General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi. I'm new here, but this has been an ongoing issue in my life for all of my adult life. I believe that I am emotionally unavailable. This unavailability is definitely taking a toll on my my marriage, and I'm afraid that it will eventually affect my son who is very young right now.
I desperately want to feel something with my husband...specifically love and intimacy. I don't know where to start, and we don't have the money to seek counseling (which is something I have wanted to do for years). I want to be able to actually be sexually intimate instead of just going through the motions. I want to feel empathy whe he is feeling upset about work or other issues instead of feeling nothing. My husband is a good man who has been extremely patient with me. I know he loves me, and I just want to love him back. Any advice on how to get over this emotional unavailability? Btw, this isn't just a problem I have with my husband. I am pretty much emotionally unavailable to everyone except my son. He's the only person I feel actual feelings of love, care, admiration, and respect.
I am pretty much emotionally unavailable to everyone except my son. He's the only person I feel actual feelings of love, care, admiration, and respect.
Why do you choose to give to him but no one else?
And it does look like you're choosing this rather than it choosing you. If you can give to one, you can give to many.
I know that I'm choosing. I guess it's just so habitual at this point that I don't know how to reverse it. My best guess at why I give love to my son is that I'm not afraid that he'll hurt me at this point. Also, I keep reminding myself that I don't want to be like my mother which is what motivates me to remain open with him. I grew up in a pretty disfunctional family, and I'm always afraid that people I love will hurt me or leave me. My mother was extremely emotionally abusive and, to this day, believes that she is entitled to call me names and criticize everything I do.
As for my the relationship with my husband, I felt true passionate love for my husband when we first met, but slowly over time it dissipated. I feel the huge walls that I've created around me. My defense mechanisms are extremely strong. Even when tramatic stuff happens (ex: death in the family), I feel very little. I feel almost disconnected from things.....like I'm looking at it from outside my body....like I'm watching a movie. It scares me to think that I've created this monster in me....and I don't know how to tear down my walls and open up my emotions again.
I hate to break it to you, but as a mother of 2 grown children, you'll come to find out they can hurt you worse than anyone EVER could.
You have to choose to love. That's just it. Every day, choose to get closer to your husband in some way. It can be something phyisical like a hug or a kiss, or something material like making his favorite meal or buying him a gift. If you want to be reached, you have to be willing to reach out first.
If you don't stop this you'll become one of those old lady's who lives with 100 cats that nobody visits. You don't want that do you?
Some counseling could help you too. Even a pet. I know for a fact that having a puppy really can get to you. I love my schoodle!!
I really do want counseling. Actually, I studied Psychology, got my B.A. in it, and coached life and mental health courses at a day treatment center. When I'm helping others, I actually do pretty well. With myself, my thoughts and feelings are so muddled that I don't know what I'm doing. I've looked for resources for discounted counseling, but we live on a very tight budget. I've mentioned it to my husband before, but he thinks I can get over my issues without counseling. I already have a dog, and I do try very hard to do physical things and nice things for him. I do them often....like several times a week....I just don't feel anything when I'm doing them. My husband will tell you that I show him love just not intimacy during sex. He just doesn't know that I feel lack of emotion pretty much all of the time. I'm afraid to tell him with the fear that I'll hurt him.
Hi, Pel29. I'm really sorry you're having trouble opening up to your husband emotionally, and that you're feeling disconnected in your marriage and other areas of your life. My heart went out to you as you described your difficult childhood. I'm praying for you!
You mentioned that you would like to receive counseling, but have been unable to afford it. I work at Focus on the Family, a nonprofit organization, and they offer free counseling over the phone. You might also find it helpful to visit the marriage area of their website.
It sounds like your husband is a very patient and caring man - that's so wonderful to hear. I really hope things improve for you soon. God bless you!
MiriRose....thank you for the resource. I actually cried when I read your post....guess b/c I'm feeling a little bit of hope. I didn't realize that there was counseling over the phone. I really do want to change. I want to feel again. I don't want to be this sort of example to my child. Most of all, I want my husband to have the sort of wife he deserves.
I think it's mostly about money. If we tried hard enough, we could move our budget around and maybe (operative word here) swing it...but we'd literally have no money for anything else. I know that my husband is also dealing with his own issues right now (work-related stress), so I can't ask him to give up everything for me to get counseling. I'm a stay at home mom by the way....so we live on 1 income.
I think it's mostly about money. If we tried hard enough, we could move our budget around and maybe (operative word here) swing it...but we'd literally have no money for anything else. I know that my husband is also dealing with his own issues right now (work-related stress), so I can't ask him to give up everything for me to get counseling. I'm a stay at home mom by the way....so we live on 1 income.
I'm in counseling now myself and living on one income. My insurance covers most of it. Do you have that option? Some therapists also do sliding scale if your income is low enough.
I'm not sure if our insurance covers counseling, but I'm definitely going to take a look. If they could cover some of it, there may be a good chance that we could afford it. Thank you.
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I think I'm emotionally unavailable 
I love my schoodle!!
