Confused in my marriage

cookw06 · 04-03-2012, 10:26 PM

I need some responses because I am confused and unsure what I should do. It is probably nothing but that is what is causing my confusion. My wife is an elementary school teacher and her spring break is next week. She is planning on going on a camping trip with some friends of hers and their kids. She will be leaving Monday and coming back Friday. I am upset that she is going on this trip. We havent gone on too many trips ourselves the last few years but she is going to be in Florida with friends. She doesnt understand why I am upset. I know that if the roles were reversed I wouldnt be gone on a vacation without my wife and just friends. Maybe that is just me. Can somebody help me? Am I wrong for thinking that way? Should I just let her go and it is not a big deal? I dont make a big deal when she goes home to NY to visit family but with friends for a week doesnt seem right. I dont know what to do. She did say if I dont want her to go than she wont and I just told her in an upset tone that she should do whatever she wants. But than I know if she stayed home I would feel guilty. I normally dont pay much attention when friends or family say stuff but my friends and family are thinking the same way I am. Please help. I know some of you folks dont respond you just read and move on. It is greatly appreciated.
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381917 · 04-03-2012, 10:56 PM

Do you have a bad feeling about a friend who will be on the trip? She is taking your kids, so it doesn't really sound like she's planning a wild trip or anything. No chance you can get off work to go with? Or are you not invited? If you told her that you might be able to come with her, would she be pleased? It really doesn't sound like she has anything bad planned.

Entropy3000 · 04-03-2012, 11:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cookw06

I need some responses because I am confused and unsure what I should do. It is probably nothing but that is what is causing my confusion. My wife is an elementary school teacher and her spring break is next week. She is planning on going on a camping trip with some friends of hers and their kids. She will be leaving Monday and coming back Friday. I am upset that she is going on this trip. We havent gone on too many trips ourselves the last few years but she is going to be in Florida with friends. She doesnt understand why I am upset. I know that if the roles were reversed I wouldnt be gone on a vacation without my wife and just friends. Maybe that is just me. Can somebody help me? Am I wrong for thinking that way? Should I just let her go and it is not a big deal? I dont make a big deal when she goes home to NY to visit family but with friends for a week doesnt seem right. I dont know what to do. She did say if I dont want her to go than she wont and I just told her in an upset tone that she should do whatever she wants. But than I know if she stayed home I would feel guilty. I normally dont pay much attention when friends or family say stuff but my friends and family are thinking the same way I am. Please help. I know some of you folks dont respond you just read and move on. It is greatly appreciated.
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You should have told your wife how you felt to begin with. You lost your cool. So you messed up.

That said, you can still approach her about it. You can say you gave it some thought. Be prepared however for the fact that she told them she was going and probably made plans around it.

You really should have had serious adult heart to heart talk with your wife about this.

So you can take vacation and go with her.

Is there something else we should know about why you do not want her to go? If she just sprung this on you that is a bit unfair but you had a chance to intervene.

kittykat09 · 04-03-2012, 11:09 PM

I don't know if it would be right or not, but I would feel frustrated too if my fiance vacationed with friends over me. Vacations are expensive, and if that kind of money was going to be spent I would want to be participating and sharing the experiences/memories.

Kurosity · 04-03-2012, 11:19 PM

I would explain to her how it makes you feel and even that it was in poor taste for you to tell her to do whatever she wanted out of hurt and anger and you are sorry for saying it to her like that.
Talk about it but before you do, YOU should really nail down what it is that has you so bothered by this trip so that you can be as honest as possible with her.

and one more suggestion start planning trips together if you can make the time to go with friends then you can make the time to go together.

cookw06 · 04-04-2012, 09:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cookw06

I need some responses because I am confused and unsure what I should do. It is probably nothing but that is what is causing my confusion. My wife is an elementary school teacher and her spring break is next week. She is planning on going on a camping trip with some friends of hers and their kids. She will be leaving Monday and coming back Friday. I am upset that she is going on this trip. We havent gone on too many trips ourselves the last few years but she is going to be in Florida with friends. She doesnt understand why I am upset. I know that if the roles were reversed I wouldnt be gone on a vacation without my wife and just friends. Maybe that is just me. Can somebody help me? Am I wrong for thinking that way? Should I just let her go and it is not a big deal? I dont make a big deal when she goes home to NY to visit family but with friends for a week doesnt seem right. I dont know what to do. She did say if I dont want her to go than she wont and I just told her in an upset tone that she should do whatever she wants. But than I know if she stayed home I would feel guilty. I normally dont pay much attention when friends or family say stuff but my friends and family are thinking the same way I am. Please help. I know some of you folks dont respond you just read and move on. It is greatly appreciated.

Thanks everyone for the help. Let me clarify a few things. Poor wording on my part. My is going away with her friend, her husband and their kids. She didnt ask me if I want to go because I have to work. I just started a new job and I do not have time yet. The friends she is going with I have never really been a fan of. She is ok I guess. This friend is pretty much the only friend she has. There isnt a clear reason why I dont like this friend. There is just something about her. I cannot pinpoint it.

My wife has a different schedule. As a school teacher she gets time of during the school year and summers of. I am a little bit jealous of this. Because she has this time she has gone away and done things without me. I think a lot f what bothers me with this isn't really the jealousy, but the fact that she didnt ask me if I could go and when it comes to us doing anything together I am the one that has to initiate it. I cannot remember the last she said she wanted to do something with me. Plus the last two weekends she was out of town and now she is leaving again for a week. The last two weekends were not for leisure. First weekend she was in DC for her annual fifth grade field trip. Last weekend she was in California for a meeting for our volunteer organization that we are a part of.

Some people say it is ok if she goes away that long with friends and others say its weird. I guess it should be ok. Some guys go away on golfing or hunting trips with guy friends. But I just dont know. We have been together 12 years, married for the last 5. Our relationship is in a different stage than it was 5 years ago so maybe this is fine and maybe I am reading too much into it. We dont have our kids yet so I am sure she is just looking to enjoy the time before kids come into the picture. Thanks again everyone.
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Entropy3000 · 04-04-2012, 10:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cookw06

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I get how you feel. My wife and I went through a phase like this. It caused us to disconnect. I think at the least it makes the marriage vulnerable. It took some real effort to pull it back in.

You should do His Needs Her Needs with her to discuss both of your emotional needs. Boundary setting is worth the effort to head off things that can occur.

Essentially you guys are not as connected. Optimally you would be going on the trip with them.

If needs are not being met in a marriage this time apart can be especially unsettling. We know inside that our partner is juts a little more vulnerable. But we really just want to share that experience with them. Your gut is telling you something. Maybe it is just the unknown.

FWIW being in anew job will often put people in this situation. You have to be extra focused and you usually are not in position to take time off.

You really need to have a heart to heart talke with her. The HNHN will do this in a constructive way.

Ten_year_hubby · 04-04-2012, 10:51 AM

Maybe I missed this but why don't you go with her?

cookw06 · 04-04-2012, 11:31 AM

Ten_year_hubby-- i cannot go with her. I started a new job and I do not have the time built up. Plus, when i do have time I would like to use it in the summertime when she is off for summer break from being a teacher.

Entropy3000-- thank you for the input. I will certainly use that. I guess the time apart affects me more because of my job. I am in a job that requires me to work from home an travel occasionally. Most of my time travel is just around the state of NC where I live but occasionally i have to travel other places like Dallas, Chicago, etc. When my wife is gone I miss her dearly. I assume she does with me also. This past weekend while she was in California for that conference, she called me everyday telling me she loves me and misses me. That is why with this upcoming trip I feel like I am reading too much into it.
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Entropy3000 · 04-04-2012, 11:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cookw06

Ten_year_hubby-- i cannot go with her. I started a new job and I do not have the time built up. Plus, when i do have time I would like to use it in the summertime when she is off for summer break from being a teacher.

Entropy3000-- thank you for the input. I will certainly use that. I guess the time apart affects me more because of my job. I am in a job that requires me to work from home an travel occasionally. Most of my time travel is just around the state of NC where I live but occasionally i have to travel other places like Dallas, Chicago, etc. When my wife is gone I miss her dearly. I assume she does with me also. This past weekend while she was in California for that conference, she called me everyday telling me she loves me and misses me. That is why with this upcoming trip I feel like I am reading too much into it.
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Make the homecoming special.

When I travel I like my wife to pick me up afterwards. She dresses in a way she knows pleases me. Years ago she picked me up wearing nothing but one of my dress shirts. Ummm, she stayed in the vehicle. She has not been quite that bold in recent times but close enough. We did not go out to dinner that night but we usually do on the way home and make a date out of it.

It is good she is calling you. Make the most of that. Don't be too needy but do not shorten the conversation. Be excited with her. Let her tell you what she is doing. Maybe talk about how great it will be when she get's back. Make plans and so on. Take advantage of her being offline from work. She should be less stressed and more open. Stay plugged in to her.

So make some kind of plans for her homecoming.

Also make sure you guys "bond" before she goes. Make her parting memories about you passionate and loving. Which reminds me of a song lyric "Love me two times, once for tomorrow and once just for today. Love me two times, I'm goin away."

Ten_year_hubby · 04-04-2012, 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cookw06

Ten_year_hubby-- i cannot go with her. I started a new job and I do not have the time built up. Plus, when i do have time I would like to use it in the summertime when she is off for summer break from being a teacher.
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Unfortunately, the time to act is now.