Am I stubborn or he is too sensitive
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Old 03-31-2012, 02:40 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Am I stubborn or he is too sensitive

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. He is a great guy and he loves me very much. The catch is that he is ultra sensitive. He always told me that itís history of his life to be ignored and disrespected.

He says he is told that someone told him the room gets smaller when he enters. He says what ever in his life got was broken. Like a toy he got, or his family (he was adopted and he always felt like an outsider but not because he was adopted. Heís sister is also adopted but she was never treated the same way as him. He says his opinions never mattered and the parents specially his dad was and is disappointed in him.

It seems like he is over it and when he talks about it he is not angry and he is like accepting it and not blaming him self for his dadís attitude.

My problem with him is that I feel like he is over ultra sensitive. I feel like the amount and the degree of respect he requires is a little too much. Therefore I am here to ask about your opinion.

My car is worth about $200. The windshield has some water stain on it, but itís not on driver side and it dose not bother me. He told me to find out how much it was too replace it. First I had to call insurance and find out if I was covered. I knew I wasnít but he asked me to call to make sure. Then he asked me to call around and ask how much to replace it.
After a whole lot of research I told him 179 the cheapest. He said go for it and I said no. I didnít want to spend that much on my car. Besides it was not bothering me (still isnít).

Couple months later when he was in a serious stage he said I donít have respect for him. I ignored his wish and just did what I wanted to do without paying attention to his wish.

Episodes like this happen a little too often. Now he is threatening me by moving out if I donít start showing him some respect.

Am I stubborn or he is too sensitive? Canít I have a saying about my car and our money?

He says if I have a valid reason he would respect but I think I do. I donít want to spend money on my car!
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Old 03-31-2012, 07:15 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I stubborn or he is too sensitive

It's not about the car.

Why do you think the amount and degree of respect he would like is too much?
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Old 03-31-2012, 08:02 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I stubborn or he is too sensitive

You would have noticed that at the time you said no, he didn't say anything. He brought it up months later. Which means he didn't rant and rave at the time that you went against his wish, but he remembered it because he felt disrespected.

Of course you can do what you like with your car, but I'm guessing that his reaction and wanting you to show him more respect or he's moving out, that this isn't a one off.

Do you listen to his wants/opinions/advice everytime? Do you respect him as your husband? If he wants something different to you, do you ever compromise or respect his wish in some instances or do you just ignore him and do what you want, everytime? Whilst that is your right as a human being, it's not going to make him feel very respected as your husband. He needs to feel valued and trusted.

Food for thought.
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Old 03-31-2012, 09:05 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I stubborn or he is too sensitive

He does sound like a glass half full kind of guy, always looking for the negative side of things. Since he is so sensitive, do you bolster his ego whenever you can? Praise him when he does something well? What is the tone of your discussions? Do you exhibit contempt toward him? Ever call him names when you argue?

I do agree about the car--crazy to put that much money into a car with little value.

Ask him to be honest with you, and tell you respectfully when he is resentful of a comment that you made. If he feels safe with you, hopefully he will be able to overcome some of his sensitivity.
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Old 03-31-2012, 09:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I stubborn or he is too sensitive

He sounds like he is very passive aggressive, this is typical behavior of a beta male.

I know because Im a recovering beta, I used to do that with the ex all the time. Bottle up stuff eventually it'll come out in an explosion.

If he wants respect he needs to man up.

When he wanted you to do all those things to the car such as checking and calling he should have done that himself.

He needs to be able to discuss things that are bothering him openly and not hold it in.

He can start by reading "No More Mr Nice Guy" there's a link to a ebook somewhere on this site you can get for free. This may help him understand who he is and maybe help him get to be the person he wants to be. It's probably a good idea to read it together as some of the changes the book wants you to do could affect his behavior towards you or the relationship.
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Old 03-31-2012, 09:54 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I stubborn or he is too sensitive

I agree with Token - he sounds very passive aggressive.

It's your car. The windshield isn't bothering you. The car is only worth $200, but he is threatening to leave you if you don't spend $179 on it? That doesn't make sense. Saying you will leave your spouse over a windshield is crazy anyway.
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Old 03-31-2012, 10:21 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I stubborn or he is too sensitive

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I agree with Token - he sounds very passive aggressive.

It's your car. The windshield isn't bothering you. The car is only worth $200, but he is threatening to leave you if you don't spend $179 on it? That doesn't make sense. Saying you will leave your spouse over a windshield is crazy anyway.
I think he's saying that he doesn't feel respected. I doubt it is just over this car. There is a bigger issue here. Whether she is not respecting him, or he is just feeling that way, that is something they need to work out.

He didn't say anything about the car until months later so I'm guessing he's not a control freak. He sounds like he is not feeling respected and I think she needs to really hear him out about what he's saying. Because maybe he will walk if he keeps feeling like that. My guess is she may do things like the car instance a lot more than just this once, and he feels like she's not listening to his wishes, ignores him and doesn't respect him.

There has to be more to this story than just the car scenario. That's just the one she is focused on. Either way, he's said he doesn't feel respected in his "serious stage" and wants to walk away, so I would be taking it seriously that he's felt this way for some time.
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Old 03-31-2012, 10:36 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I stubborn or he is too sensitive

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I think he's saying that he doesn't feel respected. I doubt it is just over this car. There is a bigger issue here. Whether she is not respecting him, or he is just feeling that way, that is something they need to work out.

He didn't say anything about the car until months later so I'm guessing he's not a control freak. He sounds like he is not feeling respected and I think she needs to really hear him out about what he's saying. Because maybe he will walk if he keeps feeling like that. My guess is she may do things like the car instance a lot more than just this once, and he feels like she's not listening to his wishes, ignores him and doesn't respect him.

There has to be more to this story than just the car scenario. That's just the one she is focused on. Either way, he's said he doesn't feel respected in his "serious stage" and wants to walk away, so I would be taking it seriously that he's felt this way for some time.
Of course she doesn't respect or even realize that she doesn't respect him. How could she? Her husband is whiney and overly sensitive, while she didn't say that nor him saying it himself it is reflected in the post and how she views him.

The problem isn't her, it's him and how he carries himself, therefore that is how she views him. He has to fix it in order for others to view him differently.
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Old 03-31-2012, 10:38 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I stubborn or he is too sensitive

I agree, he sounds like he might be a tad bit passive-aggressive. I just recently read the book Living With the Passive-Aggressive Man, and it was like reading the story of my life, how dead-on it was. Check it out or read online about passive-aggressive behavior and see if you notice some similarities between what you read and what you experience with your H.

The respect thing is hard to gauge. Like everyone else said, it's probably not isolated to the car event for him -- he has probably felt disrespected for quite some time, over various issues.

The crux of figuring this out, though, is to figure out: Are you really disrespecting him on a more frequent basis than you care to admit or realize, OR is his perception of how you treat him ALWAYS going to be considered disrespectful in his mind?

I go through this with my H a lot. It doesn't matter what I say, he takes it as an attack and a put-down, and considers it disrespectful. For instance, I can be crabbing about what a miserable day of work I had -- just venting -- and he will start yelling at me telling me he didn't cause me to have a bad day and I "will not take it out on him." From my end, I'm clearly not taking anything out on him; I'm simply complaining because I had a bad day that tested my patience and need to vent. Often, I even preface my ranting with, "I'm not yelling at you, I'm just venting." Doesn't matter; his perception is his perception, and in his mind, I am being disrespectful and yelling at him. I haven't found a way to overcome this yet.

I would suggest that at a time when everything is calm and you guys are getting along well that you explore this with him. Ask him point-blank why he feels like he is being disrespected by you. What do you do specifically that makes him feel that way? When I did this, I was amazed at some of the responses I got. Some of them I could fix, some of them were simply perception issues on his part that he had to own and stop taking so personally.

If your H is passive-aggressive, though, I would caution you that it is hard for both spouses to overcome. He is just wired that way and can't seem to make a dent in getting over it. I'm not wired to stop, think, contemplate and phrase/present everything that comes out of my mouth to make sure it is "soft" enough for his sensitivity to handle it. It's too much work to do that, and trying it actually made communication issues worse, because I just quit saying anything for fear of it being perceived wrong. PA men are high maintenance in a way that you can't understand until you live with one.

Last edited by nomoretogive; 03-31-2012 at 10:58 AM.
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Old 03-31-2012, 10:44 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I stubborn or he is too sensitive

Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. Sigh. I've lived that.

People who are fearful of abandonment (at their core) cannot abide confrontation, but want to assert themselves. Every single time they do not "win" in some difference of opinion or debate or discussion or whatever, it is a blow to their sense of self. Their ego is too fragile.

My ex felt and said that I was "much stronger" than he was. I accommodated his ego as much as possible, but the reality was that unless I lay down on EVERY issue, he would feel disrespected. And who knows, even if I had, the "disrespect" from others would have kept him in his negative mode. If the problem is within the person, the behaviors of others will never be enough to make it right.

OP, how would you have felt had he just taken care of the windshield himself, even if you didn't want to spend the money? If you would feel, "Ok, if it was important enough to him to do it, then I can live with it." Or would you have been angry he spent the money "unnecessarily" from your p.o.v.?

If you are ok with him just taking care of things he wants done, tell him that.

BUT--I suspect that part of what is important to him is asserting his will over yours. This is a deadend if you are not completely submissive--as relatively few adults are. Again, it goes back to the bottomless pit of a damaged ego--nothing you do can fix it. He needs help, if that is the case.
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Old 03-31-2012, 10:47 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I stubborn or he is too sensitive

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He sounds like he is very passive aggressive, this is typical behavior of a beta male.

I know because Im a recovering beta, I used to do that with the ex all the time. Bottle up stuff eventually it'll come out in an explosion.

If he wants respect he needs to man up.

When he wanted you to do all those things to the car such as checking and calling he should have done that himself.

He needs to be able to discuss things that are bothering him openly and not hold it in.

He can start by reading "No More Mr Nice Guy" there's a link to a ebook somewhere on this site you can get for free. This may help him understand who he is and maybe help him get to be the person he wants to be. It's probably a good idea to read it together as some of the changes the book wants you to do could affect his behavior towards you or the relationship.
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Just want to say that these two things are dead-on, and hold a lot of weight coming from a recovering beta guy with PA tendencies who gets it

These guys often DO need to man up, because they tend to be overly sensitive, expect their spouses to read their minds, and then when that doesn't happen -- because, hey, it can't -- they punish the spouse with ridiculous things, like "I will leave over the car."

You have a responsibility as a wife to treat your husband with respect and not tear him down at every turn. He has a responsibility, too, though to communicate with you when things are bothering him to the extent that he would consider leaving over them, rather than pulling a "stupid" incident out of the air and acting as though the marriage hinges upon that thing being resolved.

Because I promise, even if you capitulated on the car thing and did it his way, it's not going to fix your problem. This goes much deeper than that. These guys just seem to have a real problem dealing with the real issue but picking some silly thing to use to present their case. Often you have to look much deeper than the words coming out of their mouths, and then find a way to get them to open up about what's really bothering them, because they tend not to do it on their own.

Have you guys gone to marriage counseling? Is it something he would agree to try?
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Old 03-31-2012, 10:50 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I stubborn or he is too sensitive

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Of course she doesn't respect or even realize that she doesn't respect him. How could she? Her husband is whiney and overly sensitive, while she didn't say that nor him saying it himself it is reflected in the post and how she views him.

The problem isn't her, it's him and how he carries himself, therefore that is how she views him. He has to fix it in order for others to view him differently.
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Her husbands whiny because months after the incident (not at the time) he brought it up once that he felt disrespected over it and he's tired of feeling like that?

No one here knows the whole story but I'm sure if a woman said that (and I'm a woman) she wouldn't be called "whiny". It would be "valid". I don't think labelling him as whiny and overly sensitive with few little facts is fair.
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Old 03-31-2012, 10:50 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I stubborn or he is too sensitive

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Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. Sigh. I've lived that.

People who are fearful of abandonment (at their core) cannot abide confrontation, but want to assert themselves. Every single time they do not "win" in some difference of opinion or debate or discussion or whatever, it is a blow to their sense of self. Their ego is too fragile.

My ex felt and said that I was "much stronger" than he was. I accommodated his ego as much as possible, but the reality was that unless I lay down on EVERY issue, he would feel disrespected. And who knows, even if I had, the "disrespect" from others would have kept him in his negative mode. If the problem is within the person, the behaviors of others will never be enough to make it right.

OP, how would you have felt had he just taken care of the windshield himself, even if you didn't want to spend the money? If you would feel, "Ok, if it was important enough to him to do it, then I can live with it." Or would you have been angry he spent the money "unnecessarily" from your p.o.v.?

If you are ok with him just taking care of things he wants done, tell him that.

BUT--I suspect that part of what is important to him is asserting his will over yours. This is a deadend if you are not completely submissive--as relatively few adults are. Again, it goes back to the bottomless pit of a damaged ego--nothing you do can fix it. He needs help, if that is the case.
Not to hijack, but Sisters I just want to tell you that your posts are always so helpful and so insightful, and I love reading your advice. You're my hero and I want to be as smart as you when I grow up!!!

OP, read this, and then read it again. It's priceless.
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Old 03-31-2012, 10:55 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I stubborn or he is too sensitive

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Originally Posted by sisters359 View Post
Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. Sigh. I've lived that.

People who are fearful of abandonment (at their core) cannot abide confrontation, but want to assert themselves. Every single time they do not "win" in some difference of opinion or debate or discussion or whatever, it is a blow to their sense of self. Their ego is too fragile.

My ex felt and said that I was "much stronger" than he was. I accommodated his ego as much as possible, but the reality was that unless I lay down on EVERY issue, he would feel disrespected. And who knows, even if I had, the "disrespect" from others would have kept him in his negative mode. If the problem is within the person, the behaviors of others will never be enough to make it right.

OP, how would you have felt had he just taken care of the windshield himself, even if you didn't want to spend the money? If you would feel, "Ok, if it was important enough to him to do it, then I can live with it." Or would you have been angry he spent the money "unnecessarily" from your p.o.v.?

If you are ok with him just taking care of things he wants done, tell him that.

BUT--I suspect that part of what is important to him is asserting his will over yours. This is a deadend if you are not completely submissive--as relatively few adults are. Again, it goes back to the bottomless pit of a damaged ego--nothing you do can fix it. He needs help, if that is the case.
Very insightful
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Old 03-31-2012, 11:02 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Her husbands whiny because months after the incident (not at the time) he brought it up once that he felt disrespected over it and he's tired of feeling like that?

No one here knows the whole story but I'm sure if a woman said that (and I'm a woman) she wouldn't be called "whiny". It would be "valid". I don't think labelling him as whiny and overly sensitive with few little facts is fair.
Maybe I'm wrong, but the history she gave about him, does in fact say a lot.
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