General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Well, to begin, that_girl, Thank you very much for sharing that with me, I really appreciate it a lot. And I have to say, I am very happy for you and how your relationship turned out . Now, I realize that it would probably be ideal for me to wait until I finish college and start my career and become stable, but I'm not sure. Also, I suppose I should admit that I have yet to tell my parents. They talk about he and I getting married (they both absolutely love him, my mother said that she feels as if he is her own son), but they always add "when you're older" when talking about our marriage. Thsi kind of makes me worry because I am not sure I could let myself marry without my parents' approval. We have talked to his parents, though, and they said that it is our choice and they hope that things will work out for us. Also, I feel that I need to add that I have not felt any societal pressure or pressure from friends to be married, I just feel that I know that it is what I want and he wants it as well.
Also, to romantic_guy, why would it be necessary to get counseling? It seems like it would be a waste of money if we arent having problems..
To heartsbeating, I really thank you for sharing that, it has definitely given me some insight. Although you met at 18, how old were you when you married?
Counseling isn't only when you have problems. Counseling offers much more, some examples are learning how to deal with conflicts before they arise, gaining new prespectives, learning about yourself and your role in the relationship and much much more. I do not see counseling as a waste of money.
In fact, many religious leaders recommend it before they perform the marriage ceremony.
My situation = Im now 26 and I met my fiance when i was 18
My opinion:
If you are in love and are going to spend the rest of your lives together regardless . . . . . what's the rush?
I always thought that (me) considering marriage before my mid 20s would have been very immature because i realised that at such at young age i had no experience of life. How could i make the most important decision of my life (as i dont not believe in divorce) without any experience/information?
I dont see how (in this day and age) your relationship would be enhanced by having that ceremony/piece of paper?
Years ago people got married young because it was not socially acceptable to take your relationship to the next level without the ring. Today you can do what you like, so take advantage!
I dont see how (in this day and age) your relationship would be enhanced by having that ceremony/piece of paper?
Years ago people got married young because it was not socially acceptable to take your relationship to the next level without the ring. Today you can do what you like, so take advantage!
This is a very good point.
Monicagrace - is this urgent desire to get married right away about sex? You said that you and your bf have not been sexually active. Are you waiting until you get married to have sex, so that's why you want to get married as soon as possible?
Because you really have not given much or any information or explanation on why you are so eager to get married right away. And that is the first question your parents will ask and want to understand. If you cannot even articulate your reasons here, you aren't likely to be able to convince your parents that this is a good idea.
Monicagrace - is this urgent desire to get married right away about sex? You said that you and your bf have not been sexually active. Are you waiting until you get married to have sex, so that's why you want to get married as soon as possible?
No, I do not want to get married in order to have sex, that is not my reason at all. Why does anyone get married? Because they love someone else, to show their love for someone else, to get started being able to really do things together: living together, university, trips. To be there for their successes and to support them when they don't succeed. Generally to be there for them and to promise that you always will. Isnt that what marriage is about? Supporting each other?
Also, on the more practical side, my morals tell me that I cannot live with a man unless we are married, it wouldn't feel right.
It seems that a lot of people, when they get older, lose the spark and sometimes settle down because they feel they're old enough to. I want to settle down because I love the other person, not simply because I feel that it was appropriate. I will admit, it would be easier if I had met him at a stightly later age, but I didn't. I guess those are my reasons for wanting to be married.
Monicagrace, premarital counseling is a MUST no matter what the age. A good counselor can help identify issues and help you to resolve them before marriage. Also, the vast majority of couples have no idea what they are getting into. For instance, have you taken the Myers/Briggs personality test? Have your read "The Five Love languages?" Do you even know how your personalities and expectations differ? Then there are the learned patterns of behavior from your family. One good book I recommend is "The Couple Checkup". It helps identify the areas of compatibility and the areas the need growth in your relationship. If you think you will say "I do" and everything will just work itself out, you are indeed blinded by love.
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The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. 1 Corinthians 7:2 (The Message)
The only other thing that concerns me here is you have only been dating for a year. And while you may feel like you really know your man, a year out of many is so little a time. I am not belittling your relationship in any way, don't get me wrong. Some people just click.
I agree with premarital counselling too, it gives you better tools to work with when handling conflict and other issues. I unfortunately didn't go that route and regret it big time.
When you live with someone, things are not always as peachy as they were when living apart. Have you discussed things like housework distribution, cooking- all the other things that are expected between two people in a marriage? Despite how silly it sounds, the old joke about which position the toilet lid should be left in has the possibility to become a major bone of contention.
What about kids? Finances? Have the two of you discussed those things?
People change so much. The more realistically you go into a situation, the better prepared you are to handle things if they take a turn you don't like.
Otherwise... have you considered a long engagemet? My friends have been engaged for about 5 years and truly do love each other. Neither are in a rush to have that certificate until all the finances are sorted, until they have a house etc. Sure they have been pressured to 'seal the deal', but they are happy doing what they are doing and will marry when they are ready. They are happy knowing they have an announced commitment, even if it not ''official''.
What are your views on not living together before marriage? Is there a specific reason you don't like the idea? Is sex before marriage a problem for you also? I don't mean to pry, but if we better understand the situation, the more advice suited to your situation can be given.
And wow, my phone screwed me on this one, didn't realise there were so many pages in reply
Just saw the band thing. What happens if it isn't the reliable source of income as you perceived from his end? Have you thought about being the band widow who is at home alone while he is out on tour all the time if they strike it big? And throw kids into that equation it can become harder. Without a doubt, people can do it and be happy, but can YOU?
Also the issue between a lot of band couples is of groupies if they get big... is that something you can handle? Even if he is not the kind of person to do something like that and you believe it now, will you believe it in another 5 years? Not all rumours are true, and there are people who do stay true to their SO, but even in those situations, jealousy can work in funny ways. Are you a jealous person? Could you become a jealous person over this?
I don't want to sound like I'm dumping all over your dreams but 'know thyself' is so important... especially when you commit to someone else.
Edit to add: PS. I believe in marriage, I really do. No one ever really marries believing they will get divorced... sometimes it just happens. I just say all this to make you think if you hadn't already. There is no point in you possibly making another divorce stat if it's all stuff that you hadn't come to think of yet
Well, to begin, he and I have discussed things like finances and such. As of right now, we make about 2100 a month total. It isn't much, I realize this, but we've talked about it and it would be enough. The apartment that we looked at is 700 a month, I plan about 400 for food and things (I would rather overestimate than underestimate), THe college that we attend is within walking distance and all of our jobs are within 5 minutes from it. Therefore, gas would only be about 90 permonth for me and 150 for him, tops. That leaves us with about 760. The apartment only makes us pay the electricity bill which I could estimate to be about 100. With car insurance and any other bills that we have, 400 should be enough from the rates that we currently have. That leaves us with 260 for anything I may have missed.
As for household chores, we have discussed those as well and has decided who will do what. We both eventually want 4 children, but not until we are older and financially stable.
I'm not completely sure why I don't like the idea of living together before marriage, I just don't feel that it is right and I'm not comfortable with it. Also, no, I do not believe in pre-marital sex either. Again, I am not comfortable with it.
As for the one year thing, I suppose I am asking this a bit in advance, we will have been dating for a little over two years if we get married when we plan to. And yes, we are the age of juniors in high school, but as I mentioned earlier, we both attend the community college instead and the credits count towars high school and college. We also both work two jobs. I know people always talk about the "real world" after high school, but I feel that he and I are not really high schoolers.
As for the band thing, that is probably my biggest concern with the whole thing, honestly. we have talked about it and I would not be willing to give up my dream of marine biology to travel with his band if they become that well-known and he respects that. As for groupies, I am not a jealous persona and I never have been. I also know that he wouldn't cheat or anything, we both have nearly the same morals and values.
I apologize for the length of this post, I am just trying to address everyones responses.
I was married a few weeks after my 19th birthday.. I think a lot differently now, then I did at 19. I am 33 now. My husband is 10 years older then me.
There is nothing wrong with waiting to get married.. I was never really on my own, I never lived alone. I never had my "own" place.. I never got to experience the world. I never got to know myself alone!
I can't say getting married at 19 was one of the biggest mistakes i have ever made, but it is right up there. Married almost 15 years and I left him almost 2 weeks ago.
Nothing came of it for anyone. They had fun though.
Pipe dreams...
Yes, this is what I sorta getting at with the whole unreliable source of income thing... pipe dreams being a much better turn of phrase, thanks
Quote:
Originally Posted by monicagrace27
As for the band thing, that is probably my biggest concern with the whole thing, honestly. we have talked about it and I would not be willing to give up my dream of marine biology to travel with his band if they become that well-known and he respects that.
Are you meaning you are concerned about being home while he travels? Or do you mean what happens if they actually make it after you are married and have your dream job? Will you quit to follow the band? Will he have to give it up? Will either of you have to walk away from the relationship cuz you both want your dreams so bad?
What I mean is, if you both had your dreams, how would you make it work in reality? How would the two of you make it work?
Apart from the number of kidlets, have you talked about who stays home with them, etc?
There always has to be compromise in a relationship, and if one person gives up their dream, it can breed resentment. Better to know the answers to this before getting hitched
By the way, it is wonderful you have done some practical talking with him re your future together.
And don't worry about post length... have you seen mine?? Lol, I'm sure I'm out to clock up novellas!
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Re: Marriage at age 18? 
. Now, I realize that it would probably be ideal for me to wait until I finish college and start my career and become stable, but I'm not sure. Also, I suppose I should admit that I have yet to tell my parents. They talk about he and I getting married (they both absolutely love him, my mother said that she feels as if he is her own son), but they always add "when you're older" when talking about our marriage. Thsi kind of makes me worry because I am not sure I could let myself marry without my parents' approval. We have talked to his parents, though, and they said that it is our choice and they hope that things will work out for us. Also, I feel that I need to add that I have not felt any societal pressure or pressure from friends to be married, I just feel that I know that it is what I want and he wants it as well. 
