General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My three people i know (my age) who married before 24ish are all divorced and in second marriages now. My grandparents married at 18 in 1944 and were married until my gramps passed. That's not the norm now.
Most of my friends married in their late 20s/early 30s. We all had live in boyfriends, etc..but marriage was later. Maybe it's a regional thing? I am not sure.
I'm probably biased on this. I was married at 18. Our marriage lasted two years, and one of those was for the year of separation required before divorce. It was one of the worst decisions I ever made. Looking back, I don't even know that my ex-husband and I really knew each other beyond the most shallow of depths, but that could be because we still didn't know ourselves very well yet at that age. It's true that people do a lot of changing between 18 and 25. Heck, I'm still changing.
I wish somebody had stopped me, but, of course, nobody could have. Nobody can stop you, either.
I moved in with my husband at 18 and got married at 21. We have been married for 16 years. It worked for us but I do not know of another couple around my generation or younger that married as young as us and are still together.
I will say that both my husband and myself were mature for our age and had had responsibilities that were not normal for teenagers. As well, my parents is a great example for us. They have been married for 50 years.
Any marriage takes commitment and hard work no matter your age.
For these reasons, I must add I really liked Mom_In-Love response.
Thank you all very much for the responses so far. I have asked this question in one other place and it had seemed like it was mostly older people who had never been married responding telling me that I should not marry for 5 or 6 more years. The overwhelming number of people who say that it is too early has made me have second thoughts about marrying at this age. It isn't that I have doubted the connection that I have with him, it is that I feel that society would not accept us being married at this age.
I do have another concern right now, though. It seems that in the other place where I asked a question similar to this as well as here, many have said that they married at age 18, yet they are deadset against anyone else doing it. I'm just curious as to exactly why this is, if anyone could explain.
Finally, I feel that I should add a few more details. As of right now, he and I are technically juniors in high school, but we attend the local community college instead and the credits count both towards high school and our two-year degree. We both will be getting our two year degree when we graduate. This way, we wanted to marry before going to a university together. We know which school we would like to attend and both are planning to go for a doctoral degree; his in astrophysics, mine in marine biology. We will have been dating for a little over two years if we do marry when we planned to. As I said, I realize that this is young for most people to be married, but in a way, I feel that if he and I were lucky enough to find someone that we have such a deep connection with and feel so comfortable with, I shouldn't take it for granted or wait simply because society says that that is what is right. Perhaps I am only saying this, as some of you mentioned, because I am young and in love, but I'm not so sure that waiting 5 years or so is what I should do.
Here is my experience. I'm nearing 25 years old, so I'm not really the "older" part of society.
I started dating my husband 3 months after I graduated at 18. I moved in with him 2 weeks after we started dating. I absolutely adored him, head over heels in love, and we had that magical connection that everyone wants to have. I was the girl who couldn't join into the complaining party because I had no complaints about my man, he was that awesome. after a year and a half, we got our first apartment together on our own, I worked full time through my degree, we started attending church, got engaged after almost 3 years together. a year later we got married. I was almost 22 when we got married.
Everyone wanted to warn me about getting married young, but no one could, because what we had was so solid, and we were so happy and perfect for eachother, I never questioned things, my mom couldn't come up with any reason why we shouldn't, there was nothing, we were "that" couple. (we married in 2009)
Last year after a year of brutal hell between us, and the previous year being a consistent down hill slide, I finally left my husband when he told me his drug buddies were more important than I was, after he dropped out of school (a nice $40,000 set back) I had sunken so deep into depression that I barely ate, only was awake long enough to go to work, or drink myself happy and sleepy, and it was work for me to even bother to let my dog outside. I stopped crying regularly because I resorted to drinking my tears away. It got abusive between us mentally, emotionally, and verbally, and I am not passing this all on him.
I tried all this past year, and we were even working on reconcilling (or attempting) most recently. Unfortunately, it's over, and I am so drained I couldn't try again if he was suddenly overtaken by someone else in the same body.
When I left, I had no more goals in life, no more personality, I just had nothing. I could not have told you what my favorite thing to eat was, because i had none. I was so into my marriage, and into making us, that I forgot to make ME in the prime years of my life where young adults develop who they are.
Marriage is huge, its powerful, and it is worth waiting for. I had what you're describing you have, and it is the most amazing thing in the world, it truly is, but here I am seven years later, and none for the better. couple years of depression under my belt, and my beloved husband completely out of the picture.
There's no need to rush, you sound like your planning a good story to tell your future kids, and that is all well and good, but I strongly recommend you two take the time to enjoy life NOW and in the present before you take your vows.
I sincerely wish I had, because having waited, I wouldn't be looking at life from the perspective and starting point (again) that I am now, and I might still have my love.
I am just curious as to what everyone's thoughts are on marriage when you are 18. I am currently 17 and my boyfriend is as well, we have been dating for about a year. He and I plan on getting engaged this december when he is 18 and I am about to turn 18. After that, we will both graduate the next summer then get married before going away to university together. I guess I would just like to know what everyones thoughts are on my situation, or on marriage at age 18 in general.
I think it`s crazy for the usual reasons.
Why intentionally stack the odds against yourself?
And, honestly, it is great to change and morph with the person that you love by your side.
I think that's one of the biggest problems with marrying young, actually. You may change and morph into people who aren't right for each other. At all. At 17, you don't know, you just don't. And to be "stuck" with someone who is all wrong for you...especially when you keep meeting people in your changing and developing life that are far more right for the person you are becoming...is a miserable, painful place to be. And it's hell to be with someone who is realizing that you aren't right for them anymore, though you are married.
You don't know that the changes both of you will undergo through education, time, and life experience will bring you together or pull you apart. There is no rush. Wait and see which it turns out to be.
I say dont do it. Wait til about 25 or even 30. I was married at 26 and still wished i would of waited. I have been with my husband since i was 21 now 31 and i have changed a lot. We are separated at this moment and i feel some of it has to do with me changing over the years. There are other problems to go alone with that on both ends.
The brain isn't fully developed until early/mid 20s.
That alone says it all for me.
But family relationships shape the brain positively.
My boyfriend is recovering from a brain hemorrhage and was in a coma for a week, etc. I spend time with him each and every day. Nobody has told me this is a dumb way to start our engagement. Family relationships are very important for the brain and body to function as a spiritually holistic unit. Why throw the opportunity in the trash, so you can develop singularly without a close family relationship after you've reached the age of majority and sexual maturity? I dunno, that just doesn't make sense to me. You can have a close family relationship and work on your personal goals together, or you can say, hey, we're going to leave ourselves wide open and question our relationship and expose ourselves to all the problems of the single life, when what we really desire, and would benefit from spiritually, is right under our noses... This is just so confusing? When did we become a society that advocates a single life and to experience all sorts of problems when the natural thing to do is so easy and feels right to two people. Good grief. We've become way too logical and statistical, and we question love when it's right under our noses. Maybe these two young adults grew up in loving households and are ready to make one of their own, with their extended families participating. Just because we were messed up at 18 and would have botched a relationship and needed therapy, doesn't mean that's everyone's experience.
What? Biologically, the brain isn't developed enough to know fully what risks are being taken, etc.
That's why teens have that invincible mentality.
I didn't make that up. The brain just isn't fully developed until mid 20s. Just science. Which makes sense why car insurance is so expensive for men under 25. They take more risks.
But people will do what they do. They have to learn for themselves.
But family relationships shape the brain positively.
My boyfriend is recovering from a brain hemorrhage and was in a coma for a week, etc. I spend time with him each and every day. Nobody has told me this is a dumb way to start our engagement. Family relationships are very important for the brain and body to function as a spiritually holistic unit. Why throw the opportunity in the trash, so you can develop singularly without a close family relationship after you've reached the age of majority and sexual maturity? I dunno, that just doesn't make sense to me. You can have a close family relationship and work on your personal goals together, or you can say, hey, we're going to leave ourselves wide open and question our relationship and expose ourselves to all the problems of the single life, when what we really desire, and would benefit from spiritually, is right under our noses... This is just so confusing? When did we become a society that advocates a single life and to experience all sorts of problems when the natural thing to do is so easy and feels right to two people. Good grief. We've become way too logical and statistical, and we question love when it's right under our noses. Maybe these two young adults grew up in loving households and are ready to make one of their own, with their extended families participating. Just because we were messed up at 18 and would have botched a relationship and needed therapy, doesn't mean that's everyone's experience.
I read damn near all of the responses in this thread, and that is not what anyone said.
No one told them to question their relationship and go on about half of what your rant just entailed.
This just sounds like a bitter reaction to something else that is pouring into your response here.
They're still in highschool, juniors at that, I don't listen to the same music i LOVED in high school, or associate with any of the people, why on earth would anyone recommend tying yourself to someone legally and spiritually before you even know who yourself is? It's unfair to you, and unfair to your spouse when neither of you are even fully developed or fully aware of what type of commitment you're actually making.
Family relationships shape the brain, one way or the other depending. But these two aren't family, and they're still shaping, there's no need to start a family at an age where you still need yours. "love" or not.
Forget about what society and religion expects from you. There are many different societies and religions and they all have different expectations. Sometimes these expectations are not in your best interest. I'm a practical guy who doesn't like many of today's societal expectations in the US because I think they're based on some seriously antiquated ideals. So my advice below is not based on religous morality or societal norms.
You sound hardworking and kind and I believe these two characteristics are the core of what makes a good person. You're already taking college courses at age 17 which means you're also intellectually mature and goal oriented. You seem to have alot going for you. Unfortunately, this does not translate into emotional maturity. Emotional maturity comes from life experience and it cannot be gained in any other way. The old folks like me (47) know that you will change dramatically by the time your ~28. If you get married at 18 you're essentially hoping that the person you change into at ~28 will still want to be married to the person that your boyfriend changes into at ~28. It's definately a gamble and according to the national marriage stats it's a very poor gamble. I would suggest you wait until after college to make your decision. There really is no harm in that. If your boyfriend loves you that way you describe he will feel the same way in 5 years.
I am just curious as to what everyone's thoughts are on marriage when you are 18. I am currently 17 and my boyfriend is as well, we have been dating for about a year. He and I plan on getting engaged this december when he is 18 and I am about to turn 18. After that, we will both graduate the next summer then get married before going away to university together. I guess I would just like to know what everyones thoughts are on my situation, or on marriage at age 18 in general.
Im 47. Got married when I was 28. I thank my lucky stars that I waited as long as I did. I think I got a bit wiser by the tme we actually tied the knot. We were also more financially stable and very sure by that point.
My parents got married when they were 18 and 17, and stayed that way forever until he died.
Every situation is different - but the one thing that doesnt change is that young couples in love feel like they are different. It makes me smile to think back on myself at your age - it is a fantastic time.
My advice, since I just gave similar advice to my niece who is a similar age....
You want to be sure about what you are doing. Get engaged if you like, but settle in for a nice long 4-5-year engagement. I know... you are thinking 'yeah, right.. 5 years, this guy is crazy.'
no, im not. You will get similar advice elsewhere if you seek it out from people that you look up to. People that have been around, been married a long time... you know..... old people.
It is that hardest thing to follow advice like that. I know it. I've been in your shoes.
Think about. There is no need to rush. It is also fun to be engaged. Enjoy it. Believe me... a few years are going to go by in a blink... and maybe by that time you will have discovered more about the both of you as a couple.
If you are truly in love you will still be in love a few years from now.
When I look back at the person I was when I was 18 and at the person I am now I can see how much I have changed, my life goals have changed, the type of people I like being around has changed, my views on almost everything from religion from politics has changed.
Some couples who get married young are lucky and grow and mature in the same direction - not all couples are so lucky.
My advice is to slow down and just see when the relationship leads. Marriage is for a long time. Marriage at age 18 or 19, with a normal life span, you could be looking at 60 years or more of marriage. That is a long time, so again I say what is the rush???
When I think of my bf at 19 (whom I loved), and if I had married him omgosh....The last thing i heard about him (about 5 years ago) was that he was still in junior college (I graduated college in 98) and finally moved out from mom and dad's house....only because they bought him a condo.
But we were in love!! But damn....that shet would have been annoying and I know we'd have divorced.
72Likes
Re: Marriage at age 18? 
omgosh....The last thing i heard about him (about 5 years ago) was that he was still in junior college (I graduated college in 98) and finally moved out from mom and dad's house....only because they bought him a condo.
