General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi everyone,
I am in desperate need of some advise. I have been married for almost five years. In the past year or two my marriage has seemed to shift directions. My H and I argue a lot. And it is rarely about the important things. We seem to argue over the smallest meaningless things. My H blames me for it. He says all I want to do is argue. I feel that is wrong. When I am explaining something to him or explaining why I did something the way I did he considers that to be arguing with him. He tells me to shut up and listen to what he is saying because I am wrong. For example this is what happened last night. He called me from the store to ask what kind of cottage cheese to get for lasagna because the labels have changed. I told him the purple label or which ever one is low fat. When he got home this is what happened.
ME: Where is the cottage cheese?
HIM: In the cheese drawer.
ME: ( pulling it out of the fridge) Oh it does look the same.
HIM: WTF seriously you just wanted to prove me wrong.
ME: No I just wanted to see what the new one looked like and it looks the same.
HIM: You just wanna argue about everything I am so sick of your S. You should have kept it to yourself and not said anything.
Was I wrong for doing that even though I really just wanted to see the difference? Should I have kept it to my self. I don't know what to do. everything i do I feel like I am wrong or going to make him mad for doing something. In other arguments I feel like I am not heard like what I say doesn't matter. He will sometimes say I don't care what you thing. When the arguments get heated his temper really shows. He will sometimes grab and push me around, threaten to punch me in the face. It is terrifying to know that the person I love the most can do this to me. He does apologize for it sometimes. What should I do. He says all of it is my fault and I need to talk to someone about my issues. Please help I need some advise on how to fix this problem before it gets worse.
He sounds like he has an anger problem in general. He's mad at you before you start the conversation.
If my spouse threatened me with violence I'd be out of there. He only gets one time to do it, I'm not going to wait around to see if he will or won't... and grabbing me? Oh hell no.
When the arguments get heated his temper really shows. He will sometimes grab and push me around, threaten to punch me in the face.
Honey, that is abusive. You need some serious help right now. It sounds like he has some real anger management issues--and it does not matter WHY right now. No matter how much stress someone is under, they cannot treat you like that. Ever.
If it's anger management, he can get help for that--if he admits it is a problem. Learning to reduce stress helps a lot too.
When you suggest counseling, pay a LOT of attention to his response. If he puts everything on you, you have a bigger problem than anger management on your hands.
You need to set a boundary for yourself and stick to it. If you feel it will be dangerous, do not warn him--just prepare to move out quickly and secretly with the understanding that *if* he is willing to address his anger problems in counseling--individual (for him, and maybe for you) as well as marriage counseling, you will consider reconciling. If he refuses to get help, continues to blame you--cut your losses NOW and file for divorce. I'm serious--that's how serious of a Red Flag his behavior is.
If he begs you to come back, promising to change--well, at least he's accepting responbility. BUT someone who is abusive is truly contrite, but they do not know how to control their anger. I would advise refusing to go back unless counseling is already happening. If he says you cannot afford it, tell him the cost of NOT doing it will be the end of the marriage.
Do you have kids? That complicates things but makes your decisions so much more important.
If my spouse threatened me with violence I'd be out of there. He only gets one time to do it, I'm not going to wait around to see if he will or won't... and grabbing me? Oh hell no.
Yeah, this too. I'd probably leave and then suggest the possibility of counseling. I hope you understand how serious this is, no matter how much he might try to white-wash it.
Sister, Yes I do have kids. he has a son from a previous marriage and we have a 14 month old together. Thanks so much for your advise. I will be suggesting counselling for the both of us.
Was I wrong for doing that even though I really just wanted to see the difference? Should I have kept it to my self. I don't know what to do. everything i do I feel like I am wrong or going to make him mad for doing something. In other arguments I feel like I am not heard like what I say doesn't matter. He will sometimes say I don't care what you thing. When the arguments get heated his temper really shows. He will sometimes grab and push me around, threaten to punch me in the face. It is terrifying to know that the person I love the most can do this to me. He does apologize for it sometimes. What should I do. He says all of it is my fault and I need to talk to someone about my issues. Please help I need some advise on how to fix this problem before it gets worse.
First off, nothing was wrong with what YOU did with the cottage cheese.
Secondly, you are in an abusive relationship - verbal, physical, emotional.
Has your H always been like this? Are the two of you able to communicate in a respectable manner after the fact? Do you have close friends near you (in person) that you can discuss this with? You acknowledge it could get worse.
There are a few ways you can stop this from happening. One is for you to get out now. Two is IF your H recognizes his abusive ways NOW, accepts responsible NOW, wants to and is willing to make changes and work hard at it, it sometimes can get better. But just YOU wanting it to change will do nothing for a successful marriage to this man.
Do you have good communication with your H? If so, now is the time to speak up loudly. He sounds very dangerous and you have to be safe in your own marriage.
P.S. My H has been abusive throughout the course of our marriage. For the past few weeks, his temper has been creeping back up to an intolerable level. He and I were able to sit down last night and discuss it openly and with what we both determined to be a good resolve. But my H is open to change, he wants to have a fulfilling family life, he wants his children to adore him and not fear him, he wants his wife (me) to adore him and not fear him or become resentful.
If your H is open to changing for the better, it can happen - But just going through this again with my H over the last few weeks reminded the both of us that it can be a life long struggle. It might be easier as time goes on for him to control his temper, but some amount of struggle will always exist.
No he hasn't always been like this. It has been just the past year or two. When we aren't arguing he is very sweet to me and treats me like I should be treated. That's what makes this so hard. My communication with him is not the greatest. Sometimes he will ask me what's wrong or for me to be honest with him. I will tell him what's bothering me but sometimes I tell him "nothing I am fine" is fear of making him mad. He tells me what makes him made is me not being honest with him. I have been working on that part. After an argument I do apologize for what I feel I have done wrong.
No he hasn't always been like this. It has been just the past year or two. When we aren't arguing he is very sweet to me and treats me like I should be treated. That's what makes this so hard. My communication with him is not the greatest. Sometimes he will ask me what's wrong or for me to be honest with him. I will tell him what's bothering me but sometimes I tell him "nothing I am fine" is fear of making him mad. He tells me what makes him made is me not being honest with him. I have been working on that part. After an argument I do apologize for what I feel I have done wrong.
As others have suggested and I will add - Counseling can help open the lines of communication. I completely understand the not wanting to make him mad situation. And that's exactly what I told my H last night.. He asked me why don't I just point it out to him if I feel his temper is out of hand.... Yeah, right. I bit my tongue and waited until we got the kids to bed and we ended up having a decent conversation.
Can you pinpoint if an event has triggered his anger/temper in the past year or two? Perhaps that's something that could be addressed in counseling.
If the two of you cannot discuss this rationally, your next step should be counseling together if he's willing. If he's not willing, then your next step should be leaving him. I'm serious.
He has just lost both his grandparents. His Grandmother last March and his grandfather two weeks ago. Could it be his way of dealing with loss? Before them he has never had to deal with the loss of a loved one.
He has just lost both his grandparents. His Grandmother last March and his grandfather two weeks ago. Could it be his way of dealing with loss? Before them he has never had to deal with the loss of a loved one.
And with a new baby around the time he lost his Grandmother? It could be his way of dealing with the loss. But it doesn't make it right. You've been supportive I presume, so he's biting the hand that feeds him, that's unfortunate.
If he hasn't been abusive for the majority of the marriage, I would venture to say that yes, he's probably got unresolved issues due to his loss of loved ones or the stress of his job is also getting to him, or both.
Either way, it is not a healthy situation for you and that needs to be brought to his attention in one way, shape or form. You should not feel frightened in your own home, by the very man who claims to love you.
I didn't gather from your posts that he treats your children poorly, however, are they present when he treats you like this?
He treats the kids great. He would never do anything to harm them. He keeps his cool when the kids are up or around but if a huge argument starts after they are in bed then it is more likely to get "ugly." Although some may thing I am defending him when I say this but this is not a daily thing and the abusive behavior does not happen every time an argument happens.
27Likes
Is is me? NEED HELP!!!! 
Re: Is is me? NEED HELP!!!! 
