Vickstar

This is not the first time this has happened.
A bit of back story.
1. Husband has three girls (16, 14, 8) with crazy drug addicted ex that cheated on him repeatedly and they used to fight violently.
2. 14 & 8 now live with us (and have for the last couple of years)
3. We have a beautiful just turned five year old boy.
4. My husband goes away for work for weeks at a time leaving me to care for all three children alone.
5. I work fulltime, study part-time, and am involved with the school.
6. He went on a seven day no contact hunting holiday just recently that we could not afford, while his mother was staying with us, and left me to deal with everything, including her.
7. Him assaulting me has been happening on and off for a number of years, but recently it is getting worse, physical bruises, being unable to walk etc.

I know I have to leave him. I really wanted to make it work and keep trying but everything is my fault. He decided that it was more important on our sons fifth birthday to go and check on his cannabis plants in the bush with his mate than to be here to put his son to bed on his fifth birthday, the day before he started school, and then he went away for the week, has not seen much of his son this week, and has not been there at all to support me who has been really struggling with it.

Then when he got home he starts grumping about the kitten that I rescued, and his daughter is saying "why do we have to keep the cat anyway". This began an argument. Which then turned violent.

I never physically hurt him, though throw some emotional punches sometimes. I throw at him that his behaviour seems that he doesn't care about his family - but you know what - it does seem that way.

I'm scared to leave because I really dont want to hurt my son, but I know that I/we can't live like this anymore.

Not to mention that the step-daughters, as expected, are on their fathers side, ignore me when he is home, particularly when asked to do something, and then everyone gangs up on me.

Help...

Jellybeans

You already know what to do.

The question is: will you?

By the way, raising your kids in an abusive environment is, in and of itself, abusive.

hisfac

When he hits you and leaves bruises, call the cops.

He'll be arrested, maybe spend a night in jail, and he'll be less likely to repeat the behavior.

Yes I know, you're scared he'll retaliate. Well we're talking one big punch versus and endless supply of smaller ones dished out over time.

You're in a hole and you need to dig your way out of it, and there are going to be some risks but what's the alternative, be a punching bag for the next 20 years?

PBear

You know you need to leave him, and justifying staying for the sake of your son is just that; justification. What you're really doing is teaching your son how a man should treat his spouse, and I don't think this is what you want to be teaching him.

Get help. Family, friends, a women's shelter. Whatever you need to do. You need more help than you can get from an anonymous Internet forum. You need help from local resources.

C

Jeff/BC

I was struggling with that also. I never can figure out how people think that leaving children in an abusive environment so that we can make a whole new generation of abusive parents is "for the children". If that's for the children then I wish people would stop caring about children.

trey69

Abuse of any kind will chip away at a persons self worth. My guess is that is one of the reasons most people in abusive situations stay.

Surround yourself with positive people who can help lift your spirits, self esteem, and encouragement. Family, friends, counselors etc. My guess is one of two things will happen before you choose to leave. 1) Either you will get some help and support, and build up enough courage and self esteem to leave, OR 2) He will hurt you and the kids badly.

You can't control his actions/words but you can control whether you stay or leave.

__________________
"When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."

Vickstar

Obviously I am aware of the impact it is having on my son - I know that I need to leave, I am scared...

I don't have enough money to do it on my own, and as my son has just started school I don't want to move out of the area. I went to 13 different schools as a child and it is really important to me that this does not happen to my baby.

How can I leave? I'm scared that he will smash up all my stuff and then I will have to replace everything - and of course it will all be my fault. I only have just enough money to pay one weeks rent and bond and then thats me cleaned out...and then what do I do?

It's all well and good to have a strong opinion about violence, but unless you have been in the situation, you don't really understand. I am not a victim, and I do not want to hurt my children, or do anymore damage to his.

mommyofthree

I grew up in a home where my mom was verbally and physically abused.My Sister grew up and married a man just like her step dad.Im starting to see some of the attributes in my husband (not physical but Verbal) and I have a few anger issues to deal with.

Leave.I know its easy for me to say but having been there I would have preferred my mom leave long ago.I thought as we got older that maybe it was us kids that caused it so I always felt bad for her being smacked across the face etc and thought that its ok..once we move out it will be good so I moved as soon as I was able.Unfortunatley im now 34 and they still are at it so I guess in hindsight it was not my fault .

My mom used to call the cops and they would come and never made him leave.They told my mom to leave to keep the peace but she always went back and it just kept happening.

For the sake of your son and your own safety you need to go.Being a parent comes with some difficult choices and sometimes what our child wants/needs is not what is best. You need to think of whats best FOR your child right now whats best is to not be in this situation.

Yup..he may smash your stuff.Not gonna lie cause my dad did and it was soo scary as a child but better that than you.There are places you can go till you figure out where to go. Its scary as hell I know but take a deep breath and think a bit.
You said he goes away for periods of time.Ok..wait till then and pack up your stuff to put in a storage locker for awhile.Maybe talk to the storage people and confide in them why you are doing this and they may help you out with cheaper or free storage for a short time till you get out.If you have a joint account..Go and open one in your name right now (tell them you want nothing mailed to your house not even statements) Do not let the step daughters know what you are doing but at the last minute you will need to make sure they are not left alone (since they are young) till he returns.The school will not keep info from your husabnd because there is no Order in place and he is the biological father on record so be careful what you tell them and maybe leave that till the last minute as well. You can do it

Also,call a battered womens shelter and talk to them about it right away.They will be able to help you get out and assist you in getting your feet back on the ground.

You never cross a mama bear..... or back one into a corner.

<Hugs>

A Bit Much

With no consequences to his actions against you this will continue.

Your son staying in the school near you is worth a beat down from time to time?

Jellybeans

I don't have enough money to do it on my own, and as my son has just started school I don't want to move out of the area. I went to 13 different schools as a child and it is really important to me that this does not happen to my baby.

How can I leave? I'm scared that he will smash up all my stuff and then I will have to replace everything - and of course it will all be my fault. I only have just enough money to pay one weeks rent and bond and then thats me cleaned out...and then what do I do?[/B]

It's all well and good to have a strong opinion about violence, but unless you have been in the situation, you don't really understand. I am not a victim, and I do not want to hurt my children, or do anymore damage to his

Hold the phone. You said yourself:

I know I have to leave him

Those were your words. You already have the answer. So now it's up to you to do something about it.

The bolded parts above--are excuses.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. I know what it's like. It sucks. And granted, he never hit me, but he he didn't have to--it was just under the surface. The night before I left he told me he was going to put me in the emergency room. I didn't stick around to find out. And like you, I spent a lot of times wondering if it was my "fault" that he was so angry, that he would take things out on me, that he'd break things, throw things, ignore me, say awful things about me in front of our family/friends. Because abusers are constantly telling people "If you didn't do X, then I wouldn't do Y." But that is a cop-out.

As far as not wanting to move your kid around--what is more important to you? Raising him in an abusive environment home where he sees dad beat the sh*t out of mommy (and grows up either doing this to someone else or thinking this is what a healthy relationship is like or learning to have no respect for you since you can't respect yourself) OR, do you want to GTFO and make a new life for yourself?

And what is this "bond" thing about? If he smashes things up--you don't have to "bond" him out. And who cares if he smashes up things--sue him for it in damages. What's more important? Things you can replace? Or your and your son's well-being???

Especially your son--think about him. Gah I hate reading about little defenseless children growing up in this kind of place. They have no choice in the matter and it truly sucks for them. I want to adopt them all (but I digress).

You asked HOW can you leave him? Simple. You pack your stuff up and leave and have him served with divorce papers. People do it every day.

My advice to you is to get a job and start saving money. Start looking. But it's still not an excuse to keep your baby in an environment like that. I can't imagine anything more horrible.

Where there is a will...

__________________
Exposure Letter

Letter to OM/OW

A Bit Much

Maybe it'll take one of your neighbors to call the police on the two of you. Maybe then you'll do something about it.

River1977

You have the answer.

And then you start looking for reasons not to go.

Are you asking us to come pack your bags and escort you out the door? I will be happy to if that's what it takes. Just send me your address.

It never fails women always find all kinds of excuses not leave their abusive husband. If it is not that they are SAHM and don't have money or anywhere to go, then it is the child(ren) or how seriously they took their vows, or something else nonsensical.

What is keeping you there? I mean if you seriously think about your reasons beyond all the excuses you can think up, you will have to admit that you don't have the nerve to leave. You don't have the self-esteem to put a stop to him using you and abusing you.

Stop complaining about your husband and finding reasons to be hurt by the things he does. Constantly saying "he does this" and "he didn't do that" is only complaining. If you examine his behavior rather than complain about it, you will be able to determine he is not the husband you want and that you don't want and don't deserve to be treated this way.

It is a terrible thing to live with abuse. His violence is abusive. That you can never be right about anything is abusive. Everything always being your fault is abusive. His ferocious anger is abusive. The arguing that you can never win is abusive. It is a tragic thing to keep on subjecting yourself to this kind of treatment.

Begin right now to stop complaining and looking for excuses. Instead, begin right now to work out your finances and look for a place for you and your son. Don't say a word to anyone. Just pack up one day and go. And, on your way to the new place, stop at the bank and withdraw half the savings.

hisfac

Get to your local family court, file a restraining order, get him removed from your home based on the past abuse, and then followup with an emergency support petition.

Happens all the time.

The courts are well aware of the fact that many single women who have been abused do not earn enough to support themselves. He's still responsible even if he's out of the house.

River1977

Four paragraphs of a whole lot more excuses.

No one said you have to walk out the door right now. You need a few more paychecks and time to plan, but you CAN and SHOULD be gone within the month.

Also, you can call 211 for a domestic violence hotline in your area. They can help you plan your exit strategy. There will be plenty of opportunities to move yourself, your son, and your belongings. The two of you can even stay in a domestic violence shelter for a few weeks if necessary. I have been in one before. They are nice places, usually a house that provide bedroom, food, counseling, washing machines - everything you need for a short period of time until you can get a place. You can keep going to work and saving your money, while they provide for babysitting, as well as someone to take your son to school and pick him up if you cannot. Your husband will never know where you are unless you tell him, which they forbid you to do.

I hesitate to mention this because it was only another excuse that you mentioned, but what on earth does your son changing schools have to do with getting him and yourself out of that awful environment. Keep on making excuses and you and your son both will be completely destroyed. Destroyed in different ways of couse, but destroyed nonetheless.

You came here and asked for help, but you are refusing and arguing against the only possible help you can receive. There are no other suggestions anyone can or should give to you.

hisfac

Wow. I really need a vacation, what do you think about covering the first 4 days and I'll take care of the last 3?