General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Ok, so I'm a firm believer in both the MMSL teachings of alpha/beta balance as well as The 5 Love Languages. The issue in my mind however is, when one's love tank is feeling a little empty, is addressing it with your spouse a direct conflict of interest against the MMSL teachings that discussing feelings can come off as too beta and weak?
Would love to her a lot of different opinions on this one.
I am a big advocate of communication, so I would address this issue. How will she be aware of your unhappiness if you don't let her know what is going on? That said, you must do it in a way that does not come off as whiny or complaining.
Use I statements, such as "When this happens I feel. . ." What you don't want to do is make her feel defensive and have her shut down.
If you don't address this, resentment will build, and resentment kills love.
Can you give us some examples of what you want her to understand about you?
I am a big advocate of communication, so I would address this issue. How will she be aware of your unhappiness if you don't let her know what is going on? That said, you must do it in a way that does not come off as whiny or complaining.
Use I statements, such as "When this happens I feel. . ." What you don't want to do is make her feel defensive and have her shut down.
If you don't address this, resentment will build, and resentment kills love.
Can you give us some examples of what you want her to understand about you?
I agree completely, I don't find discussing unhappiness in the relationship is in anyway beta.
Beta is not standing up for oneself, having no self esteem, meeting her needs by sacrificing yours, etc...
But the OP's post is vague, "Love Tank" is very broad, what is missing? Physical intimacy? Emotional intimacy? Not enough time together?
I'd like to know if I'm ffing up. The thought of my spouse being unhappy about something I'm doing or not doing doesn't sit well with me. And since I can't read minds (damn magic 8 ball!!) it would be okay if he told me.
Well, my primary love language is physical touch and so is hers, but mine is more extremely primary (11 score vs. 8 hers). Mine is so extreme that I'm starting to notice a true dependency on it. For example, an entire week has gone by without any real close intimacy between us and I'm starting to fall back into that dark place of loneliness again.
Over the past few months I've been slowly bringing her into my world of new-found relationship knowledge little by little (not trying to overload her with it), and all-in-all we've made some decent progress about meeting needs. I'm definitely on top of things like I've never been before, making sure I'm meeting all her needs... And I do feel she now has more of an awareness about my needs than she did before, but I feel like she's still not up there at my level on all of this... I feel like she still doesn't quite "get it" like I do.
We've had some discussions already, and I was pretty cautious in making sure I didn't come off as whiny about it or complaining... I think I have a pretty good "alpha style" to my discussions to a certain degree. And I'm also cautious enough to make sure I'm not over-discussing something like beating a dead horse too because that's sure to drive a wedge. I make a point, she opens her eyes a little and tells me she'll "try harder", and for the most part she does make improvement. But going a whole week without her initiating some affection toward me still hurts pretty fvcking bad, and my pain is legitimate. So wtf am I supposed to do, not address it in fear of coming across as "too beta" but then simultaneously be accused of bottling up and not communicating what's bothering me?
Something else that kinda hurts me is that back in January I asked her if she would read a book about relationships and she said "Yes, if it's important to you I will." So I gave her the 5 Love Languages book and she started reading it, but she got through 4 chapters and didn't make much more progress since. There's been a lot of other things going on to distract her which is why she hasn't, so I'm trying not to hold it against her. But we recently went away to the Bahamas for 5 days and to my surprise she brought the book with her... so I was hopeful she would continue. But a co-worker also lent her a kindle and she ended up plowing through some other novel instead the entire trip. Didn't touch the Love Languages book at all. Then the other night in bed she attempted to read the Love Languages book again, but she really can't read in bed because it just makes her tired so she put it down after like 6 pages.
I just feel like I'm so aware of our relationship now that I'm so into us again and she's still on the outside, only half-trying. I don't think she's doing it to be hurtful, she's seriously a wonderful person.
I also think my dependency on my Love Language is also another problem, and I don't know how to change that. It's starting to make me angry at myself because it makes me feel needy. Kinda wish I was someone else sometimes.
I also think my dependency on my Love Language is also another problem, and I don't know how to change that. It's starting to make me angry at myself because it makes me feel needy. Kinda wish I was someone else sometimes.
You cannot change your love language any more than you can change the color of your eyes. You are wanting her to initiate and touch you more. Have you tried leading her to this? Playful slaps on the butt, flirty texts, non-sexual affection, kisses on the back of her neck?
As far as her not reading relationship books, some people just do not understand why books can provide insight. I love books, but my husband wouldn't read one to save his life. Well, maybe if his life were really at stake, but he is not wired that way.
Can you bring up your insights in a neutral discussion? Maybe bring examples of people you know in a similar situation?
It doesn't sound like you two are too far apart. I think you can work on this with thoughtful actions.
I just feel like I'm so aware of our relationship now that I'm so into us again and she's still on the outside, only half-trying. I don't think she's doing it to be hurtful, she's seriously a wonderful person.
If she's so wonderful she wouldn't be TRYING to meet your needs she'd be DOING it. She chose to read a novel instead of a book that was important to you.
Oh and she's lying about her love language being physical touch. Don't worry my husband did too. His is gifts.
His drive is low and I promise you his actions (when I began paying attention) let me know in no uncertain terms physical touch wasn't at the top of his list.
I will agree with you on this. She isn't doing it to be hurtful. She truly just doesn't realize how important this is to you. Which is why the 180 is so effective. Wakes them up.
going a whole week without her initiating some affection toward me still hurts pretty fvcking bad, and my pain is legitimate. So wtf am I supposed to do, not address it in fear of coming across as "too beta" but then simultaneously be accused of bottling up and not communicating what's bothering me?
Can you say something like.... "I've missed you this week" and she take the message? My husband and I do this and we know what it means for each other.
It's saying "I want you" or "I love you" without coming off as being needy and having a long discussion about it. It's being vulnerable without totally coming off as a whiner.
And I would let her know that reading that book is very important to you. You're reaching out to her to help strengthen what you have together, and you want to know she's willing to try something new that could help.
You are wanting her to initiate and touch you more. Have you tried leading her to this? Playful slaps on the butt, flirty texts, non-sexual affection, kisses on the back of her neck?
Yeah, I'm definitely leading her frequent enough... I've been doing ALL of that. In fact all the intimate exchanges this week I'm pretty sure have started with me. The warmest thing I got from her (that she initiated) was her coming up to me this morning while I was sitting at the computer and wrapping her arms around me and telling me she loved me. I'm pretty sure at this point she sensed something was wrong with me which is what made her do it. But that was seriously the only initiation I got from her this entire week. It felt good, but almost too-little- too-late-good.
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Originally Posted by lovesherman
Can you bring up your insights in a neutral discussion? Maybe bring examples of people you know in a similar situation?
That's kinda been my approach the last few months already. I know she's hearing it, I just don't know how much she's really retaining all of it. And I don't want to keep repeating myself too in risk of getting into the "beating a dead horse" zone, which I feel can definitely lead to coming off as too beta/weak.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesherman
It doesn't sound like you two are too far apart. I think you can work on this with thoughtful actions.
You're probably right, because I don't feel like we're that far apart either. But I've really been trying hard to be thoughtful lately in so much. I really spend a lot of time now thinking about "how I can make her feel loved today?"... Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one thinking that way.
Do you think she is acts of service or quality time? If so, do you do things around the house, or spend 10-15 hours per week in mutually pleasurable activities? If she is gifts, do you get her little things often?
The other possibility is that you are doing too much for her, and if that is the case, you need to do the emotional 180 to make her see that she is not meeting your needs.
Do you think she is acts of service or quality time? If so, do you do things around the house, or spend 10-15 hours per week in mutually pleasurable activities? If she is gifts, do you get her little things often?
She actually has 2 primary love languages - physical touch and acts of service. Yeah I'm doing my best to fulfill both of them. I was lacking in the acts of service before I came to TAM and had my revelation... but since I've been on top of my game in both.
I've really been trying hard to be thoughtful lately in so much. I really spend a lot of time now thinking about "how I can make her feel loved today?"... Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one thinking that way.
And this is a problem.
Look I've been where you are and a 180 was what got me back on track. I turned my energy back to ME and less on him. It really does work if you do it right and for the right reasons.
Your wife is too comfy in your relationship and that's a problem.
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Love Language vs. Beta Weakness 
