General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am 34 and have been married almost 4 years, my wife is 30. I would consider our marriage to be normal, not sure if that is a bad word on here...this is my first post. I simply mean that I felt content and happy. The following information may seem scattered, please bear with me. Last summer my wife was offered a head coaching position at one of the nicer high schools around the area. My feelings were mixed on this. I was happy for her to be given the oppotunity yet bummed as I know the time commitment it takes, even at the high school level. I ended being the number fan of this team...never missed a game and supported her fully. My wife is very competitive...a good thing I think. She runs marathons and triathalons and played collegiate sports. However, there are a few problems that come from this coaching deal. One, unless you have great talent on the team, you probably won't win every game. Problem one, I get verbally abused when her team doesn't win. There have been times when I can see her holding back tears while she walks though handshakes at the end of games. I once called her after a loss while I was at the store to see if she wanted me to pick her up something to eat. I said 'what would you like?' She said 'I don't care.' I said 'what sounds good to you?' She hung up on me. It makes me question her maturity level. Additionally, though the season is over, my wife comes home from work and spends about 2 hours checking and sending emails about team related stuff. When not doing that she reads a book...anything to be away from me.
I have enrolled myself back in school recently. I should also mention that I have been laid off since Nov 2011. Look, I am no psychiatrist...I know the symptoms of depression...I am sure you could classify me as depressed. Being unemployed is not fun and it weighs heavy on me. I am trying to make a better situation for myself and my wife. Story two...my wife teaches school. There was a snow strom here this year that prevented my wife from going to work for a week. I take online classes and have a schedule I like to keep in the day. It turns out though, when my wife has no school that I am to drop my studies and entertain her. In otherwords, I was an ******* for needing to work on an assignment for class.
A few days before this past x-mas, my wife's mother passed away from a freak accident. I am no good at dealing with these situations, I don't know if anyone is. I was completely supportive of her and did whatever I could for the family. About a week after the services my wife informed me that she had taken out her IUD and that it was time to have a baby. As I mentioned, I am unemployed. I was poor growing up and ate spaghetti and peanut butter sandwiches everyday. I think there would be a more appropriate time to plan to have children like when I am gainfully employed again. My wife is adamant about having atleast 2 children before she is 35. We talked about having children before marriage. I just don't want to have a child to have to struggle like I did. I want to provide a better life and now is not the time. Subsequently, I can count on one hand the amount of times we have made love since she removed her bc. I hope this does not make me sound calice, but my wife and her mother did not have a great relationship. They spoke maybe 4-5 times a year, though when together, they act like best friends. On the otherhand, I speak to my mother a few times a week. Her mother was one of those people who never grew up and abused substances all of her life, mainly alcohol. Now that she has passed things seem different around here. Quickly, my wife and I went to the store to get things for dinner a while back. She wanted to make me jambalaya. Coincidently, I had already had jambalaya a few days earlier and it didn't sound good to me. Apparently it was her moms recipe and I was an ******* for not wanting that and lead to her having a breakdown in the store. I was also informed on the ride home that 'this marriage f--king sucks.' That was in January, this was the first time she had ever said something like that and I felt gut shot. Those words hurt me.
Last night we went out to dinner to celebrate a fantastic employment opportunity I may have. I only have an interview but made the top 5 out of 267 applicants. I have been working a little with my neighbor at practicing interviewing who works in the HR field. My wife knows information but last night at dinner I was accused of having an affair. Completely insane. Again reminded how unhappy she was in the marriage. Honestly, I can't think of one time where we didn't have an argument while out for dinner. I understand why she has a guilty conscience. She cheated on me before we married and we worked though it. But that is twice recently I have been told that she is unhappy and it hurts. I am pretty convinced that she not only doesn't love me, but doesn't even like me.
Hopefully I don't come across as petty. There are obviously more than these instances. I can't envision myself having a child with her at the moment. We live in a city I don't like and don't want to live here long term. It just seems we are heading in different directions.
This is kind of all over the place...sorry. I welcome all thoughts and comments
Have you tried to sit down with her and discuss how each of you feel about the marriage? She has been very hurtful. She needs to know that. And she needs to tell you what's wrong. You are not a mind reader.
There is a lot in here, but one thing is clear: she is being verbally abusive if she is calling you names. That alone means you should be looking into marriage counseling (MC) b/c chances are that she will not think there is anything wrong with it, and there is. I don't care how frustrated she is with you (and you admit to some faults; good for you), she has no right to treat you--someone she is supposed to love--like this. In 20+ years of marriage and a lot of resentment and anger, I never called names or argued disrespectfully, and neither did my ex (with a couple of exceptions on his part). Really, being able to fight fair is essential for a good marriage, and counseling could help with that.
Do you still love your wife? Are you already thinking about someone else, even if nothing has happened yet?
Your post looks like you might be looking for "permission" to leave. If you do not love her and do not want to stay married, then you are the only one whose opinion on that issue matters.
If you want to improve things, then say so. I just don't think that is what you want.
Thanks Elegirl. I think about counseling regularly. We have gone before prior to getting married. Wouldn't you think my wife would initiate the idea of counseling if she wanted it to work? I don't have this anomosity toward her as she does for me.
Thanks Elegirl. I think about counseling regularly. We have gone before prior to getting married. Wouldn't you think my wife would initiate the idea of counseling if she wanted it to work? I don't have this anomosity toward her as she does for me.
She might be so caught up in this coaching thing that she cannot see what is going on with her. Honestly it sounds to me like the coaching is too much for her.
Thanks sisters. You know, I really was in love until that day she told me this marriage sucked. Since then those words have eaten at me a great deal and I question my feelings. Her family also gives me a hard time, mainly her father. A successful individual that takes subliminal shots at me for being unemployed. I applaud your perceptiveness becuase I do think about leaving daily, though, I do want this to work out. I think about leaving mainly because I can't give her what she wants at the moment. I feel like a loser and that I am holding her back of her life goals of a family but also feel held back some what myself professionally. I would have greater opportunities if we did not live here but she won't budge on moving.
Ele, she is a rookie coach. There is a learning curve no doubt. She had great season and I enjoyed being a fan but I would be asked to leave before she ever gave that up. Gauranteed.
Sorry you are having so many problems. I agree, it does sound as though you and your wife are moving in opposite directions. Definitely do not have a baby now!!! Your problems will only escalate.
I also fully understand about being at the breaking point. I've been there a long time. If there's any way you can get individual counseling, do so. And the sooner the better. You and your wife also need to consider marriage counseling. Your wife has a lot of unresolved issues she needs to address before your marriage will improve.
Hang in there! And good luck with the job interview.
A lot of this boils down for standing up for yourself and focusing on you. If you put your foot down and demand happiness of yourself, she'll follow suit.
Let's break it down.
Problem one, I get verbally abused when her team doesn't win. There have been times when I can see her holding back tears while she walks though handshakes at the end of games. I once called her after a loss while I was at the store to see if she wanted me to pick her up something to eat. I said 'what would you like?' She said 'I don't care.' I said 'what sounds good to you?' She hung up on me. It makes me question her maturity level. Additionally, though the season is over, my wife comes home from work and spends about 2 hours checking and sending emails about team related stuff. When not doing that she reads a book...anything to be away from me.
First, you should nip it in the bud as SOON as the verbal abuse starts. Don't have a shouting match, remain in control of yourself and your emotions, and tell her not to talk to you that way. Not ASKING or requesting that she not talk to you that way, simply look her in her eye and demand respect. And after you've said that, unless the response is an immediate apology, the conversation is over. Tell her you're done talking about it and you've said everything you have to say on the matter.
Regarding her behavior of avoiding you or doing anything to get away from you, you need to do the same. This is NOT a "You hurt me, so I'm going to hurt you" tit for tat type of thing, so be sure you don't come across that way. The bottom line is, you're a young dude with a lot going for you so you should act like it. She doesn't want to hang out and be your friend? So the f*ck what. Go hit a sports bar, hang out with your friends, go bowling, treat yourself to a nice steak dinner, hang out on the beach with a cold one, ANYTHING that is fun to you or makes you feel good about yourself. Marriage or no marriage, life is too short to base your happiness upon someone else giving you THEIR time or happiness.
And if she's the one, she'll realize she missed you and will be drawn to you and want to spend time. If not, you still had fun living your life and bettering yourself. And IF it comes to this, your healing time from leaving the marriage will be greatly reduced, because you didn't let her break you down and forget who you are.
I have enrolled myself back in school recently. I should also mention that I have been laid off since Nov 2011. Look, I am no psychiatrist...I know the symptoms of depression...I am sure you could classify me as depressed. Being unemployed is not fun and it weighs heavy on me. I am trying to make a better situation for myself and my wife.
All the more reason to better yourself. I don't claim to be a depression expert, so I won't touch on that. But I will say that there is nowhere to go but up if you better yourself. And you said a better situation for you and your wife. I'll do you one better and say make a better situation for YOURSELF. Do what you have to do to make YOUR situation better mentally, physically, professionally, spiritually, etc. And as a direct result, your wife's situation will be better. Her being married to a winner creates a winning household.
Story two...my wife teaches school. There was a snow strom here this year that prevented my wife from going to work for a week. I take online classes and have a schedule I like to keep in the day. It turns out though, when my wife has no school that I am to drop my studies and entertain her. In otherwords, I was an ******* for needing to work on an assignment for class.
Don't match her emotion, simply tell her you have business to handle, and handle your business. Ignore or deflect any illogical insults or tantrums. She's trying to get your goat by doing that. You're not lying, you have things to do. So tell her that, and do them. If she can't understand that the SHE'S the one that's out of line.
A few days before this past x-mas, my wife's mother passed away from a freak accident. I am no good at dealing with these situations, I don't know if anyone is. I was completely supportive of her and did whatever I could for the family. About a week after the services my wife informed me that she had taken out her IUD and that it was time to have a baby. As I mentioned, I am unemployed. I was poor growing up and ate spaghetti and peanut butter sandwiches everyday. I think there would be a more appropriate time to plan to have children like when I am gainfully employed again. My wife is adamant about having atleast 2 children before she is 35. We talked about having children before marriage. I just don't want to have a child to have to struggle like I did. I want to provide a better life and now is not the time.
I'm sorry for your wife's loss.
However, you can't go along for the roller coaster ride because that's emotional decision making. When she brings up taking out the IUD, wanting to start having kids quickly, etc. Simply ask, why? It's a simple question, but I think you'll find that when a person is speaking from pure emotion and no logic, a simple "Why?" will leave them without a good answer and put things into perspective.
Subsequently, I can count on one hand the amount of times we have made love since she removed her bc.
Back off sexually, while making yourself appealing to other women. I'm not saying cheat, but don't downplay yourself or shun attention from that pretty waitress or female friend you have in your circle. She needs to know that you're a catch.
At the same time, don't hang around her waiting, asking for or even expecting sex. Put it out of your head. If and when she wonders what's up, play it cool. She has to know that sex with you is a gift you both give each other, and not something one or the other controls.
I hope this does not make me sound calice, but my wife and her mother did not have a great relationship. They spoke maybe 4-5 times a year, though when together, they act like best friends. On the otherhand, I speak to my mother a few times a week. Her mother was one of those people who never grew up and abused substances all of her life, mainly alcohol. Now that she has passed things seem different around here. Quickly, my wife and I went to the store to get things for dinner a while back. She wanted to make me jambalaya. Coincidently, I had already had jambalaya a few days earlier and it didn't sound good to me. Apparently it was her moms recipe and I was an ******* for not wanting that and lead to her having a breakdown in the store. I was also informed on the ride home that 'this marriage f--king sucks.' That was in January, this was the first time she had ever said something like that and I felt gut shot. Those words hurt me.
Do NOT let on that she hurt you. Better yet, don't let her hurt you at all. On the jambalaya thing, tell her (sincerely) that you hurt for her and am horribly sorry for her loss. But her mother's death has nothing to do with you eating or not eating jambalaya. You'll be there for her if she needs support, but you're not going to be her emotional punching bag.
Once again, say what you have to say and then don't entertain any further conversation on the subject unless it's an apology.
And when she goes on with the "this marriage f*cking sucks" nonsense, tell her that if you're not the one she's absolutely free to leave the marriage and do whatever makes her happy. Don't say it out of anger, don't say it out of hurt, don't say it out of spite, say it out of logic. If a marriage sucks, it should end. That's logic.
She doesn't really mean that, she's only trying to hurt you by saying it. By you cutting through her bullsh*t tactics with logic, she'll realize that she's being ridiculous. She may try to flip it around on you and say something like "Oh, just like that, you're ready to walk away!" Do NOT let her do this. Simply shrug and tell her it's her decision. If she's not happy you don't want to be the one holding her back. Leave and go be happy.
Even if she really DOES hate the marriage and wants to leave, then your statement still rings true. You can't beg or make someone want to be with you, so you're really giving her what she wants. And most importantly, YOU can't be afraid to lose her. It'll hurt so bad if she does, but if you look at it from the perspective that you're only hurting yourself by being with someone who doesn't want to be with you, you take away her power to be able to hurt you with statements and actions like these.
Last night we went out to dinner to celebrate a fantastic employment opportunity I may have. I only have an interview but made the top 5 out of 267 applicants. I have been working a little with my neighbor at practicing interviewing who works in the HR field. My wife knows information but last night at dinner I was accused of having an affair. Completely insane. Again reminded how unhappy she was in the marriage. Honestly, I can't think of one time where we didn't have an argument while out for dinner. I understand why she has a guilty conscience. She cheated on me before we married and we worked though it. But that is twice recently I have been told that she is unhappy and it hurts. I am pretty convinced that she not only doesn't love me, but doesn't even like me.
Same as above.
Hopefully I don't come across as petty. There are obviously more than these instances. I can't envision myself having a child with her at the moment. We live in a city I don't like and don't want to live here long term. It just seems we are heading in different directions.
This is kind of all over the place...sorry. I welcome all thoughts and comment
You're not being petty at all. You have to take care of yourself and make yourself happy, and the rest will fall into place. If you follow this gameplan, and live with the thought that if she walked out of your life right now, you'd cry a bit, dust yourself off and then still live a great life, she CANNOT HURT YOU.
She's lashing out at you, and in a way testing you and wanting you to man up and put her in her place. If you'll take sh*t from her, you can't protect her from anything. That's the way she thinks about it subconciously. But if you live to take care of yourself, be a winner, and not let anybody, least of all the woman you're supposed to love, abuse you, then you'll be well on your way, my friend. Those ingredients make you a better person, and make her feel safe and secure being your lady.
Based on your posts about being unemployed, taking sh*t from her father, etc., she feels like she's one-upped you and is picking at your manhood. This is all the more reason to better yourself and not put up with her little tests. You are a man and a human being regardless of your employment situation, so act as such, and don't put up with anybody that treats you otherwise.
the first step to dealing with deppression is accepting it (you did thats a good start) next step doing something to fix it like productive hobbies/activities, school, work, exercise etc. next step cut out all negative such as gambling/drinking etc. communication is key. next step (this step is the hardest and this is where I am currently) digging in at the pain no matter how bad it gets. cry, feel sad, hurt get angry and frustrated but stay focussed and get to the problems, this takes alot alot of time but you will get there (i can see progress because im dedicated).
your wife may love you but depression is so draining and a selfish illness that love sometimes fades. My wife left me, she gave up on me but I decided that no matter what I wouldn't give up on me and instead of showing anger I showed her love and divorced her. I better myself each day and hold her close to my heart and one day I will hope to show her and make up for all that we went through. but it starts with me and if she never comes back, well at least
i can sleep knowing I did what most couldn't. accept my faults and change my bad behavior. stay positive my friend. I believe in you and remember, your wife is dealing with alot of stress. your depression and lack of financial support. her new job that requires alot of time and her dad and his opinions. if you love her let her know. tell her show her. throw out the trash. do laundry and get a job even if its minimum wage. value yourself. I pray for you and yours. cry if you need to but always return to your smile small steps will add up
If she is going to act like a baby she needs to be treated like one.
First she needs to stop bring her work home with her. she may or may not learn this until she gets older in her career or you man up and stop tolorating. Often a good spanking is in order.
As an alpha male you have every right to be firm but fair, and her crap from work should be hung on the tree in the front yard, she then can pick it up on her way back to work....if you know what I mean.
Respect is commanded so stop tolorating her bringing her work home and show her what happens when she can't put her big girl pants on and act like a professional and comes home a *sore losser* and treats her man like sh!t.
The big point is your tolorating it...stop enabling her to abuse you and show the confidence that will show her you can move on if she can't seperate her job and her love life.
Again be supportive, but firm in the belief that you want respect. Her tune should change once she gets bent over your knee.
In all serious man.... they get away with what we tolorate and what we let them get away with, so stand up and face her with an ego and confidence that shows her you are a man that command (NOT demands) respect. How ever you want to do this, just be fair and understanding, as you calmly acknowledge her bullsh!t towards you.
Sorry if I don't buy into the depression thing. She's disconnected from you. She has an agenda and you aren't part of it. Don't have a child right now. She doesn't respect you right now. Don't blame her, but don't make excuses for her behavior and decisions either. With no kids, no assets, and a desire to move, call it quits and you'll be doing both yourself and her a favor. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm starting to break 
