General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
So I'm in a very awkward situtation with my girlfriend. We have been going out for 2 years now, and its only been in the last year that I have been having these feelings. We love eachother dearly, but I just cant get over her past.
Firstly, she is a single mother, a boy of 16, and she has told me that she has had 4 abortions, with 2 different partners. She also had a one nightstand with my brother before we got together (2 years before). I've not wanted to dig deep into her part = i understand that a past makes you who you are, and that people will always have a past - i mean i was no saint. But hers I just cant seem to come to terms with. She is trustworthy, loving, caring, and tells me im the one and wants to plan children together, but this past of hers is killing me. Please please help me?Is it me and some sort of insecurity??? Please advise me!!
You are not entirely clear which part you have the most issues with though I think perhaps its the children/abortion part.
As a single mother, I can imagine that she has a huge understanding of what it takes to raise a child. They require emotion as well as financial support. She may have made her decision based upon her own experience with her child and whether or not she could provide for additional children.
As well, she may have made her decisions for any number of other reasons. There isn't enough information in your post to say she doesn't want to have more child only her past she didn't feel that she could support another child.
You also don't state your ages, when she had her abortions, how far apart they were, are any with the father of her kid, what kind of birth control was she using, what are you currently using. Did she have a tough delivery with her child?
Another thought goes the way of ....
Why did she choose to have her son? Does she receive child support for her 16 year old, how hard did she have to fight for it, Does the father see his kid?
Making that kind of decision isn't usually made lightly. Have you spoke to her about why she made those decisions at the time.
How you talk to her about the responsibilities you will take on both financially and emotionally if you decide to have kids and the relationship doesn't work out? This are things she is also thinking about when you talk about having kids together.
Maybe I wasn't completely clear. Not so much the abortions have effected me (maybe slightly, as for any man to hear that their partner had any sexual past is difficult at times - men like to think their partners were virgins before them lol), and nor her child. He really is a wonderful lad, and the father has never played a major role, actually not any role in fact.
I think it all started when she told me of these abortions, the first two when she was in her early 20s, partner was someone she was seeing not seriously at the time. Her other 2 with a serious partner who she was unhappy with at the time. She is 32, I'm 27.
I think when we spoke about these (I have to admit she was unwilling to do so as she didn't want to be judged) it started off a snowball effect. I started to realise she had a sexual past, and as you can appreciate, the thoughts are now getting out of control. She had a one night stand with my brother, and she is now with me, I think that drives me crazy, especially at family events. My brother is happy in a relationship now, but it drives me nuts to know they had been with each other. This is probably drives me insane the most, and not so much the abortions or the kid. So any advice would be greatly appreciated. If I keep thinking about it, should I end it?? Should I just get over it and move on??I love my girlfriend but I dont want to feel this way.
If you aren't happy with her and are unwilling to accept her past as it is, then move on. She has been honest with you so now it's up to you to decide whether to stay or go (well she can decide that, too).
Quote:
Originally Posted by johnbriansmith
She had a one night stand with my brother, and she is now with me, I think that drives me crazy, especially at family events.
And you knew this before you started dating her so it's not like you just found out.
I understand that a woman's sexual past can be a bit distressing to some men....(maybe all I don't know)....but I will never understand why intelligent men give in to it.
Having said that, I can understand your being uncomfortable with the shared sexual history that your girl & brother share - it's closer to home so of course it's going to be a constant reminder.
It's your choice how you handle this - you can choose to move past it or you can choose to allow it to continue to eat you up.
What is it about your girlfriend having had sex with your brother that really bothers you? Is it that he got in first (she's not your trophy?)....or are you concerned the sexual spark may reignite for them.
PS...she was absolutely right in being concerned in sharing her past sexual history in fear of being judged - that's exactly what you are doing.
You know it's not as much judging her on the past, it is very much asking yourself do her decisions and choices reflect those of someone you agree with and trust.
Someday if your together with a person when you ate old, they will be the one empowered to make real lif/deth choices for you wen you are in the hospital. Do you think her decision making blunders in the past reflect tat she may make really bad choices in the future? Posted via Mobile Device
Doesn't sound to me like she has made good choices in her past. Why would you consider making someone like this your wife? Marriage is serious business and cannot survive if there is only one responsible partner.
I understand that a woman's sexual past can be a bit distressing to some men....(maybe all I don't know)....but I will never understand why intelligent men give in to it.
I can get past almost anything except if she slept with a friend or family member. Not gonna happen knowing that I'll see the friend and family member and they'll look at the wife and have that
Oh yeah, I bagged her also look in their eyes.
Strangers that I'll never see or know, don't care.
She had a one night stand with my brother, and she is now with me, I think that drives me crazy, especially at family events. My brother is happy in a relationship now, but it drives me nuts to know they had been with each other. This is probably drives me insane the most, and not so much the abortions or the kid. So any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Ahhhh yes... hard to not imagine your brother on top of her eh? You probably don't want to imagine her under all the other guys either.
Perhaps a change in perspective will help here. Let's talk about me, not you... me and my wife Carol. I'd like to ask your advice about something if I may. But first, the background.
Carol is a good, good woman. She is loyal, obedient, loving, intelligent, kind, sexually adventurous, she looks great in a little black dress, and she owns a 220 volt band saw. Seriously, she's a really, really good wife. The word "no" is not in her vocabulary with me. Go ahead. Let your imagination run wild. Yeah... that. And aside from that, you should see the look of love in her eyes when she looks at me. It's actually a bit astonishing... and humbling. Really, I could go on and on like that for paragraphs -- pages -- a long time. How about we just agree that I did to save everyone's eyes?
But there's this problem. It's recently come to my attention that she was not a virgin when we met. In fact, there's been a few guys on top of her over the years... and a few women too. Suddenly, the woman I just described above is looking... well... used. Suddenly, she's not looking so attractive. I mean sure. She still wakes me up with sex every morning. And yes, she brings coffee if she's up first. And sure she still cooks and cleans for me. Oh yes... I hadn't mentioned before... she's the only one working so she's also bringing home the bacon before she fries it up in the pan. Oh, and she still loves me like nobody has ever loved me before. All that's still true. But man.... at some foggy point in the past she apparently had sex with someone else.
So what's your advice? Should I drop her and move on?
Oh, and one more question. After I move on, where would you suggest I find another woman like her?
Thanks for your help
~Jeff
ps: Carol didn't like this answer so I'm downgrading her from super-spectacularly-awesomely-wonderful down to merely incredibly-spectacularly-awesomely-wonderful if that changes your thoughts any.
I wouldn't be able to handle being with someone a relative had relations with, especially a sibling. That's just wrong. -_- If you get married, your brother will watch her go down the aisle in her dress and know what she looks and feels like underneath it. Ick.
It seems to me that you've identified where the hairball is - you know the parts that drive you nuts. I think you'll have to tease that hairball apart a bit more so you know exactly the parts that feel the worse, then you'll have to do something with it.
A few years ago, Jeff and I went through a rough patch - he was spending a lot of time online, chatting with people and making real connections with both men and women. I struggled with my feelings - they were confusing and contradictory. I googled "jealousy" and I learned some things. The Buddhists said some things about jealousy that helped me. Here's a part of it: "...it means that we are focused on some area of life in which others have accomplished more than we have, and we exaggerate its positive aspects. In our minds, we make this area one of the most important aspects of life and base our sense of self-worth on it. Implicit is an inordinate preoccupation with and attachment to "me."
Perhaps a way out of this mind-trap you're in is to take stock of your thoughts and figure out if they're helping you or hurting you. You really can change them: ask any Navy SEAL. The hardest thing to do is control our minds from messing with us. If you love your gf, you may need to really dig deep and figure out why this is bugging you, then make the determination to either change your opinion or change your girlfriend. They say relationships are hard, and this is the exact reason why. It's also why relationships make you grow. This is a really good challenge for you because it's eating at you, so it'll be clear when you're close to a nerve. It won't be the last time you'll have to really challenge your opinions. Good luck!
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Unhappy about Girlfriends past-Help me!! 
