MotoD

Background: I was married at 19 and a dad at 20. After several years of marriage realized she was mentally unstable....got help and she was taking medication...then refused to take it which landed me in divorce. Which was the best decision I have ever made. However, I was a single dad with a 10 year old girl and mommy moved overseas.

I started dating an old girlfriend from high school and we hit it off, like we picked up right where we left off 14 years ago. Everything was fantastic. We seemed to be so in love and then we were engaged......and began to start trying to have a child. During ALL of this....I'm guessing we had sex 3-4 times a week...and that included the side dishes that go with the main meal.

Then she was pregnant....and it was like a switch had just been turned off....I assumed it was hormones and the pregnancy so I stood by her and pretended I was fine and no big deal about the lack of sex and intimacy in the relationship. Then came Birth.....again I understood that, that whole region had been through alot and it would take months to recover. So I stood by and was patient.....Then our son turned 6 months....and I was fed up. I couldn't believe I still wasn't have sex with my wife. I could count on one hand how many times we had had any kind of sexual contact in the last 18 months.....

I brought this to her attention, and she said that she just didn't have the desire or drive and would be just fine not having it at all. To which I said....well that creates a problem for me because "regurgitated the 2 years prior" and I was losing patience with it. I even stated that if she "loved" me she would want to please me...even if it wasn't something SHE wanted to do. Which of course started World War III. So I think we fought for a week meaning we didn't speak to one another. And I finally said I'm signing us up for counseling.

We went to a therapist and agreed to attack this problem as a couple rather than me vs her. Which was great...it was exactly the problem. It was never her vs me, it was us vs it.....or so I thought.....

We agreed to pencil in friday nights as sex night meaning no matter what, it is set in stone...every friday night. And anything that happens in between is just like a bonus. I told her I would be fine with 1 time a week and spontaneous things in between.

It has now been a month since we saw the therapist....we have had sex 1 time....and I'm out of ideas.

her OB/GYN thought maybe it was her Birth control or hormones...so she stopped her BC 3 months ago....and her blood work came back normal on her hormones....which leaves me to believe its simply her and there is no changing that.

I know it has been over 2 years since oral sex, and we have had actual sex only 12 times in the same amount of time.....

When I asked her about it the other day she said....I gave you a handy last week, do you need it everyday??

That response to me was all I needed to hear, to know that I'm screwed.....

advice??

Jellybeans

If she won't participate in a sexual relationship with you then you need to decide whether that is something you want to tolerate in a marriage.

Sorry.

MotoD

I won't tolerate it, but I keep hearing....that I'm being selfish for that because the kids will be destroyed and I feel guilty now for wanting sex.....and honestly feel myself slipping into depression over it all.

Jellybeans

You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to sleep with your wife, for wanting to have sex with your marriage partner--it's human nature to want that intimacy with the person you're closest to.

You need to address this with her and tell her how serious you are--that you don't want to live in a sexless marriage, or in a marriage where you feel like your feelings don't matter (and her dismissing this need/concern of yours w/o really trying is flat-out deprioritizing your needs in the marriage).

Are you still going to counselling? Does she understand you're at your wits end?

MotoD

I've told her and the second I bring it up she gets defensive and hostile. I go to bed every single night alone because she is up with the baby until 3am....I've told her for months that that alone is a big part of the problem...she stays up with the child until 3am then sleeps until noon. I work 8-5....so it has also caused me quite a bit of problems with sleeping as well. She is fully aware I'm at point break yet she does nothing to make it better.....I know I can't force her but she told me she doesn't want me to be with her if I'm that unhappy.

Jellybeans

Do you help her with the baby at all?

And you're right--you cannot force her.

So if the status quo continues, you need to decide if you want to stay in a marriage where there is hardly any sex.

MotoD

Oh sorry I forgot to include, no we are not going to the counseling...I gave up on that when she couldnt' make it a month with the new routine that the counselor suggested. I'm also not suppose to text her about this issue...we have a little diary that we write to one another back and forth in...which she also neglects for days at a time.

MotoD

Yes I help quite a bit. M-F is shot because of my work but I usually get home around 5:30 and make dinner, then spend an hour or so with her and the baby and then I'll take him for another hour or so by myself while she does whatever....and then I get an hour or so to myself to either catch up on paperwork or house stuff, maybe tv or something and then its bed time. On the weekends I get up at 8 and do the dishes, laundry, and whatever else I can get done to make it easier on her as well.....

MotoD

It just kills me, I don't regret my son but had I known, this would be the result of us having a child, I wold not have done it. We were so happy before and so "active".

Jellybeans

How old are you guys? How long have you been together/married?

Could she be suffering from depression?

MotoD

I'm 34 she is 31. We were highschool sweethearts but went separate ways when I joined military. then 14 years later got back together. We have been together 2.5 years or so...>WAY too short a time to be not having sex.

Her doc also thought about the depression....and she has been on anti-depressants for the last 3 months...which I know can lower the drive as well....but the drive wasn't there before....

Ten_year_hubby

MotoD,

Sadly, this happens a lot. And you can take it from me, the kid(s) are more than worth it. Maybe if you and your wife were to take a marriage education course that would help her see and maybe even agree to her responsibilities in your marriage

MotoD

I agree kids are worth it....I have a 12 year old from the previous marriage and as bad as it was....I was still having some form of intimacy....On a scale of 1 to 10, with my wife, we are at 1....maybe 2....and I can't stomach through that.

Jellybeans

1 to 2 for what? THe frequency? How much you enjoy it?

MotoD

For our level of intimacy, Granted for men I think alot of that is derived from sex, but we don't even lay together...I go to bed 3 hours before her....we don't kiss....or touch or anything....the Frequency of 1 time ever month or two, I also can't tolerate....and even when we do, its like its a chore for her...and she is just doing me a favor....which makes the experience that much less enjoyable.