. There is nothing MANLY about an abuser. NOTHING.
She does want to save her marriage, and that is why I was asking her the questions I asked her. But she needs to stand up for herself first and foremost. I suggested counseling, not divorce, but I did say that if he does not agree to counseling she needs to leave him.
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Re: Is is me? NEED HELP!!!! 
