needymom

Five years ago I was in bad shape. I had a very stressful job and reached my breaking point. I decided to go back to school. My husband and family were very supportive. It was hard going down to one income but we did it. Last year I worked contract jobs and made good money so far this year I have had no job offers. I will admit I am struggling right now with my own depression and I try to keep my self busy.
After the birth of our first son 17 years ago my husband started to become distant. I would go through periods of saying that he should go to councelling but he never did. He had a hard childhood which I think is the root of the problem. When he is home he stays in his own little room and drinks. He doesn't really spend any time with us. It has been two years since we physcially slept together. His snoring is out of this world but he refuses to get help.
This year my oldest son is going through some mental problems. It hasn't been great living with him. Even though it has been rough I take it as a blessing that I haven't been working. With all his appointments he has during the week there is no way he would have gotten better if I was working. I tried to get help with my husband but it never happened.
My children know they can't count on their Dad. When he is home he is drunk they can't ask for a drive to go see their friends and they never have friends home since they are so embarassed by his drinking.
My husband will go days without talking to any of us. He comes home from work and goes downstairs to his little room to drink. He never informs me on our finaces etc. Last conversation I had with him he said he knows our marriage isn't good and he will do his thing and for me to do my thing.
He has a family history of heart disease and I know he is showing symptoms but still refuses to go to the doctor. He doesn't have any friends and I have talked to his brothers and sisters about his problems but no one will talk to him. He never goes out except to go to work.
Last night he was talking to one of our sons saying that we need to go on a family vacation. My son's reply was why so we can sit and watch you drink and then hear you snoring all night.
My sons are getting older and there will be a time when they move out. Then what do I have? Do I love my husband? Can't say I do, I feel nothing. It is like living with the invisible room mate. I am generally happy person and life is so short. I want to live and be happy. But when is there a good time to leave? I am not working right now I can't support our family. But am I harming my kids staying? I am sure part of my son's mental problem is caused by his Dad.

A Bit Much

Where would you go if you left?

And to answer your questions...

1) A good time to leave? Sounds like it was years ago.

2) Yes you're harming your children, though after all these years a lot of damage has already been done.

Mavash.

A good time to leave would have been years ago but it's never too late. But first you must take care of practical matters like yes where would you go and how would you support yourself.

I bet if you focused on THAT and less on your husband's problems you'd find the courage to leave.

needymom

Unfortunately I have no family that would take me and the kids in. If I go I will have to do it all on my own. I have been applying for jobs all over the country and did have one job offer on the other side of the country. The company offered me the job over the phone and deep down inside it just didn't seem right. I probably should have left years ago when I had a job but my income was low and I know I couldn't support the kids. Guess that is why I went back to school to get the job that I would be able to do it on my own. But I didn't expect the recession. Finding a new job at 45 years old is difficult. I know I can't change my husband. He doesn't know how to be a husband or a father and never will. All he knows is to go to work and then get drunk and be left alone. I have been hinting I want to paint the house and put it on the market. I certainly have the time but he doesn't want me to do that. I think he is aware when the house sells that is when I will ask for a divorce.

A Bit Much

What about friends? Do you have any?

Mavash.

Your house isn't going to sell if you don't get it on the market. And hints never work. If you want this done YOU will have to do it.

Acorn

Needymom - You can do this if you want to. Don't get hung up on the obstacles, but rather the path around them.

This board is a great place for support.

Between self-inspection, this board, and some individual therapy, I am almost a completely different person than I was a few years ago. If I can do it, I know you can too.

And try to think of the house this way: You want to be away from him, which means you'll be on your own. Getting the house market-ready is a great place to start doing something on your own while still in the relative comfort of familiar surroundings.

You CAN do it.

needymom

My closets friends were my friends that I worked with in my previous career but over the years we have drifted somewhat apart. I am reconnecting with old friends through facebook but I couldn't ask them to take us in. My current friends are my classmates but none of them could take us in either. The only friends that know of my family life are my x coworkers no else knows about my private life. Parents of my kids friends know something is wrong with our relationship because we never see us together. Recently one of my son's friends father just broke up with his second wife. We have shared coffee etc when the kids have been off playing. I enjoy his company but that is it. I am certainly not looking into getting into a relationship with someone but I do enjoy the company. Adult conversation with anyone would do.

A Bit Much

You sound like you've spent years isolating yourself as much as your husband has. No man is an island.

Call a listing agent and get your house listed. If you truly need to paint, go pick some up and grab your son and his friends to help you get it done. Order some pizza and get some Pepsi's or whatever and ask for their assistance.

Talking about it isn't making anything happen. You have to take action to get it done.

needymom

Your right Acorn!! I am always afraid I will upset my husband. Not sure why I think that. I need to get this house painted and on the market. I need a home that my kids can have their friends over and not be ashamed of their father. I need a job too!!

marriedat19

First off read all of that together... your kids are definitely having problems because they have a drunk for a father. If the only time he is ever sober is at work, you need to meet him for lunch and talk while he is sober.. And go over everything listed above.. and let him know you are debating on leaving and will do it if he doesn't help himself...

needymom

There hasn't been a time where he has been totally sober at home in years. Vary rarely he gets so drunk he can't walk, but in my opinion he isn't sober. He works 12 hours shifts and when he is home he is downstairs drinking, or doing something in his "man den" or he is sleeping. I can't go to his work to talk to him. We can't even sit down to watch a movie he slips away to his "man den". In the past I have pleaded for him to get help but he never has. He calls me a "cold fish" and maybe I am. I honestly can't see himself ever helping himself especially for his family. Our son was suicidal a couple months ago. Did he help? No. I cashed in some of my RRSP's for treatment and all I get is complaints the treatment is too expensive. I feel like a complete idiot that I haven't left him years ago. If he was out of the picture what would our lives me like today?

A Bit Much

You can't do anything about the past. It's done. Your present is what you need to work on, so you can move into the future without any of this baggage holding you back from what you really want.

When you know better you do better. Now you know what you have to do so get to it.

needymom

I am so glad I posted. You guys are really helping me. I know this marriage is done. There is no helping him, I can't help him and his family doesn't want to help him. I have to really get serious and think how I can get myself and my sons out of this. I have no idea what our finances are like, he keeps me out of that. I have no idea how much he makes. I doubt he will pay child support without a fight. So I have to do this on my own. I can't see making a clean split without a job and what marital financial disaster is lerking. My unemployment insurance is going to run out at the end of April. Any advice?

A Bit Much

Do you have access to your accounts? How are your unemployment checks distributed? If it's coming to you don't cash another check in any account he's associated with. Open your own. Can you get an extension?

Go apply everywhere you can for a job. Check your local paper, fast food, restaurants, retail... get out there before the rush of college students come home. After April you are less likely to find anything because they'll be hiring students for those types of jobs.

I'm sure your state has a website to visit re:child support/aid. You may have to consider this as an option... going on welfare has a stigma attached to it, but it's there really for people just like you. Take advantage of it. Find an agency near you and make an appointment. All they can tell you is NO. That's no worse than where you are right now.

It's very empowering to finally take control when you feel you've been out of control of anything for so long. Use that feeling to keep you focused on your goal... GETTING OUT. Spend your days in active pursuit of that goal. You'll be less and less focused on him if you're doing that.