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Is this innocent?

2K views 5 replies 3 participants last post by  2000K&A 
#1 ·
My wife yesterday evening was checking her text messages, and there were several from a guy at the gym where she works out. (I'm not sure she realized I had walked behind her in our mudroom)
She says the story is this: She saw this guy's car in the lot ~2 wks ago, asked him about his nice car, said she'd like to set up her single friend with him, and they exchange phone #'s. (friend has yet to be set up) We go to look for a new car for her yesterday, and she texts him about it (we met at the dealer after work), telling him we're going to look for a new car, back and forth, yadayadayada. She says it's no big deal, and I have no reason to be unhappy about it. (She says, "He's 26, I'm 38, you have nothing to worry about. . .What, can I not have any friends that are guys? . . .Can I not talk to guys?. . . ." I say of course you can have friends that are guys, but I'm uncomfortable with exchanging phone #'s in the gym parking lot, and subsequent text messaging.)

Is this innocent, and nothing to be worried about?

It is extremely difficult for me b/c we've had some tough times. At a minimum, emotional affairs with her and other guys (and I suspect physical as well). We've been to counseling, and while our counselor sides with her on many things (I have a problem trusting her, and can therefore seem controlling--which I have improved tremendously about, at least in my mind!), he did agree that text messaging with guys at the gym was not a good idea for our marriage.

We have been doing so good together, as happy as we've been in a long time, but now I'm feeling insecure and saddened again. Am I over-reacting with my feelings?

Sorry for the long-winded post, and thanks for reading!

Married 8 years, 2 kids ages 4 & 6.
 
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#2 ·
Since your wife has a history of EAs this is not a mild concern. On the flip side your past hurt may make you hypersensitive and your insecurities are controlling your thought process. The age difference means nothing. There are plenty of guys who are attracted to older women. Have you discussed the parallels of her past behaviors in EAs and this situation? Does she see the possible dangers in this relationship? You have some valid concerns here and she needs to understand them. Since you have engaged in counseling before, does this warrant more?
 
#3 ·
Thank you for your response. I'm sure I'm hypersensitive. I agree that the age difference means nothing--it was her big defense, but I explained that it doesn't matter to me if he's 28, 38, or 48.

I explained that it makes me feel like I've felt before. I try to just explain my feelings, rather than judging and condemning her, and I guess that works to an extent.

Does she the potential dangers with this and our relationship? I don't see how she cannot see it. Does she care? Maybe not.

Does it warrant more counseling? Probably. I guess it might help, but I think we know what gets us in trouble, and what behaviors we can use to avoid that trouble (she and I both).

I guess I'm just feeling sad and frustrated, and feel about ready to separate so she can decide what she wants to do.
 
#4 ·
Does it warrant more counseling? Probably. I guess it might help, but I think we know what gets us in trouble, and what behaviors we can use to avoid that trouble (she and I both).
If she sees this as innocent, she may need further reinforcement from an outside opinion. How much contact is there? Have you checked the phone detail? Is she open about texting him around you or is it hidden.

Feeling a need to separate is way too early. Give this a chance with time and effort. If you bail now you’ll likely regret it as you haven’t explored every option at this time.
 
#6 ·
I have not checked the phone detail. Counselor said that is a Big No No. He said I need to trust her.

I have not seen her text him. To her credit, when I saw an unknown name 3 times when she was checking her phone yesterday, she did not hide it, and she told me who it was when I asked. Before that, she never said anything about him, except the day she saw his car and talked to him, she came home and told me what a great car she saw. She didn't mention anything about setting him up with her friend, or exchanging phone #'s.

Thanks again.
 
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