General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I was engaged to a woman when I was 18. We were hopelessly in love. She left me when we were midway through college.
Now as to your situation. You can still be in love, still be friends, still support each other through college, and then get married. Your love will only grow and you'll be able to afford a nicer wedding and honeymoon. :-)
Monica, not trying to sound condescending but you're still a kid. Marriage comes with a lot of responsibility and constant work to keep it going, people mature into marriage.
I think the both of you should experience life first and then really "settle down". University can be a life changing experience and you might encounter alot things that will make you question your relationship. I just fear that you might look back and ponder all the things you missed out on because you married so young. If you can make it through University together still committed then definitely get married.
Honestly, I'm so thankful we met young and have all those times together. That we know each others story, that we've seen it all together. I love that.
Everyone is different, follow your own path.
Yep. This is one of the most amazing things about meeting young. It makes you feel kinda lucky to have found that right person to share most of your entire life with. All the youth, and all that comes after. Love it!
To heartsbeating, I really thank you for sharing that, it has definitely given me some insight. Although you met at 18, how old were you when you married?
We married MUCH later ....but we were living together, bought a house, all of that. As I said, marriage wasn't essential to me. Being with him was.
I think if you have found someone special then I am of the opinion, you will be with them. If waiting 5 years being engaged is a big deal, I personally question why. If you're with him, you're with him. However I do recognize I'm often the minority with the way I view marriage and I don't know if there's a religious reasoning as to you wanting to marry. We were living together for years. By living together, some view it as being an 'easy way out' if things don't work. I viewed it the other way, that we were both there because we really wanted to be.
Are you meaning you are concerned about being home while he travels? Or do you mean what happens if they actually make it after you are married and have your dream job? Will you quit to follow the band? Will he have to give it up? Will either of you have to walk away from the relationship cuz you both want your dreams so bad?
What I mean is, if you both had your dreams, how would you make it work in reality? How would the two of you make it work?
Apart from the number of kidlets, have you talked about who stays home with them, etc?
Well, one concern is that IF his band becomes more popular, that he will want me to come with and I'm not willing to completely give up my dreams. I would be willing to go with sometimes, but other times I wouldn't be able to. And if he were to become famous after we are married, I guess that I wouldn't know what to do. Although, chances are slim of them becoming famous (not because they arent good, but because its just hard to become famous), so it isn't like we would have to base our decisions of whether to marry or not completely on this. Also, he told me that his band will more than likely be just a side thing because he is going to college to be an astrophysicist.
One thing that I don't understand is that many of you have said to experience life first before marrying... but I'm cruious why its so bad to want to experience life with your husband?
Ladybird, do you think that being married so young affected your relationship with him?
Well, to begin, he and I have discussed things like finances and such. As of right now, we make about 2100 a month total. It isn't much, I realize this, but we've talked about it and it would be enough. The apartment that we looked at is 700 a month, I plan about 400 for food and things (I would rather overestimate than underestimate), THe college that we attend is within walking distance and all of our jobs are within 5 minutes from it. Therefore, gas would only be about 90 permonth for me and 150 for him, tops. That leaves us with about 760. The apartment only makes us pay the electricity bill which I could estimate to be about 100. With car insurance and any other bills that we have, 400 should be enough from the rates that we currently have. That leaves us with 260 for anything I may have missed.
This was my post from earlier, I explained the finances. Also, I have 4800 in my bank right now and for college, the community college that I am attending now costs around 2000 (without financial aid) per semester, books and classes included. It has the lowest tuition in my state
I don't believe I've missed anything, correct me if I have.
Edit* Also, we have both bought our own cars already, so no need to save up for that.
That is a good start. A person can live cheap in college if their focus is 100 percent on school.
I would buy health insurance thru the college. Normally it's cheaper unless your job covers it. Say $100 each per 6 months.
For clothes, how often ( maybe 2 times a year ). Then how much each time, then determine monthly amount to save or set aside each month. Then entertainment, how much per month, food per month. Your husband may thing things for the band ( one time expense per yr) Posted via Mobile Device
Alright, so then thats about another 20 each per month, which leaves us with about 220. for clothes, I know that I shop for clothes once a year and spend about 120. He probably does the same, he has not had many new clothes since he and I met, I know that. Neither of us watch tv, so no need to worry about that. I've already accounted for 400 per month for food in my earlier post. As for internet, about 20$ per month through qwest, which is my current provider. That then leaves us with 200 to deposit. Not much, I know, but hopefully enough. I am willing to get another job if I need to.
No, we would have to use the money that we have saved. 2000 per year would be the total cost each, which, with scholarships and financial aid, would be very do-able.
Well, one concern is that IF his band becomes more popular, that he will want me to come with and I'm not willing to completely give up my dreams. I would be willing to go with sometimes, but other times I wouldn't be able to. And if he were to become famous after we are married, I guess that I wouldn't know what to do. Although, chances are slim of them becoming famous (not because they arent good, but because its just hard to become famous), so it isn't like we would have to base our decisions of whether to marry or not completely on this.
One thing that I don't understand is that many of you have said to experience life first before marrying... but I'm cruious why its so bad to want to experience life with your husband?
Ok, have you discussed that scenario with him? That could be a big make or break, and while you don't base the decision to get married solely off the band of course, you just have to know what is expected of each other if (and it's a big if) that scenario arises. Of course there are going to be unforeseen things come up, but working with the issues that you know are there and working all the hypotheticals will give you a better idea and confidence about your decisions.
As for the last paragraph I quoted, it's that whole know thyself deal again. When you are in a relationship, it is all too easy to be too focussed on how the other person feels about you, not on what you want or need for yourself. While it is great to experience life with a partner, both you and your partner need a solid idea of who you both are to get the best out of a marriage- which comes in the form of life experience and knowing what you both want to achieve in life and how to develop that as an individual.
Ok sounds good on finance side.
If you both work full time in summer then you can build up savings and have a small emergency fund during rest of year.
Let's talk about your high level goals in marriage.
Are you going on birth control?
When would you want to start a family (1st kid)?
just a recommendation, you said that he would be Astrophysics major. Having a hard science degree is good. Pay is better and it's easier to find a job. Regarding his degree, I believe for that field he will need additional education for that field. Like PHD. More college etc. Every college has a career center. Have him find out how many grads per yr (it will be small) and how many get jobs with BS degree and starting salary. I expect the number getting a job would be small with just a BS. What would your major be? Posted via Mobile Device
Thank you, Dean, I really appreciate this.
Well, once we are married, yes, I would go on birth control. We have both decided that we would want our first child when I am about 25.
As for the job, he plans on getting his doctoral degree in astrophysics, and I hope to get a phD in marine biology. With the college that we are getting now, we will both be ablke to haveour two year degree when we graduate and, if I take only the courses thatI need, I could finish with my phD when I am about 23-24. His, I am not positive on about how long it would take.
To alone_not_lonely, yes, he and I have talked about that scenario and he told me that he would not be able to leave me behind and I know that he does put me before his band, always.
I suppose I get what you are saying about knowing yourself, but personally, I think that it is possible to grow and learn aboujt yourself, even if in a relationship with someone else. I feel that they can help you to learn about yourself.
So you both plan on getting PHD's......good for you!
Let me ask you a question that is related to the finance side.
If you don't get married right away, will both your parents continue to help you go to college?
Support you with money where you wouldn't have to work as many hours.
Thank you.
Well, any money that was for us to go to college, they put into our bank accounts when we were little. For me, at least. Money is a bit tighter at his house and his family did not plan on helping him. Also, I have an aunt who has always planned to help us through school and has 5000 set aside for each niece and nephew.
One thing that I don't understand is that many of you have said to experience life first before marrying... but I'm cruious why its so bad to want to experience life with your husband?
It's not at all bad to want to experience life with your husband.
What can be bad is if you marry young before you have experienced life as an adult, and then experience life, learn and grow and develop into your adult self, and realize that you made a huge mistake marrying a man you are no longer interested in or feel happy to be with.
It happens all the time - people rarely marry their first love, because that person that was right for them as teenagers is totally wrong for them later.
Just like you are no longer interested in the things you loved when you were 10, you may very well not be interested in your bf at 25 or 30 as you are now at 17. So marrying at 17 ties you to somebody that you are not likely to want in your life when you've had a chance to experience YOURSELF as you develop into the person you will become.
What it comes down to, is you and your bf are likely to fall out of love because you are likely to change as people as you experience more of life and learn more about who you are and what you want in life. It would be a terrible thing to be married when that happens.
It's also possible you will limit yourself in order to conform to your husband's life (and he limit himself for you), and neither of you will end up being the person that you really want to be or would have been had you given yourself a chance to develop and grow on your own. YOu can end up holding each other back or resenting each other.
I think its unwise for most people few are truly truly in love sooner or later the guy or the girl starts to imagine what life might be like with other people. They start wishing or wanting to date other people and have other experiences if there are children early than it is a burden typically in addition they tend to rarely be financially secure. Often it seems when they do decide to break it off or want to see other people the wife will feel like that after kids and wish for a different life and the husband will cheat but not divorce and continue on with it.
I have only seen 2 people who married that young who are still together and they are in there late 40's i suppose they got lucky in finding each other and being truly in love all these years.
How about an update. Did you read the last few posts?
Has anything changed with your thinking, plans, etc ?
Yes, dean, I have read the past couple of posts. I apologize for my absense, I have been busy with college recently.
As for the money thing, nothing would change for either of us financially if we were not married. My aunt would still help, even if I married and none of his relatives have money aside for him or anything.
And I realize that owrking during college will not be easy, but both of us are willing to do it. Now, I have a sister who is in college, age 18, and she lives on her own, goes to college ful time (15 credits), and works four jobs. Also, she keeps her gpa at about 3.3 which is not terrible. Currently, I work 2 jobs and have school full time and have a gpa of 3.8. My boyfriend has one job and full time college with a 4.0 gpa. I'm not sure that matters, but as you said, many places will not hire unless the gpa is 3.5ish or higher.
I realize that people may become curious about other people during a marriage, but that can happen no matter what age you marry, right?
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